The Update on Me

Now for an update on me. Those who want no unpleasantness can check out early. I won't blame you.
The stomach is as bad, the choking from the lazy epiglottis is worsening; last Monday I choked while handing a guest her receipt and scared us both to death. I can't speak if my head isn't tilted a certain way or I choke, at night I wake up choking and grabbing for water, some food will go straight down but others, the epiglottis does not close right and I choke where ever I happen to be. I am positive that having the endoscopy and widening damaged the already weak epiglottis because the first night it was done I choked and literally aspirated so badly I nearly had to race to the hospital. My lungs absorbed much fluid all at once. Completely terrifying.

The degenerating discs in my neck they also discovered now pinch the nerves that go down both arms and I awake all night in extreme pain at the elbow, down the arm to the wrist and the finger tips go numb with needles and pins surging off an on. Nights are long. I just heard that wrapping or bracing the arms at night does help so I will give it a shot. I am up to anything.

The worst trial of just those mentioned is the legs. They  began to act up several weeks ago. I thought it was a temporary dehydration like in January, but it got worse.  About 3 wks ago I woke up and couldn't lift my legs to get out of bed  #1 they felt like each leg weighed 24 # and #2 the cramping in my thighs, calfs and ankles had me screaming for help. Alas, none came but I eventually hit and rubbed the tight muscles into breaking enough to let me literally tumble to the floor.

I was supposed to work that day but couldn't walk. I was dead from the thighs down and would not have even been able to feel the gas pedal let alone stand for 3 hrs so had to call in sick. Luckily, my doctor who is usually booked weeks ahead had a cancellation for that day, last Friday Aug.17th.He later told me they would have worked me in as my situation was serious. Gees.All I wanted was a good report and a couple strong muscle pills..... not so fast.

I have a seriously pinched nerve at the LS5, Sciatica Nerve that is so pinched by the bulging discs that I am in real danger of it pinching off and killing the nerve. At that location, should this happen I will immediately lose all aspects of continence (look it up, I can't type it) and ordered to literally race to the ER for emergency surgery so the condition does not become permanent.

Doc told me to fill the very aggressive regimen of Prednisone (16 days, 4 pills per day) and take it the moment I got it filled while at the pharmacy. If it doesn't work I need an MRI to access the severity and decide on a spinal tap that drains the fluid around the nerve or perform surgery.

For now, I walk like I am 90, shuffling my feet, driving a store cart, moaning and crying on the couch, bed, chair, walking and pacing but smiling and laughing around the grand kids. Please send some happy thoughts my way. let the Prednisone work. I may not be able to take the Methotrexate while on it and that will cause my Lymphoma Skin Cancer to break out into cheetah spots and more pain and outward sores and rashes.  There, that is all I want to share, it is too much but since there is more, I don't feel too awful in sharing this.

Thanks for being here for me whoever you are. You are needed and loved in silence.
Maybe at one point, God will say I've gone through enough. If not, I will take a deep breath and say bring it on, I will smile and stand upright.

Adventurama Begins

It has been quite the week. I thought China was shooting up through my house the first time the kids used their new dryer. Lol, it moved over 5 inches WITH Melanie holding onto it for dear life. I maybe should have checked our foundation after that.  The new washer wasn't working right but we found out today the shipping bolts were never removed. Uhm, Bob, those instruction manuals can be a help when you open them.  :)  

3 days ago, we came home after a long day of heat and errands everywhere. Melanie walked downstairs and soon I heard, "I have a serious situation down here!!!  Tell my dad I NEED him down here NOW!!   I made the grand kids stay upstairs as Dan ran down... moments later coming up the stairs with both hands wrapped around a large Dove. (Crap)  He ran outside. Meantime, I sneaked down and peeked into Melanie's bedroom and gasped. Truly gasped. And again.  Bella, our cat, flew past me and ran outside and there it was. The entire room (carpet, walls, ceiling, both bunk beds and cabinets) covered in every size feather imagine. The lighter than air tiny ones still floating and landing in nooks and crannies. Mel vacuumed everywhere but for 2 more days more feathers appeared.
The good news?  Dan had laid the Dove gently down and a half hour later it sat up, brushed itself off and flew away...dents, nakedness and all the sweet thing, I'd like to think, found her worried Lonesome Dove and was attended to.

Last night Bella brought in a "large" but dead Katydid and deposited in front of Melanie's computer but poor Abby found it first. Screams!  It was disposed of.

We are awaiting more "presents" she brings home. And I was worried about her.
Believe it or not, this is just a piece of the adventurama that is now our new lives together. Lovin' it!

I Feel I Could Burst

If I ever knew anything with complete certainty, it is this. I love my immediate family so deep in my soul I feel I could burst. All those years in foster homes I thought nothing would ever be mine. I lost or had stolen every single toy or doll I owned. My parents, Aunt and Uncles left me stranded in a home they knew abused me sexually, physically and mentally. But, a week after mom's suicide I'd firmly made up my mind. No one in dad or mom's side was ever, ever going to kill me slowly the way they did her.
I began not answering the phone, then gradually told them I needed them out of my life so I could try to heal and create a new family. Danny then entered the picture, was very protective and helped me break from the non-stop pain.
Through many confrontations, they finally backed away. They finally realized I wanted to embrace life as mom had tried often but family brought her down. In her darkest hour EVERYONE of them turned their backs on her and her despair overwhelmed and killed her.

Though many never forgave me, God has spoken often to my heart, assuring me all was well. Being told by 5 doctors I was barren, I got pregnant the first night Dan came home from overseas after a 3 month secret mission during the Vietnam War. Our daughter is our miracle; she's my best friend.

This is the family that gives me joy beyond measure; peace,comfort and complete happiness. I have been blessed lately to feel the Spirit fill me with the sense that my early choices were right and because of those choices I have a family of the Lord, kind and respectful, use I love you all the time and hug you just because they love you. Trust in the small voice. Trust in the strength of your convictions.

Tonight as I write this my daughter and her family are sleeping downstairs. My home is filled with love, laughter and God's love. What more could one ask for? In the quiet of this night, I am filled only with gratitude that God found me worthy for these blessings.

My Bella Fear

Out of the gate tonight, my fear.  Bella slipped out several hours ago and has not returned. She loves the outdoors but only during the day. Melanie says she is always back long before dark. Tonight she went out before dark and though we've called she hasn't returned or rankled the bell on her collar. It was hard for Mel to go to bed without her being in the house. It is hard for me to stop looking, calling and getting that knotted feeling I had weeks before she came here. I refuse to believe this early there would be trouble.

She is so beautiful... Bombay cat with soft, silky hair and amber eyes. When she walks with such surety she has the sleekness and regalia of royalty. She is her own queen; we are there for her pleasure.

The dog, Patches, acts as if he lived here all his life. He has taken up with my husband and follows him everywhere. But then, my husband spoils him and plays his games on the floor with him. IT has been 10 yrs since we put down Chewy, our incredible child-dog of 18 yrs. Dan lost it and swore no dog would ever be in our home again. Time has healed his wounds but not his memories. I hear him trying to teach Patches to "high five" or "gimme ten" as we taught Chewy. Tonight, as he  laid with the dog, I heard him say, "You'd have loved Chewy."

Hurry home, Bella. Come through that doggy door.

Now sooner signed out, then Bella comes racing through the door. Now, it will be a goodnight, all.

The 2 Year Sleepover Has Begun

I cannot believe it has been 6 days. The family put everything into high gear and in warp time my house has now turned into a home.  Friday night the last bed was brought in and the first 2 year sleepover began.
Running up and down the stairs, borrowing cereal bowls, a can of pop or a Hawaiian roll. The sounds of laughter. The sounds of pounding new shelves and putting their pictures and saying on the walls. The stacked washer and dryer that barely made it an inch from the ceiling.
Bella, the cat and Patches, the dog are adjusting quite well, considering. Last night they were running circles tail to tail in my front room. Bella just learned how to get outside and therein lies my fears. Today was her first day our several times. All I can do is hope she'll take to the neighborhood okay.
We are a family of unplanned adventures. The days to come will be filled with them.

Work Injuries Are Odd Creatures

I normally prepare myself for bad news but thought I had this one. I was certain. But, alas, the doctor said that work related injuries are odd creatures. They were able to prove the injury to the right thumb joint but since the insurance put me off for so long he has this dilemma. Thanks, in great part, to doctors and insurance who get together and come up with new findings and ways to keep each other happy, the patient comes third.
Many, many insurance companies like to go to court to contest decisions and obligations. When they go to court, the doctor must be able to back his findings with scientific evidence. The initial injury had proof, time, immediate destruction, etc and was proven to be a valid claim. BUT, on the left hand, tho acknowledging it was overworked and took on a great deal of the right hands load, there is totally NO scientific evidence it was truly caused by the injury. Xrays taken showed the arthritis, bone spur and tests showed the left hand almost 100% as damaged as the right, he cannot legally connect the two.
He was very kind and disliked telling me the bad news. Yes, I cried at first. But I do understand he is bound by law and without scientific proof he would lose in court.SO....
the good news he is strongly against any surgery on the right hand at this time. He stated that too many doctors rush their patient into it when they haven't even let the inflammation heal or learn how to cope with the difficulties of the arthritis which can calm down and be much less painful for long periods of time. He suggested that only when the pain or frustrations get totally more than you can bear... then  you consider the surgery. Not all surgery is successful and he told me that all 6 of his associates in hand surgery have had at least one patient where the surgery made it worse, where the wrong nerve was cut or full usage was not restored or inability to return to full function of the hand.
WOW. That made me rethink everything.  This guy pulls no punches. He is one of the best in the state of Utah but doesn't operate for money as the incentive... or the patient's whim. I can continue to have cortisone shots in the hand clear until future surgery as the joint is totally damaged, shot. There is no more harm the shots can do.
So, for now, I am to buy soft braces, anything that gives temporary comfort, shots, Ibuprofin (which I can't take while on methotrexate) and try to see if Target can find me a job that will produce less heavy usage of the hand. I am considering asking to work in Guest Services where you take returns. My daughter works it often and said there is very little lifting and less items to handle. I will talk to the new team leader, Pratty in a couple of days. I am relieved, I am sad. At least I know the right hand will be taken care of forever.  All things work for the best.

3 Months Coming

Tomorrow has been almost 3 months coming. It is my appointment with a prominent orthopedic surgeon to give an independent review of my left thumb to determine if it's deterioration is due to the injury of the right thumb. Since Nov.2010 and the injury the left hand has had to most of the work. It is now difficult to determine which hand is worse and both wake me up all night long. My other health issues are returning rapidly, putting me back to just a couple of different foods to eat, constant stomach pain and now dehydration is cramping my legs again.  The calender says July, my body says it is back to January.  One step at a time.  I need the dr. to tell the insurance company he believes that one caused the other because then workman's comp will cover surgery for both hands. Think happy thoughts for me; I need all I can get tomorrow.

As far as moving in, it's getting me excited finally and not so nervous. Patches, the dog, came over for a quick visit and peed in the kitchen and hallway the moment he got in the door. Well, hello there pooch.  I am buying a gate to put up in my bedroom doorway to keep him out so I will have one room free of dander for when my asthma gets ornery.  Bella, the cat, won't come until they are ready to make the final stage. I worry worry worry about her. She is an explorer and there will be no forcing her to stay in the house. We all know it is a risk but there is no other choice. Hopefully, she will find herself at home and explore safely.

More Moving

The old, refurbished kitchen sink faucet sprayed to high heaven so we ran to Costco's to get another one and soon realized that with that faucet, the disposal wouldn't fit with the dishwasher so poor Bob had to do extra rewiring to get things right and he did great. This a.m. there was wood and pieces of this and that... tonight as they left it was a new sink, faucet, disposal, soap dispenser, dishwasher and new cabinet top to make the Ikea cabinets they put together. The frig is running, light switches raised and safer. Tomorrow the counter top goes on an extra cabinet to set by the frig so Melanie has more counter space for cooking. Looking good and darn homey!!

Lucky me, last week I inherited a beautiful leather couch they couldn't fit downstairs and since they had so many tv's and my HUGE old tv is dying with almost no audio... they offered tonight to take the old one away and gave me their 40" flat screen for my bedroom as I can't see well.

To top good things off, today Melanie's sister-in-law, also a Melanie and her husband, decided they want to rent their home. We know they are great people and will take good care of it. Everything is coming together. They want to be moved into the home by the end of August... so still much work to do. I think Mel and the family may be moved in within a couple of days.

Moving Doubletime

It's very late and has been very full days past, I apologize for being so late in posting. My family has decided to move in double time and we've worked from early morning to dark each day. Running many errands, making things fit where they don't, placing the frig and realizing there is no electrical outlet. Buying the sink and the counter doesn't fit... lots of adjustments but I think we have overcome the worst hurdles. 

Most of the clothes and furniture is here now. Bunk beds in one room; the sink, stove and frig, dishwasher is running. Now a laundry dilemma. I have a piggyback washer and dryer which is what they need but they are expensive. They already have a washer and dryer a year old but they are electric and we're set up for gas. So... the latest idea is to give them our piggyback and take their washer..they can then buy a dryer that will fit on top of the washer. At least I think that is what they meant.  LOL, it is hilarious around here. We are all so busy moving, condensing, remodeling, correcting errors, that not a one of us is thinking with a clear head so we have these meetings to keep us on the right track.

If all goes as planned, they may be moved in by Sunday or Monday at the latest..
Then says my daughter, we are going to seriously set about getting me eating better and feeling well. We can't work miracles but she is making a believer out of me.

At the end of the day, I am feeling happier than a very long time. My family is my life.

Powerful, Powerless Night

The weather was hot and muggy with barely a breeze. My son in law and grand kids were over while mom was at work so he could get their new stove hooked up. It was 7 pm and we heard a pop outside our house. Then the power died. I don't believe in waiting for someone to act so I jumped up and called the power co. I was their first notification. At first we thought the whole subdivision was out but it turned out to be us and about 4 other homes. Skipping over... 5 giant power trucks & later an enormous crane pulled out our huge electrical box and put a new on into place. Within 10 min we had power on. Oh, but the time we had in between.
While Bob continued on with the stove via sunset and a strategically located flashlight we kept the kids entertained upstairs. This was their first experience with a power outage lasting more than a few minutes. They were hyped to a degree that surpassed a sugar overdose. This was indeed an adventure they were relishing.
Grandpa got on the floor and played 3 games of Crazy Eights with a deck of cards I found. All our laughter rocked the house. Abby and Andrew then played Operation.
Sweet Bob, knowing the house was getting hotter and hotter did not want to leave us that way but I finally convinced him we'd be ok. At least it happened behind clouds and soon as the sun set it began to cool with just enough of a breeze.
After they left I found a battery operated radio and listened to the second half of the Real Salt Lake Soccer Championship game. We won! 
Like magic, as all the rumbling, screeching and banging of the power company fully engaged, someone VERY close by... Dan says a half block at least.. became to light off  huge, expensive fireworks every bit as good and breathtaking as the city's display. For a solid hour we sat at the front room window like kids marveling at the fireworks. One solid hour, can you imagine? Some of them were so close and so large we couldn't see the entire display. 10 min. after all of that the power came back with a rush of cool air and lights.
We talked about the timing and what a great evening it had turned out to be..then Real celebrated their victory with even more fireworks. What had begun as a "Aw, darn it" turned into a "What a cool night!"

There They Sit.

There they sit. Boxes filled with yesterdays. Photos, school work, letters and cards, ancestors with no name and other memories I put away without reading or looking at. The past was planted firmly away in the middle of everyday cluttered life's moments.

I brought them upstairs to make room for the move in. I had forgotten what some of them contained. Slowly I will open them, pick them up and try to breathe. Just thinking about what I will find takes my breath away. One small box hasn't been opened since my mom died in 1968. Another hasn't been opened since the 1970's.

I can feel them sitting behind my desk as if they had eyes. I don't think I can put the process off too long if this is how they are going to taunt me. It was easier to deal with them downstairs in a box in a corner. But it is long past time to go through them, keep and discard, learn and try to forget and create a new box, of the good things, places and times. Memories my family won't want to keep in their downstairs in the dark, in a corner. Memories they will want to share and keep in the light.

The Move Coming Home.

I spent Sat and Sun helping the kids move some of the bigger furniture into the basement. Most precious cargo was my daughter's source of Valium, ebony and ivory keys, down the stairs without knocking the tune into left field. Success. However, their 6 month old gorgeous leather couch would simply not give an inch so it is now upstairs and the best my front room has ever seen. Thanks, guys, but it kills me it wouldn't work. They're fine with it, I'm the one feeling sad for them. The flat screen is in their family room,curio cabinet is settled. Bunk beds are up, girls bathroom getting more private and new frig, a tad smaller is coming.  Abby is having the time of her life. Being newly turned 11, I thought she would be more hesitant but she is totally gung-ho and having the time of her life.

Andrew, turns 9 on Aug. 6, is so blaise. He plays intensely on the computer while all this goes on around him, stopping now and then to run outside and turn on the 68 Mustang. Cool cucumber, he is.
After ll, he is moving in with his grandpa, his best friend and inseparable source of play.

The "men" had an idea. Ok...that they didn't think through. Without a lot of thought they took a saws all to the side of my front door to cut out a doggies door. Today, they learned there is no such size even close to be cut down. So I have an approx 19" by 10" hole for all the unholy to enter my home. It's now stuffed with a pillow and so sprayed with Ortho's Home Defense that an armadillo couldn't cross the poison barrier. (or so I pray).

I've still got to box quite a few books that I can't bare to part with along with some blenders and canners for just-in-case in the future. If we run out of space we will donate to the shelters. It is enlightening when you are forced to cut down your inventory, how little you needed much of it and don't know when things go missing.

The Phone Call

I got a call yesterday that I've been waiting years for. A former fellow radio talk show host called and asked me to fill in for him and do a 2 hour show that night. (last night). Wow. It's been 15 years since I did a full show, newer equipment and little to no prep time. Of course I said, YES! After I hung up my knees buckled and my self esteem, low as it is, shot right out the window.  My head had been throbbing all day and now my stomach was in full throttle rebellion. A few hours and half a large bottle of Pepto Bismal later I was on the road to the radio station.

Two hours later, the show was over and I felt like a born again human. So many years of keeping my political views to myself, being less able to make emotional contacts with lost souls had gradually pulled me down. To each his own beliefs, but once again I experienced the unexplainable.  The moment the microphone went up and the headphones went on, the headache was gone, the stomach was calm, my feeling of worth was rising, thoughts of my personal difficulties vanished. I was in my world. I will carry that feeling for a long time.

Word from another talk show host indicates I will be asked to substitute again in the future.

It was also told to me that the owner of the station spoke of the possibility of my own weekday show. I am overwhelmed at the belief in me, but I would never accept. Daytime listeners are an entire different breed; they are angry, demanding and hardcore politically slanted. I went through 7 years of that drama and it nearly killed me and harmed my family. Stalkings, phone calls late at night, anonymous mailings. No, been there, survived that. 

Big Words

I never think to use big words, never had the inclination to learn them. I like things simple. I went to school with a girl named Sandra Johnson. We were close for a couple of years in junior (middle) high school and she tried her darndest to improve my simplicity with her love of words. She would write down new words she had heard or read, look them up in the dictionary and include them however she could into our conversations for at least a week or so. I always admired her, she always chastised me. We never let words get in the way of our friendship. Miss you, Sandra.

Todays' big word was "oppressive". Through out the shift I heard it often. It was very hot and the mugginess made it's way into the store. By the time the customers were at my check stand they were sighing, shrugging and cursing Utah's early bout with the monsoon weather. It is about a month or so early. The next 3 days are to get increasingly hotter. Oh, happy day. I am sure I will be hearing all sorts of big words.....   

Progress to Sept. 1

Crazy, muggy hot today and for the next 3 days at least. Sweaty, miserable reminder of how much I love Fall and Spring. Counting down. 

The family came over today making more progress to moving in Sept. 1. We're closing off half of our Gazebo out back so they can use it for storage. I never knew how much it costs to rent those storage units. No wonder so many people lose them to auctions. Ridiculous. There is making a profit and there is making a killing.  Whatever we can do to help.  The excitement seems to be picking up now and the grand kids are eager.

We made a decision today to ease the strain on their move in. Until today, they were having to give their dog away that they've had a  year now. I could see their sorrow. We decided we would put in two doggie doors and fix the outside fence so he "Patches" cannot get out.  If they keep his hair short I should be okay. The looks on their faces today said it was the right call to give to them. I am very worried over the cat, Bella. She was originally mine but my allergies were horrible so I gave her to them and she will be coming back. However she is very much an outdoor cat. It is in her breed to hunt and travel. I worry for her safety when she goes to explore her new place. Wild cats are known to roam here.

A Day Running

A day running all over the valley with my daughter and grand kids in their new "used"car was refreshing. They bought a 2002 Nissan Infinity; it had a terrific, proud owner before with the condition it was in.  Me and my 2003 Chevy Cavalier appreciate it's power and (5 air bags)! Despite all the insane drivers today, I felt pretty darn safe. 

NASCAR was great again tonight, but especially because Tony Stewart won. I am the only one in the family who watches it but I think that my grandson will come round. He turns 9 in a few weeks and is totally consumed with automobiles.

Oh, my body is telling me to call it a night. It is generally right. 

Days have flown

Wow, the past few days have flown by with lightening speed! Life's bumps and pot holes has sent us all in different directions. Family needing me for help tending, doctors, work, fighting City Hall, etc. has all hit at once. I think tomorrow will return to my abnormal normal.  Funny, but I seem to prefer  challenges and adventures to the mundane.

Next week I am putting in for adding one more shift a week. Money is too tight but I am definitely not ready for 4 days yet.  It is hard as my stomach is so bad I cannot each but a couple of saltines before I go to work and sip on Gatorade to get me by. I haven't given up that one day we will have all the dieting, medicating and tests come together with what will help my life be less painful, stressful and costly.  I am a believer.

Today my daughter said their plan is to be completely moved into the basement by Sept. 1. It is funny how well the grand kids are taking it... almost like an adventurous vacation. Melanie says she'll feel better for one thing, being here to help when I am extra sick. Dan isn't good at helping; he tends to take off the worse I get. Stresses him too much. Plus they'll pay a small rent which will help for our slow down in work. Plus, my stress will drop tons having life back in the house. I am so lonely at night as Dan goes to bed between 7-8 pm most nights but is up super early. Face book saves me, but for the nights everyone goes quiet.

Hands are hurting and I think I am now rambling.

Stress, Pills & Wrongful Assumptions

I need to breathe deep; in and out, slowly, to calm my racing heart. Lately, the slightest argument or drama sends my heart into pain and rapid heartbeat.. being that I have some plaque and a murmer i must not let my emotions put me into a danger zone. I've been through more than one blood clot in the lungs at a t ime in 1985. My doctor said, you now know what a heart attack feels like. Basically, it is a sharp pain the goes through and through - from the front to the rear of your chest or vise versa. It it is, in a way, like an arrow shot through you. Similar to severe heartburn or chest gas pain, but goes all the way through and every breath is painful.  Tonight I thought it was my time... but just major stress that i was able to talk myself down out of. Things you learn after time. Take a long breath in, count to 10 and release it slowly. It immediately slows your heartbeat.

I have , honestly, 2 doctors occasionally prescribe Lortab for me. My primary care, after my doctor of over 24 years quit with 2 wks notice (thanks Obamacare) was kind but took me immediately from a 15 yrs scribe of 1 tab 3 x a day to 1 tab 2 x a day. It was hard at first and I honestly have to deal with a b it more pain than when on 3 but was fine with it. Then came the one after another dental mistake that for the past 19 months has kept me in great pain. If I took  lortab in the daytime I would run out too soon and I couldn't get them refilled. I told my dentist so he would prescribe me just 15.. to be able to take during the day without shorting me the 2 a day I needed badly. Out of nowhere today a "third" party said it was too soon and I had to wait til 7/16. If it weren't for the look the Target pharmacy employee (known for pissiness) threw my way in disgust I would have been fine with it. She and I will talk first thing I get to work to morrow. (She is notorious for attitude and gossip) It best be she has not expressed any opinion without knowing the story to anyone I work with.  THe situation is odd but the dentist and my primary know exactly how it is going. GRRRRR, do people ever stop judging without knowing the details? Well, there you go, my peeve for the day.

My mother was addicted to Darvon for years (I learned after her death) and that is how she killed herself. My grandmother and grandfather on her side became addicted to Demerol and traveled the state of Utah forging prescriptions and begging doctors for prescriptions. I know far too well, the horrors of addiction and double, triple my knowledge of what I take, how to take them and avoid the smallest risk. I don't generally get offended when questioned now and then but today, with that "are you a druggie?" look, I definitely was offended.

To those of you who truly abuse the medications for self numbing and satisfaction, those of you who ask for them to sell and make money, those of you so badly addicted you need professional intervention I pray for your day of realization and reform.  

It was a Monday Friday

The day started going wrong at 3:00 am. Only asleep an hour I awoke with a start from a most vivid, frightening nightmare and found myself crying. It was an awful dream of the future with loved ones that I will firmly place in the past. Some dreams are just close enough to reality to be disturbing. Ok, a dream is a dream is a dream.

I got up early and foolishly engaged with a friend who asked for a response on a political issue. Shame on me. Don't I know that I don't know anything? Haven't I stepped into this trap before? Make a comment, put my foot in a door. Another friend suddenly encouraged my friend against me in the discussion; a friend, well, go back to my blog about friends, friendships and acquaintances. The friend was a friendship. I am sad.
Is it because I am me, or a female or what, that men will not allow me an opinion without rudeness or aggressive verbal volleys that I am not prepared for. I don't know exact quotes, paragraphs, article numbers, authors or years of implementation. I know from reading, listening, forming my opinions. When I get cornered for facts I retreat. I retreated today.

Should I have stood up and continued my beliefs? No, I could not. I will not stand against friends. I am sad that I can not feel able or comfortable just stating a simple opinion. Most of my life I've been told to shut up or be quiet, seen but not heard, that I was uneducated because I merely graduated high school. How could I know anything? As if my years on talk radio interviewing, reading the news stories the public never hears, seeing politicians behind the scenes, etc. meant nothing. Should I have said what I "really" know?  Nope, I just retreat and then burst into tears and want to shut my facebook down.

At my age I still not been able to firm my armour, rather I build walls.

I was wrong. I am wrong. I let a hurtful moment in the morning affect my entire day. I went to work with a heavy heart and a pout. Issues I normally overcame upset me. My patience was worn before I tried to practice it. Sitting here now it all seems so trivial.  Besides, I was right and he was wrong. ;)

Who needs a therapist when you have a  blog?  Thanks for use of your couch!

Channel Flipper's Day

Well, it ended up 3 hours in the dental chair on my birthday and I was right. The tooth they just worked on for a filling and crown needs a root canal in 2 weeks. I dare not comment further.

I was so proud of the Channel Flipper. He got through all his Prep Drink last night and beginning again at 4:30 this morning to finish without a hiccup. The colonoscopy went pretty good. They found 3 polyps and diagnosed him with diverticulosis which is a precurser to diverticulitis. They are pouches along the colon that can trap waste and weaken the lining, precipitating a break in the wall and contagion to the internal organs. He has to eat more fiber on a constant basis to avoid any worsening.
We were both concerned since he is 64 but barring any troubles he doesn't need to return for 5 yrs. He was amazed how easy and quick it was. Already today he has urged 2 friends to get it done. Yay.

My manly man came through.