He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

I have my brother's cremations now, they sit on a special shelf in my closet as I mix and mash so many decisions on burial. He lost his daughter in 2010, Becky age 33, to colon cancer and it was long and hard and sad beyond words. For private reasons, my brother couldn't let go, he couldn't release her ashes to anyone or decide on a burial site. He just didn't want to let go. For many years in her life he wasn't there and bad things happened. Now, he had her safe with him.
I contacted the family and offered to bury her with her dad... who in turn wants to be buried with his dad. The gracious cemetery said we could bury daughter and father with my brother and my father. I felt the universe came together without disruption or angst regarding the issue. so soon I will have Becky with her Dad here at home until we can come together with a time for those who want to come and respectfully observe the opening of my father's grave and the placement of Gary and his daughter, Becky in the burial plot. As per Gary's wishes there will be no graveside services but I am hoping the Spirit to help move me to write a prose to speak briefly before we are to leave the site.

I am beyond exhausted tonight. Each day my eyes get redder, a little more swollen and even I can see the sadness placed firmly in them. In 2 weeks and 1 night I have not had a full night's sleep and not one night without dreams of Gary. Always he seems to be standing by the side of my dream, showing me he is there. Other nights he is watching me go over the papers in my dreams, worrying if I am doing it right. I turn and he is there. Not judgemental or sad or happy, but watching, observing his kid sister. Is it all in my mind? I thought so the first 3 nights but it has been 14 nights now. Every single night he is there. I have no fear of it and feel that after such a dramatic, traumatic and darn hard life, he is making sure he ends in peace and favor. Gary, you know I am doing my  best and have found much that speaks so well of how you took a hard, difficult life and in the past decade turned your life around and made good on your mistakes. You took hold of  your life and moved forward with positive goals and achievements. You reached them, my brother. You cleared your name and your history and ended your life a wonderful, respectful human being. And you did it on your own. God Bless You. God Will Bless You.

You had no family as a child to guide you; our foster homes were horrific but you escaped them and began life on your own at 17. Bumps, chuckholes, forks in the road made you stumble. Our Dad helped at times but never taught you how to live and plan in the world on your own. But, in time, you did it. On your own!!!  You hit bottom hard but instead of  wallowing in despair, you pulled yourself up and fought the fight for over 20 years to clear your record, your debts and finally be able to stand proud and tall. I am the only living relative who knows  your history completely and I say to you I could be no prouder. I love you my brother.

Hopefully, I can reach the point where you can feel peace and the Lord. our mom loved you so much and is beside you now. You need to step back and let me continue your business. I need to find my rest and peace. Hopefully soon, you will grant me that.