The Reveal

I've put this off a few days but it is silly. I just thought if I had a couple more days things would change but they haven't.  My body is turning back to January before all of the scopes, scans and blood tests.
The pain in my stomach is back now most of the day. Food isn't digesting like it was and is back to slow and miserable. Today I choked in the grocery store. Off and on fevers are back along with the rest. I guess I should state, however, how grateful I am the colonoscopy revealed the precancerous polyps and they are gone. The way I feel now, though, I don't know if waiting 3 yrs is long enough for a new scope. Maybe 2.

So I am sad tonight. I still have blood tests and a thyroid test coming this week and hope those are fine. I am at wits end how to deal with getting strong and eating and walking more. Sugars are way up, I think, because mostly all I can eat are carbs.

I don't want to seem sniffley and sound like a whiner. For all that is wrong with me I usually keep my spirits up but I am allowing myself to be sad tonight.  Tomorrow I start fighting the fight again.

Retail

Having agoraphobia (fear of people that's not quite disabling) and being a cashier at a superstore is in itself a contradiction.  I don't look down the line or I can't breathe so I take the customers (or guests as Target calls them) one face at a time. I've started to ring up my daughter or next door neighbor and not known it until I look up. It happens often.. luckily most of them know my fear and just wait for me to look up before they say "Hi".

For some reason today, things just kept happening in line that made me look up and down the line to see too many faces. I have songs in my head to take off when this happens. One is the beginning of the song Soul Sister by Train: (Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey. Hey, Hey) :) it has a good tune I promise. One of the other songs is "Tan Shoes and Pink Shoe Laces" from the early 60's I think. It works wonders. A few cases of intentional fraud couponers I caught and a short change artist. I got him confused. It all worked out.

I get frustrated with cashiers I know (NOT at my Target) that let their attitudes show and are rude or bored with the guest. Good I am not a manager as I would write them up, then out the door if it kept happening. Too many people need work.You smile, talk politely and thank them every single time. That is the retail rule. It is also what will keep or lose a good guest.

Nothing Is As It Seems

It smells like rain, but it's hardly hit the ground. It smells like fire, but it is on the other side of the mountain.

 Nothing is as it seems tonight. Since at least junior ( middle) high school I've had these periodic episodes where my senses get altered. I feel a dark or ominous cloud over me. My husband and daughter would bare witness to it. Within a few days, bad, sad or traumatic events occur to people who are close to me.. "almost" always in threes.  Long time can pass between the happenings, it's nothing regular or a special fete. I don't know what the  words are.  But I am so seldom wrong that my family always listens closely when I have them.

Nothing is as it seems tonight.  I have an almost uncomfortable feeling of calm, that feels tethered to a darkness hanging over me. It feels like I am preparing for  bad news but have no sense of direction it will come from. I'm relieved the times I am wrong, always bewildered when I am right. As things are right now, I am counting on being wrong.

Forward Progress

Don't you hate when the Novocaine wears off before you get out of the dentist's chair? It's been 6 hrs and I am beginning to feel a lot better. More work next week on the other side. Forward Progress.

I have an progress interview at work this Friday and am a little nervous. I know they were overly concerned when I choked at work. They wouldn't fire me, would they? No, they couldn't..they still have to employ me after to permanent injury to the base of my thumb. Or could they? Ok, this is about as long as I am going to stress over it. On Friday, I will see if it even mattered. I mean, anyone could keel over from a stroke, or heart failure or something. You can't fire someone because they scared the pants off you as you went blue in the face.    You really had to be there.

Still working on trying to find food to eat. Some main staples remain the same, however off they may sound to you. I can still eat: Smuckers Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam frozen sandwiches, Frito Lay's Butter Puffs (my mainstay), Saltines, Ice Coffee, Shelled Pistachios (carefully with the throat), Tostito's Salsa on top of Saltines, cinnamon flavored diced peaches.  That is the standard that has helped me all week long... Lots of blood tests coming up this week. Gotta feeling I am going to get yelled at for high blood sugar but heck, most of all I can eat is carbs. I am just trying to survive here. Wish me luck on that day.

Misc.

Tomorrow is the root canal just beneath the latest extraction. Nothing will go wrong. And there's no place like home. I've been two for two going wrong. Tomorrow will be the start of things going right at the dentist. 

I am noticing at work that more people are paying with cash than ever. That is what has helped me. It is so much harder taking out the actual money and handing it over than quickly swiping a card.  It is more apparent you just spent money.

Tonight is going to be mellow. I'm recording America's Got Talent and Glee while I watch NCIS. A evening full of pajamas and my Butter Puffs.

Lyp and Chemo Pills

Early visit today with my dermatologist regarding my Lyp (Lymphomatoid Papulosis).  12 yrs of staying one step ahead of this rare lymphoma skin cancer. I had to have a liver biopsy 2 yrs ago because of all the methotrexate (chemotherapy pills) I have to take and was given a pass but a noted slight thickening of the liver. Today new blood tests were ordered and he has asked me to try cutting out one pill per week for 2 months and then cutting another pill a week for 2 months, then a new followup. I've never been down to 4 pills per week. I started at 10. 

3 months ago I messed up. For 6 weeks I took methotrexate AND folic acid on the same day which is a huge no-no as the folic acid renders the methotrexate useless. I broke out in sores, literally, from the top of my scalp to my toes. It took 2 1/2 months to get back to where I was before that. So, cutting back on the pills does make me a little nervous, I also don't want a destroyed liver.

1 year ago I lost a good friend of 30 years because of the damage done to her liver by the  methotrexate. She was in a study and never knew for certain how much of the drug she was given through the years. She had wicked rheumatoid arthritis in her hands. Until then, she was an incredible artist. She did a sketch for me to use with a short story I entered in a church contest and won first place. I always felt that her sketch had a large impact. Today brought back her words of caution to me a few months before she died. "Be careful"  I get light box treatment once a week, that also helps. Perhaps, less meds, more light. As I learned again today, doctors are still learning about the disease. There are so many challenges at my door, but I am always ready to stand them down. I've been winning and plan to continue to win. I must adapt and alter things in my life, I won't be absorbed by the distractions. Life is wondrous and I plan on marvelling at all it's wonders for a very long time.

Mother's Day 2012

With the exception that my poor daughter is home sick in bed, it has been a quiet but wonderful Mother's Day today. As usual, my husband got up early and raced to buy me a card still managing to find the perfect one.  We are saving the special dinner for a couple of weeks when I can eat a little better.  Texas Roadhouse is where I've been longing to go since last November. I always get the Roadkill which is the ground sirloin steak, baked potato with extra butter and sour cream and a sweet potato with the works to bring home for later. Excellent. I intend to groan with delight and savor every morsel. Definitely worth the wait.

Not everybody has someone for Mother's Day.  If you know someone who is alone, please stop by or give them a call.  It takes little time and reaps enormous rewards.