Sorry, Mom.

What went wrong in my mind that it took from 1968 to now to discover how old my mother was when she died?  Her death, by suicide, occurred when I was 17. I am not up to going back there tonight, as it may as well have been yesterday still.

All the years I've gone to her grave site, left the flowers and occasional notes I "never" read the year of her birth.  I told people in the past that she died at 42, and so did Elvis. Quite a few people I knew or were celebrities died at 42. Just like my mom. Or so I thought.

I just sat with her at the cemetery and began to brush off the headstone like I always did when for the first time I "really" saw the year of her birth:  1923.  She died in 1968. She was 45 when she died. It may sound trivial to you but to me, I feel I horribly disrespected her. How could I possibly have gone to visit her so many times in the past, cleaned the headstone, placed the flowers, cried the tears and not have ever seen the year until now? I believe in life after death with all my heart and with that same heart I know it doesn't matter to her. That she loved, loves and will always love me as her daughter that broke the day she died.  She paid it no mind the day I first got it wrong. I should be so kind to myself.

Choking

So I have to worry about choking. Check. But I did not even think for a moment it might happen at work and right in the middle of a transaction with no food or drink the culprit. All I did was speak as I leaned over and took out money. I choked on my own saliva. I will save you the drama but it was quite awful. I have this esteem problem which didn't improve with this. It caused me to dry heave so badly trying to get in air in the restroom that I honestly thought for a moment I was having a massive heart attack. The pain that shot through my chest was incredible. Since it happened I am afraid to eat or drink which is silly, I know. It didn't last long, but felt like forever.

So Many Errands

The past couple of days have been filled with so many errands that I have been too tired to write. Last night I just sat here thinking of what to type and couldn't do it.

Amazing how things work. The newspaper no sooner published an article on how Utah roadways were safer and fewer fatalities than in the past when all Hell broke loose. In the past 2 days there have been several horrific fatal accidents. We used to see an increase due to "road rage" and now it is more than ever "distracted driving". You know what I am talking about. Constantly aware now of the car next to me as more often now the car will drift over as they are on the phone or texting. It is not so much now that you think there is a drunk driver ahead of you, as a distracted driver and sure enough when you get up to them, they are on the phone. I know we all have moments when we feel we need to make that quick call..but to sit and gab and laugh and expect to manage your 2,000lb vehicle? Deadly.

My son-in-law's surgery is coming up Monday so all attempts and moving, cleaning, etc has come to a pause. He has a huge hernia that;s about to strangulate so they're doing exploratory at the same time to check everything out. Seems they missed this one 2 yrs ago when he had surgery for Diverticulitis...
He will need 1 wk off his feet, then 1 wk light work.. hopefully it will be a quick recovery. He hates not constantly doing something. 

As for me, I get tired of complaining. I still can't eat much without getting sick. I try to stick to mellow foods and things that won't get stuck in my throat. If I could just get my insulin down.  I have a lot of blood test coming up soon.. I want a thyroid test. They did one 2 yrs ago and it should I was low; they chose to redo the test and it said it was normal. They chose the latter but I've always wondered if they shouldn't have done a 3rd to be sure which was right. I can't lost a pound tho I starve. I should at least be losing some weight with all this. We will figure it out yet!

I Won!

No signs of any more hummingbirds. This one may have been a fluke. Drats.  Still, it shouldn't be more than a few days.

I am so excited. I won 4 tickets to the Utah Blaze game. (Indoor arena football). After the sports broadcast on KUTV2 News Saturday night they offered 4 free tickets to the person whose twitter they chose. Moi!
I got the word the next morning. "You win." Short and sweet.
Tomorrow I am picking up the voucher from the front desk at the television station. I don't know what game they are for yet. Oh, tickle me pink. Nothing's better than a dose of unexpected joy.