It has been a rather usual period of time that has passed. I kept typing "unusual" instead because that is how things generally are but it seriously has been business as usual. That puts me on edge. I think this is the longest I've gone in some time now without an adventure or unlikely experience. Don't think for a moment I am taking it for granted but I am savoring it. How long can normality exist around here? Ha, we shall see.
My husband says I worry far too much what others will think but that is just who I am and when I have tried to brush things off I dwell on them more. Some people are sympathetic, or apathetic but I am top to bottom empathetic. I feel every one's pain, sorrow and laughter. It was first brought to my attention when I was in junior high school. Aunt Alberta, my foster mom, noticed that kids from school would call me at home and ask advice, mostly about social situations or the pangs of falling in love. We talked about it when I was older and we just couldn't pin in down. I cannot presume to know what it is that tells a person that I am someone they can trust to hear their story. In the beginning it was disarming because I was still wary of everyone after coming out of a nightmare foster home. When I began realizing it was sincere and they weren't trying to set me up or anything sinister I found peace with it.
The phone rang often. On a couple of occasions it was a "dreamy" boy from school who was looking to ask out a certain "someone" and did I know what "she" liked or how to ask "her". Then it sometimes turned to calls needing reassurance because of a break up. I helped to advise several young men that I had my own eyes on. One married the girl and they now have 5 kids.
In the next 40 years it has been simply a way of life for me.Whether it is family life, community friends, people I've worked with or strangers I met at a garage sale, I have been blessed with hearing many stories and seeing many things that I hope have helped some one's life feel a little better than it was before. I would like to thank God for trusting this in me. I know that I could not see what I've seen, know what I know without Angels. Tonight, I am feeling so blessed.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
A Quick Mix Pkg
Bill seems to have made a final decision. No more operations concerning the defibrillator and pacemaker. The doctors and Bill have decided to keep him on antibiotics the rest of his life and hope that will be sufficient. He is feeling better than a long time but his weakness is still there. Family is going to try and keep him active, keep his spirits and make his life more eventful. He tends to let his frustration and fears a priority instead of his blessings and his family. But, I think that is normal considering all that he has gone through for some time.
Next week I have to sit with my doctor and explain to him the Zetia episode and how no others will ever have to go through what I did. I still have pain in my calves that on occasion will buckle my knee but they are now few and far between. I am aware this may never go away, but the crippling pain that kept me in tears and writhing in agony seem to be over. Andrew left a fairly large toy in my hallway. 4 weeks ago I would have had to ask someone to move it or try to slide my foot enough to move it a bit away as I could not get my foot the 4" off the ground to walk over it.
Sometimes, people should take the time to weigh the good things in their life against the bad. It truly puts things in perspective. Sure, I have quite a few afflictions, most will never ease or be cured, however I know of many who have just 1 or 2 afflictions that will end their lives in a few months or year or two, some who can no longer walk or care for themselves and a dear, sweet friend who has troubles remembering the simplest of things. An artist friend, so crippled with arthritis she can no longer even sign her name.
I still have the issues with all my digestion from the semi working epiglottis that at times has caused me to choke to near unconsciousness just by swallowing wrong while talking, or swallowing with my head straight up instead of leaning forward. The wrong foods, and wow, there are so many now that can make me ill for several days. The Crohn's disease that calls for one diet, Diabetes call for another, Gastroparesis calls for another and the cholesterol calls for yet another. My doctor has said we can only log it and go by trial and error. I fear I may never lose the 20-25# I need to when most I can eat are high in carbs and calories. Soon, the sciatic nerve will be in remission and I can get on my dear
exercise bike and slowly work up to a good length of work out.
Well, I have truly rambled thru much tonight but with the grandkids wanting computer time, by the time I get it at night, I am too tired.
Tale care. Be Happy and find Peace and Joy in something each day.
Next week I have to sit with my doctor and explain to him the Zetia episode and how no others will ever have to go through what I did. I still have pain in my calves that on occasion will buckle my knee but they are now few and far between. I am aware this may never go away, but the crippling pain that kept me in tears and writhing in agony seem to be over. Andrew left a fairly large toy in my hallway. 4 weeks ago I would have had to ask someone to move it or try to slide my foot enough to move it a bit away as I could not get my foot the 4" off the ground to walk over it.
Sometimes, people should take the time to weigh the good things in their life against the bad. It truly puts things in perspective. Sure, I have quite a few afflictions, most will never ease or be cured, however I know of many who have just 1 or 2 afflictions that will end their lives in a few months or year or two, some who can no longer walk or care for themselves and a dear, sweet friend who has troubles remembering the simplest of things. An artist friend, so crippled with arthritis she can no longer even sign her name.
I still have the issues with all my digestion from the semi working epiglottis that at times has caused me to choke to near unconsciousness just by swallowing wrong while talking, or swallowing with my head straight up instead of leaning forward. The wrong foods, and wow, there are so many now that can make me ill for several days. The Crohn's disease that calls for one diet, Diabetes call for another, Gastroparesis calls for another and the cholesterol calls for yet another. My doctor has said we can only log it and go by trial and error. I fear I may never lose the 20-25# I need to when most I can eat are high in carbs and calories. Soon, the sciatic nerve will be in remission and I can get on my dear
exercise bike and slowly work up to a good length of work out.
Well, I have truly rambled thru much tonight but with the grandkids wanting computer time, by the time I get it at night, I am too tired.
Tale care. Be Happy and find Peace and Joy in something each day.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Bill Came Home Today
A good surprise, Bill was able to come home this morning. His family is thrilled, but Bill is in the clouds loving every little thing at home, that he had taken for granted before this.
There is still some minor infection but it should clear up soon.
Then he has to make the serious decision to have defib replaced with a pacemaker. He's been warned that the operation itself could be very difficult on him, no guarantees he would survive the surgery but if he did he would have a noticeably greater and longer life ahead.
So he and his wife and kids are helping weigh the risks but ultimately it is for Bill to decide. He knows we will all support him no matter what he chooses.
There is still some minor infection but it should clear up soon.
Then he has to make the serious decision to have defib replaced with a pacemaker. He's been warned that the operation itself could be very difficult on him, no guarantees he would survive the surgery but if he did he would have a noticeably greater and longer life ahead.
So he and his wife and kids are helping weigh the risks but ultimately it is for Bill to decide. He knows we will all support him no matter what he chooses.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Bill's Update
Tomorrow, Bill is supposed to be driven from the rehab center to the hospital and get checked to see if these weeks of antibiotics have cleared up from around his heart. We are all hopeful. When he is declared all clear then the doctors will prepare to remove his bad defibrillator and replace it with a pacemaker, We know that operation will be difficult for him, his background and age.
Lots of anxiety in the family quelled with the feeling all will work out well. I will continue to keep you posted. That family truly needs their Patriarch.
Lots of anxiety in the family quelled with the feeling all will work out well. I will continue to keep you posted. That family truly needs their Patriarch.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
My Christmas Miracle
I survived the Holidays. I got the presents bought and wrapped in time without a panic attack. I was surrounded with the light of the grand kids, watching my daughter sing a beautiful Christmas Duet from the pulpit in church and lost my depression somewhere in between the good things.
It's New Year's Day and I live it full of promise and hope. After all, I had a Christmas Miracle.
My legs had been getting much worse, the pain at times was as close to unbearable as I ever want to be. I did much hidden crying and moaning, writhing in awful pain all night long. By then, my calves on each leg were worsening rapidly. I can only give this description: Imagine keeping your legs stiff and holding onto something firmly. Then imagine someone with a 2" galvanized pipe slamming it into your calves full force or the worse charlie horse you've ever had but it never eases. I got to where I could barely lift my left foot much over an inch or so off the ground. I shuffled from room to room trying not to moan out loud with each step. My days were filled with constant sitting, stirring, lying. tossing, dragging my feet.... I wish I could say I am exaggerating but I am not. There aren't enough words to fully describe it. All this was in addition to the pinched sciatic nerve which was slowly beginning to heal from the inflammation.
Then the Miracle began. It certainly didn't seem to be a Miracle but a tragedy for me. For 12 yrs I have been taking a drug called Zetia to help me with dangerously high level of Triglycerides in my blood, so high, in fact, the doctor took a large blood sample and it was sent to several large clinics back East for study. They felt I should have had a stroke or heart attack at those levels... if you know what the highs are you will still be stunned to know mine were just over 2,000 and are now down to about 450 which is still high but great news for my situation. I digress, Sorry, I tend to do that.
Zetia was always given to me through samples left with the doctor as they knew I could never afford the expensive drug and my case was so unusual. I think only once did I pay and it was apprx. $200 for a 30 day supply. Suddenly 3 weeks ago I called for my samples and heard there were none. They also said that due to the upcoming Obamacare, the Pharmaceutical Reps were no longer giving out as many samples and stopping some. Just like that. No Zetia. My natural drama had my mind racing that I would have a stroke and soon. Never miss a pill I was told all these years. I was terrified and now I can say this was a big part of my sudden depression. There is no generic or similar medication.
So the days went by, my fear continued. I looked on the Internet about Zetia. I learned you are NOT supposed to be on it for long periods of time and you are NOT supposed to suddenly stop. Great!!
12 years and a sudden stop. I felt doomed and desolate.
Two days before Christmas I heard a noise out front the house early in the morning and hopped out of bed and hurried to the window. It wasn't important. There was the newspaper waiting for me and....
and "what the heck?" I had literally "hopped" out of bed and hurried with both legs lifting and knees bending to the window. I could walk. I giggled quietly and took steps to the left, turned and walked forward and backwards like a drunk I was. Giddy. The pain was in my knee but different; this time I could turn with my knee and not pivoting on my foot. My feet lifted a foot or more,,,,
Dan walked in then. I grabbed his hand. Look. Watch this. I walked with pride from the kitchen to the window and back. He didn't say a word. I raised my legs and touched my calves which before I could not let anything touch them. What happened, he asked? It's My Miracle. It is.still My Miracle. I can rest at night; I can sit longer periods, I shop at the store without a riding cart.
I later learned on several Web sites for people with horrific pain in the calf DUE TO ZETIA. There were so many describing their pain and I cried as I read them. Someone else knew how tortuous it is and was. They all related their trials to Zetia and the relief that eventually came after weeks without it. I've also heard there may be permanent damage to my calves but to feel this much better after over 2 1/2 months of pure agony... I will settle for that.
Thanks for seeing this blog through, I know it is long. But I wanted to share My Christmas Miracle.
It's New Year's Day and I live it full of promise and hope. After all, I had a Christmas Miracle.
My legs had been getting much worse, the pain at times was as close to unbearable as I ever want to be. I did much hidden crying and moaning, writhing in awful pain all night long. By then, my calves on each leg were worsening rapidly. I can only give this description: Imagine keeping your legs stiff and holding onto something firmly. Then imagine someone with a 2" galvanized pipe slamming it into your calves full force or the worse charlie horse you've ever had but it never eases. I got to where I could barely lift my left foot much over an inch or so off the ground. I shuffled from room to room trying not to moan out loud with each step. My days were filled with constant sitting, stirring, lying. tossing, dragging my feet.... I wish I could say I am exaggerating but I am not. There aren't enough words to fully describe it. All this was in addition to the pinched sciatic nerve which was slowly beginning to heal from the inflammation.
Then the Miracle began. It certainly didn't seem to be a Miracle but a tragedy for me. For 12 yrs I have been taking a drug called Zetia to help me with dangerously high level of Triglycerides in my blood, so high, in fact, the doctor took a large blood sample and it was sent to several large clinics back East for study. They felt I should have had a stroke or heart attack at those levels... if you know what the highs are you will still be stunned to know mine were just over 2,000 and are now down to about 450 which is still high but great news for my situation. I digress, Sorry, I tend to do that.
Zetia was always given to me through samples left with the doctor as they knew I could never afford the expensive drug and my case was so unusual. I think only once did I pay and it was apprx. $200 for a 30 day supply. Suddenly 3 weeks ago I called for my samples and heard there were none. They also said that due to the upcoming Obamacare, the Pharmaceutical Reps were no longer giving out as many samples and stopping some. Just like that. No Zetia. My natural drama had my mind racing that I would have a stroke and soon. Never miss a pill I was told all these years. I was terrified and now I can say this was a big part of my sudden depression. There is no generic or similar medication.
So the days went by, my fear continued. I looked on the Internet about Zetia. I learned you are NOT supposed to be on it for long periods of time and you are NOT supposed to suddenly stop. Great!!
12 years and a sudden stop. I felt doomed and desolate.
Two days before Christmas I heard a noise out front the house early in the morning and hopped out of bed and hurried to the window. It wasn't important. There was the newspaper waiting for me and....
and "what the heck?" I had literally "hopped" out of bed and hurried with both legs lifting and knees bending to the window. I could walk. I giggled quietly and took steps to the left, turned and walked forward and backwards like a drunk I was. Giddy. The pain was in my knee but different; this time I could turn with my knee and not pivoting on my foot. My feet lifted a foot or more,,,,
Dan walked in then. I grabbed his hand. Look. Watch this. I walked with pride from the kitchen to the window and back. He didn't say a word. I raised my legs and touched my calves which before I could not let anything touch them. What happened, he asked? It's My Miracle. It is.still My Miracle. I can rest at night; I can sit longer periods, I shop at the store without a riding cart.
I later learned on several Web sites for people with horrific pain in the calf DUE TO ZETIA. There were so many describing their pain and I cried as I read them. Someone else knew how tortuous it is and was. They all related their trials to Zetia and the relief that eventually came after weeks without it. I've also heard there may be permanent damage to my calves but to feel this much better after over 2 1/2 months of pure agony... I will settle for that.
Thanks for seeing this blog through, I know it is long. But I wanted to share My Christmas Miracle.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Lingered too Long
It certainly has been an eventful week. I've tried to keep things as normal as possible around me. I am the same on Facebook, on the phone, at work and mostly at home. But moments are sneaking up on me more frequently; moments of despair and fear. Except for you I am alone in knowing this because the words don't come out. They lie inside me wanting to burst but I keep them down; I let myself linger too long on sad paths.
And now, with Christmas a week away it is time to shake myself off and get moving. I tarried too long and have gotten myself into a pickle. I am behind in everything from shopping to getting out cards. I think they will be hand delivered this year. Downstairs the family fit in a darling tree they decorated last night and it felt so good to hear the laughter and songs.
It has been a difficult year physically and I have kicked myself soundly for letting that interfere with the most blessed and wonderful time of year. Shortly before this blog I had this Epiphany, this good, strong feeling of peace. The All is Well. The Get Up and Count Your Blessings.
And that is what I plan to do.
And now, with Christmas a week away it is time to shake myself off and get moving. I tarried too long and have gotten myself into a pickle. I am behind in everything from shopping to getting out cards. I think they will be hand delivered this year. Downstairs the family fit in a darling tree they decorated last night and it felt so good to hear the laughter and songs.
It has been a difficult year physically and I have kicked myself soundly for letting that interfere with the most blessed and wonderful time of year. Shortly before this blog I had this Epiphany, this good, strong feeling of peace. The All is Well. The Get Up and Count Your Blessings.
And that is what I plan to do.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
Doilies
There are nightstands and dressers for a reason. They are meant to contain your clothing, cuffs and jewelry, doo-dads and for when-evers. They are where you leave your "stuff", the things that make up your waking and sleeping moments. My nightstand has a small jar of Vick's, a jug of water, the remote control (yes, I watch tv in bed at night), alarm clock (2- because I am paranoid) loose change and a doily underneath it all. The doily. The most important part of my nightstand. During all the ups and downs of the day, tossing and turning of the night, the doily remains. It keeps the dust off, it adds character and most of all reminds me of Grandma and Aunt Alberta.
Aunt Alberta always said there weren't enough doilies in the world. Whether they were decorated with flowers, spiraling vines, needlework or crochet, they drew you to them. It was important to keep them washed and ironed. After she passed away I was able to keep a few of hers and at the end of the day it is the last thing I see as I turn off the light.
She was right. There still aren't enough doilies in the world today.
Aunt Alberta always said there weren't enough doilies in the world. Whether they were decorated with flowers, spiraling vines, needlework or crochet, they drew you to them. It was important to keep them washed and ironed. After she passed away I was able to keep a few of hers and at the end of the day it is the last thing I see as I turn off the light.
She was right. There still aren't enough doilies in the world today.
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
Sorry Again
Sorry it has been too long but who can predict what happens next. First of all, Bill is in a good Rehab Center and from what I hear is as ornery as all get out. The food isn't right, the pills are late, etc. But it is that fiestiness of his that keeps that heart pumping. A few more weeks and they will see how the infection is doing and if he is ready for the removal of the old defibrillator and in with the new. That is a big fear. At that time, his family from Reno and Oregon will come to town to help out and offer support.
I am getting no better these past 2 weeks with the sciatic nerve and 3 disintegrating discs. Rest and heat doesn't help. A full nights sleep does; for an hour or so. Seriously, hours in bed seems to help but they say to keep up movement to avoid atrophy.
Thank you Jesus for convincing them to 2 hr. shifts. The back has been so bad Target had forgotten the whole reason I work the Express Lane is the damaged thumb joint from the on the job injury in Nov 2010. That is permament and they cannot fire me do to the injury. They are searching for ways they can find me a job that doesn't contribute to more pain and suffering. I'd like to answer phones and they are looking into a way to do that. Thank you, Target, for still treating me with respect and understanding my suffering. Except for -rat-y who has made it awful to talk to her. She said maybe I should quit, said I made her scheduling difficult, maybe I needed more time off.... said some hurtful things. So, having put up with people treating me bad most of my life I stood up and went right to the new Human Resource Lady, shut the door and started talking. I now truly have faith that work will eventually work out for me without so much pain. (-rat-ty) has earned many disgruntled workers in her first 6 months. Hopefully, she changes before she changes.... to another store.
I need to find money to buy the Dragon speak program so I can still blog, write my stories and poems without the pain in my wrists. Maybe for a combo of Christmas and Valentines Day? It's worth a try and I could definitely get a lot more writing done.
I am getting no better these past 2 weeks with the sciatic nerve and 3 disintegrating discs. Rest and heat doesn't help. A full nights sleep does; for an hour or so. Seriously, hours in bed seems to help but they say to keep up movement to avoid atrophy.
Thank you Jesus for convincing them to 2 hr. shifts. The back has been so bad Target had forgotten the whole reason I work the Express Lane is the damaged thumb joint from the on the job injury in Nov 2010. That is permament and they cannot fire me do to the injury. They are searching for ways they can find me a job that doesn't contribute to more pain and suffering. I'd like to answer phones and they are looking into a way to do that. Thank you, Target, for still treating me with respect and understanding my suffering. Except for -rat-y who has made it awful to talk to her. She said maybe I should quit, said I made her scheduling difficult, maybe I needed more time off.... said some hurtful things. So, having put up with people treating me bad most of my life I stood up and went right to the new Human Resource Lady, shut the door and started talking. I now truly have faith that work will eventually work out for me without so much pain. (-rat-ty) has earned many disgruntled workers in her first 6 months. Hopefully, she changes before she changes.... to another store.
I need to find money to buy the Dragon speak program so I can still blog, write my stories and poems without the pain in my wrists. Maybe for a combo of Christmas and Valentines Day? It's worth a try and I could definitely get a lot more writing done.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Misc
Well, they removed Bill's gallbladder yesterday; looks like that was the primary source of his infection in the heart and defibrillator so he was transferred out of the hospital into a rehab facility for the next 6 weeks for constant antibiotics and breathing sessions. At the end of that period if the infection has cleared enough then they will go ahead with the surgery to remove his defib and replace it with a pacemaker. At least that is the latest.
I lasted my 2 hours at work. Today they agreed to keep me on the 2 hours shifts which was a huge relief as I had heard the store never allows 2 hour shifts. It helped that I am on permanent disability with the hand injury that occurred there, kind of gave me leverage.
Sciatic Nerve. Two very nasty words. I would go through everything twice that I have this year to not have this. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The pain just does not stop whether you are sitting or standing and you have to lie down just so to ease the pinch. There, I've complained and feel a tad better. I've gotten much better over the past few weeks I just have to remember my lifestyle has to change a bit and what to avoid. It is good that someone has gone on before you when these things happen so they have recommendations and treatments for you.
I lasted my 2 hours at work. Today they agreed to keep me on the 2 hours shifts which was a huge relief as I had heard the store never allows 2 hour shifts. It helped that I am on permanent disability with the hand injury that occurred there, kind of gave me leverage.
Sciatic Nerve. Two very nasty words. I would go through everything twice that I have this year to not have this. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The pain just does not stop whether you are sitting or standing and you have to lie down just so to ease the pinch. There, I've complained and feel a tad better. I've gotten much better over the past few weeks I just have to remember my lifestyle has to change a bit and what to avoid. It is good that someone has gone on before you when these things happen so they have recommendations and treatments for you.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
The Sense
Melanie is getting used to this. I don't know what to call it; perhaps it has no name. For many, many years I've had the unusual experience of knowing when something very bad is about to happen to someone I know. I don't often know who it will happen to, but certain it is about to occur. It is a consuming heaviness in my heart, the sense of impending doom, the knowledge that tragedy or great sorrow is quickening. I find it hard to concentrate as my mind is dissecting everything occurring with everyone I know, quietly, but waiting, always fearful it will be one of my family or dear friends. I am not even sure when these feeling first came to me, at least 30 years ago or more.
Of course in writing this, it is looking back so I don't blame the skeptics. It was about 3 weeks ago I mentioned casually to Melanie that I was having one of those feelings of doom and loss. We both dismissed it... verbally, but mentally I knew the sensation and it is wrong a small percentage of the time.
A couple of weeks later, Bill had his severe breathing episode and fever and was rushed to the hospital where he remains until his surgery on Tuesday. (We are all praying feverishly it will go well and the infection surrounding the defibrillator will clear along with the infection in his heart enough for a safe implant of a pacemaker in 6 weeks.. 6 weeks with nothing to keep his heart beating as it should),but as lest he'll be in a facility that has folks who can take care of him in case of crisis.
Then last night a neighbor of 30+ years was sent home after 2 frightening weeks in ICU for a heart attack, but safe, successful implant of a pacemaker. He was happy and planning a trip they'd had to postpone due to the heart attack. Family all came over last night and rejoiced in the success and his quick, strong recovery and loved and hugged him with much gratitude. For whatever reason, this morning he passed away at home.
Yesterday, a close and sweet client of our for several years lost her father who we also had worked with and Dan sat with a number of times as this once brilliant, giving man would talk nonsense and make quizzical comments with laughter and Dan would laugh with him as if it all was well. A good man who loved his daughter, Tami, with his whole heart and adored her. She is lost in grief.
Please, dear Lord, let this three be the last for a long time. So much comfort is needed and as my sense of doom has lifted I beg for a lengthy reprieve.
Of course in writing this, it is looking back so I don't blame the skeptics. It was about 3 weeks ago I mentioned casually to Melanie that I was having one of those feelings of doom and loss. We both dismissed it... verbally, but mentally I knew the sensation and it is wrong a small percentage of the time.
A couple of weeks later, Bill had his severe breathing episode and fever and was rushed to the hospital where he remains until his surgery on Tuesday. (We are all praying feverishly it will go well and the infection surrounding the defibrillator will clear along with the infection in his heart enough for a safe implant of a pacemaker in 6 weeks.. 6 weeks with nothing to keep his heart beating as it should),but as lest he'll be in a facility that has folks who can take care of him in case of crisis.
Then last night a neighbor of 30+ years was sent home after 2 frightening weeks in ICU for a heart attack, but safe, successful implant of a pacemaker. He was happy and planning a trip they'd had to postpone due to the heart attack. Family all came over last night and rejoiced in the success and his quick, strong recovery and loved and hugged him with much gratitude. For whatever reason, this morning he passed away at home.
Yesterday, a close and sweet client of our for several years lost her father who we also had worked with and Dan sat with a number of times as this once brilliant, giving man would talk nonsense and make quizzical comments with laughter and Dan would laugh with him as if it all was well. A good man who loved his daughter, Tami, with his whole heart and adored her. She is lost in grief.
Please, dear Lord, let this three be the last for a long time. So much comfort is needed and as my sense of doom has lifted I beg for a lengthy reprieve.
Day of Accepting
Today was a bewildering day full of what if's and maybes peppered with should this be's. The kids are playing their various games oblivious to the plight of the elders.
This morning held lots of discussion and various scenarios. So far, Patriarch Bill has decided that on Tuesday they will remove his defibrillator. Then he will spend 6 weeks in a rehab center around people who could help him if his heart went south or stopped and they are capable of working on him. IF the infection goes away in that 6 weeks they will implant a pacemaker instead, keep him on lifetime antibiotics if the surgery goes well.
We are all buzzing. There are naysayers, hopefuls and those terrified of losing their dad. Who can know what is the right course? He no longer is active in the LDS Church and is in fact critical of the Church. He has no other religious affiliation and I fear for his bleak look into his life after death.
I pray over and over for his recovery. He doesn't seem to realize the many family member that look up to him and for him to help with his wisdom.
Please, dear Angels, whisper strong into Bill's ear and swim in his dreams; assure him of the right course of action. No matter what is, we all will be here.
This morning held lots of discussion and various scenarios. So far, Patriarch Bill has decided that on Tuesday they will remove his defibrillator. Then he will spend 6 weeks in a rehab center around people who could help him if his heart went south or stopped and they are capable of working on him. IF the infection goes away in that 6 weeks they will implant a pacemaker instead, keep him on lifetime antibiotics if the surgery goes well.
We are all buzzing. There are naysayers, hopefuls and those terrified of losing their dad. Who can know what is the right course? He no longer is active in the LDS Church and is in fact critical of the Church. He has no other religious affiliation and I fear for his bleak look into his life after death.
I pray over and over for his recovery. He doesn't seem to realize the many family member that look up to him and for him to help with his wisdom.
Please, dear Angels, whisper strong into Bill's ear and swim in his dreams; assure him of the right course of action. No matter what is, we all will be here.
Friday, November 23, 2012
After Thanksgiving Day
In an hour we are heading out for our Thanksgiving Dinner without the Patriarch Bill. He will remain hospitalized at least a couple more days. All of us will do our best to keep the atmosphere joyous for the kids but I am certain most of us will have an aching for who isn't there. Who may well not be there for another Thanksgiving.
The doctor, an hour ago, gave him and Bev an update. The heart has much infection and he said there are two choices. One: With the pic line in his neck he must go to a rehab and stay for 6 weeks (Bill couldn't stay in the hospital overnight without Bev) and then remain on antibiotics for the rest of his life which he figures to be about one year. Two: This Tuesday they could remove his defibrillator which is covered with the infection and replace it with a new one, but could not guarantee he would survive the surgery in this condition. Bill thinks there is another option. Three: He wants them to remove the device and not implant a new one believing he would have a better short term quality of life than a prolonged one with so much attached to it.
Tomorrow, Bob and his sister will go meet with them at the hospital and hopefully come up with a decision as time is of the essence. My heart goes out to all of them. He is a retired lifetime truck driver who made many difficult long hauls and experienced so many stories we love to hear. We want him to stay. We want more from him and for him.
The doctor, an hour ago, gave him and Bev an update. The heart has much infection and he said there are two choices. One: With the pic line in his neck he must go to a rehab and stay for 6 weeks (Bill couldn't stay in the hospital overnight without Bev) and then remain on antibiotics for the rest of his life which he figures to be about one year. Two: This Tuesday they could remove his defibrillator which is covered with the infection and replace it with a new one, but could not guarantee he would survive the surgery in this condition. Bill thinks there is another option. Three: He wants them to remove the device and not implant a new one believing he would have a better short term quality of life than a prolonged one with so much attached to it.
Tomorrow, Bob and his sister will go meet with them at the hospital and hopefully come up with a decision as time is of the essence. My heart goes out to all of them. He is a retired lifetime truck driver who made many difficult long hauls and experienced so many stories we love to hear. We want him to stay. We want more from him and for him.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A Day of Hope
I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving today. Hope. That is what we are expressing and feeling today as one of our loved ones was rushed to the hospital yesterday with breathing difficulties. He is 84, rigorous and full of life and political opinions.We've gone the rounds with respect and laughter. He has a pacemaker that has failed a couple of times but this time it was a fever and breathing, They admitted him and today did an ultra sound on his heart and found it infected. He will begin antibiotics, they said "for the rest of his life" which seems unusual to say and starting nebulizers (breathing treatments) every 3 hours all day today. Worries as that speeds the heart a lot. He expects to come home tomorrow but Melanie was there and is not certain it will happen.
Of course we have postponed Thanksgiving. He is the Patriarch of my daughter's in-laws. They took us under their wing when Dan and I lost his mom and dad, my dad and both foster parents within 3 years. We suddenly had no where to go and were planning a restaurant visit for that Turkey Day back in 2003 when Bev and Bill (Mel's in-laws) insisted we come over. Since then, every year we go there for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve for dinner with their entire family, each whom has welcomed us and now treats us as if we truly were. We are blessed.
We are hopeful this day. We are grateful for what we've been given. We pray for a special day of Thanksgiving this year that heals and returns Bill home.
Of course we have postponed Thanksgiving. He is the Patriarch of my daughter's in-laws. They took us under their wing when Dan and I lost his mom and dad, my dad and both foster parents within 3 years. We suddenly had no where to go and were planning a restaurant visit for that Turkey Day back in 2003 when Bev and Bill (Mel's in-laws) insisted we come over. Since then, every year we go there for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve for dinner with their entire family, each whom has welcomed us and now treats us as if we truly were. We are blessed.
We are hopeful this day. We are grateful for what we've been given. We pray for a special day of Thanksgiving this year that heals and returns Bill home.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Plan B
I am on the schedule to go back to work on the 26th of Nov for 2 1/2 hrs and on Friday for 3 hrs. I am anxious to get back but as anxious to see if I can do it. I always have a Plan B in my life, lots of Plan B's through the years.
My thumb joint from the accident at Target 2 years ago now, has been mellow as I haven't been working so I expect it to wake up and howl again but I've already been approved for a cortisone shot. As for the discs in my back, especially the L5 I am hoping a back pain patch and wrapped knee will keep me going for the shift. Wow, I sound so wretched but it's really not so bad when you look at the whole picture of life. You don't have to look far to see someone who has issues far worse and that brings a strong case of humility and "there but through the Grace of God go I" thinking.
So, Plan B.IF and I stress IF, Target will not work out no matter what I have a plan that, if it works out,will make me as much money for a couple of hours a week versus 6-9 hrs at the store. Robert, from my foster home where I stayed from 12 until I married, is in dire (DIRE) need of housework. I haven't been able to enter his home as he has 3 dogs he lets run and jump in every room and I am very allergic. My husband has been there doing plumbing work for him and has let me know how things are and the need for someone to step in. Enter Plan B.
I plan to buy a box of surgical masks and decent gloves and clean his home a couple of hours a week. I know he feels bad that most of his family doesn't come over because of the dogs and "stuff" but doesn't seem to be able to do anything. All of his children are married and one their own except for one who just keeps promising to leave but doesn't. The other son committed suicide last month and that has thrown him to even greater disarray. (My Plan B has been around since July 2010 when I was waiting to hear from Target if I was hired or not. After applying so many places I realized I drastically needed a Plan B.) We can help each other. Of course there is much more to the story and I don't want this to sound callous but there is "too much more" so I hope you understand.
It all depends on how my first day back at work goes next week. Cross your fingers for me, I enjoyed working there though the customers could be challenging. If it doesn't work, then I call Robert.. in all honesty I may be calling him about it anyway. He really needs the help.
My thumb joint from the accident at Target 2 years ago now, has been mellow as I haven't been working so I expect it to wake up and howl again but I've already been approved for a cortisone shot. As for the discs in my back, especially the L5 I am hoping a back pain patch and wrapped knee will keep me going for the shift. Wow, I sound so wretched but it's really not so bad when you look at the whole picture of life. You don't have to look far to see someone who has issues far worse and that brings a strong case of humility and "there but through the Grace of God go I" thinking.
So, Plan B.IF and I stress IF, Target will not work out no matter what I have a plan that, if it works out,will make me as much money for a couple of hours a week versus 6-9 hrs at the store. Robert, from my foster home where I stayed from 12 until I married, is in dire (DIRE) need of housework. I haven't been able to enter his home as he has 3 dogs he lets run and jump in every room and I am very allergic. My husband has been there doing plumbing work for him and has let me know how things are and the need for someone to step in. Enter Plan B.
I plan to buy a box of surgical masks and decent gloves and clean his home a couple of hours a week. I know he feels bad that most of his family doesn't come over because of the dogs and "stuff" but doesn't seem to be able to do anything. All of his children are married and one their own except for one who just keeps promising to leave but doesn't. The other son committed suicide last month and that has thrown him to even greater disarray. (My Plan B has been around since July 2010 when I was waiting to hear from Target if I was hired or not. After applying so many places I realized I drastically needed a Plan B.) We can help each other. Of course there is much more to the story and I don't want this to sound callous but there is "too much more" so I hope you understand.
It all depends on how my first day back at work goes next week. Cross your fingers for me, I enjoyed working there though the customers could be challenging. If it doesn't work, then I call Robert.. in all honesty I may be calling him about it anyway. He really needs the help.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Pushing Forward
The Election has come and gone. There were so many things I wanted to say but none of it was different from everyone else's rhetoric. They looked empty up there on the page so I never hit the publish button. You can thank me later.
Just when you can't imagine finances getting much worse they are trying to raise the income taxes and now, in Utah, they are trying to increase the food tax. Politicians consider it just a little here and there; they don't seem to get it. We've already cut here and there so many times we are out of heres and theres to take from. One would never have thought in all the roads and by-ways of life you would end up without enough to comfortably sit back and just wander and enjoy the scenery.
I wish we had made different choices earlier but we had no one to give us advise and direction in our early adulthood; and surviving Vietnam we just wanted to create a basic life and live it the best we could. You never anticipate that circumstances will occur that stop you in your tracks, that take away what you had and diminishes what you can achieve.
The most important thing we have never lost is our optimism; smiling through the tears; pushing forward against all odds.
Just when you can't imagine finances getting much worse they are trying to raise the income taxes and now, in Utah, they are trying to increase the food tax. Politicians consider it just a little here and there; they don't seem to get it. We've already cut here and there so many times we are out of heres and theres to take from. One would never have thought in all the roads and by-ways of life you would end up without enough to comfortably sit back and just wander and enjoy the scenery.
I wish we had made different choices earlier but we had no one to give us advise and direction in our early adulthood; and surviving Vietnam we just wanted to create a basic life and live it the best we could. You never anticipate that circumstances will occur that stop you in your tracks, that take away what you had and diminishes what you can achieve.
The most important thing we have never lost is our optimism; smiling through the tears; pushing forward against all odds.
Monday, November 05, 2012
Come and Gone
I can't believe Halloween has come and gone. Today my phone has been ringing like crazy, either for a pre-recorded political agenda or that I've won a vacation. So far, 2 vacations and 3 candidates and one for free diabetic supplies for a small "fee". Ok. I should state these calls were within 45 min. It has been quiet for an hour.
Well, I can't put it off any longer. The MRI results have to be dealt with by the specialists. I was hoping things would heal with care but they've only mellowed a bit. However, mellowed a bit enough that I am going to go back to work in a couple of weeks but this time for a 2 hour shift 3 times a week, if they agree. It's the last hour that was hardest even before the sciatic nerve episode. I look at it, and hope they will, that I'd be working for 3 days of the lunch hour rather than the twice a week. I feel confident I can do the 2 hours much easier.
Hoping to get my husband up to the Veteran's Administration this week so he can apply for his benefits. His knees are shot and his right arm which has had 2 surgeries to repair torn muscles is causing him trouble when working. All the fun things that come with a very physical job is catching up with him. Once benefits kick in we can cut our Hospital insurance in half. We pay $750 a month for hospital only; no office co-pays, no prescriptions, no therapy etc. Now, with work so slow we could sure use the extra savings.
I have been in a depressed state and apologize I haven't kept up with the blogs. It is hard when you can't sit for long, or see the screen well and it was getting me down. It is still as difficult but I am over the mental hurdle for now. Life is brighter and without the kids living here it might still be a little gloomy. Laughter and the sounds of life bustling around you is such a lift.
Well, I can't put it off any longer. The MRI results have to be dealt with by the specialists. I was hoping things would heal with care but they've only mellowed a bit. However, mellowed a bit enough that I am going to go back to work in a couple of weeks but this time for a 2 hour shift 3 times a week, if they agree. It's the last hour that was hardest even before the sciatic nerve episode. I look at it, and hope they will, that I'd be working for 3 days of the lunch hour rather than the twice a week. I feel confident I can do the 2 hours much easier.
Hoping to get my husband up to the Veteran's Administration this week so he can apply for his benefits. His knees are shot and his right arm which has had 2 surgeries to repair torn muscles is causing him trouble when working. All the fun things that come with a very physical job is catching up with him. Once benefits kick in we can cut our Hospital insurance in half. We pay $750 a month for hospital only; no office co-pays, no prescriptions, no therapy etc. Now, with work so slow we could sure use the extra savings.
I have been in a depressed state and apologize I haven't kept up with the blogs. It is hard when you can't sit for long, or see the screen well and it was getting me down. It is still as difficult but I am over the mental hurdle for now. Life is brighter and without the kids living here it might still be a little gloomy. Laughter and the sounds of life bustling around you is such a lift.
Monday, October 29, 2012
HALLYWEEN
Hallyween
by Kathy Thayne Herman @copyright 10-28-2012
Marsha, blond hair flying with tear- filled blue eyes, stomped her foot and swung around to face the mirror.
"I will surely die."
"You will not die," Janey spoke sternly as she pulled her long, unkempt brown hair into a ponytail . "Stop saying that, you know it isn't true."
"It is, it is true."
"Marsha Jo, you stop it this instant!" Janey stood, and smiling, stomped her foot beside her dearest friend. "You will not die. I am moving, but not so far away we can't still get together on sleepovers. "
Marsha took a deep breath to gather herself. She brushed the curls away on her forehead before she turned to her friend . " We swore to be best friends forever, to never be apart. We SWORE!"
Janey took her hands into hers and pulled her back to the pink flowered bed. "I know we did, and we will be best friends forever. I promise... look, I cross my heart, promise and hope to die we will always be best friends. But you know daddy has to take this job, since getting laid off. Uncle Fred hired him to work in the hardware store for more than enough money to pay our bills. Marsha, we can't stay here any more."
With that, brave Janey covered her face and broke into sobs. Arms wrapped tight around each other they both cried and declared their love, devotion and pact to be best friends forever.
*****
It was now early October as they walked to the corner drugstore, laughing and planning for Halloween costumes and candy. Next year they would each be in a separate middle school, a whole new world of students and classes.
They left their worries at the door as they walked into Key's Rexall and gazed at the wondrous Halloween costumes, candies, decorations and jewelry. They would spend nearly two hours deciding, laughing and giggling like the school girls they were. They walked up to the register, each with an armful of supplies and paid the patient cashier in collective quarters and dollars from chores. As they turned to leave Marsha's eye caught an orange and white wrist band in a clearance bin. "Hallyween" was inscribed. 50 cents. "Why so cheap, Mr. Dunn?"
"Oh, I ordered them online to sell but they misspelled Halloween so I am just trying to get rid of them. Haven't sold a one." He looked down his nose through his reading glasses and said, "If you're interested you can two for a quarter."
"Total?" Janey was thrilled. "You do mean a quarter for both, right?" "Yes, yes..oh, just take them. You two are peas in a pod. Now skidaddle, don't want anyone else hearing I went soft for a moment." He scoffed but they knew he was smiling the minute they left the store.
Nearly skipping down the street, Marsha stopped abruptly, "You realize the importance of this, don't you?" "Hahahaha", laughed Janey. "You mean that my true name is Halley Jane Burton?" Halleyween!! They laughed the rest of their way home... Halley- Ween, it was priceless. "Put yours away, Marsha, we'll give them to each other on Halloween. How perfect!"
*****
School was rowdy the last week of October. Miss Brinton blamed it on the early winter forcing it's way in with gusts and dirt devils, howling in the trees and yellow brown leaves skipping and dancing along the streets and round the corners. Jeremy Jones, the loud, nasal scholar of the class noted the wispy clouds swimming around the moon meant the dead was preparing to fill the night air swooping in and around the clouds landing behind the trees.
But none of the events were calming Marsha's ever increasing sadness. Each passing moment brought her closer to losing Janey. Her family had to be moved out by Nov. 1st.
*****
Marsha began writing a small journal, in secret, for Janey. The cover was of butterflies, her favorite. She wrote reminding Janey of their lives together. The fall in the creek still wearing their Sunday dress, their special picnics at Harvard's Pond, the time little Tim Weeks got stuck in the mud and squealed til they pulled him out, all the happy times, the memories. She put the journal in her top dresser, now finished, to give her on their last time together for a while, Halloween.
*****
Halloween night came none too soon. The friends hadn't seen each other in a couple of days as Janey's family was furiously packing to get everything done and ready for the big move on Nov.1. Janey was packing all her treasures and memories of her best friend but kept their Hallyween bracelet to the side for their special night. The move may be sad but going out trick or treating for one last time was going to be awesome.
"Janey!" "Yes, mom!" "Come on down now, we have everything ready for the biggest trip. Bring everything you can to squeeze into the rental truck. We've only got Uncle Joel's pick up for tomorrow so we need to fill it up tight tonight."
"Okay, just leaving out my things for tonight with Marsha." Janey sat on the floor in the nearly empty room and raced around some of their favorite memories of so many sleep overs. BBF's really are forever. She looked at the bracelet for tonight and gave it a kiss before setting it on her trick or treating bag for that night. It would be a special night, indeed.
*****
It was 5:40 p.m. and the sun was setting. As she watched out the window waiting for Janey's parents to drop her off, Marsha thought she would burst. The night would be perfect. costumes - check. Candy bag - check. Flashlight - check. bracelet - check. Old enough to go out alone for their last Halloween excursion excitement was extra high. First night out alone, last night out as BFF's in their hometown. But also first night out for their new future....
*****
The family was loaded into the car but mom was having her worries. She always seemed to have them no matter how well everything was planned out. It usually ruffled Marsha but tonight was different... anything to please Mom and get them off to their party with young Tyson so she and Janey could for once go off on their own and celebrate their last night untethered.
She was nearly 20 minutes late before the knock on the door. Marsha brushed off the thought that Janey had come to the front door completely unseen. Must has zoned off, she thought. A stumble to the door and gasp in surprise. There stood Janey so perfectly dressed in her Gothic costume. Black dress belted in black leather and black fish net nylons ; save for the white shadow above her eyes she was the ultimate Goth. Marsha felt a little under dressed in her nurse outfit. In her hand she had a very large syringe filled with red food coloring and a doctor's bag with a hand sticking out. They hugged and laughed as they looked each other over. It was their perfect night.
As with most Halloweens the air was chilly, a slight breeze creating a light howl as it blew around and through the large tree branches. Fallen leaves danced and frolicked along the streets and a cool foggy mist rose from the streets and floated high and low licking your toes to chilling your cheeks. They huddled close as they stepped onto the sidewalk and began their journey through the neighborhood.
They stopped at Ms. Vanessa's house first. She lived alone and seemed not to enjoy giving out candy at all but she always did. A knock on the door brought it open slightly. Two hands and half a face peeked around the corner as she handed a single bar to Marsha. As she went to shut to door Marsha spoke up, "But don't forget...." "Oh, getting greedy are we?" Ms Vanessa smirked and dropped a 2nd bar into Marsha's bag then slammed the door shut.
What was that about? She handed Janey the bar and on they went passing other friends and ghouls along the way. There was so much noise and laughter in the air. Everything was going perfect. Mrs. Hansen, quiet old lady who never stopped smiling and waving to all the children to and from school was especially generous on Halloween and once again it was Marsha who got the large handful of candy to share with Janey.
"Are you having fun, Janey?"
"Of course I am, silly. This is our time. Wait, before we forget. Let's exchange our bracelets. They sat on the grass and each pulled out their bracelets mistakenly printed Hallyween and switched one with another. Marsha had written on the inside: "BFF's Forever. Love Marsha." Janey had written "BFF's FOREVER! Your Janey." The two sat up and hugged. There was no sorrow tonight.
As they approached Mrs. Hamilton's, Marsha urged Janey to be the one to ring the doorbell but she stepped back suddenly and shook her head. "No, you, Marsha. You know her better than I do." "Janey, come on, I am doing all the ringing and you look so cute." But it was clear that Janey was more content to stand behind and watch the fun. Before she could even ring the doorbell, Mrs. Hamilton opened the door and looked around."Not as many youngsters out tonight. Should you be out alone, Marsha?"
She laughed at Mrs. Hamilton's joking and said, "Now Mrs. Hamilton you know mom would never let me out alone and Janey is right here with me." "I don't see her." Curious, Marsha turned and saw Janey was indeed out of sight. "Well, here is some extra for your imaginary friend." She smiled and said, ""Really, Marsha.. you shouldn't be out alone."
Hopping off the porch and looking to the side of the house, Marsha jumped and gasped when Janey showed up straight behind her. "Don't do that to me! I nearly died!"
Janey laughed,"You did no such thing! You are always talking about dying. Why? It's not so scary. You just keep living but in a different way." "A different way? One day, you will have to explain that better but not tonight. It is getting late and your parents will be coming to pick you up." Together they ran down the hill and into the final cul-de-sac for the last of the nights candy pickings. Tomorrow was far from their thoughts as they giggled and skipped to each house.
*****
The walk back home was slow and laughter wound down. The wind had died, the leaves laid rested in the street; even the howling trees had slowed to a gentle whir. They both sat down at the gate out front Marsha's house, looked at their candy and then their bracelets. "I shall wear mine forever," Janey spoke seriously. "Me, too, Janey. It's proof we are BFF.s and nothing will keep us apart. Nothing." Janey's face saddened for a moment, then smiled, "No matter what, Marsha. No matter what anyone says. Life goes on forever and nothing will keep us apart." They both hugged, cried, laughed and hugged tighter as they suddenly saw Janey's parents waiting for her in their van.
" I will call you, " Marsha yelled, " We will make plans right away."
"Yes!" Janey yelled, "Best Friends Forever."
With that she jumped into the van and with nary a sound they drove off and seemed out of sight unusually fast.
*****
Marsha barely grabbed hold of the front door handle when it pulled open abruptly and a hand pulled her inside.
Thank God, you are all right!" Her mom pulled her a little too tight to her chest with tears streaming down her face. "We have been frantic with worry. Where have you been?" She pushed Marsha back and looked seriously into her face. "Where, Marsha?"
Bewildered by her mom's behavior and their obvious misled concern she tried to react calmly and spoke quietly. "Why, mom, I was just out with Janey trick or treating. We didn't....."
"Stop it, Marsha!. We know that isn't true. You must tell us what happened! "
"Mom, you are scaring me now. I didn't do anything wrong. Janey was a little late but we went out where we said we would and came home." Why is everyone so upset? Up until now. I had my best Halloween ever. Mom, why are you crying?"
"Dad", he turned to her with reddened eyes she knew had been crying as well. "Sweetie," he said choking on his emotion. "Your mom and I have been very worried about you. We came home early after hearing the news and wanted to be here with you." He began to walk closer to her.
"The news?" Her bewilderment was turning to fear. She started backing away until she reached to front room window. "What news? What is wrong with everyone?" She could feel herself on the verge of hysteria. "Some one tell me. NOW!"
*******
Her mom took her hands still holding the bag and pulled her down onto the couch. "We know you weren't out with Janey tonight, sweetheart."
"But I was, I truly was!"
"Honey, we came straight home when we heard the news to be here for you and when you weren't here we went out of our minds looking."
"Mom, we just went around the neighborhood like we told you. I''m sorry you were so worried, but we were careful, got lots of candy and had a wonderful time. We sat out front for a few minutes laughing, you must have seen us."
Marsha, stop it right now! You were not out with Janey. You couldn't have been!"
"But, mom.."
"You couldn't have been! Janey is dead." Her mom gasped in a sob and covered her mouth shaking.
"Don't you EVER say that to me! How could you say that? We went to Mrs. Hansen's, Miss Hamilton's and Ms. Vanessa's and all the others... they will tell you."
Her dad knelt down in front of her, his eyes looking deep into hers. She had never seen him so intense and troubled. "Marsha, we called them and they were all positive they only saw you and no one else. Mrs. Hamilton said she told you that you shouldn't be out alone."
Marsha dropped her bag to the floor and covered her face in sobs. Nothing made sense.
Her dad sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulder as if it could protect her from what he was about to say. "Marsha, we got a call not long after we reached Tyson's party. It was from Janey's Uncle Fred." He paused and closed his eyes for a moment as if summoning all the courage he had.
"Late this afternoon as they were driving their rental truck to their new home there was a terrible accident. A large 18 wheeler crossed the center line and Janey, her mom and dad were killed instantly."
Before he could say another word she pushed him away and jumped up screaming, "No!" "It's impossible, I was with her all night. We laughed and went everywhere...No! You need to call them. There is a mix-up." Mom?" Her mom raised her face to Marsha's and the sight was one of unspeakable sadness.
******
Despite their protests, Marsha grabbed her bag and ran up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut behind her. There she fell to the ground against the door shaking her head back and forth trying to reason everything she just heard. Rocking back and forth, she kept murmuring. "No... No... Janey, what is happening? Come to me, Janey, show them you are alive." Janey! Help me!"
The noise downstairs grew more quiet; their crying turned to whispers. For a long time she sat in the darkness looking at the moonlight through the window. The moon was full and lighting her dresser brightly. She wiped her swollen eyes and slowly stood up looking at the drawer where she had left the journal. As she put her shaking hand on the drawer she remembered with great sadness that she had forgotten to take the special journal she made for Janey as a surprise gift . Carefully, she opened the drawer and reached in, but the journal was gone.
Just a brief moment later she saw a shadow in the mirror and turned to see the image of Janey, smiling and holding the journal in her right hand and on her left hand she held up the Hallyween bracelet from Marsha. BFF Forever. Quickly the image faded and Marsha shook herself off and ran downstairs.
Finding her mom and dad, with tears running down her cheeks, she held up her bracelet from Janey... "BFF'S FOREVER! Your Janey." 'She took the journal from my dresser! She truly was with me tonight. She tried to tell me and she was right, Life does go on and she is still with me. We truly are Best Friends Forever!
THE END
by Kathy Thayne Herman @copyright 10-28-2012
Marsha, blond hair flying with tear- filled blue eyes, stomped her foot and swung around to face the mirror.
"I will surely die."
"You will not die," Janey spoke sternly as she pulled her long, unkempt brown hair into a ponytail . "Stop saying that, you know it isn't true."
"It is, it is true."
"Marsha Jo, you stop it this instant!" Janey stood, and smiling, stomped her foot beside her dearest friend. "You will not die. I am moving, but not so far away we can't still get together on sleepovers. "
Marsha took a deep breath to gather herself. She brushed the curls away on her forehead before she turned to her friend . " We swore to be best friends forever, to never be apart. We SWORE!"
Janey took her hands into hers and pulled her back to the pink flowered bed. "I know we did, and we will be best friends forever. I promise... look, I cross my heart, promise and hope to die we will always be best friends. But you know daddy has to take this job, since getting laid off. Uncle Fred hired him to work in the hardware store for more than enough money to pay our bills. Marsha, we can't stay here any more."
With that, brave Janey covered her face and broke into sobs. Arms wrapped tight around each other they both cried and declared their love, devotion and pact to be best friends forever.
*****
It was now early October as they walked to the corner drugstore, laughing and planning for Halloween costumes and candy. Next year they would each be in a separate middle school, a whole new world of students and classes.
They left their worries at the door as they walked into Key's Rexall and gazed at the wondrous Halloween costumes, candies, decorations and jewelry. They would spend nearly two hours deciding, laughing and giggling like the school girls they were. They walked up to the register, each with an armful of supplies and paid the patient cashier in collective quarters and dollars from chores. As they turned to leave Marsha's eye caught an orange and white wrist band in a clearance bin. "Hallyween" was inscribed. 50 cents. "Why so cheap, Mr. Dunn?"
"Oh, I ordered them online to sell but they misspelled Halloween so I am just trying to get rid of them. Haven't sold a one." He looked down his nose through his reading glasses and said, "If you're interested you can two for a quarter."
"Total?" Janey was thrilled. "You do mean a quarter for both, right?" "Yes, yes..oh, just take them. You two are peas in a pod. Now skidaddle, don't want anyone else hearing I went soft for a moment." He scoffed but they knew he was smiling the minute they left the store.
Nearly skipping down the street, Marsha stopped abruptly, "You realize the importance of this, don't you?" "Hahahaha", laughed Janey. "You mean that my true name is Halley Jane Burton?" Halleyween!! They laughed the rest of their way home... Halley- Ween, it was priceless. "Put yours away, Marsha, we'll give them to each other on Halloween. How perfect!"
*****
School was rowdy the last week of October. Miss Brinton blamed it on the early winter forcing it's way in with gusts and dirt devils, howling in the trees and yellow brown leaves skipping and dancing along the streets and round the corners. Jeremy Jones, the loud, nasal scholar of the class noted the wispy clouds swimming around the moon meant the dead was preparing to fill the night air swooping in and around the clouds landing behind the trees.
But none of the events were calming Marsha's ever increasing sadness. Each passing moment brought her closer to losing Janey. Her family had to be moved out by Nov. 1st.
*****
Marsha began writing a small journal, in secret, for Janey. The cover was of butterflies, her favorite. She wrote reminding Janey of their lives together. The fall in the creek still wearing their Sunday dress, their special picnics at Harvard's Pond, the time little Tim Weeks got stuck in the mud and squealed til they pulled him out, all the happy times, the memories. She put the journal in her top dresser, now finished, to give her on their last time together for a while, Halloween.
*****
Halloween night came none too soon. The friends hadn't seen each other in a couple of days as Janey's family was furiously packing to get everything done and ready for the big move on Nov.1. Janey was packing all her treasures and memories of her best friend but kept their Hallyween bracelet to the side for their special night. The move may be sad but going out trick or treating for one last time was going to be awesome.
"Janey!" "Yes, mom!" "Come on down now, we have everything ready for the biggest trip. Bring everything you can to squeeze into the rental truck. We've only got Uncle Joel's pick up for tomorrow so we need to fill it up tight tonight."
"Okay, just leaving out my things for tonight with Marsha." Janey sat on the floor in the nearly empty room and raced around some of their favorite memories of so many sleep overs. BBF's really are forever. She looked at the bracelet for tonight and gave it a kiss before setting it on her trick or treating bag for that night. It would be a special night, indeed.
*****
It was 5:40 p.m. and the sun was setting. As she watched out the window waiting for Janey's parents to drop her off, Marsha thought she would burst. The night would be perfect. costumes - check. Candy bag - check. Flashlight - check. bracelet - check. Old enough to go out alone for their last Halloween excursion excitement was extra high. First night out alone, last night out as BFF's in their hometown. But also first night out for their new future....
*****
The family was loaded into the car but mom was having her worries. She always seemed to have them no matter how well everything was planned out. It usually ruffled Marsha but tonight was different... anything to please Mom and get them off to their party with young Tyson so she and Janey could for once go off on their own and celebrate their last night untethered.
She was nearly 20 minutes late before the knock on the door. Marsha brushed off the thought that Janey had come to the front door completely unseen. Must has zoned off, she thought. A stumble to the door and gasp in surprise. There stood Janey so perfectly dressed in her Gothic costume. Black dress belted in black leather and black fish net nylons ; save for the white shadow above her eyes she was the ultimate Goth. Marsha felt a little under dressed in her nurse outfit. In her hand she had a very large syringe filled with red food coloring and a doctor's bag with a hand sticking out. They hugged and laughed as they looked each other over. It was their perfect night.
As with most Halloweens the air was chilly, a slight breeze creating a light howl as it blew around and through the large tree branches. Fallen leaves danced and frolicked along the streets and a cool foggy mist rose from the streets and floated high and low licking your toes to chilling your cheeks. They huddled close as they stepped onto the sidewalk and began their journey through the neighborhood.
They stopped at Ms. Vanessa's house first. She lived alone and seemed not to enjoy giving out candy at all but she always did. A knock on the door brought it open slightly. Two hands and half a face peeked around the corner as she handed a single bar to Marsha. As she went to shut to door Marsha spoke up, "But don't forget...." "Oh, getting greedy are we?" Ms Vanessa smirked and dropped a 2nd bar into Marsha's bag then slammed the door shut.
What was that about? She handed Janey the bar and on they went passing other friends and ghouls along the way. There was so much noise and laughter in the air. Everything was going perfect. Mrs. Hansen, quiet old lady who never stopped smiling and waving to all the children to and from school was especially generous on Halloween and once again it was Marsha who got the large handful of candy to share with Janey.
"Are you having fun, Janey?"
"Of course I am, silly. This is our time. Wait, before we forget. Let's exchange our bracelets. They sat on the grass and each pulled out their bracelets mistakenly printed Hallyween and switched one with another. Marsha had written on the inside: "BFF's Forever. Love Marsha." Janey had written "BFF's FOREVER! Your Janey." The two sat up and hugged. There was no sorrow tonight.
As they approached Mrs. Hamilton's, Marsha urged Janey to be the one to ring the doorbell but she stepped back suddenly and shook her head. "No, you, Marsha. You know her better than I do." "Janey, come on, I am doing all the ringing and you look so cute." But it was clear that Janey was more content to stand behind and watch the fun. Before she could even ring the doorbell, Mrs. Hamilton opened the door and looked around."Not as many youngsters out tonight. Should you be out alone, Marsha?"
She laughed at Mrs. Hamilton's joking and said, "Now Mrs. Hamilton you know mom would never let me out alone and Janey is right here with me." "I don't see her." Curious, Marsha turned and saw Janey was indeed out of sight. "Well, here is some extra for your imaginary friend." She smiled and said, ""Really, Marsha.. you shouldn't be out alone."
Hopping off the porch and looking to the side of the house, Marsha jumped and gasped when Janey showed up straight behind her. "Don't do that to me! I nearly died!"
Janey laughed,"You did no such thing! You are always talking about dying. Why? It's not so scary. You just keep living but in a different way." "A different way? One day, you will have to explain that better but not tonight. It is getting late and your parents will be coming to pick you up." Together they ran down the hill and into the final cul-de-sac for the last of the nights candy pickings. Tomorrow was far from their thoughts as they giggled and skipped to each house.
*****
The walk back home was slow and laughter wound down. The wind had died, the leaves laid rested in the street; even the howling trees had slowed to a gentle whir. They both sat down at the gate out front Marsha's house, looked at their candy and then their bracelets. "I shall wear mine forever," Janey spoke seriously. "Me, too, Janey. It's proof we are BFF.s and nothing will keep us apart. Nothing." Janey's face saddened for a moment, then smiled, "No matter what, Marsha. No matter what anyone says. Life goes on forever and nothing will keep us apart." They both hugged, cried, laughed and hugged tighter as they suddenly saw Janey's parents waiting for her in their van.
" I will call you, " Marsha yelled, " We will make plans right away."
"Yes!" Janey yelled, "Best Friends Forever."
With that she jumped into the van and with nary a sound they drove off and seemed out of sight unusually fast.
*****
Marsha barely grabbed hold of the front door handle when it pulled open abruptly and a hand pulled her inside.
Thank God, you are all right!" Her mom pulled her a little too tight to her chest with tears streaming down her face. "We have been frantic with worry. Where have you been?" She pushed Marsha back and looked seriously into her face. "Where, Marsha?"
Bewildered by her mom's behavior and their obvious misled concern she tried to react calmly and spoke quietly. "Why, mom, I was just out with Janey trick or treating. We didn't....."
"Stop it, Marsha!. We know that isn't true. You must tell us what happened! "
"Mom, you are scaring me now. I didn't do anything wrong. Janey was a little late but we went out where we said we would and came home." Why is everyone so upset? Up until now. I had my best Halloween ever. Mom, why are you crying?"
"Dad", he turned to her with reddened eyes she knew had been crying as well. "Sweetie," he said choking on his emotion. "Your mom and I have been very worried about you. We came home early after hearing the news and wanted to be here with you." He began to walk closer to her.
"The news?" Her bewilderment was turning to fear. She started backing away until she reached to front room window. "What news? What is wrong with everyone?" She could feel herself on the verge of hysteria. "Some one tell me. NOW!"
*******
Her mom took her hands still holding the bag and pulled her down onto the couch. "We know you weren't out with Janey tonight, sweetheart."
"But I was, I truly was!"
"Honey, we came straight home when we heard the news to be here for you and when you weren't here we went out of our minds looking."
"Mom, we just went around the neighborhood like we told you. I''m sorry you were so worried, but we were careful, got lots of candy and had a wonderful time. We sat out front for a few minutes laughing, you must have seen us."
Marsha, stop it right now! You were not out with Janey. You couldn't have been!"
"But, mom.."
"You couldn't have been! Janey is dead." Her mom gasped in a sob and covered her mouth shaking.
"Don't you EVER say that to me! How could you say that? We went to Mrs. Hansen's, Miss Hamilton's and Ms. Vanessa's and all the others... they will tell you."
Her dad knelt down in front of her, his eyes looking deep into hers. She had never seen him so intense and troubled. "Marsha, we called them and they were all positive they only saw you and no one else. Mrs. Hamilton said she told you that you shouldn't be out alone."
Marsha dropped her bag to the floor and covered her face in sobs. Nothing made sense.
Her dad sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulder as if it could protect her from what he was about to say. "Marsha, we got a call not long after we reached Tyson's party. It was from Janey's Uncle Fred." He paused and closed his eyes for a moment as if summoning all the courage he had.
"Late this afternoon as they were driving their rental truck to their new home there was a terrible accident. A large 18 wheeler crossed the center line and Janey, her mom and dad were killed instantly."
Before he could say another word she pushed him away and jumped up screaming, "No!" "It's impossible, I was with her all night. We laughed and went everywhere...No! You need to call them. There is a mix-up." Mom?" Her mom raised her face to Marsha's and the sight was one of unspeakable sadness.
******
Despite their protests, Marsha grabbed her bag and ran up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut behind her. There she fell to the ground against the door shaking her head back and forth trying to reason everything she just heard. Rocking back and forth, she kept murmuring. "No... No... Janey, what is happening? Come to me, Janey, show them you are alive." Janey! Help me!"
The noise downstairs grew more quiet; their crying turned to whispers. For a long time she sat in the darkness looking at the moonlight through the window. The moon was full and lighting her dresser brightly. She wiped her swollen eyes and slowly stood up looking at the drawer where she had left the journal. As she put her shaking hand on the drawer she remembered with great sadness that she had forgotten to take the special journal she made for Janey as a surprise gift . Carefully, she opened the drawer and reached in, but the journal was gone.
Just a brief moment later she saw a shadow in the mirror and turned to see the image of Janey, smiling and holding the journal in her right hand and on her left hand she held up the Hallyween bracelet from Marsha. BFF Forever. Quickly the image faded and Marsha shook herself off and ran downstairs.
Finding her mom and dad, with tears running down her cheeks, she held up her bracelet from Janey... "BFF'S FOREVER! Your Janey." 'She took the journal from my dresser! She truly was with me tonight. She tried to tell me and she was right, Life does go on and she is still with me. We truly are Best Friends Forever!
THE END
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Funny how time travels when..
You're in pain.. as close to 24/7 as you can get. You get up later in the morning to keep your leg still and by the time you get up you must rush to get done what little you can. It just takes much longer because you can barely walk, push a cart and talk at the same time. We try to laugh about it as much as we can; it is true that laughter is the best medicine.
We caught 4 little scoundrel mice today. Melanie caught 2 downstairs and I got 2 in the kitchen. They were all so small I think we have a mom hanging around. Bella knows her habit of catching them outside and bringing them in but seems the least bit inclined to catch any that have made their way into the house on their own.
I am hurting too much to write what I wanted. Will try again tomorrow. Thanks for being there.
We caught 4 little scoundrel mice today. Melanie caught 2 downstairs and I got 2 in the kitchen. They were all so small I think we have a mom hanging around. Bella knows her habit of catching them outside and bringing them in but seems the least bit inclined to catch any that have made their way into the house on their own.
I am hurting too much to write what I wanted. Will try again tomorrow. Thanks for being there.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The Keystone Kops
Everyone made me a promise. I would get to sleep in no matter what. Kids would tip-toe even.
But I realized early on with the bangs, footsteps up and down and up and down, back door slamming every 5 minutes, drawers opening and closing that this was no usual morning and sleeping in was going to be made up another day.
First off, Dan misplaced his wallet. The last time he did I thought he would go into shock and need therapy. We found it sideways and skewered in between metal bars in his car that he had searched at least 7-8 times. The only time he lost it before that was in the 80's and I found it quite unexpectedly in the freezer. To this day, he denies he put it there but we did not have a resident ghost then so the buck stops with him.
Today, Dan me and my son-in-law, Bob searched everywhere over and over again. I maintained it had to be somewhere between coming home from work and changing clothes but, no, they checked many times and it was not there. The poor car must have felt violated they searched it so intensely. I begged them to make one last SLOW search of yesterday's clothes change. BINGO! The wallet had been right in plain sight the whole time but lying against a piece of wood close in color.
Moments later I heard a muffled voice, "Kathy? Kathy" A little help. Kathy?" Of course I was in the bathroom - that is when the doorbell rings, the phone rings and people yell, "Kathy?" I rushed out yelling, "Yes. What?" "Kathy, can you help me?" I look out the kitchen door to the porch and there is poor Bob holding his hands unable to open the door as he is BLEEDING PROFUSELY all over the place. I open the door and to the kitchen sink and eventually get the finger, sliced while cutting a wire towards him instead of away (lesson learned) cleaned, wrapped and taped. Being a typical male the thought of getting it stitched was out of the question as he couldn't see the bone so would be fine.
And that, my friends, was all before 10:00 a.m. The rest of the day was peppered with gotcha and what the heck moments but hey, we knew early on it was going to go that way.
Everyone is now in bed but me. I just think the day needed to be documented before I prepared for another one. Some people consider these things as bad luck; we make it a point to consider these things as adventures in life. Today was full of adventures and we all survived.
But I realized early on with the bangs, footsteps up and down and up and down, back door slamming every 5 minutes, drawers opening and closing that this was no usual morning and sleeping in was going to be made up another day.
First off, Dan misplaced his wallet. The last time he did I thought he would go into shock and need therapy. We found it sideways and skewered in between metal bars in his car that he had searched at least 7-8 times. The only time he lost it before that was in the 80's and I found it quite unexpectedly in the freezer. To this day, he denies he put it there but we did not have a resident ghost then so the buck stops with him.
Today, Dan me and my son-in-law, Bob searched everywhere over and over again. I maintained it had to be somewhere between coming home from work and changing clothes but, no, they checked many times and it was not there. The poor car must have felt violated they searched it so intensely. I begged them to make one last SLOW search of yesterday's clothes change. BINGO! The wallet had been right in plain sight the whole time but lying against a piece of wood close in color.
Moments later I heard a muffled voice, "Kathy? Kathy" A little help. Kathy?" Of course I was in the bathroom - that is when the doorbell rings, the phone rings and people yell, "Kathy?" I rushed out yelling, "Yes. What?" "Kathy, can you help me?" I look out the kitchen door to the porch and there is poor Bob holding his hands unable to open the door as he is BLEEDING PROFUSELY all over the place. I open the door and to the kitchen sink and eventually get the finger, sliced while cutting a wire towards him instead of away (lesson learned) cleaned, wrapped and taped. Being a typical male the thought of getting it stitched was out of the question as he couldn't see the bone so would be fine.
And that, my friends, was all before 10:00 a.m. The rest of the day was peppered with gotcha and what the heck moments but hey, we knew early on it was going to go that way.
Everyone is now in bed but me. I just think the day needed to be documented before I prepared for another one. Some people consider these things as bad luck; we make it a point to consider these things as adventures in life. Today was full of adventures and we all survived.
Monday, October 15, 2012
10-15-2012
This is the first time I've been able to just sit down to write. Things have been hectic. Dan is having a bad gout flare up in his entire right foot and has been unable to work the last 3 days, I am still hobbling but the grand kids have kept us laughing. Even a short trip to the grocery store takes me twice the time. I don't know if I am learning to be more patient or accepting the fact I don't have a choice right now and whining isn't good for anyone.
I got the call today. I have significant disc degeneration in 5 places. The L4 and L5 are the worst. It showed narrowing at the nerves there.Sponylosis, I think it is called. I haven't called the recommended surgeon. Surgeon?! At least they explained that now they see what is causing the pain and the Prednisone didn't work and actually made it worse it is time for a specialist to re-read the MRI and make his recommendations. Of course I have been Googling like mad but it has made me "not" so nervous. Surgery is a last resort and I am hoping to hear that rest, heat, massage and P Therapy (which I can't afford so that's not an option-hospital insurance won't cover any of that) will calm it down and I can adjust my lifestyle to it.
They said at 25 your discs begin to age but if you stay in great shape and have no accidents you can stay the disc degeneration by some years. I think with both my broadsides and a couple other small accidents I set it all into motion until it reached the screaming point to get my attention. It certainly has my full attention. I am so much calmer when I know the details.
The mice are coming and leaving little deposits downstairs. Melanie and Abby aren't happy, Bella isn't catching them when we need her to. Hahaha. I wonder if she is rebelling against our behaviour when she brought the last two in.
I had a wonderful lunch with my friend, Tomato Basil Soup and Grilled Cheese. It was good to see him again. It is time for the Class of 68 to get together again for dinner soon. Life is good.
I got the call today. I have significant disc degeneration in 5 places. The L4 and L5 are the worst. It showed narrowing at the nerves there.Sponylosis, I think it is called. I haven't called the recommended surgeon. Surgeon?! At least they explained that now they see what is causing the pain and the Prednisone didn't work and actually made it worse it is time for a specialist to re-read the MRI and make his recommendations. Of course I have been Googling like mad but it has made me "not" so nervous. Surgery is a last resort and I am hoping to hear that rest, heat, massage and P Therapy (which I can't afford so that's not an option-hospital insurance won't cover any of that) will calm it down and I can adjust my lifestyle to it.
They said at 25 your discs begin to age but if you stay in great shape and have no accidents you can stay the disc degeneration by some years. I think with both my broadsides and a couple other small accidents I set it all into motion until it reached the screaming point to get my attention. It certainly has my full attention. I am so much calmer when I know the details.
The mice are coming and leaving little deposits downstairs. Melanie and Abby aren't happy, Bella isn't catching them when we need her to. Hahaha. I wonder if she is rebelling against our behaviour when she brought the last two in.
I had a wonderful lunch with my friend, Tomato Basil Soup and Grilled Cheese. It was good to see him again. It is time for the Class of 68 to get together again for dinner soon. Life is good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)