It is 2:43 in the morning. I had such a busy, physical day I was sure I would sleep like a baby. Hah! Not so lucky tonight. My mind is refusing to shut down for a while. Some nights when sleep is hard to come by I think of one of my favorite songs (as music is my passion) and listen to it over and over until I fall asleep; sometimes I remember walking the streets of Japan or sitting with a fishing pole in my hand, lying on my back on the grass watching the clouds drift by. Quiet moment memories.
Nothing is working tonight. Somehow I got this post-it note on the inside of my brain listing all the things I have to do in a short period of time. Lists are for putting on the refrigerator door, in your journal or the table right by your keys. They are not for the brain. But this one slipped in.
I've taken a couple of weeks off since Gary died to regather myself and find where I left part of me when he died the end of February. I got complacent. He sits in my hall closet patiently waiting for me to get his family on the same page so I can get him buried. I wanted it to happen in June but today changed everything.
Being executor of what little he had I thought I had plenty of time to finish his papers, shredding and making a file for 2012 so I could do his taxes this fall. Not so fast. Today, the IRS finally made me his fiduciary which means I have access to his past and current taxes; it took 2 months and paperwork to get this far. I was told he never filed since 2009. Aw, gees, I wanted to cry. It was much effort to get all his drawers of papers together into years. In my optimistic mind, surely those years were done so I put them all in large envelopes and drawers without separating them into deductions and bank statements.I thought I would just be able to shred them once I talked to the IRS.
Well, heck, I can shred 2007-2008. That is better than nothing. The hard part is they said I need to have those 4 years of taxes done by July 15th. 6 weeks; 4 years of paperwork. No wonder I can't sleep tonight!!! Gary, what were you thinking? But wait,
At the end of 2009 his health was beginning to have issues and by early 2010 he had a heart attack and a 4 way by-pass. By the latter part of that year he went to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain and sudden weight loss. Hours later they determined he had late stage leukemia and lesions in his stomach. They later retested and found it was not leukemia, it was full blow stage 4 lymphoma. Through out 2011 he had almost constant bouts of chemo and tests and more chemo.
By 2012 in Feb, he called to meet with me to help him write his will and power of attorney. He then underwent a stem cell transplant that took 6 weeks in isolation in the hospital and 6 weeks recovery at home.
He then went back to driving bus, certain he had made it. His tests came back normal, he felt like himself. Then a couple of months later he noticed a lump and sudden nausea. The beast had returned.
They removed the lump and his cells were being quirky but no alarm. Until December of 2012.
Deja vu, he said. He knew something was wrong.
In January they took blood , CT scans and an MRI. Full blown stage 4 and it was in his bones and organs and he was dying. They gave him 2 options. With no chemo, he had 2-3 months to live but with chemo, he had 5-6 months. Gary was so afraid to die.
The third week in February he made up his mind to fight with all he had and decided to start a new regimen of chemo. He wanted those extra months. The morning of Feb. 26 he went in for his first round. They injected Benadryl because he had a hard time with earlier sessions the previous year; then they injected the chemo. Within moments he went into cardiac arrest. They all worked valiantly to bring him back to a pulse. Finally located, I raced to the hospital to tell them to stop. He did not want this. And just a few short minutes later, he died.
When could he have done his taxes? He was giving all he could just to live through those years. It's okay, Gary. I finally get it. I will get them done and on time. I now have a better understanding of it all. You know, I almost feel you standing here at this moment. I have folded the list for the night. It is time to go to bed.
