Crazy Things That Come Up

It is astounding all the crazy things that come up when you are dealing with death. There are so many people and companies to notify which pains your heart each time as you have to keep announcing out loud that your brother suddenly passed away. Over and over again; mostly met with kindness and words of condolence, you disconnect his services. You take away that parts of his life that were his life. You disconnect the phone he called you on, the tv and cable he enjoyed, his car insurance, renter's insurance, dry cleaners and oh, so much more. I watched him die on that hospital bed but in my heart he is still here. Do I lose a little more of him with each disconnect? Or do I give him more peace that his life is being taken care of respectfully and cautiously?

And after some calls, I receive his mail informing him that he has been disconnected due to death; or one stated we have refunded the month as he is now a decedent. We went through it all on the phone but they have to put it in writing for some sort of confirmation from them, I guess. The most difficult company to accept his death and stop billing is shockingly Pay Pal. A mere $8.65 per month they won't accept all the personal info I have like other businesses have. I have to mail the Death Certificate, my copy of the will stating my power of executor, both sides of my drivers license and only then will they consider my request. Pay Pal, are you kidding me? After 45 min waiting for someone to answer, these hoops I must jump through?  Even the IRS is making a few requests but I'd expect it from them... Pay Pal, you and I will never, ever do business when this is ended. Compassion plays a huge role in customer relations. If you do not have it, I do not visit you again.

Tomorrow will be a quick trip to his apartment as I have to work. I always feel he is going to suddenly walk around the corner there or I will turn and he will be laying on the couch. Please, I hope, let this be the last week there. We should have every item out and home with me to continue to take care of and share or donate. The paperwork will be many weeks in completing.

I love you Gary.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

I have my brother's cremations now, they sit on a special shelf in my closet as I mix and mash so many decisions on burial. He lost his daughter in 2010, Becky age 33, to colon cancer and it was long and hard and sad beyond words. For private reasons, my brother couldn't let go, he couldn't release her ashes to anyone or decide on a burial site. He just didn't want to let go. For many years in her life he wasn't there and bad things happened. Now, he had her safe with him.
I contacted the family and offered to bury her with her dad... who in turn wants to be buried with his dad. The gracious cemetery said we could bury daughter and father with my brother and my father. I felt the universe came together without disruption or angst regarding the issue. so soon I will have Becky with her Dad here at home until we can come together with a time for those who want to come and respectfully observe the opening of my father's grave and the placement of Gary and his daughter, Becky in the burial plot. As per Gary's wishes there will be no graveside services but I am hoping the Spirit to help move me to write a prose to speak briefly before we are to leave the site.

I am beyond exhausted tonight. Each day my eyes get redder, a little more swollen and even I can see the sadness placed firmly in them. In 2 weeks and 1 night I have not had a full night's sleep and not one night without dreams of Gary. Always he seems to be standing by the side of my dream, showing me he is there. Other nights he is watching me go over the papers in my dreams, worrying if I am doing it right. I turn and he is there. Not judgemental or sad or happy, but watching, observing his kid sister. Is it all in my mind? I thought so the first 3 nights but it has been 14 nights now. Every single night he is there. I have no fear of it and feel that after such a dramatic, traumatic and darn hard life, he is making sure he ends in peace and favor. Gary, you know I am doing my  best and have found much that speaks so well of how you took a hard, difficult life and in the past decade turned your life around and made good on your mistakes. You took hold of  your life and moved forward with positive goals and achievements. You reached them, my brother. You cleared your name and your history and ended your life a wonderful, respectful human being. And you did it on your own. God Bless You. God Will Bless You.

You had no family as a child to guide you; our foster homes were horrific but you escaped them and began life on your own at 17. Bumps, chuckholes, forks in the road made you stumble. Our Dad helped at times but never taught you how to live and plan in the world on your own. But, in time, you did it. On your own!!!  You hit bottom hard but instead of  wallowing in despair, you pulled yourself up and fought the fight for over 20 years to clear your record, your debts and finally be able to stand proud and tall. I am the only living relative who knows  your history completely and I say to you I could be no prouder. I love you my brother.

Hopefully, I can reach the point where you can feel peace and the Lord. our mom loved you so much and is beside you now. You need to step back and let me continue your business. I need to find my rest and peace. Hopefully soon, you will grant me that.

My Burden Is Heavy

You have never left my mind, any of you, but life came charging with a vengeance that left a path of destruction and despair like I have never known. I am still weary, teary, confused and exhausted to write of it all. But for certain I will when I can type without sore fingertips, arms and my poor thumb joints. When I can sit without the sciatic nerve forcing me out of the chair within minutes. But above it all, when I can type without tears that blind and stop me before I can finish a sentence.

My brother called me a few weeks ago with terrible news. The cancer he fought so hard against thru experimental surgery and weeks of anxiety and recuperation came back with more than a vengeance. He called me crying and scared on the 21st of Feb. With chemo he would have 6 months, and without he had 2-3 months. He  wanted to live and was so terrified of death.

We talked and talked. He decided to go with chemo to fill those extra weeks with life. He went in on Feb. 26th, to begin. He was optimistic. They gave him benadryl because in the past he had severe reactions to the chemo. Then, they administered the chemo and within moments he coded. They tried, at the Cancer Center to save him. Then the ambulance and short drive to the St. Mark's Hospital where they worked for over 20 min. before returning a pulse.

I was called and told to hurry as I was his power of attorney. I gave the order to not resuscitate or engage in any valiant efforts to save his life as were his wishes. He died within 7 minutes of shutting off the medicines. He died expecting to go home with Round 1 complete.

Within 30 min. they asked who the executor of his will was. It was me. Then began and continues the most difficult moments of my life. The irony? He died on the same day as our mother we loved so much.

So please be patient. I am buried in obligations of respectfully closing and finalizing his life.

Back to Go..

It isn't easy being a patient, is it?  That hard part for me is that I am finding more and more that I have to double check everything for myself. If you have any questions that don't get answered or what the doctor tells you does not makes sense to you or you feel your issues weren't all addressed. I suggest you get a second opinion or verbally tell your doctor you are unsure about your appointment and what him/her to explain carefully and in layman's terms what he feels is wrong.  It can save your life or just give you more comfort and understanding.

I've been uncomfortable with how quickly my doctor felt the cholesterol drugs were destroying my legs. He based it entirely on the fact that my severe pain seemed to subside a bit after I got off those pills. So, he ASSUMED they were the cause.

Since then, I've talked to a couple seasoned pharmacists who say they have never heard of someone having the muscular issues so very long after first taking them. Generally, if you are going to have this happen it will be right away, not 12 years later.  He suggests I talk again the the doctor asap as I need to be back on at least the Pravachol due to my serious cholesterol/Tri-glyceride issues. The next step would be to find out if it is the Sciatic Nerve causing all this pain and if so, possibly a neuro-type medication could alleve a good deal of the pinching and severe pain.

So that is the latest. Pain is worse everyday and limping today no matter how hard I tried not to.
Again, is this good news or bad news? Will the doctor be offended I went over his head or will he be willing to get me back on those meds and move forward.

Documentary Assault on Waco, My View/Critique

I wrote this last night, 02-11-2013 on my facebook page. It is something I feel deep in my heart. If you've read my profile you will recall I was a talk radio show host for a number of years. It was during the time of Randy Weaver, Waco and the Atlanta Bombing. But Waco was the story I was pulled into with an anonymous tip and the rest was listener history. It was a horror story because of the story, a horror story because of the lies and endless attempts to cover the truth up, a horror story because it never needed to happen. I happened upon this last night and was grateful I did. It was on the Military Channel and called  "Assault on Waco".


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Watching the "Assault on Waco" on the Military Channel. This was my baby when on the radio. I covered it extensively. So far, the first hour has only 2 major falsehoods. Memories are flooding back; I interviewed Koresh's mom. After it is over I will post if I recommend it. No one should ever forget what happened in 1993 in Waco, Texas.. especially since the media lied and lied for the first few years after. Some agents finally came clean. Oh, commercial is over..
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On the day 51, the govt order ambulances and fire trucks to come out but ordered them to stay quite a distance away. During the insertion of the gas thru the doors, windows and roofs of the compound, no ambulances were allowed. When the fire broke out and turned quickly to an inferno, no fire trucks were allowed. The 21 children and moms were a bunker that the govt was aware of. Somehow, a tank was parked over their exit. There is just so much more. If any good came out? BBC filmed it all while ours did not. This impatient group just have up and decided to gas them out using a gas that was declared TOO DANGEROUS AND DEADLY to even use in WAR!! WACO haunts me. If you don't know the story, this was close to the truth with some major deletions, of course, so their atrosities over and over don't come out. ASSAULT ON WACO. I plan to see if it is available from the Military Channel for purchase. So many don't know that our govt planned and carried out mass murder on it's own citizens less than 20 years ago.
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A Mr. Schroeder was killed outside the compound early on, his body riddled with bullets and stuck upon the fence he was crawling over. After several days and in the site of the compound, a helicopter used a large grappling hook to dislodge him and take him away. The children were denied milk for days and sanitation was denied. The poor mothers used buckets to lower sewage from the windows in an attempt to keep clean and as sanitary as possible. 
The Feds feared Koresh would committ suicide in the beginning, a fear that Koresh continually told them was not true and is all on record. Agent Jamar, the Death Man with no patience, advised Janet Reno he felt that Koresh would do this and take everyone with him.. so she foolishly authorized the assault on Day 51 with the use of tear gas. As prepared as the Davidians were, their small number of gas masks were no match for the CF4 Gas, the most deadly & tortuous. Long before they were burned alive, they suffered great pain.  There was NO reason to not wait a few more days. Conditions were being met... There is so much more but this, I know, is much for you who are new to this. I interviewed Koresh's mother just before the attack. No one, believed they would storm the families.
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 The Montana Militia forced a stand off a couple of months later, but this time they learned and waited them out and no one died.

　

The Pain Is Coming Back.

I don't write of my crazy afflictions in any way to pull in some sympathy. Just the opposite happens to me.. you say how sorry you feel or how worried you are about me and I pull in your sorrow and concerns and wrap it up into a dose of optimism. I grow from your support, not your sadness. It is not I don't appreciate your humble words of condolence or sorrow for me but knowing you are there with me, always, is literally like taking a pill. An upper, an energy booster.  You send me from feeling alone here in this blogasphere or on facebook to a higher degree. My worries and pain has a support system.  I just try to leave out my occasional bursts of utter sorrow and fear. Now, tears are the best medicine of all.
Tears let the dam break; allow the tension and fears to burst open and flow freely, relieving the pressure that has been building and building. Tension and fear, literally, tightens your muscles. Soon you not only have stress and worry, your muscles begin to ache and tense and you are a mess. Cry.
In front of your family, in your bathroom or under covers. God gave us tears and emotions for a reason. It can be refreshing, like a sauna, hot tub, pedicure or haircut.
Just days after my doctor felt my legs were strictly a sign of the Zetia and Pravachol, the pain is coming back. It is almost as if the tendons behind my knees and around my ankles are stretched to a breaking point. I am back to waking every 30 min or so to sit up and lift my leg up and wrap the blanket to keep it from touching the other leg. My ankles are getting so painful I have to sit up in bed and lift them, place them and moan as I try to position them.
Was it the medicine? It is not the Sciatic Pinch I deal with.. it is once again getting to a point where my mobility is in peril. Could the damage have been done and this is it? Or is it more? Am I missing fluid in my joints and bone to bone?
I ask little more than good thoughts and positive attitudes. Maybe it isn't the meds I took and stopped? Or maybe the damage is permanent. Or ????   Time to go back to work on it before I begin to be unable to walk. I don't plan on letting that happen, The calf pain is coming back...pray for me.

Life Expectancy Just Dropped.

A brief update. I saw the doctor today and he confirms the damage to the calves more than likely did come from the Zetia and Pravachol. There is no other drug to take their place. Calmly he turned and told me that my chances of stroke or heart attack were now increased by 2/3.  Nice. Just nice.
To have been on the drugs for over 10 years and they are only now causing damage and severe pain is incredible rare.  Well, hello!!!  How long has every doctor who has diagnosed me said that what I had was very rare.  God must think me very special. I like him, too.  I take none of these challenges with anger or revenge but intend to grow mentally and physically from them. And be a better person than I am at this very moment.

A couple of my friends think this is all made up and hypochondria.. you know those... they seldom see the doctor, have an emergency and take no to few pills. For some reason, these selfish morons. think that everyone is just like them and if  you are not... you have a "mental" problem.  I'd like to give them a mental problem, a slap to the head. It wastes my love and determination to deal with those who have and degrade the have-nots.  One day, God will flip them in the side of the head and wonder what they were thinking.

I was told to get a blood test soon and see him in 3 months. IF my blood has shoot over the moon we will again try the Pravachol.  If not, the diet and excercise is helping.  Meanwhile, of course, I worry over every sharp pain in the chest or head.  I now God has a reason for me. I will do my bestl A little luck coming from you would surely help.

I Choose To Feel Special

I can't believe it is February. I have been here, life has been moving along and yet somehow, I got neutral and fogged in my duties to blog. It is actually a good thing because things have been quite normal. We are again sharing coughs, sneezes and sore throats. Which I am blaming a lot on the very bad air quality we've had for weeks. One day, Salt Lake was rated No. 1 for having the worst air quality in the country. That's nice. That's not something we want to be No. 1 for.

An update on my legs and my Christmas Miracle. Remember I told you I still had some discomfort but nothing like the crippling, excruciating pain of Nov and Dec?  The past 2 weeks I noticed that the pain and tightening in my calves and upper thighs was returning more day by day.Around Jan.26 I arose and noticed the pain was rapidly increasing and by last Tuesday I could barely get up or lift my legs. (However,very painful... NOT the overwhelming pain of before).  My neighbor is a recently retired nurse who saw me get out of my car and wince to the door. We talked and the phone and she convinced me to call the doctor immediately. So, the current story is I am now also off my cholesterol medicine which for 11 yrs was Lipitor and the last 6 months, Pravachol. Apparently, between the Zetia and Pravachol, Lipitor, all statins... my muscles were straining to a point of rupturing.

I meet with the doctor this Wednesday to see where to go next for my high cholesterol and triglycerides. Not only that, I can no longer afford my insulin. Obamacare has scared the drug companies into cutting back on samples for doctors. The insulin would cost me $228 about every 4 weeks and I do not have the money. I am scared. Serious dieting must happen... but what will he suggest when I have Diabetes, Crohn's Disease, Gastroparesis, High Cholesterol and the diets contradict each other?

I am praying the Lord will bless the doctor with wisdom and help for me. Without my chol. meds I fear every day of stroke or heart attack. It is so much to think about and I could easily fall into a mental blob of pity and severe anxiety or anger wondering why.

I choose to feel special, to feel that God had a better purpose for me on this earth and perhaps I had to see these challenges to reach the stage I can be of a greater service to Him. God is not cruel or vengeful and surely I must have been a good candidate in the pre-existence and I hope to not let Him down.

Anytime I spend looking back and feeling sad, distracts and takes away time I need now to move forward in taking the next steps.

Blessed.

It has been a rather usual period of time that has passed. I kept typing "unusual" instead because that is how things generally are but it seriously has been business as usual. That puts me on edge. I think this is the longest I've gone in some time now without an adventure or unlikely experience. Don't think for a moment I am taking it for granted but I am savoring it. How long can normality exist around here?  Ha, we shall see.

My husband says I worry far too much what others will think but that is just who I am and when I have tried to brush things off I dwell on them more. Some people are sympathetic, or apathetic but I am top to bottom empathetic. I feel every one's pain, sorrow and laughter. It was first brought to my attention when I was in junior high school. Aunt Alberta, my foster mom, noticed that kids from school  would call me at home and ask advice, mostly about social situations or the pangs of falling in love. We talked about it when I was older and we just couldn't pin in down. I cannot presume to know what it is that tells a person that I am someone they can trust to hear their story. In the beginning it was disarming because I was still wary of everyone after coming out of a nightmare foster home. When I began realizing it was sincere and they weren't trying to set me up or anything sinister I found peace with it.

The phone rang often. On a couple of occasions it was a "dreamy" boy from school who was looking to ask out a certain "someone" and did I know what "she" liked or how to ask "her". Then it sometimes turned to calls needing reassurance because of a break up. I helped to advise several young men that I had my own eyes on. One married the girl and they now have 5 kids.

In the next 40 years it has been simply a way of life for me.Whether it is family life, community friends, people I've worked with or strangers I met at a garage sale, I have been blessed with hearing many stories and seeing many things that I hope have helped some one's life feel a little better than it was before.  I would like to thank God for trusting this in me. I know that I could not see what I've seen, know what I know without Angels.  Tonight, I am feeling so blessed. 

A Quick Mix Pkg

Bill seems to have made a final decision. No more operations concerning the defibrillator and pacemaker. The doctors and Bill have decided to keep him on antibiotics the rest of his life and hope that will be sufficient. He is feeling better than a long time but his weakness is still there. Family is going to try and keep him active, keep his spirits and make his life more eventful.  He tends to let his frustration and fears a priority instead of his blessings and his family. But, I think that is normal considering all that he has gone through for some time.

Next week I have to sit with my doctor and explain to him the Zetia episode and how no others will ever have to go through what I did. I still have pain in my calves that on occasion will buckle my knee but they are now few and far between. I am aware this may never go away, but the crippling pain that kept me in tears and writhing in agony seem to be over. Andrew left a fairly large toy in my hallway. 4 weeks ago I would have had to ask someone to move it or try to slide my foot enough to move it a bit away as I could not get my foot the 4" off the ground to walk over it.

Sometimes, people should take the time to weigh the good things in their life against the bad. It truly puts things in perspective. Sure, I have quite a few afflictions, most will never ease or be cured, however I know of many who have just 1 or 2 afflictions that will end their lives in a few months or year or two, some who can no longer walk or care for themselves and a dear, sweet friend who has troubles remembering the simplest of things. An artist friend, so crippled with arthritis she can no longer even sign her name.

I still have the issues with all my digestion from the semi working epiglottis that at times has caused me to choke to near unconsciousness just by swallowing wrong while talking, or swallowing with my head straight up instead of leaning forward. The wrong foods, and wow, there are so many now that can make me ill for several days. The Crohn's disease that calls for one diet, Diabetes call for another, Gastroparesis calls for another and the cholesterol calls for yet another. My doctor has said we can only log it and go by trial and error. I fear I may never lose the 20-25# I need to when most I can eat are  high in carbs and calories. Soon, the sciatic nerve will be in remission and I can get on my dear
exercise bike and slowly work up to a good length of work out.

Well, I have truly rambled thru much tonight but with the grandkids wanting computer time, by the time I get it at night, I am too tired.

Tale care. Be Happy and find Peace and Joy in something each day.

Bill Came Home Today

A good surprise, Bill was able to come home this morning. His family is thrilled, but Bill is in the clouds loving every little thing at home, that he had taken for granted before this.
There is still some minor infection but it should clear  up soon.
Then he has to make the serious decision to have defib replaced with a pacemaker. He's been warned that the operation itself could be very difficult on him, no guarantees he would survive the surgery but if he did he would have a noticeably greater and longer life ahead.
So he and his wife and kids are helping weigh the risks but ultimately it is for Bill to decide. He knows we will all support him no matter what he chooses.

Bill's Update

Tomorrow, Bill is supposed to be driven from the rehab center to the hospital and get checked to see if these weeks of antibiotics have cleared up from around his heart.  We are all hopeful. When he is declared all clear then the doctors will prepare to remove his bad defibrillator and replace it with a pacemaker, We know that operation will be difficult for him, his background and age.
Lots of anxiety in the family quelled with the feeling all will work out well. I will continue to keep you posted.  That family truly needs their Patriarch.

My Christmas Miracle

I survived the Holidays. I got the presents bought and wrapped in time without a panic attack. I was surrounded with the light of the grand kids, watching my daughter sing a beautiful Christmas Duet from the pulpit in church and lost my depression somewhere in between the good things.
It's New Year's Day and I live it full of promise and hope.  After all, I had a Christmas Miracle.

My legs had been getting much worse, the pain at times was as close to unbearable as I ever want to be. I did much hidden crying and moaning, writhing in awful pain all night long. By then, my calves on each leg were worsening rapidly. I can only give this description:  Imagine keeping your legs stiff and holding onto something firmly. Then imagine someone with a 2" galvanized pipe slamming it into your calves full force or the worse charlie horse you've ever had but it never eases. I got to where I could barely lift my left foot much over an inch or so off the ground. I shuffled from room to room trying not to moan out loud with each step.  My days were filled with constant sitting, stirring, lying. tossing, dragging my feet.... I wish I could say I am exaggerating but I am not. There aren't enough words to fully describe it. All this was in addition to the pinched sciatic nerve which was slowly beginning to heal from the inflammation.

Then the Miracle began.  It certainly didn't seem to be a Miracle but a tragedy for me. For 12 yrs I have been taking a drug called Zetia to help me with dangerously high level of Triglycerides in my blood, so high, in fact, the doctor took a large blood sample and it was sent to several large clinics back East for study. They felt I should have had a stroke or heart attack at those levels... if you know what the highs are you will still be stunned to know mine were just over 2,000 and are now down to about 450 which is still high but great news for my situation.  I digress, Sorry, I tend to do that.

Zetia was always given to me through samples left with the doctor as they knew I could never afford the expensive drug and my case was so unusual. I think only once did I pay and it was apprx. $200 for a 30 day supply. Suddenly 3 weeks ago I called for my samples and heard there were none. They also said that due to the upcoming Obamacare, the Pharmaceutical Reps were no longer giving out as many samples and stopping some. Just like that. No Zetia. My natural drama had my mind racing that I would have a stroke and soon. Never miss a pill I was told all these years. I was terrified and now I can say this was a big part of my sudden depression.  There is no generic or similar medication.

So the days went by, my fear continued. I looked on the Internet about Zetia. I learned you are NOT supposed to be on it for long periods of time and you are NOT supposed to suddenly stop. Great!!
12 years and a sudden stop. I felt doomed and desolate.

Two days before Christmas I heard a noise out front the house early in the morning and hopped out of bed and hurried to the window. It wasn't important. There was the newspaper waiting for me and....
and "what the heck?" I had literally "hopped" out of bed and hurried with both legs lifting and knees bending to the window. I could walk. I giggled quietly and took steps to the left, turned and walked forward and backwards like a drunk I was. Giddy. The pain was in my knee but different; this time I could turn with my knee and not pivoting on my foot. My feet lifted a foot or more,,,,

Dan walked in then. I grabbed his hand. Look.  Watch this. I walked with pride from the kitchen to the window and back. He didn't say a word.  I raised my legs and touched my calves which before I could not let anything touch them. What happened, he asked?  It's  My Miracle. It is.still My Miracle. I can rest at night; I can sit longer periods, I shop at the store without a riding cart.

I later learned on several Web sites for people with horrific pain in the calf DUE TO ZETIA.  There were so many describing their pain and I cried as I read them. Someone else knew how tortuous it is and was.  They all related their trials to Zetia and the relief that eventually came after weeks without it. I've also heard there may be permanent damage to my calves but to feel this much better after over 2 1/2 months of pure agony... I will settle for that. 

Thanks for seeing this blog through, I know it is long. But I wanted to share My Christmas Miracle.

Lingered too Long

It certainly has been an eventful week. I've tried to keep things as normal as possible around me. I am the same on Facebook, on the phone, at work and mostly at home. But moments are sneaking up on me more frequently; moments of despair and fear. Except for you I am alone in knowing this because the words don't come out. They lie inside me wanting to burst but I keep them down; I let myself linger too long on sad paths.

And now, with Christmas a week away it is time to shake myself off and get moving. I tarried too long and have gotten myself into a pickle. I am behind in everything from shopping to getting out cards. I think they will be hand delivered this year. Downstairs the family fit  in a darling tree they decorated last night and it felt so good to hear the laughter and songs.

It has been a difficult year physically and I have kicked myself soundly for letting that interfere with the most blessed and wonderful time of year.  Shortly before this blog I had this Epiphany, this good, strong feeling of peace. The All is Well.  The Get Up and Count Your Blessings. 

And that is what I plan to do. 

Doilies

There are nightstands and dressers for a reason. They are meant to contain your clothing, cuffs and jewelry, doo-dads and for when-evers.  They are where you leave your "stuff", the things that make up your waking and sleeping moments. My nightstand has a small jar of Vick's, a jug of water, the remote control (yes, I watch tv in bed at night), alarm clock (2- because I am paranoid) loose change and a doily underneath it all. The doily. The most important part of my nightstand. During all the ups and downs of the day, tossing and turning  of the night, the doily remains. It keeps the dust off, it adds character and most of all reminds me of Grandma and Aunt Alberta.

Aunt Alberta always said there weren't enough doilies in the world. Whether they were decorated with flowers, spiraling vines, needlework or crochet, they drew you to them. It was important to keep them washed and ironed. After she passed away I was able to keep a few of hers and at the end of the day it is the last thing I see as I turn off the light.

She was right. There still aren't enough doilies in the world today. 

Sorry Again

Sorry it has been too long but who can predict what happens next.  First of all, Bill is in a good Rehab Center and from what I hear is as ornery as all get out. The food isn't right, the pills are late, etc. But it is that fiestiness of his that keeps that heart pumping.  A few more weeks and they will see how the infection is doing and if he is ready for the removal of the old defibrillator and in with the new. That is a big fear. At that time, his family from Reno and Oregon will come to town to help out and offer support.

I am getting no better these past 2 weeks with the sciatic nerve and 3 disintegrating discs. Rest and heat doesn't help. A full nights sleep does; for an hour or so. Seriously, hours in bed seems to help but they say to keep up movement to avoid atrophy.

Thank you Jesus for convincing them to 2 hr. shifts. The back has been so bad Target had forgotten the whole reason I work the Express Lane is the damaged thumb joint from the on the job injury in Nov 2010. That is permament and they cannot fire me do to the injury. They are searching for ways they can find me a job that doesn't contribute to more pain and suffering. I'd like to answer phones and they are looking into a way to do that. Thank you, Target, for still treating me with respect and understanding my suffering.  Except for -rat-y who has made it awful to talk to her. She said maybe I should quit, said I made her scheduling difficult, maybe I needed more time off.... said some hurtful things. So, having put up with people treating me bad most of my life I stood up and went right to the new Human Resource Lady, shut the door and started talking. I now truly have faith that work will eventually work out for me without so much pain. (-rat-ty) has earned many disgruntled workers in her first 6 months. Hopefully, she changes before she changes.... to another store.

I need to find money to buy the Dragon speak program so I can still blog, write my stories and poems without the pain in my wrists. Maybe for a combo of Christmas and Valentines Day? It's worth a try and I could definitely get a lot more writing done.

Misc

Well, they removed Bill's gallbladder yesterday; looks like that was the primary source of his infection in the heart and defibrillator so he was transferred out of the hospital into a rehab facility for the next 6 weeks for constant antibiotics and breathing sessions. At the end of that period if the infection has cleared enough then they will go ahead with the surgery to remove his defib and replace it with a pacemaker. At least that is the latest.

I lasted my 2 hours at work. Today they agreed to keep me on the 2 hours shifts which was a huge relief as I had heard the store never allows 2 hour shifts. It helped that I am on permanent disability with the hand injury that occurred there, kind of gave me leverage. 

Sciatic Nerve. Two very nasty words. I would go through everything twice that I have this year to not have this. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  The pain just does not stop whether you are sitting or standing and you have to lie down just so to ease the pinch. There, I've complained and feel a tad better. I've gotten much better over the past few weeks I just have to remember my lifestyle has to change a bit and what to avoid. It is good that someone has gone on before you when these things happen so they have recommendations and treatments for you.

The Sense

Melanie is getting used to this. I don't know what to call it; perhaps it has no name. For many, many years I've had the unusual experience of knowing when something very bad is about to happen to someone I know. I don't often know who it will happen to, but certain it is about to occur. It is a consuming heaviness in my heart, the sense of impending doom, the knowledge that tragedy or great sorrow is quickening. I find it hard to concentrate as my mind is dissecting everything occurring with everyone I know, quietly, but waiting, always fearful it will be one of my family or dear friends.  I am not even sure when these feeling first came to me, at least 30 years ago or more.

Of course in writing this, it is looking back so I don't blame the skeptics. It was about 3 weeks ago I mentioned casually to Melanie that I was having one of those feelings of doom and loss. We both dismissed it... verbally, but mentally I knew the sensation and it is wrong a small percentage of the time.

A couple of weeks later, Bill had his severe breathing episode and fever and was rushed to the hospital where he remains until his surgery on Tuesday. (We are all praying feverishly it will go well and the infection surrounding the defibrillator will clear along with the infection in his heart enough for a safe implant of a pacemaker in 6 weeks.. 6 weeks with nothing to keep his heart beating as it should),but as lest he'll be in a facility that has folks who can take care of him in case of crisis.

Then last night a neighbor of 30+ years was sent home after 2 frightening weeks in ICU for a heart attack, but safe, successful implant of a pacemaker. He was happy and planning a trip they'd had to postpone due to the heart attack. Family all came over last night and rejoiced in the success and his quick, strong recovery and loved and hugged him with much gratitude. For whatever reason, this morning he passed away at home.

Yesterday, a close and sweet client of our for several years lost her father who we also had worked with and Dan sat with a number of times as this once brilliant, giving man would talk nonsense and make quizzical comments with laughter and Dan would laugh with him as if it all was well. A good man who loved his daughter, Tami, with his whole heart and adored her. She is lost in grief.

Please, dear Lord, let this three be the last for a long time. So much comfort is needed and as my sense of doom has lifted I beg for a lengthy reprieve.

Day of Accepting

Today was a bewildering day full of what if's and maybes peppered with should this be's. The kids are playing their various games oblivious to the plight of the elders.
This morning held lots of discussion and various scenarios. So far, Patriarch Bill has decided that on Tuesday they will remove his defibrillator. Then he will spend 6 weeks in a rehab center around people who could help him if his heart went south or stopped and they are capable of working on him. IF the infection goes away in that 6 weeks they will implant a pacemaker instead, keep him on lifetime antibiotics if the surgery goes well.
We are all buzzing. There are naysayers, hopefuls and those terrified of losing their dad. Who can know what is the right course? He no longer is active in the LDS Church and is in fact critical of the Church. He has no other religious affiliation and I fear for his bleak look into his life after death.
I pray over and over for his recovery. He doesn't seem to realize the many family member that look up to him and for him to help with his wisdom.
Please, dear Angels, whisper strong into Bill's ear and swim in his dreams; assure him of the right course of action. No matter what is, we all will be here.

After Thanksgiving Day

In an hour we are heading out for our Thanksgiving Dinner without the Patriarch Bill. He will remain hospitalized at least a couple more days. All of us will do our best to keep the atmosphere joyous for the kids but I am certain most of us will have an aching for who isn't there. Who may well not be there for another Thanksgiving.

The doctor, an hour ago, gave him and Bev an update. The heart has much infection and he said there are two choices. One: With the pic line in his neck he must go to a rehab and stay for 6 weeks (Bill couldn't stay in the hospital overnight without Bev) and then remain on antibiotics for the rest of his life which he figures to be about one year. Two:  This Tuesday they could remove his defibrillator which is covered with the infection and replace it with a new one, but could not guarantee he would survive the surgery in this condition.  Bill thinks there is another option. Three: He wants them to remove the device and not implant a new one believing he would have a better short term quality of life than a prolonged one with so much attached to it.

Tomorrow, Bob and his sister will go meet with them at the hospital and hopefully come up with a decision as time is of the essence. My heart goes out to all of them. He is a retired lifetime truck driver who made many difficult long hauls and experienced so many stories we love to hear. We want him to stay. We want more from him and for him.