The Final Farewell

For weeks I have had Gary in my life, since his death. In my dreams, when I walk into a room or glance at a hallway. There he is. Not interfering or frightening. He is as plain as this monitor, void of emotion but there and watching.

Since we began clearing out his apt. I kept telling my daughter that something was missing. It was stressing me out terribly. We looked under tables, the bed, under the couch and cushions. On the last day we cleared everything out I had to start from go and look above and below every single thing to find that nagging feeling I was missing something important.

Eventually we cleared it all out and as we shut the door for the final thing I finally burst out crying but not for long. I had to be brave for my daughter but in truth, I wanted to sit there longer and sob until there were no tears.

Later that night I finally broke down and told me daughter of the constant sightings of my brother. He was everywhere and it felt like he was waiting. But for what Maybe I was right, something truly was missing. I cried a lot that night.

About 3:00-3:00 am the following morning I found myself out on the porch looking at some of his things and one of his 3 ring binders caught my eye. Selfishly I like it and thought it would be good to keep some of my writing in there. As I looked for things left in every crevice I found less than a dollars change, a stamp and an eye doctors release so he could drive. As I closed it, that strong inner voice told me to look further. I had checked every pocket. But one pocket was deep, so once again I put my fingers down, but deeper and there it was.. As I pulled the two pages out from deep in the pocket I knew immediately this was it.

There were some websites with his name and passwords and then there were names and numbers not meant for any family member to see. This was it! He knew his kids could never have understood or been at ease with it. Yes, it is incredibly private. But it was what he waited for me to find... not only the few business contacts but the 2 pages of names that would bring his family nothing but pain they need never know. I almost instantly felt relief, knowing this was what was missing. These papers of his indiscretions that needed to be destroyed and unseen by his family.

That night, in prayer, I told Gary I knew I had found what was keeping him here. I asked him to trust me, that no one would ever see it and I would destroy it. I told him it was time for him to east back and go to his family and let me finish his business. I asked him to please stop being everywhere; I needed to move onward and so did he.  That was the very first night he was not in my dreams.
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He didn't follow me the next day and I felt a huge sense of relief for myself and a sense of completion for Gary. All was removed and his secret taken care of. Now, I truly have to think hard to conjure up his face and he no longer stands behind me.

I hope all is well, Gary. That you can now walk forward and embrace your new found peace.
I love you.