HALLYWEEN

Hallyween

by Kathy Thayne Herman @copyright 10-28-2012

　

Marsha, blond hair flying with tear- filled blue eyes, stomped her foot and swung around to face the mirror.

"I will surely die."

"You will not die," Janey spoke sternly as she pulled her long, unkempt brown hair into a ponytail . "Stop saying that, you know it isn't true."

"It is, it is true."

"Marsha Jo, you stop it this instant!" Janey stood, and smiling, stomped her foot beside her dearest friend. "You will not die. I am moving, but not so far away we can't still get together on sleepovers. "

Marsha took a deep breath to gather herself. She brushed the curls away on her forehead before she turned to her friend . " We swore to be best friends forever, to never be apart. We SWORE!"

Janey took her hands into hers and pulled her back to the pink flowered bed. "I know we did, and we will be best friends forever. I promise... look, I cross my heart, promise and hope to die we will always be best friends. But you know daddy has to take this job, since getting laid off. Uncle Fred hired him to work in the hardware store for more than enough money to pay our bills. Marsha, we can't stay here any more."

With that, brave Janey covered her face and broke into sobs. Arms wrapped tight around each other they both cried and declared their love, devotion and pact to be best friends forever.

*****

It was now early October as they walked to the corner drugstore, laughing and planning for Halloween costumes and candy. Next year they would each be in a separate middle school, a whole new world of students and classes.

They left their worries at the door as they walked into Key's Rexall and gazed at the wondrous Halloween costumes, candies, decorations and jewelry. They would spend nearly two hours deciding, laughing and giggling like the school girls they were. They walked up to the register, each with an armful of supplies and paid the patient cashier in collective quarters and dollars from chores. As they turned to leave Marsha's eye caught an orange and white wrist band in a clearance bin. "Hallyween" was inscribed. 50 cents. "Why so cheap, Mr. Dunn?"

"Oh, I ordered them online to sell but they misspelled Halloween so I am just trying to get rid of them. Haven't sold a one." He looked down his nose through his reading glasses and said, "If you're interested you can two for a quarter."

"Total?" Janey was thrilled. "You do mean a quarter for both, right?" "Yes, yes..oh, just take them. You two are peas in a pod. Now skidaddle, don't want anyone else hearing I went soft for a moment." He scoffed but they knew he was smiling the minute they left the store.

Nearly skipping down the street, Marsha stopped abruptly, "You realize the importance of this, don't you?" "Hahahaha", laughed Janey. "You mean that my true name is Halley Jane Burton?" Halleyween!! They laughed the rest of their way home... Halley- Ween, it was priceless. "Put yours away, Marsha, we'll give them to each other on Halloween. How perfect!"

*****

School was rowdy the last week of October. Miss Brinton blamed it on the early winter forcing it's way in with gusts and dirt devils, howling in the trees and yellow brown leaves skipping and dancing along the streets and round the corners. Jeremy Jones, the loud, nasal scholar of the class noted the wispy clouds swimming around the moon meant the dead was preparing to fill the night air swooping in and around the clouds landing behind the trees.

But none of the events were calming Marsha's ever increasing sadness. Each passing moment brought her closer to losing Janey. Her family had to be moved out by Nov. 1st.

*****

Marsha began writing a small journal, in secret, for Janey. The cover was of butterflies, her favorite. She wrote reminding Janey of their lives together. The fall in the creek still wearing their Sunday dress, their special picnics at Harvard's Pond, the time little Tim Weeks got stuck in the mud and squealed til they pulled him out, all the happy times, the memories. She put the journal in her top dresser, now finished, to give her on their last time together for a while, Halloween.

*****

Halloween night came none too soon. The friends hadn't seen each other in a couple of days as Janey's family was furiously packing to get everything done and ready for the big move on Nov.1. Janey was packing all her treasures and memories of her best friend but kept their Hallyween bracelet to the side for their special night. The move may be sad but going out trick or treating for one last time was going to be awesome.

"Janey!" "Yes, mom!" "Come on down now, we have everything ready for the biggest trip. Bring everything you can to squeeze into the rental truck. We've only got Uncle Joel's pick up for tomorrow so we need to fill it up tight tonight."

"Okay, just leaving out my things for tonight with Marsha." Janey sat on the floor in the nearly empty room and raced around some of their favorite memories of so many sleep overs. BBF's really are forever. She looked at the bracelet for tonight and gave it a kiss before setting it on her trick or treating bag for that night. It would be a special night, indeed.

*****

It was 5:40 p.m. and the sun was setting. As she watched out the window waiting for Janey's parents to drop her off, Marsha thought she would burst. The night would be perfect. costumes - check. Candy bag - check. Flashlight - check. bracelet - check. Old enough to go out alone for their last Halloween excursion excitement was extra high. First night out alone, last night out as BFF's in their hometown. But also first night out for their new future....

*****

The family was loaded into the car but mom was having her worries. She always seemed to have them no matter how well everything was planned out. It usually ruffled Marsha but tonight was different... anything to please Mom and get them off to their party with young Tyson so she and Janey could for once go off on their own and celebrate their last night untethered.

She was nearly 20 minutes late before the knock on the door. Marsha brushed off the thought that Janey had come to the front door completely unseen. Must has zoned off, she thought. A stumble to the door and gasp in surprise. There stood Janey so perfectly dressed in her Gothic costume. Black dress belted in black leather and black fish net nylons ; save for the white shadow above her eyes she was the ultimate Goth. Marsha felt a little under dressed in her nurse outfit. In her hand she had a very large syringe filled with red food coloring and a doctor's bag with a hand sticking out. They hugged and laughed as they looked each other over. It was their perfect night.

As with most Halloweens the air was chilly, a slight breeze creating a light howl as it blew around and through the large tree branches. Fallen leaves danced and frolicked along the streets and a cool foggy mist rose from the streets and floated high and low licking your toes to chilling your cheeks. They huddled close as they stepped onto the sidewalk and began their journey through the neighborhood.

They stopped at Ms. Vanessa's house first. She lived alone and seemed not to enjoy giving out candy at all but she always did. A knock on the door brought it open slightly. Two hands and half a face peeked around the corner as she handed a single bar to Marsha. As she went to shut to door Marsha spoke up, "But don't forget...." "Oh, getting greedy are we?" Ms Vanessa smirked and dropped a 2nd bar into Marsha's bag then slammed the door shut.

What was that about? She handed Janey the bar and on they went passing other friends and ghouls along the way. There was so much noise and laughter in the air. Everything was going perfect. Mrs. Hansen, quiet old lady who never stopped smiling and waving to all the children to and from school was especially generous on Halloween and once again it was Marsha who got the large handful of candy to share with Janey.

"Are you having fun, Janey?"

"Of course I am, silly. This is our time. Wait, before we forget. Let's exchange our bracelets. They sat on the grass and each pulled out their bracelets mistakenly printed Hallyween and switched one with another. Marsha had written on the inside: "BFF's Forever. Love Marsha." Janey had written "BFF's FOREVER! Your Janey." The two sat up and hugged. There was no sorrow tonight.

As they approached Mrs. Hamilton's, Marsha urged Janey to be the one to ring the doorbell but she stepped back suddenly and shook her head. "No, you, Marsha. You know her better than I do." "Janey, come on, I am doing all the ringing and you look so cute." But it was clear that Janey was more content to stand behind and watch the fun. Before she could even ring the doorbell, Mrs. Hamilton opened the door and looked around."Not as many youngsters out tonight. Should you be out alone, Marsha?"

She laughed at Mrs. Hamilton's joking and said, "Now Mrs. Hamilton you know mom would never let me out alone and Janey is right here with me." "I don't see her." Curious, Marsha turned and saw Janey was indeed out of sight. "Well, here is some extra for your imaginary friend." She smiled and said, ""Really, Marsha.. you shouldn't be out alone."

Hopping off the porch and looking to the side of the house, Marsha jumped and gasped when Janey showed up straight behind her. "Don't do that to me! I nearly died!"

Janey laughed,"You did no such thing! You are always talking about dying. Why? It's not so scary. You just keep living but in a different way." "A different way? One day, you will have to explain that better but not tonight. It is getting late and your parents will be coming to pick you up." Together they ran down the hill and into the final cul-de-sac for the last of the nights candy pickings. Tomorrow was far from their thoughts as they giggled and skipped to each house.

*****

The walk back home was slow and laughter wound down. The wind had died, the leaves laid rested in the street; even the howling trees had slowed to a gentle whir. They both sat down at the gate out front Marsha's house, looked at their candy and then their bracelets. "I shall wear mine forever," Janey spoke seriously. "Me, too, Janey. It's proof we are BFF.s and nothing will keep us apart. Nothing." Janey's face saddened for a moment, then smiled, "No matter what, Marsha. No matter what anyone says. Life goes on forever and nothing will keep us apart." They both hugged, cried, laughed and hugged tighter as they suddenly saw Janey's parents waiting for her in their van.

" I will call you, " Marsha yelled, " We will make plans right away."

"Yes!" Janey yelled, "Best Friends Forever."

With that she jumped into the van and with nary a sound they drove off and seemed out of sight unusually fast.

*****

Marsha barely grabbed hold of the front door handle when it pulled open abruptly and a hand pulled her inside.

Thank God, you are all right!" Her mom pulled her a little too tight to her chest with tears streaming down her face. "We have been frantic with worry. Where have you been?" She pushed Marsha back and looked seriously into her face. "Where, Marsha?"

Bewildered by her mom's behavior and their obvious misled concern she tried to react calmly and spoke quietly. "Why, mom, I was just out with Janey trick or treating. We didn't....."

"Stop it, Marsha!. We know that isn't true. You must tell us what happened! "

"Mom, you are scaring me now. I didn't do anything wrong. Janey was a little late but we went out where we said we would and came home." Why is everyone so upset? Up until now. I had my best Halloween ever. Mom, why are you crying?"

"Dad", he turned to her with reddened eyes she knew had been crying as well. "Sweetie," he said choking on his emotion. "Your mom and I have been very worried about you. We came home early after hearing the news and wanted to be here with you." He began to walk closer to her.

"The news?" Her bewilderment was turning to fear. She started backing away until she reached to front room window. "What news? What is wrong with everyone?" She could feel herself on the verge of hysteria. "Some one tell me. NOW!"

*******

Her mom took her hands still holding the bag and pulled her down onto the couch. "We know you weren't out with Janey tonight, sweetheart."

"But I was, I truly was!"

"Honey, we came straight home when we heard the news to be here for you and when you weren't here we went out of our minds looking."

"Mom, we just went around the neighborhood like we told you. I''m sorry you were so worried, but we were careful, got lots of candy and had a wonderful time. We sat out front for a few minutes laughing, you must have seen us."

Marsha, stop it right now! You were not out with Janey. You couldn't have been!"

"But, mom.."

"You couldn't have been! Janey is dead." Her mom gasped in a sob and covered her mouth shaking.

"Don't you EVER say that to me! How could you say that? We went to Mrs. Hansen's, Miss Hamilton's and Ms. Vanessa's and all the others... they will tell you."

Her dad knelt down in front of her, his eyes looking deep into hers. She had never seen him so intense and troubled. "Marsha, we called them and they were all positive they only saw you and no one else. Mrs. Hamilton said she told you that you shouldn't be out alone."


Marsha dropped her bag to the floor and covered her face in sobs. Nothing made sense.

Her dad sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulder as if it could protect her from what he was about to say. "Marsha, we got a call not long after we reached Tyson's party. It was from Janey's Uncle Fred." He paused and closed his eyes for a moment as if summoning all the courage he had.

"Late this afternoon as they were driving their rental truck to their new home there was a terrible accident. A large 18 wheeler crossed the center line and Janey, her mom and dad were killed instantly."

Before he could say another word she pushed him away and jumped up screaming, "No!" "It's impossible, I was with her all night. We laughed and went everywhere...No! You need to call them. There is a mix-up." Mom?" Her mom raised her face to Marsha's and the sight was one of unspeakable sadness.

******

Despite their protests, Marsha grabbed her bag and ran up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut behind her. There she fell to the ground against the door shaking her head back and forth trying to reason everything she just heard. Rocking back and forth, she kept murmuring. "No... No... Janey, what is happening? Come to me, Janey, show them you are alive." Janey! Help me!"

The noise downstairs grew more quiet; their crying turned to whispers. For a long time she sat in the darkness looking at the moonlight through the window. The moon was full and lighting her dresser brightly. She wiped her swollen eyes and slowly stood up looking at the drawer where she had left the journal. As she put her shaking hand on the drawer she remembered with great sadness that she had forgotten to take the special journal she made for Janey as a surprise gift . Carefully, she opened the drawer and reached in, but the journal was gone.

Just a brief moment later she saw a shadow in the mirror and turned to see the image of Janey, smiling and holding the journal in her right hand and on her left hand she held up the Hallyween bracelet from Marsha. BFF Forever. Quickly the image faded and Marsha shook herself off and ran downstairs.

Finding her mom and dad, with tears running down her cheeks, she held up her bracelet from Janey... "BFF'S FOREVER! Your Janey." 'She took the journal from my dresser! She truly was with me tonight. She tried to tell me and she was right, Life does go on and she is still with me. We truly are Best Friends Forever!

THE END

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

Funny how time travels when..

You're in pain.. as close to 24/7 as you can get. You get up later in the morning to keep your leg still and by the time you get up you must rush to get done what little you can. It just takes much longer because you can barely walk, push a cart and talk at the same time.  We try to laugh about it as much as we can; it is true that laughter is the best medicine.

We caught 4 little scoundrel mice today. Melanie caught 2 downstairs and I got 2 in the kitchen. They were all so small I think we have a mom hanging around. Bella knows her habit of catching them outside and bringing them in but seems the least bit inclined to catch any that have made their way into the house on their own.

I am hurting too much to write what I wanted. Will try again tomorrow. Thanks for being there.

The Keystone Kops

Everyone made me a promise. I would get to sleep in no matter what. Kids would tip-toe even.
But I realized early on with the bangs, footsteps up and down and up and down, back door slamming every 5 minutes, drawers opening and closing that this was no usual morning and sleeping in was going to be made up another day.

First off, Dan misplaced his wallet. The last time he did I thought he would go into shock and need therapy.  We found it sideways and skewered in between metal bars in his car that he had searched at least 7-8 times. The only time he lost it before that was in the 80's and I found it quite unexpectedly in the freezer. To this day, he denies he put it there but we did not have a resident ghost then so the buck stops with him.

Today, Dan me and my son-in-law, Bob searched everywhere over and over again. I maintained it had to be somewhere between coming home from work and changing clothes but, no, they checked many times and it was not there. The poor car must have felt violated they searched it so intensely. I begged them to make one last SLOW search of yesterday's clothes change. BINGO! The wallet had been right in plain sight the whole time but lying against a piece of wood close in color.

Moments later I heard a muffled voice, "Kathy? Kathy" A little help. Kathy?" Of course I was in the bathroom - that is when the doorbell rings, the phone rings and people yell, "Kathy?" I rushed out yelling, "Yes. What?"  "Kathy, can you help me?"  I look out the kitchen door to the porch and there is poor Bob holding his hands unable to open the door as he is BLEEDING PROFUSELY all over the place. I open the door and to the kitchen sink and eventually get the finger, sliced while cutting a wire towards him instead of away (lesson learned) cleaned, wrapped and taped. Being a typical male the thought of getting it stitched was out of the question as he couldn't see the bone so would be fine.

And that, my friends, was all before 10:00 a.m.  The rest of the day was peppered with gotcha and what the heck moments but hey, we knew early on it was going to go that way.

Everyone is now in bed but me. I just think the day needed to be documented before I prepared for another one. Some people consider these things as bad luck; we make it a point to consider these things as adventures in life.  Today was full of adventures and we all survived.

10-15-2012

This is the first time I've been able to just sit down to write. Things have been hectic. Dan is having a bad gout flare up in his entire right foot and has been unable to work the last 3 days, I am still hobbling but the grand kids have kept us laughing. Even a short trip to the grocery store takes me twice the time. I don't know if I am learning to be more patient or accepting the fact I don't have a choice right now and whining isn't good for anyone.

I got the call today. I have significant disc degeneration in 5 places. The L4 and L5 are the worst. It showed narrowing at the nerves there.Sponylosis, I think it is called. I haven't called the recommended surgeon. Surgeon?! At least they explained that now they see what is causing the pain and the Prednisone didn't work and actually made it worse it is time for a specialist to re-read the MRI and make his recommendations. Of course I have been Googling like mad but it has made me "not" so nervous.  Surgery is a last resort and I am hoping to hear that rest, heat, massage and P Therapy (which I can't afford so that's not an option-hospital insurance won't cover any of that) will calm it down and I can adjust my lifestyle to it.

They said at 25 your discs begin to age but if you stay in great shape and have no accidents you can stay the disc degeneration by some years. I think with both my broadsides and a couple other small accidents I set it all into motion until it reached the screaming point to get my attention. It certainly has my full attention. I am so much calmer when I know the details.

The mice are coming and leaving little deposits downstairs. Melanie and Abby aren't happy, Bella isn't catching them when we need her to. Hahaha. I wonder if she is rebelling against our behaviour when she brought the last two in.

I had a wonderful lunch with my friend, Tomato Basil Soup and Grilled Cheese. It was good to see him again. It is time for the Class of 68 to get together again for dinner soon. Life is good.

Things are Moving Well

Things are moving along well. Dr. called and I am to hear from the hospital tomorrow to schedule the MRI and set about learning and fixing my legs. Gosh, all my others woes seem so small compared to not being able to walk, sit or stand and can only lay in one crooked, pillowed position. I can work through the painful hands and work starving to spare my stomach at work. But I can't work like this.
I miss the crazy people, the elderly I love so much, the valium zoned moms whose oldest kids do all the work, the drunks, the sweethearts. the young men who are still gentlemen, the wicked coupon scammers that we nearly always catch. The mean man who has given me two paper cuts and the high falootin' dame who has given me 4 paper cuts as she rips the receipt from my hand. Hah! The last time I stopped her and showed her the slice between my thumb and index finger. I whispered kindly that I respect she is in a rush but she is causing me pain and unless she has a supply of band aids for me I'd appreciate a tiny slowdown in accepting the receipt.  It think I made mental contact.

This afternoon, Bella brought in yet another mouse and deposited it in Melanie's room but this time her husband found it and removed it before she knew about it. Luckily, she was at work. This is now mouse in house time of year so we are getting supplies tomorrow.

Tomorrow I also meet a dear high school friend, David Mark, whom I lent 3 of my favorites tapes of a few of my talk radio shows back from the late 1990's. We are meeting for lunch to get them and to talk politics and reminisce for a while. I was nuts about his best friend in high school and he was nuts about my best friend.  It will be great to see him. He is the one who owns 2 sailboats at the Great Salt Lake and took my sailing twice. Of course, last September we nearly capsized after being caught in a sudden squall. In fact, on face book, my profile picture of my on a boat was no more than 5 minutes after the terror. We still had a ways to go to get back to the Marina but then I knew I'd survived.

Halloween Prep

Today was such a good day I hate to see it ends in just over an hour. I stayed in bed quite late watching Sunday morning political shows and resting the legs. It was heaven. I kept movement to a minimum all day with the grand kids coming in and out of my room with laughter and things to show and tell. The sun was bright, temperature was my favorite fall degrees. Bob and Melanie set up some really cool Halloween decorations in the front yard that will please the trick or treaters. I was able to get out and help put out shrunken heads and grotesque witches in the trees.

Everything felt good. There was joy and love and laughter the entire day.

Cried "Uncle"

Am I a little better today? No. Am I still optimistic? Yes. Actually things took quite a turn and I am now having difficulties and pain in the right hip and leg but mild compared to the left. So, I prayed about it, read about it, talked about it. I called the doctor's office and told them I was crying "Uncle" and my improvement was only slight. I expect to hear from the scheduling dept at the hospital Monday to set a day/time for an MRI. Obviously, it has been too long and we need to explore the cause and remedy. I was so sure it would get better a little every day. But....

I want to keep working, I need to and whatever it takes is what I must do. Having the family here has me even more anxious to feel better. I don't want to be just an observer but a participant.

I don't want to ramble. It's been pretty quiet around here the last couple of days. Shock. Everyone has had something to do somewhere. I'll be glad for tomorrow when everyone has the day off and the noise of life picks up again.

Better News

I spent the last couple of days watching tv in the jammies and walking as little as possible. This morning I awoke immediately aware that the leg was a little less painful and I could put more pressure on my foot. I babied it all day, walking in small steps with barely lifting my leg and by tonight it seems even a little more better. Gees, this is good news!

Knock! Knock! on wood, don't let me jinx it. If I continue on this path I may be able to get back to work in a week or  so  and bypass the MRI; no postpone the MRI. I am positive there is trouble there but if I can just heal and get through a couple of months of work... at least til Christmas or even Black Friday I won't feel so bad to take off for the MRI and whatever needs to be done. Thanks for the happy thoughts, I think they are working but it is slow.

We began putting a few Halloween decorations out front this afternoon and will add more through out the next few days. Melanie lives for Halloween; Bob lives for Christmas. They both share the love for decorating and getting the kids in the fun of the holidays. I have already felt an excitement for it all that I have for some time. I love my family.

Bad Leg

Saw the doctor Thursday and they scheduled an ultra sound for Friday to eliminate the possibility of a blood clot. I had them in my lungs in 1985. Terrifying stuff.. fortunately they didn't find any. Another good thing is that Achilles tendon is fine. It's the muscles from the Sciatic Nerve down to and including my toes in my left leg. There was a longer word for it but the doctor believes it is a "steroid myopathy" which is basically painful muscles as a reaction to steroids (the prednisone I just got off of). I have until this Thursday to be at least 50% better or I must have an MRI as the pain is also spreading to the right side but not nearly as extreme.  I am thinking it would be smart to do it anyway as this is more pain than even tough me can take much longer. If we find the problem we can fix it.

I must get back to working but standing right now is a killer. I want to be well for the Christmas shoppers. Funny, how small my other issues are to me at the moment. Discomfort from not eating well or cramping and choking seems small compared to the amount of non-stop pain I am in. There is no laying, sitting or standing that eases it.  Oh, listen to me complain.  Wait! I hated the fever and aches of the chest cold worse. I am NOT a fever person. I am NOT a throw up person. I would force myself to not throw up and be sick a day longer to avoid it. Ick. So, there are worse things than hurting so much.  See, mentally, I feel better already.

I will keep you posted; sorry I am back to more body drama.

No One Listened

Okay, so no one listened to my order. Now, Melanie is feeling sick again, Abby has missed 3 days of school and I still have the chest cold. What comes around seems to go around and around. This house is going to smell like Lysol for days.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor about my sciatic nerve. In 5 weeks I've been on 10 days of Cipro, then 16 days of Prednisone and now 14 days of Cipro.  My Achilles tendon is in a bad place of hurt into the foot. I am dragging the leg like Igor in Young Frankenstein. Something is wrong. It could be from the Cipro, it can damage or rupture tendons so wish me luck. I can go to work sickly, I can't work if I can't stand. I drove a cart at a store today and felt like an idiot. Looked like an idiot, bumping into corners and nearly running down poor Melanie and Abby. 

My doctor called me today and left a message that made me laugh; should have cried but it just sounded so bizarre. Well, Kathy, we've been treating your diarrhea, bacterial infection and pinched sciatic nerve on top of your cancer and serious digestive problems. Now, your Achilles heel and foot is affected and we just have to figure it all out. Come see me tomorrow and let's get going."  Okay, I like that. Let's get going.

No Leaks

It rained quite a bit today and not a drop in the house. Success.During all the trials you wonder if it is all worth it but we made it. There's a couple layers of skin up there. It's a beautiful roof.

Well, we made it 24 hours with lungs not being coughed up or sneezes. But, then Andrew came home from school with a very runny nose; 2 hrs later Dan came home with a Kleenex to his nose saying it's been running all day.   I am choosing the positive route; "germ juice" everything and often. We are not going to start all over again and that is an order.

Just ahead of the storm

Much thanks to Mike and Joel who showed up early yesterday morning to help load the dumpster. It would have been an all day job without them but it was done by noon. Today, it's been real hard work since early this morning trying to outrun a wet storm front. The underlay has been attached and now they are working on the last of the sticky roof lay down.  We will beat the front that arrived early and has only dropped some mist so far.
Even though they are still slaving away I wanted to stop and tell you how proud of them I am. Dan;s knees and Achilles heel are killing him along with his deep cough, Bob's just had hernia surgery a few weeks ago and back hurt before this started, Melanie is still sick with a chest cold and scraped both knees and her knuckles. And yet, all three are smiling, laughing,determined despite their discomfort. Attitude is everything.

The Roof

It has taken us over 2 years but we are finally getting the back porch and bedroom roof replaced. We had a "highly recommended friend of a friend" put the roof on originally. After having him back twice to repair leaks, and lots of stressful bouts of conversation and poor attitude we walked away from him and have just dealt with roof issues as they arose.  We've only been able to afford so much at a time. Now we finally got everything together when a 20 min downpour almost destroyed the back bedroom. We have had a good week and 3 days left before storms are expected.  Bob and Dan have worked through injuries and illness. They haven't complained; I am so proud of them.

We got a huge dumpster delivered today for all the old shingles, wood, tar paper, insulation and a few things from when they moved in. It will all be worth it when we've filled it up and can move forward in redecorating the room and back porch laundry room. It's been 10 years coming, 2 yrs getting ready. It will be simple but it will look good and keep the weather out.

Wish us luck. Dan is getting a bit sicker today but still went out on the roof after a plumbing job. We put out a call for any of Mel's family member to help load the dumpster. I hope some can.

Will keep you posted.

Home

This is my 4th attempt at the blog. I hate it when there is just so much going on that is not pleasant. It overshadows all the great things I have taken for granted. I now get daily hugs and kisses, hear laughter a midst sibling rivalry, footsteps running up and down the stairs, the smell of real cooking, helping with homework, all the many things that so suddenly turned my house into a home.

Tomorrow we lay David to rest. He always lived in a house that never became a home until he met his Nancy. She had 2 children previously that she brought with her and together they made a home.
Goodbye, David.

A New Sad Story Of Suicide

I am very emotional and still in shock and despair so please bear with the randomness of this post.
Monday was Nat'l Suicide Prevention Day. Of course, I thought of my mom a lot that day with the usual regrets and missing her dearly. 
I got a call early Tuesday morning that my foster nephew, David, 40 yrs of age and killed himself violently just outside the door to my old Murray, Utah home around 8:30 pm Monday night.Just a couple of hours earlier he was planning his day for Tuesday. His attitude was good. Somewhere between noon and 8:30 something happened to drastically change his goal of life to his final goal of death.  He took his military pistol from his Marine service in the first Iraqi War and blew his brains out from ear to ear. A clean shot. One he learned was the kill shot.
He leaves behind a wife and 2 step children. His death came in the middle of family turmoil in his  family.. bitterness, inner fighting, attorneys, mediation, family counseling, etc. All seemed to be going on track, some family still refused to speak or look at him and he sat alone at Christmas. But things were changing.
Then that awful, God awful thing, whatever it was, happened Monday between noon and 8:30 pm put him at the point of no forward movement in his life. As sudden as no one can grasp, he went from organized, committed to deal with his troubles and make a new life for himself and his family, to the firm decision to place 2 identical texts to 2 brothers: (paraphrasing) " Call the Murray Police. Within 20 min. I will be found dead outside my fathers house." Sadly, neither brother got the message for several minutes but they could not have saved him. He was determined to die.
Now, what was a family crisis in the process of hopeful resolution is now an all out war amongst themselves. 1 sister is totally banned from services with threats of physical violence to occur if one of his sister's attends either the viewing or services. Other people threaten to destroy and disrupt.

So many lives will never be the same. The anger is turning to hate even before they lay their disturbed brother to rest... some threatening to create a scene. How dare these small, selfish minds have the lack of moral duty to set aside for a day their differences and unite to remember and respectfully lay their brother to rest!.I am at wit's end and full of despair.

Boring Update.

Ok, to start off I am still chicken to try the new Water Pik. It is ready. I am not.

I finally made it back to work today, but it was hard making the entire shift. I am glad I did as I was feeling worse about not bringing in some money than I felt physically. It was a morale boost that I needed. Aside from some of the grumpiest customers I've dealt with in a long time, it felt good to be back.

However, now I have 2 sick grand kids. Andrew started to sneeze yesterday afternoon quickly turning what we thought were allergies into a full head cold and just a couple of hours ago Abby came up sneezing and coughing. No school tomorrow. The grown ups are a little nervous right now,. hoping it doesn't spread.

I can't seem to get better but refuse to let my discouragement show. I am still basically living on salsa, saltine crackers, butter puffs and ice coffee. But, I made it to work and back, I am able to walk a little better. Now, if somehow I could get a hold of the intense charlie horses, I'd be smiling  longer.  I am doing as ordered, drinking lots of water and eating a banana (which hurts the poor stomach) and still cramping like mad.He once mentioned an IV but I pretended not to hear. He gets back in the office Wed. so we'll see how I am then. I am thinking positive.

The Dentist & Dehydration

Knock on wood; the visit to the dentist went pretty good. They put on the crown and filed the tooth next to it. I actually came home and finally plugged in my new Water Pik from months ago to start the 24 hour charge. Tomorrow night will be my first attempt with it since all the debacles from my very old one that soaked me, soaked my bathroom and went in my eyes and nose.

The doctor today said the Prednisone had severely dehydrated my entire system. It is a "rare" side effect but he remember a little late that I am the "rare" one. I can not drive due to the intense, sudden spasms in my calves and no feeling whatsoever in my feet. Last night, once again, I clicked along the kitchen floor and discovered a thumb tack all the way embedded in the bottom of my foot.  I am to drink tons of water and eat bananas and report on Monday to see if I've radically improved. He, rather nonchalantly, told me it has to clear up quickly as my organs are also deprived of water. Lovely.

My Flag

Ok, we should have thought more on the somewhere special to eat. We often eat at the Village Inn in Murray, Ut but today, since it is now closer, we chose the one on 10600 S. South Town Mall. Huge mistake. Huge difference in the cooks, quantity and quality. We both felt sick not much later. The portions were smaller than Murray, eggs over hard-weren't. toast had to have been made first. I couldn't even break it (got a new order). The strawberry crepes were minus the whipped cream we ordered, very bland and hard to cut. Yes, there was a tip but it was small.  In the future we will drive to Murray on State St. and get the real deal..the meal tastes great,. better atmosphere and friendlier personnel.
Service and attitude is everything, whether you are grocery shopping, looking for clothes, out to eat, etc. If my first impression has more than one negative, that is my last stop there.  Money is scarce and you need to get the best for your dollar.

I am very patriotic and have always wanted a real, live flag pole in my yard. I've had to make do with a pipe and crooked flag I did my best to keep respectful. Yesterday, Bob, surprised me and this morning I awoke to a large flagpole and flag flapping with dignity in the air. Made me cry.

I can't say enough about my Target and their always pleasantness when having to do with my injured hand or inability to stand long. I've long had a bulging disc from a bad broadside that occasionally get wicked and pinches the hell out of my sciatica nerve. Today, They asked me to take a couple more shifts off til the pain has subsided more. They like me, how fast I cashier and my attitude ... oh, if they only knew how scared I was of those customers. But I am thrilled to know I am missed.  Tomorrow I learn what to do. The numbness from the hip to the knee is 80% better but still am numb from ankles to toes and KILLER charlie horses all day long in my calves of both legs. We need to figure the cause there.  Poor Mel has had to drive me nearly everywhere cause I can't feel the peddle under my foot and that is dangerous.

Well, I am done. Tomorrow is supposed to be my last visit to the dentist for a final crown...but there is new troubles so we will see. Wow, worst dentist in the world.  If all goes well, within a couple of days the brand new WaterPik and I will finally do battle.

Move In Catch Up

If it weren't 11:30 pm at night and I am exhausted I would have so much to say. We are finally wrapping up unpacking all the boxes. I am still going, well, let's be honest. I am now beginning to go through my boxes of goodies and baddies, surprises and embarrassments. I had noticed that I have far more old family papers than I ever knew. Some are very yellow and hard to read. I need to preserve what I can and retype some things.

Well, the cat has now delivered a live, fighting and flying for her life Dove down to Melanie's room. It was awesome in a wild way. Hundreds of feathers, the bird trying to find a way out, the cat with feathers out both sides of her mouth, everyone screaming. Dan managed to get the bird outside and settled down... it did fly gingerly away about 20 min later. Since, there's been 3 large Katydids and a baby mouse. Her gift giving has shattered a few nerves. We found another feather tonight.

Tomorrow morning 11 yr old Abby goes with her school class on a 2 night, 3 days camp up the mountains (without cell reception!).Shes never been more than an overnighter with her best friend. Mom and grandma are trying to be brave, Abby is giddy. Sure hope she broke in her hiking boots like we warned her.  Dan is going to Burning Man for his final time also tomorrow so while Andrew is at school Mel and are I going out somewhere special to eat. It will be hard with my stomach but by darn this is special.

Hope to do better with the updates now we are getting settled in. I love having them here.

Life or Death Saga Decision

It took some insight and pondering but I am going to completely destroy the private journal and plans for taking of another life. The story is now mute, everyone has moved on. The three children will never live their lives and Doug's sister left him letters and poems that continue peace within. He has no desires for the ultimate revenge, so I no longer need to hold onto the papers that would have led the police to his victim's body.  It has all finally come to acceptable ends for all. Tomorrow they will all be burned.

As for the 1st degree murderer I must contact the State Atty General to be certain that I do not hold crucial evidence regarding his case and upcoming appeal for release after 25 years. I researched his case last night and saw his 2011 appeal and it seems they are not buying his story. When I have given my info and feel satisfied in turning it over or destroying it, I can lay that horrific drama to rest. It was a  horrible gruesome crime he committed and I want none of it in my home.

A Troubling Discovery

I told you a while back that I had boxes of memories, some of which I had never seen, others I boxed away after a glimpse amidst the photos and papers I put away in a dark corner.

This afternoon I finally sat down and began to go through some of the papers. I know it will sound dramatic but amongst some,were fun pictures that were a delight and slated for proper presentation.
I found misplaced family photos of Melanie as a youngster.

But,  I ran into a season of trauma, drama, despair, terror and heartbreak. I am not able at this time to share it all with you. I am still shaken.  Suffice it to know that these findings involve a man in the Utah State Penetentiary convicted of homocide and a brother of a sister who was murdered along with her 3 children who wrote me several times of his plans to kill the murderer who was his brother in law..
You see, on radio, I was not the narcissistic host who loved his voice, I listened to all and everyone. Some nights my voice and sharing rang to some with no one to listen to them. Many things happened
because of that. These were two I didn't know were listening or so intensely.

Soon I will share portions of their correspondence. I helped keep a man from killing another man; I helped a killer get through another day. But, until tonight, I never read it all and realized that I made a difference. I did good and helped two people at the end of hope. I need time to accept it and forgive myself for not following them both further to know how they are today.

The Update on Me

Now for an update on me. Those who want no unpleasantness can check out early. I won't blame you.
The stomach is as bad, the choking from the lazy epiglottis is worsening; last Monday I choked while handing a guest her receipt and scared us both to death. I can't speak if my head isn't tilted a certain way or I choke, at night I wake up choking and grabbing for water, some food will go straight down but others, the epiglottis does not close right and I choke where ever I happen to be. I am positive that having the endoscopy and widening damaged the already weak epiglottis because the first night it was done I choked and literally aspirated so badly I nearly had to race to the hospital. My lungs absorbed much fluid all at once. Completely terrifying.

The degenerating discs in my neck they also discovered now pinch the nerves that go down both arms and I awake all night in extreme pain at the elbow, down the arm to the wrist and the finger tips go numb with needles and pins surging off an on. Nights are long. I just heard that wrapping or bracing the arms at night does help so I will give it a shot. I am up to anything.

The worst trial of just those mentioned is the legs. They  began to act up several weeks ago. I thought it was a temporary dehydration like in January, but it got worse.  About 3 wks ago I woke up and couldn't lift my legs to get out of bed  #1 they felt like each leg weighed 24 # and #2 the cramping in my thighs, calfs and ankles had me screaming for help. Alas, none came but I eventually hit and rubbed the tight muscles into breaking enough to let me literally tumble to the floor.

I was supposed to work that day but couldn't walk. I was dead from the thighs down and would not have even been able to feel the gas pedal let alone stand for 3 hrs so had to call in sick. Luckily, my doctor who is usually booked weeks ahead had a cancellation for that day, last Friday Aug.17th.He later told me they would have worked me in as my situation was serious. Gees.All I wanted was a good report and a couple strong muscle pills..... not so fast.

I have a seriously pinched nerve at the LS5, Sciatica Nerve that is so pinched by the bulging discs that I am in real danger of it pinching off and killing the nerve. At that location, should this happen I will immediately lose all aspects of continence (look it up, I can't type it) and ordered to literally race to the ER for emergency surgery so the condition does not become permanent.

Doc told me to fill the very aggressive regimen of Prednisone (16 days, 4 pills per day) and take it the moment I got it filled while at the pharmacy. If it doesn't work I need an MRI to access the severity and decide on a spinal tap that drains the fluid around the nerve or perform surgery.

For now, I walk like I am 90, shuffling my feet, driving a store cart, moaning and crying on the couch, bed, chair, walking and pacing but smiling and laughing around the grand kids. Please send some happy thoughts my way. let the Prednisone work. I may not be able to take the Methotrexate while on it and that will cause my Lymphoma Skin Cancer to break out into cheetah spots and more pain and outward sores and rashes.  There, that is all I want to share, it is too much but since there is more, I don't feel too awful in sharing this.

Thanks for being here for me whoever you are. You are needed and loved in silence.
Maybe at one point, God will say I've gone through enough. If not, I will take a deep breath and say bring it on, I will smile and stand upright.

Adventurama Begins

It has been quite the week. I thought China was shooting up through my house the first time the kids used their new dryer. Lol, it moved over 5 inches WITH Melanie holding onto it for dear life. I maybe should have checked our foundation after that.  The new washer wasn't working right but we found out today the shipping bolts were never removed. Uhm, Bob, those instruction manuals can be a help when you open them.  :)  

3 days ago, we came home after a long day of heat and errands everywhere. Melanie walked downstairs and soon I heard, "I have a serious situation down here!!!  Tell my dad I NEED him down here NOW!!   I made the grand kids stay upstairs as Dan ran down... moments later coming up the stairs with both hands wrapped around a large Dove. (Crap)  He ran outside. Meantime, I sneaked down and peeked into Melanie's bedroom and gasped. Truly gasped. And again.  Bella, our cat, flew past me and ran outside and there it was. The entire room (carpet, walls, ceiling, both bunk beds and cabinets) covered in every size feather imagine. The lighter than air tiny ones still floating and landing in nooks and crannies. Mel vacuumed everywhere but for 2 more days more feathers appeared.
The good news?  Dan had laid the Dove gently down and a half hour later it sat up, brushed itself off and flew away...dents, nakedness and all the sweet thing, I'd like to think, found her worried Lonesome Dove and was attended to.

Last night Bella brought in a "large" but dead Katydid and deposited in front of Melanie's computer but poor Abby found it first. Screams!  It was disposed of.

We are awaiting more "presents" she brings home. And I was worried about her.
Believe it or not, this is just a piece of the adventurama that is now our new lives together. Lovin' it!

I Feel I Could Burst

If I ever knew anything with complete certainty, it is this. I love my immediate family so deep in my soul I feel I could burst. All those years in foster homes I thought nothing would ever be mine. I lost or had stolen every single toy or doll I owned. My parents, Aunt and Uncles left me stranded in a home they knew abused me sexually, physically and mentally. But, a week after mom's suicide I'd firmly made up my mind. No one in dad or mom's side was ever, ever going to kill me slowly the way they did her.
I began not answering the phone, then gradually told them I needed them out of my life so I could try to heal and create a new family. Danny then entered the picture, was very protective and helped me break from the non-stop pain.
Through many confrontations, they finally backed away. They finally realized I wanted to embrace life as mom had tried often but family brought her down. In her darkest hour EVERYONE of them turned their backs on her and her despair overwhelmed and killed her.

Though many never forgave me, God has spoken often to my heart, assuring me all was well. Being told by 5 doctors I was barren, I got pregnant the first night Dan came home from overseas after a 3 month secret mission during the Vietnam War. Our daughter is our miracle; she's my best friend.

This is the family that gives me joy beyond measure; peace,comfort and complete happiness. I have been blessed lately to feel the Spirit fill me with the sense that my early choices were right and because of those choices I have a family of the Lord, kind and respectful, use I love you all the time and hug you just because they love you. Trust in the small voice. Trust in the strength of your convictions.

Tonight as I write this my daughter and her family are sleeping downstairs. My home is filled with love, laughter and God's love. What more could one ask for? In the quiet of this night, I am filled only with gratitude that God found me worthy for these blessings.

My Bella Fear

Out of the gate tonight, my fear.  Bella slipped out several hours ago and has not returned. She loves the outdoors but only during the day. Melanie says she is always back long before dark. Tonight she went out before dark and though we've called she hasn't returned or rankled the bell on her collar. It was hard for Mel to go to bed without her being in the house. It is hard for me to stop looking, calling and getting that knotted feeling I had weeks before she came here. I refuse to believe this early there would be trouble.

She is so beautiful... Bombay cat with soft, silky hair and amber eyes. When she walks with such surety she has the sleekness and regalia of royalty. She is her own queen; we are there for her pleasure.

The dog, Patches, acts as if he lived here all his life. He has taken up with my husband and follows him everywhere. But then, my husband spoils him and plays his games on the floor with him. IT has been 10 yrs since we put down Chewy, our incredible child-dog of 18 yrs. Dan lost it and swore no dog would ever be in our home again. Time has healed his wounds but not his memories. I hear him trying to teach Patches to "high five" or "gimme ten" as we taught Chewy. Tonight, as he  laid with the dog, I heard him say, "You'd have loved Chewy."

Hurry home, Bella. Come through that doggy door.

Now sooner signed out, then Bella comes racing through the door. Now, it will be a goodnight, all.

The 2 Year Sleepover Has Begun

I cannot believe it has been 6 days. The family put everything into high gear and in warp time my house has now turned into a home.  Friday night the last bed was brought in and the first 2 year sleepover began.
Running up and down the stairs, borrowing cereal bowls, a can of pop or a Hawaiian roll. The sounds of laughter. The sounds of pounding new shelves and putting their pictures and saying on the walls. The stacked washer and dryer that barely made it an inch from the ceiling.
Bella, the cat and Patches, the dog are adjusting quite well, considering. Last night they were running circles tail to tail in my front room. Bella just learned how to get outside and therein lies my fears. Today was her first day our several times. All I can do is hope she'll take to the neighborhood okay.
We are a family of unplanned adventures. The days to come will be filled with them.

Work Injuries Are Odd Creatures

I normally prepare myself for bad news but thought I had this one. I was certain. But, alas, the doctor said that work related injuries are odd creatures. They were able to prove the injury to the right thumb joint but since the insurance put me off for so long he has this dilemma. Thanks, in great part, to doctors and insurance who get together and come up with new findings and ways to keep each other happy, the patient comes third.
Many, many insurance companies like to go to court to contest decisions and obligations. When they go to court, the doctor must be able to back his findings with scientific evidence. The initial injury had proof, time, immediate destruction, etc and was proven to be a valid claim. BUT, on the left hand, tho acknowledging it was overworked and took on a great deal of the right hands load, there is totally NO scientific evidence it was truly caused by the injury. Xrays taken showed the arthritis, bone spur and tests showed the left hand almost 100% as damaged as the right, he cannot legally connect the two.
He was very kind and disliked telling me the bad news. Yes, I cried at first. But I do understand he is bound by law and without scientific proof he would lose in court.SO....
the good news he is strongly against any surgery on the right hand at this time. He stated that too many doctors rush their patient into it when they haven't even let the inflammation heal or learn how to cope with the difficulties of the arthritis which can calm down and be much less painful for long periods of time. He suggested that only when the pain or frustrations get totally more than you can bear... then  you consider the surgery. Not all surgery is successful and he told me that all 6 of his associates in hand surgery have had at least one patient where the surgery made it worse, where the wrong nerve was cut or full usage was not restored or inability to return to full function of the hand.
WOW. That made me rethink everything.  This guy pulls no punches. He is one of the best in the state of Utah but doesn't operate for money as the incentive... or the patient's whim. I can continue to have cortisone shots in the hand clear until future surgery as the joint is totally damaged, shot. There is no more harm the shots can do.
So, for now, I am to buy soft braces, anything that gives temporary comfort, shots, Ibuprofin (which I can't take while on methotrexate) and try to see if Target can find me a job that will produce less heavy usage of the hand. I am considering asking to work in Guest Services where you take returns. My daughter works it often and said there is very little lifting and less items to handle. I will talk to the new team leader, Pratty in a couple of days. I am relieved, I am sad. At least I know the right hand will be taken care of forever.  All things work for the best.

3 Months Coming

Tomorrow has been almost 3 months coming. It is my appointment with a prominent orthopedic surgeon to give an independent review of my left thumb to determine if it's deterioration is due to the injury of the right thumb. Since Nov.2010 and the injury the left hand has had to most of the work. It is now difficult to determine which hand is worse and both wake me up all night long. My other health issues are returning rapidly, putting me back to just a couple of different foods to eat, constant stomach pain and now dehydration is cramping my legs again.  The calender says July, my body says it is back to January.  One step at a time.  I need the dr. to tell the insurance company he believes that one caused the other because then workman's comp will cover surgery for both hands. Think happy thoughts for me; I need all I can get tomorrow.

As far as moving in, it's getting me excited finally and not so nervous. Patches, the dog, came over for a quick visit and peed in the kitchen and hallway the moment he got in the door. Well, hello there pooch.  I am buying a gate to put up in my bedroom doorway to keep him out so I will have one room free of dander for when my asthma gets ornery.  Bella, the cat, won't come until they are ready to make the final stage. I worry worry worry about her. She is an explorer and there will be no forcing her to stay in the house. We all know it is a risk but there is no other choice. Hopefully, she will find herself at home and explore safely.

More Moving

The old, refurbished kitchen sink faucet sprayed to high heaven so we ran to Costco's to get another one and soon realized that with that faucet, the disposal wouldn't fit with the dishwasher so poor Bob had to do extra rewiring to get things right and he did great. This a.m. there was wood and pieces of this and that... tonight as they left it was a new sink, faucet, disposal, soap dispenser, dishwasher and new cabinet top to make the Ikea cabinets they put together. The frig is running, light switches raised and safer. Tomorrow the counter top goes on an extra cabinet to set by the frig so Melanie has more counter space for cooking. Looking good and darn homey!!

Lucky me, last week I inherited a beautiful leather couch they couldn't fit downstairs and since they had so many tv's and my HUGE old tv is dying with almost no audio... they offered tonight to take the old one away and gave me their 40" flat screen for my bedroom as I can't see well.

To top good things off, today Melanie's sister-in-law, also a Melanie and her husband, decided they want to rent their home. We know they are great people and will take good care of it. Everything is coming together. They want to be moved into the home by the end of August... so still much work to do. I think Mel and the family may be moved in within a couple of days.

Moving Doubletime

It's very late and has been very full days past, I apologize for being so late in posting. My family has decided to move in double time and we've worked from early morning to dark each day. Running many errands, making things fit where they don't, placing the frig and realizing there is no electrical outlet. Buying the sink and the counter doesn't fit... lots of adjustments but I think we have overcome the worst hurdles. 

Most of the clothes and furniture is here now. Bunk beds in one room; the sink, stove and frig, dishwasher is running. Now a laundry dilemma. I have a piggyback washer and dryer which is what they need but they are expensive. They already have a washer and dryer a year old but they are electric and we're set up for gas. So... the latest idea is to give them our piggyback and take their washer..they can then buy a dryer that will fit on top of the washer. At least I think that is what they meant.  LOL, it is hilarious around here. We are all so busy moving, condensing, remodeling, correcting errors, that not a one of us is thinking with a clear head so we have these meetings to keep us on the right track.

If all goes as planned, they may be moved in by Sunday or Monday at the latest..
Then says my daughter, we are going to seriously set about getting me eating better and feeling well. We can't work miracles but she is making a believer out of me.

At the end of the day, I am feeling happier than a very long time. My family is my life.

Powerful, Powerless Night

The weather was hot and muggy with barely a breeze. My son in law and grand kids were over while mom was at work so he could get their new stove hooked up. It was 7 pm and we heard a pop outside our house. Then the power died. I don't believe in waiting for someone to act so I jumped up and called the power co. I was their first notification. At first we thought the whole subdivision was out but it turned out to be us and about 4 other homes. Skipping over... 5 giant power trucks & later an enormous crane pulled out our huge electrical box and put a new on into place. Within 10 min we had power on. Oh, but the time we had in between.
While Bob continued on with the stove via sunset and a strategically located flashlight we kept the kids entertained upstairs. This was their first experience with a power outage lasting more than a few minutes. They were hyped to a degree that surpassed a sugar overdose. This was indeed an adventure they were relishing.
Grandpa got on the floor and played 3 games of Crazy Eights with a deck of cards I found. All our laughter rocked the house. Abby and Andrew then played Operation.
Sweet Bob, knowing the house was getting hotter and hotter did not want to leave us that way but I finally convinced him we'd be ok. At least it happened behind clouds and soon as the sun set it began to cool with just enough of a breeze.
After they left I found a battery operated radio and listened to the second half of the Real Salt Lake Soccer Championship game. We won! 
Like magic, as all the rumbling, screeching and banging of the power company fully engaged, someone VERY close by... Dan says a half block at least.. became to light off  huge, expensive fireworks every bit as good and breathtaking as the city's display. For a solid hour we sat at the front room window like kids marveling at the fireworks. One solid hour, can you imagine? Some of them were so close and so large we couldn't see the entire display. 10 min. after all of that the power came back with a rush of cool air and lights.
We talked about the timing and what a great evening it had turned out to be..then Real celebrated their victory with even more fireworks. What had begun as a "Aw, darn it" turned into a "What a cool night!"

There They Sit.

There they sit. Boxes filled with yesterdays. Photos, school work, letters and cards, ancestors with no name and other memories I put away without reading or looking at. The past was planted firmly away in the middle of everyday cluttered life's moments.

I brought them upstairs to make room for the move in. I had forgotten what some of them contained. Slowly I will open them, pick them up and try to breathe. Just thinking about what I will find takes my breath away. One small box hasn't been opened since my mom died in 1968. Another hasn't been opened since the 1970's.

I can feel them sitting behind my desk as if they had eyes. I don't think I can put the process off too long if this is how they are going to taunt me. It was easier to deal with them downstairs in a box in a corner. But it is long past time to go through them, keep and discard, learn and try to forget and create a new box, of the good things, places and times. Memories my family won't want to keep in their downstairs in the dark, in a corner. Memories they will want to share and keep in the light.

The Move Coming Home.

I spent Sat and Sun helping the kids move some of the bigger furniture into the basement. Most precious cargo was my daughter's source of Valium, ebony and ivory keys, down the stairs without knocking the tune into left field. Success. However, their 6 month old gorgeous leather couch would simply not give an inch so it is now upstairs and the best my front room has ever seen. Thanks, guys, but it kills me it wouldn't work. They're fine with it, I'm the one feeling sad for them. The flat screen is in their family room,curio cabinet is settled. Bunk beds are up, girls bathroom getting more private and new frig, a tad smaller is coming.  Abby is having the time of her life. Being newly turned 11, I thought she would be more hesitant but she is totally gung-ho and having the time of her life.

Andrew, turns 9 on Aug. 6, is so blaise. He plays intensely on the computer while all this goes on around him, stopping now and then to run outside and turn on the 68 Mustang. Cool cucumber, he is.
After ll, he is moving in with his grandpa, his best friend and inseparable source of play.

The "men" had an idea. Ok...that they didn't think through. Without a lot of thought they took a saws all to the side of my front door to cut out a doggies door. Today, they learned there is no such size even close to be cut down. So I have an approx 19" by 10" hole for all the unholy to enter my home. It's now stuffed with a pillow and so sprayed with Ortho's Home Defense that an armadillo couldn't cross the poison barrier. (or so I pray).

I've still got to box quite a few books that I can't bare to part with along with some blenders and canners for just-in-case in the future. If we run out of space we will donate to the shelters. It is enlightening when you are forced to cut down your inventory, how little you needed much of it and don't know when things go missing.

The Phone Call

I got a call yesterday that I've been waiting years for. A former fellow radio talk show host called and asked me to fill in for him and do a 2 hour show that night. (last night). Wow. It's been 15 years since I did a full show, newer equipment and little to no prep time. Of course I said, YES! After I hung up my knees buckled and my self esteem, low as it is, shot right out the window.  My head had been throbbing all day and now my stomach was in full throttle rebellion. A few hours and half a large bottle of Pepto Bismal later I was on the road to the radio station.

Two hours later, the show was over and I felt like a born again human. So many years of keeping my political views to myself, being less able to make emotional contacts with lost souls had gradually pulled me down. To each his own beliefs, but once again I experienced the unexplainable.  The moment the microphone went up and the headphones went on, the headache was gone, the stomach was calm, my feeling of worth was rising, thoughts of my personal difficulties vanished. I was in my world. I will carry that feeling for a long time.

Word from another talk show host indicates I will be asked to substitute again in the future.

It was also told to me that the owner of the station spoke of the possibility of my own weekday show. I am overwhelmed at the belief in me, but I would never accept. Daytime listeners are an entire different breed; they are angry, demanding and hardcore politically slanted. I went through 7 years of that drama and it nearly killed me and harmed my family. Stalkings, phone calls late at night, anonymous mailings. No, been there, survived that. 

Big Words

I never think to use big words, never had the inclination to learn them. I like things simple. I went to school with a girl named Sandra Johnson. We were close for a couple of years in junior (middle) high school and she tried her darndest to improve my simplicity with her love of words. She would write down new words she had heard or read, look them up in the dictionary and include them however she could into our conversations for at least a week or so. I always admired her, she always chastised me. We never let words get in the way of our friendship. Miss you, Sandra.

Todays' big word was "oppressive". Through out the shift I heard it often. It was very hot and the mugginess made it's way into the store. By the time the customers were at my check stand they were sighing, shrugging and cursing Utah's early bout with the monsoon weather. It is about a month or so early. The next 3 days are to get increasingly hotter. Oh, happy day. I am sure I will be hearing all sorts of big words.....   

Progress to Sept. 1

Crazy, muggy hot today and for the next 3 days at least. Sweaty, miserable reminder of how much I love Fall and Spring. Counting down. 

The family came over today making more progress to moving in Sept. 1. We're closing off half of our Gazebo out back so they can use it for storage. I never knew how much it costs to rent those storage units. No wonder so many people lose them to auctions. Ridiculous. There is making a profit and there is making a killing.  Whatever we can do to help.  The excitement seems to be picking up now and the grand kids are eager.

We made a decision today to ease the strain on their move in. Until today, they were having to give their dog away that they've had a  year now. I could see their sorrow. We decided we would put in two doggie doors and fix the outside fence so he "Patches" cannot get out.  If they keep his hair short I should be okay. The looks on their faces today said it was the right call to give to them. I am very worried over the cat, Bella. She was originally mine but my allergies were horrible so I gave her to them and she will be coming back. However she is very much an outdoor cat. It is in her breed to hunt and travel. I worry for her safety when she goes to explore her new place. Wild cats are known to roam here.

A Day Running

A day running all over the valley with my daughter and grand kids in their new "used"car was refreshing. They bought a 2002 Nissan Infinity; it had a terrific, proud owner before with the condition it was in.  Me and my 2003 Chevy Cavalier appreciate it's power and (5 air bags)! Despite all the insane drivers today, I felt pretty darn safe. 

NASCAR was great again tonight, but especially because Tony Stewart won. I am the only one in the family who watches it but I think that my grandson will come round. He turns 9 in a few weeks and is totally consumed with automobiles.

Oh, my body is telling me to call it a night. It is generally right. 

Days have flown

Wow, the past few days have flown by with lightening speed! Life's bumps and pot holes has sent us all in different directions. Family needing me for help tending, doctors, work, fighting City Hall, etc. has all hit at once. I think tomorrow will return to my abnormal normal.  Funny, but I seem to prefer  challenges and adventures to the mundane.

Next week I am putting in for adding one more shift a week. Money is too tight but I am definitely not ready for 4 days yet.  It is hard as my stomach is so bad I cannot each but a couple of saltines before I go to work and sip on Gatorade to get me by. I haven't given up that one day we will have all the dieting, medicating and tests come together with what will help my life be less painful, stressful and costly.  I am a believer.

Today my daughter said their plan is to be completely moved into the basement by Sept. 1. It is funny how well the grand kids are taking it... almost like an adventurous vacation. Melanie says she'll feel better for one thing, being here to help when I am extra sick. Dan isn't good at helping; he tends to take off the worse I get. Stresses him too much. Plus they'll pay a small rent which will help for our slow down in work. Plus, my stress will drop tons having life back in the house. I am so lonely at night as Dan goes to bed between 7-8 pm most nights but is up super early. Face book saves me, but for the nights everyone goes quiet.

Hands are hurting and I think I am now rambling.

Stress, Pills & Wrongful Assumptions

I need to breathe deep; in and out, slowly, to calm my racing heart. Lately, the slightest argument or drama sends my heart into pain and rapid heartbeat.. being that I have some plaque and a murmer i must not let my emotions put me into a danger zone. I've been through more than one blood clot in the lungs at a t ime in 1985. My doctor said, you now know what a heart attack feels like. Basically, it is a sharp pain the goes through and through - from the front to the rear of your chest or vise versa. It it is, in a way, like an arrow shot through you. Similar to severe heartburn or chest gas pain, but goes all the way through and every breath is painful.  Tonight I thought it was my time... but just major stress that i was able to talk myself down out of. Things you learn after time. Take a long breath in, count to 10 and release it slowly. It immediately slows your heartbeat.

I have , honestly, 2 doctors occasionally prescribe Lortab for me. My primary care, after my doctor of over 24 years quit with 2 wks notice (thanks Obamacare) was kind but took me immediately from a 15 yrs scribe of 1 tab 3 x a day to 1 tab 2 x a day. It was hard at first and I honestly have to deal with a b it more pain than when on 3 but was fine with it. Then came the one after another dental mistake that for the past 19 months has kept me in great pain. If I took  lortab in the daytime I would run out too soon and I couldn't get them refilled. I told my dentist so he would prescribe me just 15.. to be able to take during the day without shorting me the 2 a day I needed badly. Out of nowhere today a "third" party said it was too soon and I had to wait til 7/16. If it weren't for the look the Target pharmacy employee (known for pissiness) threw my way in disgust I would have been fine with it. She and I will talk first thing I get to work to morrow. (She is notorious for attitude and gossip) It best be she has not expressed any opinion without knowing the story to anyone I work with.  THe situation is odd but the dentist and my primary know exactly how it is going. GRRRRR, do people ever stop judging without knowing the details? Well, there you go, my peeve for the day.

My mother was addicted to Darvon for years (I learned after her death) and that is how she killed herself. My grandmother and grandfather on her side became addicted to Demerol and traveled the state of Utah forging prescriptions and begging doctors for prescriptions. I know far too well, the horrors of addiction and double, triple my knowledge of what I take, how to take them and avoid the smallest risk. I don't generally get offended when questioned now and then but today, with that "are you a druggie?" look, I definitely was offended.

To those of you who truly abuse the medications for self numbing and satisfaction, those of you who ask for them to sell and make money, those of you so badly addicted you need professional intervention I pray for your day of realization and reform.  

It was a Monday Friday

The day started going wrong at 3:00 am. Only asleep an hour I awoke with a start from a most vivid, frightening nightmare and found myself crying. It was an awful dream of the future with loved ones that I will firmly place in the past. Some dreams are just close enough to reality to be disturbing. Ok, a dream is a dream is a dream.

I got up early and foolishly engaged with a friend who asked for a response on a political issue. Shame on me. Don't I know that I don't know anything? Haven't I stepped into this trap before? Make a comment, put my foot in a door. Another friend suddenly encouraged my friend against me in the discussion; a friend, well, go back to my blog about friends, friendships and acquaintances. The friend was a friendship. I am sad.
Is it because I am me, or a female or what, that men will not allow me an opinion without rudeness or aggressive verbal volleys that I am not prepared for. I don't know exact quotes, paragraphs, article numbers, authors or years of implementation. I know from reading, listening, forming my opinions. When I get cornered for facts I retreat. I retreated today.

Should I have stood up and continued my beliefs? No, I could not. I will not stand against friends. I am sad that I can not feel able or comfortable just stating a simple opinion. Most of my life I've been told to shut up or be quiet, seen but not heard, that I was uneducated because I merely graduated high school. How could I know anything? As if my years on talk radio interviewing, reading the news stories the public never hears, seeing politicians behind the scenes, etc. meant nothing. Should I have said what I "really" know?  Nope, I just retreat and then burst into tears and want to shut my facebook down.

At my age I still not been able to firm my armour, rather I build walls.

I was wrong. I am wrong. I let a hurtful moment in the morning affect my entire day. I went to work with a heavy heart and a pout. Issues I normally overcame upset me. My patience was worn before I tried to practice it. Sitting here now it all seems so trivial.  Besides, I was right and he was wrong. ;)

Who needs a therapist when you have a  blog?  Thanks for use of your couch!

Channel Flipper's Day

Well, it ended up 3 hours in the dental chair on my birthday and I was right. The tooth they just worked on for a filling and crown needs a root canal in 2 weeks. I dare not comment further.

I was so proud of the Channel Flipper. He got through all his Prep Drink last night and beginning again at 4:30 this morning to finish without a hiccup. The colonoscopy went pretty good. They found 3 polyps and diagnosed him with diverticulosis which is a precurser to diverticulitis. They are pouches along the colon that can trap waste and weaken the lining, precipitating a break in the wall and contagion to the internal organs. He has to eat more fiber on a constant basis to avoid any worsening.
We were both concerned since he is 64 but barring any troubles he doesn't need to return for 5 yrs. He was amazed how easy and quick it was. Already today he has urged 2 friends to get it done. Yay.

My manly man came through.

Finally, Back

It has been frustrating not being able to blog or keep up with my facebook friends; to even play a few games that act as chill pills for me. Favorite games I love :  Zuma, Peggle ( my top 2), Words with Friends, Slotomania and Zuma Blitz on facebook. I used to play Bejeweled Blitz every day until my cataracts worsened. There's something about the color and explosions that nearly blind me and I can't refocus.  One day I'll get the surgery done.  I've talked to lots of people lately who've just had it done. Everyone say it is a piece of cake... if my insurance will cover it I think I will try to have it done soon.
It's a bummer when you can't read, see the computer screen well, can't drive after dusk and at work I have troubles reading codes on fruits and veggies because they are small and the overhead lights cause a nasty glare. This is one of my future... oh, make it near future, goals. Next, if I survive everything else, I am supposed to go to an Ear, Nose & Throat guy for the increasing choking before it truly does kill me and to check for a deviated septum. I have horrible times trying to sleep and stay asleep. Breathing doesn't come easy.  Lots on the plate.

Tomorrow is my birthday. First thing in the am, my daughter has to have an endoscopy for her severe acid reflux and make sure more serious things aren't going on.  I have to go back at 1:30 to my lovely dentist who just redid another mistake last week, to get one crown and prepped for another. One top of that, they'll love to know their last crown might have a cracked root under it...Placed 2 weeks ago I told them there was pain, they said it takes time. Well, I can't even eat a butter puff without pain so here we go again.

Yikes, I have rambled.Glad to be back to blogging.  You are my source of nighttime conversation and little secrets.

Oh! Tomorrow night, my Channel Flipper, after 14 yrs of refusal, will begin the preps and day after tomorrow will finally have a colonoscopy. My 4 polyps scared him....My manly man is a nervous wreck but it isn't that bad. I worry the results, he worries it is a woman doctor.  Men!  Lol.
Goodnight my friends.

Been Awhile

Sorry it has been awhile and must be short tonight. My computer died suddenly and is in the shop at least for a week. I have a small laptop but with my sore wrists it is very difficult to type and the browser is so outdated it takes forever to work. I apologize.

I have a friend who is sick right now but is a incredible blogger. I will visit her and learn some tricks so I am not such a boring site. I think I remember promising recipes from Aunt Alberta, my wonderful foster mom til the day she died. She was a great cook from Minnesota.

This is making me crazy.  Sorry but will be back asap. Gosh, these keyboards are small.

Father's Day

I wasn't going to blog tonight, tired, reflective but it wouldn't have been right and rather selfish not to do so. I had a most wonderful day. Even though I had only 3 hours sleep I awoke surprisingly refreshed and got much done. Dan and I ran to the store and bought him new knee length Levis, t-shirts, polo shirts and shoes he has worn to the bone. Ready for a rather boring, quiet day, Melanie called and said, "Come on down... we have surprises for Grandpa".

It turned into an unexpected delightful day. We watched , and participated, in the small pool swimming antics getting wet and soaking them. The outdoor thermometer there last read 99.8 degrees and we were grateful for their pool to play like kids in.  Supposedly we were there for soda and chips. To out surprise it turned out, chips, salad, burgers, hot dogs, ice cream and carrot cake. It was easy to feel the love we have for each other. I am so blessed to have a family full of love, respect and desires to be together. It does make up for all those years when I had no one. Thank you, God.

Tonight my pain became overwhelming. The dental work is poor, pain is beyond intense. My hands, both, are burning hot with pain and I can do little, dehydration has tightened my back muscles so bad I can barely get up and down tonight. I have choked several times today so my throat is sore and a little swollen and my stomach feels like a hard sucker punch.

My dear, nearly always perfect husband, came in tonight as I was crying and put his hands upon my head. He is not active in the Mormon Church but believes in it wholly. He said a silent prayer for me and within minutes most of my pain has gone and my love for him is greater still. God works through those who believe they have the power. Most of all my pain is now gone and I know sleep will come.
Pray for me my hands will carry me through my shift tomorrow.

God gives you the power to heal when you truly believe you have it.

Slow Down

The husband has finally agreed to have a colonoscopy. That is huge as I've been trying for 14 years. My having 4 polyps and still problems with digestion changed his attitude. Needless to say I picked up the phone and got the process started; the scheduler will call Monday.

I am trying not to stress too much but as the hummingbirds have slowed down so has work.I try so hard not to worry and know things have a way of working out but it has been hell the past 3 years. We got slammed when 4 major sources of employment (contractors) moved out of state and 1 died. Our last main contractor is retiring.  Now, most is remodel or repair. As suddenly as it comes, it stops. Compared to 10-12 yrs ago, we are living small, tight budgeted lives. Month to month we just get by. We never thought we'd get rich, but we thought we'd always have work.  

Frenzy to Famine

My hummingbirds just stopped coming by 2 days ago. From a frenzy to famine. We'll try new nectar but they seemed to love this one; kind of makes me nervous about the last batch.  I am loving the finches and  chickadees this year. We put up a feeder for the first time and have had all sizes, shapes and colors. They get feisty but seem to be more patient at the feeder than the hummingbirds. The most colorful ones are male.. like in humans, the best, longest eyelashes are on men. Go figure.

Isn't it ironic that now the cortisone shot in my right thumb joint has taken effect and has reduced my pain by half at least, the left thumb joint is almost as painful as the right at its worse. At the end of July, an orthopedist selected by Target's insurance is examining the left hand. He is the one who officially declared my injury to the right was permanent and even surgery won't stop future care. (Thank you, thank you.) Now, an error by an employee at the insurance co. that delayed my treatment for several months and increased reliance of the left hand, has them checking to see if the left hand will qualify under the initial accident as a "consequence" and cover expenses. Please send good thoughts that way. It is frustrating to have to wait so long to see him, but they say he is the best and that is what they want. He surely did good by me the first time.

Rough Day

Rough day at the office today. 3 hours of non stop stretching, lifting and scanning heavy items well over my weight restriction but had to do it. Several customers were great and could see I was struggling, lifting for me. It was just one of those days when everyone wanted the Express Lane and had large, heavy items.  Towards the end of the 2nd hour I knew I was in trouble and now, 5 hrs later I can't lift my right arm or hold a glass. I've braced the arm, now for Icy Hot and Tylenol. Luckily I have 3 days off so I should be okay for Friday's shift. I should be on Ibuprofen but I can't take it because it mixes quite badly with the Methotrexate. This happens every couple of months since the injury... just one of those things.

I am still awaiting official word about the blood tests.

And, so far, the kids are still planning to move in..a few weeks out. So far.

My arm, hand and fingers are poker hot. I am done for the night.

Perfect Morning

This morning was my perfect weather greeting to the day. Dan and I actually got together ( in the same car for once) and ran around. We stopped at Wal Mart for photos he and my grandson took during the past year... then around the corner we found a community garage sale. We couldn't find a thing but as we were leaving, just 30 ft away there was a 3 car accident. All 3 cars fled the scene. It was crazy... little pieces of cars in the intersection. A small adventure.
Then we drove just 3 blocks off and hopefully will have better treasures tomorrow. I found a brass, carved frog outdoor thermometer and Dan found an very old, brass fishing reel. The lady said she will have twice the items in the morning so we are going back.
We mozied around a couple more then headed to a buffet for lunch. Then the Dollar Store for, of course, $1.00 reading glasses for as often as he loses or breaks his, then home.
All in all, a good, quiet day just being together.

Results

I got the results from the tests today but won't be able to do much without understanding more from the doctors.   The liver tests were below the low normal, infections were present, sugar was too high by .1 better than 3 months ago. Now, I worry over the liver and very low Vit. D.Gad, the liver biopsy's are painful but we may be heading that way. No tests can tell if your liver is is trouble or dying other than the biopsy.

So I am going to sit back and enjoy my weekend. The weather will be cooler to morrow and I'd like to get outside and enjoy some sunshine.  Maybe take in a few garage sales.  A nice, do what ever I want to do day.

A Good Day

The thumb is swollen and blue from the shot but, knock on wood, I already have a little more range in movement. I won't know for sure for 2 weeks if it took, but am feeling optimistic that I will have a month or two without the severe pain. Always a good thing.

Finally, went up for blood tests today. I can get some of the results by phone tonight. I don't know if all hospitals do this, but I can get results without waiting days for the doctor to call. The technicians cannot tell you anything judgemental or recommend anything but can at least let you know the normal to abnormal range and what your score was. To me, that helps a lot.

Right place, right time today. They want me back at the hospital to work as a volunteer again in the Spirit of Caring. We offer emotional support for the critically ill. There would be only 2 of us but I can't com mitt until I am well enough. I have missed it very much.  While talking to them, the hospital engineer came in and I soon realized the hospital owns the property right at my property line. Hmm, it was a perfect time to talk weeds and High Fire Danger. I am told they will be cut within the week...and if perchance, Sandy City hasn't finalized all their papers, they will cut them anyway. Yay.  Learned it definitely was Sandy City's property that they neglected and not a private owner. That was interesting, considering their crackdown on code enforcement.

All in all it was a successful, good day.

All Thumbs

  It dropped over 30 degrees overnight. Strong, gusting winds made it harder to appreciate the cooler weather but appreciate it I did and still do. No weather whining tonight.

My thumbs are too sore to type much . Tomorrow will be better for the right thumb - cortisone shot in the afternoon.

Red Flag Warnings

Heavens to Betsy it was hot today. We broke another record with 98 degrees. You could feel every degree the moment you walked outside. (whine).  Counting down to June 21, the first day of Summer. Not because of Summer, because it marks the beginning of the days becoming shorter. Hah! It's my way of coping with the heat, knowing it's days will be numbering down.

Today at work it was consistent, people were too hot. Bummed out. Supposed to still be Spring. It was
nice not being the only pooh-pooher about the heat. But my new biggest concern is the Red Flag Fire Danger that Utah and several other Western States are in right now.  In many areas campfires are not allowed at all. The past couple of days and tomorrow will be tense. Winds are increasing and dry thunderstorms are predicted. The grasses here right now are brittley dry. Lots of lightening involved. Personally, my issue is direct. At my property line the City has let go their property that has a field of 3-4 ft. high dry weeds. One wrong moment and we could lose our storage cabin we built for our pretend camping trips with a shower, toilet, sink and bed...topped off with a deck to look across the valley. It took my husband 3 years to build it himself and is his pride and joy. We put sprinklers all along the property line and water every night both our side and the city's but we both have gut awful feeling this year.  Last summer, jerks let off illegal fireworks all around us and but for a wet year last year we may have had a horrible event. This year, I've already heard fireworks that are illegal and not time yet and we are bone dry. I don't think we could bear losing property. It wouldn't have been the first time.

About 15 yrs ago a foolish neighbor decided to burn his weeds.What made him a fool? It was 103 degrees and windy. We had 15, 20 ft Lombardy Poplar Trees all along our property line. They burned to the ground. Another fire I helped put out when I was photographing fires for the Fire Dept and a fireman and myself almost lost our lives when the winds shifted was maybe 50 ft. from my property line.  So, yes, I am worried. I worry every night I smell smoke. Always wondering. Just a thought I had- I am calling the City tomorrow and reminding them of the height of the weeds and the Red Flag Warnings.. maybe someone will mow them down. 

Not A Summer Person

How could I grow up in the desert and not be a summer person? The heat seems to come easily to some people, who don't sweat much but when they do it looks like a photo shoot. That's just not right. A throw back to high school just came to me, "Horses sweat, men perspire and women glow."  Mrs. Sullivan told us that in Creative Writing. I never agreed then either. Mean and women can sweat just fine. I have never seen anyone glow, from the heat anyway, more of the sprayed on tan look.

I don't like "pure" sunny days, I need clouds. It is one of those things that are in me that I don't know why. I need just the thinnest sprinkle of white in the blue. Where an all blue, hot day can depress me one with rain and a breeze energizes me.  Go figure. I didn't plan it this way but that is how my brain fires at certain things.

Today was a record high of 94 instead of our usual 70's. It is not officially summer and I am whining. A storm will be by in a couple of days and the summer people will be whining. That's one of the things I love about Utah - the weather changes on a dime. One thing remains the same: on hot, cloudless sunny days, I whine.

Kennecott Copper Mines

The most wonderful place on earth, for me, is anywhere my daughter and grand kids are. The 2nd most wonderful place, for me, is Kennecott Copper Mines here in Salt Lake City, Utah. Spectacular, breathtaking, astounding, and awesome are words you hear from visitors all around you. It doesn't matter what age, the site of this magnificent achievement and ongoing progression leaves you nearly speechless. The colors of the rocks, the rainbow flecks of light in incredible magnitude that bounce off the sunshine. The nonstop regiment of trucks the size of bungalows that appear to be small Tonka Trucks keep you mesmerized as they come and go up treacherous rocky carved out roads to dump or pick up new loads. If you've never been or heard of it, I highly recommend you read or check on the Internet for references and pictures of the Utah Kennecott Copper Mines. The story how it's inception is itself riveting. The immigrants who came from all over the world to work the mine.

Being terrified of heights it is unusual how much I love it. It takes a few minutes for me to be gingerly walked to the railings so I can look across this amazing expanse. But once I am there, I have to be pried away. Like people on a beach, sailing, hiking, riding... there is an unexplainable peace I feel when I am there. It is my look into man's ability to progress; the thinkers who dream beyond, and the believers who make it happen. I can't get back there soon enough, perhaps this time I'll pack a lunch.

www.kennecott.com/visitors-center/take-a-virtual-tour  
www.kennecott.com

Learning

I see my neighbor kick his dog just ONE more time and I make a phone call. Somehow he thinks you need to toughen a dog and he has a 6 yr old son he is teaching to toughen up. What is this world coming to? Why would  you toughen a German Shepard around a child who is a little tough guy himself? Watching with my eyes wide open. Am I one of the few who can not turn away and say that is not my problem? It doesn't make you friends, but it helps me sleep at night.

Just learned something the docs haven't figured out yet. When I am on Cephlexon, my lymphoma skin disease blows up something awful. It is a trigger. I am learning. Also, I learned that if you take Cephlexon with Metformin (for diabetes) it makes the Metformin stay in your system longer and can lower your sugar too far and get dangerous.  Slowly, I am lovin the Internet but I must explain that I only go to trusted sites. Not looking for spam or amateur opinions when it comes to my health.


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Barbecue

Well, my Thursday temporary crown plopped onto my tongue last night and I nearly swallowed it. So, I suspect I will be on a run to the dentist for a better cement job.
Today was great at work. Although it stayed busy the whole shift everyone was in a good mood and the time actually went by fast. I hurried home, changed and drove to my daughters for the barbecue. Hamburgers, hot dogs, chips and dips and freshly made potato salad. It was nice to get away from everything and concentrate only on the grand kids and family. The outside world took a leave of absence and the backyard became the universe. It was a grand afternoon.
Received more info that the family is still planning on moving in but possibly not for a couple of months. They have to get their home ready to rent as well as get things in my basement assembled so they can live relatively comfortably with their own privacy.
Hopefully, I can get the blood tests Wed. I shouldn't keep putting it off but I am nervous and just do not want anymore bad news. I know. Better to find out now if something is wrong or all is well. Ok, you win. Wednesday it is. 

Respect

I usually do countdowns on facebook. I love music so much that it is a way for me to enjoy a song and share it with anyone who is interested, whether it is for Christmas, Valentine's, Mother's Day, etc. I wanted to countdown to Memorial Day but this year the venom is greater than ever on some of the You Tube sites that show soldiers and emotional stories to the particular song. From respect and appreciation so much of it was anger and obscenity laced politically incorrect garbage that I withdrew. They wore me out.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That is the huge, most important hole in the values of the world. Unless someone is military or inside their church, how often do you hear, "Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Thank you. let me help you, I appreciate it".......  Seldom, right? And is it not music to your ears? But it shouldn't be that way. You have every right to expect that behavior when you open your eyes, walk out the door and interact with the world.
I lost friends in the Vietnam War; my husband served and gratefully survived. The year I lived on the US Navy Base in Yokosuka, Japan I saw things at the hospital there I will never forget. I heard stories from military personnel while working on the base that took my breath away. I cried often.
I prefer to remember and pray for all those soldiers, from the Civil War to today. who willingly place themselves in harm's way to protect and promote the values and successes of a truly free country."To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause."  I celebrate them with tears, love and hopes that a peaceful world can one day be a reality. Until that time, I remain dedicated and overwhelmed with pride beyond music and  words

My Blogs

Please keep in mind that my blogs, if you haven't already noticed, are sporadic and will jump from my past, to the future and back to today. I don't plan it that way, but have lived a life since my earliest memories that are filled with adventure, horror, love, redemption, anxiety disorders from past experiences. I never moved far away and on occasion I run into one to two of those who should be in jail for what they did to me, people who knew what torture I went through in this foster home but turned the other way until I was freed 4 yrs later and all they could say was they were sorry. I should have, I wanted to, I couldn't stand what they did to you, I thought someone would help you, I know you're family but we were busy,and the list goes on. So often, as I go above having rebuilt my life and keeping my immediate family tight around me, I occasionally am forced back to a dark, awful place.

In my blogs, when you read what you may feel are silly fears and concerns of mine, please take a moment to remember that as a child your strongest memories are framed and corner stoned into who you are. Many parents today have no clue that their mistakes and disinterest will affect their children for the rest of their lives. You lucky ones who grew up in a stable home should never take it for granted. You were blessed and as you've grown up and raised your children as you were, the world becomes a better place.

Sometimes I live vicariously through my friends and love hearing and sharing their happy childhoods and memories, joys of their times with their parents. I am grateful for them being in my life,

The Best Laid Plans

I thought people would be grumpy today at work doing their last minute shopping for the Memorial Day Weekend but they weren't. Yay. Glad to have the next two days off as I am certain they will be incredibly busy. Oh, crap!  I WORK Memorial Day! And I just made plans to spend the day with my daughter and the family barbecuing and playing cards. Aw, Gees. I hate it when my brain keeps things from me. I was happy to have the weekend off and avoid the rush. And I am working the holiday.

Well, that certainly changes my outlook. Ok. That's ok. My mouth is still real tender from all the work done yesterday and last week and my stomach is still bad soooo  I will go straight there when I get off, kick my feet up and play cards. I will settle for a half a day over no day anytime.

Funny, how the mind works. I knew I've been working Mon and Fri's since I went back... but I just didn't connect this Monday being a work day. I won't complain as I am so grateful to have a job that is so tolerant of my health issues. Today, I got a raise of 12 cents. It sounds small, but it makes a difference. It is more than yesterday.

I Think I Skipped Today

I think I skipped today. I have been here all day making phone calls, paying bills and making a dash for Frito's Butter Puffs. I did laundry. But, somehow I feel like today was just a number on the calender. A day when all that I've done feels like it was all just deja vu and today hasn't taken place yet. The street was quiet, void of echoing voices, traffic and nature. Could it be that simple?  All of the "theys" that are part of my daily exercise of life weren't there today and I felt as if in another dimension.

We take for granted the rustle of leaves, the whir of wings flapping, feet skipping, tires rumbling. They are just a small few of the canvas that is us. For some reason, this was a day without color or sound. Rod Serling, writer and producer of Twilight Zone TV series, would have surely written about today. I am glad it is nearly over... not that is has been awful. It has just been.

Sylvia called it a day

Sylvia called it a day yesterday. Her life was like the canvas she brilliantly filled with oil flowers and landscapes, seeing all the beauty life had to offer. She was doing so much better after having been sick for nearly 2 years. She was back to shopping and sharing her contagious laugh and smile.  Even at her weakest she would find something to smile about. I've known her over 40 years. She married my husband's good friend and they live just a mile down the road. She was 10 years older than Dale and everyone was sure it would never last... they were happy together for 40 years. She will be missed.

Compromise

I haven't left the house today. I watched the hummingbirds and bees fighting over the nectar. I watched the male finches fighting the females over the seeds. Everyone was hungry. Soon there were two hummingbirds at a time on the feeder and 5 finches clinging to the seed sock. They seemed to realize that a little compromise was necessary if anyone was to get enough to eat.It took some time before I picked up a little life lesson from it. 

I am hungry and have been for so long. I can't keep fighting the insulin that lets me get away with things I shouldn't eat. It's easy to think, it's okay because I'll up the insulin to make up for what I ate. I am hungry, and like the birds, if I want to survive I "have" to compromise and share the truth of my illnesses with the insulin and find a common ground we can agree to.

On a quiet, laid back day, I learned an invaluable lesson from the hummingbirds and finches.

The Reveal

I've put this off a few days but it is silly. I just thought if I had a couple more days things would change but they haven't.  My body is turning back to January before all of the scopes, scans and blood tests.
The pain in my stomach is back now most of the day. Food isn't digesting like it was and is back to slow and miserable. Today I choked in the grocery store. Off and on fevers are back along with the rest. I guess I should state, however, how grateful I am the colonoscopy revealed the precancerous polyps and they are gone. The way I feel now, though, I don't know if waiting 3 yrs is long enough for a new scope. Maybe 2.

So I am sad tonight. I still have blood tests and a thyroid test coming this week and hope those are fine. I am at wits end how to deal with getting strong and eating and walking more. Sugars are way up, I think, because mostly all I can eat are carbs.

I don't want to seem sniffley and sound like a whiner. For all that is wrong with me I usually keep my spirits up but I am allowing myself to be sad tonight.  Tomorrow I start fighting the fight again.

Retail

Having agoraphobia (fear of people that's not quite disabling) and being a cashier at a superstore is in itself a contradiction.  I don't look down the line or I can't breathe so I take the customers (or guests as Target calls them) one face at a time. I've started to ring up my daughter or next door neighbor and not known it until I look up. It happens often.. luckily most of them know my fear and just wait for me to look up before they say "Hi".

For some reason today, things just kept happening in line that made me look up and down the line to see too many faces. I have songs in my head to take off when this happens. One is the beginning of the song Soul Sister by Train: (Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey. Hey, Hey) :) it has a good tune I promise. One of the other songs is "Tan Shoes and Pink Shoe Laces" from the early 60's I think. It works wonders. A few cases of intentional fraud couponers I caught and a short change artist. I got him confused. It all worked out.

I get frustrated with cashiers I know (NOT at my Target) that let their attitudes show and are rude or bored with the guest. Good I am not a manager as I would write them up, then out the door if it kept happening. Too many people need work.You smile, talk politely and thank them every single time. That is the retail rule. It is also what will keep or lose a good guest.

Nothing Is As It Seems

It smells like rain, but it's hardly hit the ground. It smells like fire, but it is on the other side of the mountain.

 Nothing is as it seems tonight. Since at least junior ( middle) high school I've had these periodic episodes where my senses get altered. I feel a dark or ominous cloud over me. My husband and daughter would bare witness to it. Within a few days, bad, sad or traumatic events occur to people who are close to me.. "almost" always in threes.  Long time can pass between the happenings, it's nothing regular or a special fete. I don't know what the  words are.  But I am so seldom wrong that my family always listens closely when I have them.

Nothing is as it seems tonight.  I have an almost uncomfortable feeling of calm, that feels tethered to a darkness hanging over me. It feels like I am preparing for  bad news but have no sense of direction it will come from. I'm relieved the times I am wrong, always bewildered when I am right. As things are right now, I am counting on being wrong.

Forward Progress

Don't you hate when the Novocaine wears off before you get out of the dentist's chair? It's been 6 hrs and I am beginning to feel a lot better. More work next week on the other side. Forward Progress.

I have an progress interview at work this Friday and am a little nervous. I know they were overly concerned when I choked at work. They wouldn't fire me, would they? No, they couldn't..they still have to employ me after to permanent injury to the base of my thumb. Or could they? Ok, this is about as long as I am going to stress over it. On Friday, I will see if it even mattered. I mean, anyone could keel over from a stroke, or heart failure or something. You can't fire someone because they scared the pants off you as you went blue in the face.    You really had to be there.

Still working on trying to find food to eat. Some main staples remain the same, however off they may sound to you. I can still eat: Smuckers Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam frozen sandwiches, Frito Lay's Butter Puffs (my mainstay), Saltines, Ice Coffee, Shelled Pistachios (carefully with the throat), Tostito's Salsa on top of Saltines, cinnamon flavored diced peaches.  That is the standard that has helped me all week long... Lots of blood tests coming up this week. Gotta feeling I am going to get yelled at for high blood sugar but heck, most of all I can eat is carbs. I am just trying to survive here. Wish me luck on that day.

Misc.

Tomorrow is the root canal just beneath the latest extraction. Nothing will go wrong. And there's no place like home. I've been two for two going wrong. Tomorrow will be the start of things going right at the dentist. 

I am noticing at work that more people are paying with cash than ever. That is what has helped me. It is so much harder taking out the actual money and handing it over than quickly swiping a card.  It is more apparent you just spent money.

Tonight is going to be mellow. I'm recording America's Got Talent and Glee while I watch NCIS. A evening full of pajamas and my Butter Puffs.

Lyp and Chemo Pills

Early visit today with my dermatologist regarding my Lyp (Lymphomatoid Papulosis).  12 yrs of staying one step ahead of this rare lymphoma skin cancer. I had to have a liver biopsy 2 yrs ago because of all the methotrexate (chemotherapy pills) I have to take and was given a pass but a noted slight thickening of the liver. Today new blood tests were ordered and he has asked me to try cutting out one pill per week for 2 months and then cutting another pill a week for 2 months, then a new followup. I've never been down to 4 pills per week. I started at 10. 

3 months ago I messed up. For 6 weeks I took methotrexate AND folic acid on the same day which is a huge no-no as the folic acid renders the methotrexate useless. I broke out in sores, literally, from the top of my scalp to my toes. It took 2 1/2 months to get back to where I was before that. So, cutting back on the pills does make me a little nervous, I also don't want a destroyed liver.

1 year ago I lost a good friend of 30 years because of the damage done to her liver by the  methotrexate. She was in a study and never knew for certain how much of the drug she was given through the years. She had wicked rheumatoid arthritis in her hands. Until then, she was an incredible artist. She did a sketch for me to use with a short story I entered in a church contest and won first place. I always felt that her sketch had a large impact. Today brought back her words of caution to me a few months before she died. "Be careful"  I get light box treatment once a week, that also helps. Perhaps, less meds, more light. As I learned again today, doctors are still learning about the disease. There are so many challenges at my door, but I am always ready to stand them down. I've been winning and plan to continue to win. I must adapt and alter things in my life, I won't be absorbed by the distractions. Life is wondrous and I plan on marvelling at all it's wonders for a very long time.

Mother's Day 2012

With the exception that my poor daughter is home sick in bed, it has been a quiet but wonderful Mother's Day today. As usual, my husband got up early and raced to buy me a card still managing to find the perfect one.  We are saving the special dinner for a couple of weeks when I can eat a little better.  Texas Roadhouse is where I've been longing to go since last November. I always get the Roadkill which is the ground sirloin steak, baked potato with extra butter and sour cream and a sweet potato with the works to bring home for later. Excellent. I intend to groan with delight and savor every morsel. Definitely worth the wait.

Not everybody has someone for Mother's Day.  If you know someone who is alone, please stop by or give them a call.  It takes little time and reaps enormous rewards.