The Reveal

I've put this off a few days but it is silly. I just thought if I had a couple more days things would change but they haven't.  My body is turning back to January before all of the scopes, scans and blood tests.
The pain in my stomach is back now most of the day. Food isn't digesting like it was and is back to slow and miserable. Today I choked in the grocery store. Off and on fevers are back along with the rest. I guess I should state, however, how grateful I am the colonoscopy revealed the precancerous polyps and they are gone. The way I feel now, though, I don't know if waiting 3 yrs is long enough for a new scope. Maybe 2.

So I am sad tonight. I still have blood tests and a thyroid test coming this week and hope those are fine. I am at wits end how to deal with getting strong and eating and walking more. Sugars are way up, I think, because mostly all I can eat are carbs.

I don't want to seem sniffley and sound like a whiner. For all that is wrong with me I usually keep my spirits up but I am allowing myself to be sad tonight.  Tomorrow I start fighting the fight again.

Retail

Having agoraphobia (fear of people that's not quite disabling) and being a cashier at a superstore is in itself a contradiction.  I don't look down the line or I can't breathe so I take the customers (or guests as Target calls them) one face at a time. I've started to ring up my daughter or next door neighbor and not known it until I look up. It happens often.. luckily most of them know my fear and just wait for me to look up before they say "Hi".

For some reason today, things just kept happening in line that made me look up and down the line to see too many faces. I have songs in my head to take off when this happens. One is the beginning of the song Soul Sister by Train: (Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey. Hey, Hey) :) it has a good tune I promise. One of the other songs is "Tan Shoes and Pink Shoe Laces" from the early 60's I think. It works wonders. A few cases of intentional fraud couponers I caught and a short change artist. I got him confused. It all worked out.

I get frustrated with cashiers I know (NOT at my Target) that let their attitudes show and are rude or bored with the guest. Good I am not a manager as I would write them up, then out the door if it kept happening. Too many people need work.You smile, talk politely and thank them every single time. That is the retail rule. It is also what will keep or lose a good guest.

Nothing Is As It Seems

It smells like rain, but it's hardly hit the ground. It smells like fire, but it is on the other side of the mountain.

 Nothing is as it seems tonight. Since at least junior ( middle) high school I've had these periodic episodes where my senses get altered. I feel a dark or ominous cloud over me. My husband and daughter would bare witness to it. Within a few days, bad, sad or traumatic events occur to people who are close to me.. "almost" always in threes.  Long time can pass between the happenings, it's nothing regular or a special fete. I don't know what the  words are.  But I am so seldom wrong that my family always listens closely when I have them.

Nothing is as it seems tonight.  I have an almost uncomfortable feeling of calm, that feels tethered to a darkness hanging over me. It feels like I am preparing for  bad news but have no sense of direction it will come from. I'm relieved the times I am wrong, always bewildered when I am right. As things are right now, I am counting on being wrong.

Forward Progress

Don't you hate when the Novocaine wears off before you get out of the dentist's chair? It's been 6 hrs and I am beginning to feel a lot better. More work next week on the other side. Forward Progress.

I have an progress interview at work this Friday and am a little nervous. I know they were overly concerned when I choked at work. They wouldn't fire me, would they? No, they couldn't..they still have to employ me after to permanent injury to the base of my thumb. Or could they? Ok, this is about as long as I am going to stress over it. On Friday, I will see if it even mattered. I mean, anyone could keel over from a stroke, or heart failure or something. You can't fire someone because they scared the pants off you as you went blue in the face.    You really had to be there.

Still working on trying to find food to eat. Some main staples remain the same, however off they may sound to you. I can still eat: Smuckers Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam frozen sandwiches, Frito Lay's Butter Puffs (my mainstay), Saltines, Ice Coffee, Shelled Pistachios (carefully with the throat), Tostito's Salsa on top of Saltines, cinnamon flavored diced peaches.  That is the standard that has helped me all week long... Lots of blood tests coming up this week. Gotta feeling I am going to get yelled at for high blood sugar but heck, most of all I can eat is carbs. I am just trying to survive here. Wish me luck on that day.

Misc.

Tomorrow is the root canal just beneath the latest extraction. Nothing will go wrong. And there's no place like home. I've been two for two going wrong. Tomorrow will be the start of things going right at the dentist. 

I am noticing at work that more people are paying with cash than ever. That is what has helped me. It is so much harder taking out the actual money and handing it over than quickly swiping a card.  It is more apparent you just spent money.

Tonight is going to be mellow. I'm recording America's Got Talent and Glee while I watch NCIS. A evening full of pajamas and my Butter Puffs.

Lyp and Chemo Pills

Early visit today with my dermatologist regarding my Lyp (Lymphomatoid Papulosis).  12 yrs of staying one step ahead of this rare lymphoma skin cancer. I had to have a liver biopsy 2 yrs ago because of all the methotrexate (chemotherapy pills) I have to take and was given a pass but a noted slight thickening of the liver. Today new blood tests were ordered and he has asked me to try cutting out one pill per week for 2 months and then cutting another pill a week for 2 months, then a new followup. I've never been down to 4 pills per week. I started at 10. 

3 months ago I messed up. For 6 weeks I took methotrexate AND folic acid on the same day which is a huge no-no as the folic acid renders the methotrexate useless. I broke out in sores, literally, from the top of my scalp to my toes. It took 2 1/2 months to get back to where I was before that. So, cutting back on the pills does make me a little nervous, I also don't want a destroyed liver.

1 year ago I lost a good friend of 30 years because of the damage done to her liver by the  methotrexate. She was in a study and never knew for certain how much of the drug she was given through the years. She had wicked rheumatoid arthritis in her hands. Until then, she was an incredible artist. She did a sketch for me to use with a short story I entered in a church contest and won first place. I always felt that her sketch had a large impact. Today brought back her words of caution to me a few months before she died. "Be careful"  I get light box treatment once a week, that also helps. Perhaps, less meds, more light. As I learned again today, doctors are still learning about the disease. There are so many challenges at my door, but I am always ready to stand them down. I've been winning and plan to continue to win. I must adapt and alter things in my life, I won't be absorbed by the distractions. Life is wondrous and I plan on marvelling at all it's wonders for a very long time.

Mother's Day 2012

With the exception that my poor daughter is home sick in bed, it has been a quiet but wonderful Mother's Day today. As usual, my husband got up early and raced to buy me a card still managing to find the perfect one.  We are saving the special dinner for a couple of weeks when I can eat a little better.  Texas Roadhouse is where I've been longing to go since last November. I always get the Roadkill which is the ground sirloin steak, baked potato with extra butter and sour cream and a sweet potato with the works to bring home for later. Excellent. I intend to groan with delight and savor every morsel. Definitely worth the wait.

Not everybody has someone for Mother's Day.  If you know someone who is alone, please stop by or give them a call.  It takes little time and reaps enormous rewards.

Sorry, Mom.

What went wrong in my mind that it took from 1968 to now to discover how old my mother was when she died?  Her death, by suicide, occurred when I was 17. I am not up to going back there tonight, as it may as well have been yesterday still.

All the years I've gone to her grave site, left the flowers and occasional notes I "never" read the year of her birth.  I told people in the past that she died at 42, and so did Elvis. Quite a few people I knew or were celebrities died at 42. Just like my mom. Or so I thought.

I just sat with her at the cemetery and began to brush off the headstone like I always did when for the first time I "really" saw the year of her birth:  1923.  She died in 1968. She was 45 when she died. It may sound trivial to you but to me, I feel I horribly disrespected her. How could I possibly have gone to visit her so many times in the past, cleaned the headstone, placed the flowers, cried the tears and not have ever seen the year until now? I believe in life after death with all my heart and with that same heart I know it doesn't matter to her. That she loved, loves and will always love me as her daughter that broke the day she died.  She paid it no mind the day I first got it wrong. I should be so kind to myself.

Choking

So I have to worry about choking. Check. But I did not even think for a moment it might happen at work and right in the middle of a transaction with no food or drink the culprit. All I did was speak as I leaned over and took out money. I choked on my own saliva. I will save you the drama but it was quite awful. I have this esteem problem which didn't improve with this. It caused me to dry heave so badly trying to get in air in the restroom that I honestly thought for a moment I was having a massive heart attack. The pain that shot through my chest was incredible. Since it happened I am afraid to eat or drink which is silly, I know. It didn't last long, but felt like forever.

So Many Errands

The past couple of days have been filled with so many errands that I have been too tired to write. Last night I just sat here thinking of what to type and couldn't do it.

Amazing how things work. The newspaper no sooner published an article on how Utah roadways were safer and fewer fatalities than in the past when all Hell broke loose. In the past 2 days there have been several horrific fatal accidents. We used to see an increase due to "road rage" and now it is more than ever "distracted driving". You know what I am talking about. Constantly aware now of the car next to me as more often now the car will drift over as they are on the phone or texting. It is not so much now that you think there is a drunk driver ahead of you, as a distracted driver and sure enough when you get up to them, they are on the phone. I know we all have moments when we feel we need to make that quick call..but to sit and gab and laugh and expect to manage your 2,000lb vehicle? Deadly.

My son-in-law's surgery is coming up Monday so all attempts and moving, cleaning, etc has come to a pause. He has a huge hernia that;s about to strangulate so they're doing exploratory at the same time to check everything out. Seems they missed this one 2 yrs ago when he had surgery for Diverticulitis...
He will need 1 wk off his feet, then 1 wk light work.. hopefully it will be a quick recovery. He hates not constantly doing something. 

As for me, I get tired of complaining. I still can't eat much without getting sick. I try to stick to mellow foods and things that won't get stuck in my throat. If I could just get my insulin down.  I have a lot of blood test coming up soon.. I want a thyroid test. They did one 2 yrs ago and it should I was low; they chose to redo the test and it said it was normal. They chose the latter but I've always wondered if they shouldn't have done a 3rd to be sure which was right. I can't lost a pound tho I starve. I should at least be losing some weight with all this. We will figure it out yet!

I Won!

No signs of any more hummingbirds. This one may have been a fluke. Drats.  Still, it shouldn't be more than a few days.

I am so excited. I won 4 tickets to the Utah Blaze game. (Indoor arena football). After the sports broadcast on KUTV2 News Saturday night they offered 4 free tickets to the person whose twitter they chose. Moi!
I got the word the next morning. "You win." Short and sweet.
Tomorrow I am picking up the voucher from the front desk at the television station. I don't know what game they are for yet. Oh, tickle me pink. Nothing's better than a dose of unexpected joy.

Hummingbird

Saw our first hummingbird...shimmering green with a white throat outlined in black. The season has begun. We love every morning and evening watching them come in to feed and fend off intruders. It delights us more every year.I want to see if National Geographic has a book after their documentary about the Hummingbirds. It was fantastic! They said many of the birds are no longer just staying in the same places.. some are migrating to other parts of the US and the world at large. It still amazes me that their eggs are the size of a Tic Tac.

It may be hard to understand but when I was on radio I was my completely true self. I would come to work with a horrible cold, sinuses or pneumonia a couple of times but the moment I turned the mike on I was mostly healthy. If the listeners heard a sniffle I would get calls for remedies. If I said I got sunburned they called in with cures. I was not afraid of anyone, even though in talking politics the conversations could get very heated. I felt safe, in control and sure of myself.  But then, the show would end and by the drive home I was my same old insecure, scared of the dark, strangers and bogeymen. I can't explain the protection that mike gave me. There are stories out there of what some hosts go through with unstable listeners - from being stalked, threatening letters and obsessive behavior to get your attention.  I do want to try doing it from home but still have people to meet with and see if a podcast is reasonable and inexpensive.

This N That

Today at work was a big reminder of why I fear people.Let me premise that because of a freak injury to my right hand thumb joint which was destroyed by a falling large, glass bottle of Olive Oil, I am delegated to the Express Lane: Can't work over 3 hrs tops. Can't lift anything over 5 lbs but I have to a few times a shift. First 2 hrs most sales are for lunch or quick  first aid, hair color or a Wedding Gift, etc.Very few heavy things come through.. but inevitably some do and I make do how I can.  If I were in a regular lane there'd be carts chuck full of cans, large and small, too many things I can't lift. My joint rubs bone against bone and (hurts badly) but I've learned little tricks to using the left hand or guiding things across the palm of my hand and saving the thumb whenever possible.

I was told by 2 cashier team leaders that I am one of the quickest cashiers on the Express Lane so I consider that I huge accomplishment since most of the time is painful and I am able to keep that away from the guests. I make it a goal to make it almost impossible to know I am hurting.  Sometime this fall, I hope the company will allow the surgery. Right now, I may need a cortisone shot to get me thru the summer rush. Want to be healing by Christmas rush.  Have I said how wonderful Target has been to me? I will say it again. They never make me feel like an imposition and go out of their way to keep up my morale. I know sometimes they see I need to squeeze my joint and shake the pain out but I try to hide it.

Sorry, a bit chatty tonight. Lots and lots on my mind. My son in law has to have major surgery on a hernia they missed after surgery for diverticulitis that is on the verge of strangulating... and are performing exploratory to make certain they didn't miss more. We are lucky he is alive. Everything burst during the surgery but their quick thinking and fast action saved his life.

So work of them moving in has slowed a bit as the surgery is next week and we don't want him making things worse before them. He has all summer and needs to slow down. He doesn't take uppers or have ADD, he just is always anxious and like to keep moving and working. It is a chose trying to get him to slow down. Love him. Melanie married well as he is such a gentleman and respectful to us for over 10 yrs now. All in good time. Slow down, get well and all will happen in it's own time.

Well, everything I just wrote went poof! into another dimension. Sorry. Took a while to write, too.

It was just a diatribe about the continued extreme pain from the extraction... Tylenol may as well be plain drinking water. BUT, I am on my way to getting better, being able to chew real good and not always afraid to choke, even though I keep choking.  I t does make life interesting.  ;)

It Was A Tender Mending

It was tender mending. The tooth had been so beat up the past few months that it will take a little longer to heal. The bad news... isn't there always something?  is I need a root canal next Wednesday. They took xrays today and found things they need to take care of. We've spent a year on one extraction that went bad and ended up taking a 2nd tooth so they haven't really checked the rest of me out. One additional root canal may happen in a month, That is ok. By the time they are finally done I may be able to chew steak. Soooo grateful these are far back teeth.

My swallowing and eating is being cruel tonight. I am starving. But I guess that is what the doctor wants. Hah! We definitely need to revisit that issue. I need to buy some protein powder to add to the drinks my husband is making but all I see are flavors. Vanilla, chocolate... is there a "no taste"?  The drinks may be my safest bet in getting some sort of nutrition.  The challenge continues. Anyone with some advice, please leave a comment. I am all ears.. and could use some help.

DARK MOOD

I don't like the mood I am in tonight, it is foreign, oppressive and I need to bid it adieu. For all of the life I can remember, and believe me, the childhood is best forgotten but not, I see the light at the end, bruise with the bumps in the road and adjust my path to unpleasant forks in the road.  It is something I am quietly proud of and try to share with others when they are despairing in some way. You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Every pain or fall allows you to appreciate feeling well and achieving. It is you who decides your spiritual aura, your center of comfort.

Tonight, I didn't listen to the small voice and made poor choices. It seemed to open up bad thoughts and I found myself beginning  to falter and weep for myself when I should be rejoicing. Keep the doors in your mind closed that hold fears and temptations, pity and helplessness. If they open, it is up to you to shut and lock them. Perhaps one day, you will want to visit them, but only when you need to weep or share the fears. It is astounding how powerfully strong bad feelings can be. It takes an even stronger spirit, soul to cause them to retreat to a place away; far from your joy.
Sharing this tonight has already calmed my troubled mood.

Tender Mendings

I've been too tired the past couple of days to put my thoughts  onto the blog.


Tomorrow is the return visit to the dentist for a follow up on the extraction. I followed all the rules but they think I have a dry socket. Lovely. But, I am holding out for just a very tender mending.  It's not such a bad thing, holding our for tender mendings....

Cat Worry

Spring Clean-up trucks are coming by early in the morning so yesterday was a long yard work day..getting ready for the kids to move in made for a lot in the house to go as well. Perfect day for it though..mid 50's and nice breeze.  Today was on the lower 60's. We spent nearly all our energy yesterday and moved like snails but still got things done.

I am now at a stalemate over books. There is a pile to box & store, one to donate and one to keep. I have moved books from pile to pile, causing the donate pile to shrink. You have to know when to stop and go on to something different while that part of your overworked brain recuperates.

If you went back far enough I am pretty sure I told you about Bella. She is a gorgeous, sleek, black Bombay cat with gold eyes. I got her from the pound over a year ago when she was about 7-8 weeks old. After a couple of weeks my allergies went off the chart and by good fortune my daughter adopted her. So she is still in the family. However, the hunter in her came out, the love of outdoors and stalking prey.She brought in 3 birds, 2 snakes and a mouse and almost never uses her cat box because she is outside most of the time. DILEMMA: She is coming back to live here and we don't have a doggie door (yet, anyway)and I am more afraid of her getting hit or attacked by a couple of wild cats that come around.  I am not worried about the allergies so much because as a kitten she would jump on me, scratch and try to lay on my neck or shoulders... now, she is queen of her castle and only schmoozes at bedtime or when hungry. So why am I worrying over this? I don't know either. Everyone else is certain she will be just fine and make herself right at home. Ok, then. But I still feel the need to worry.

Starve for a Year

Argh! Bear with me, if you are new to this blog. Ok. I saw my primary care dr. today. I will try to not con volute the whole thing or draw it out. A few months ago I saw him due to stomach pain, inablility to keep food in, starving (the operative word today) and an intestinal bacterial infection. It all lead to lots of tests that found and corrected some problems (the life saving removal of 4 polyps is just one) weak stomach muscles, semi working epiglottis and newly found degenerative cervical spine ( very stiff, snap, crackle and popping neck)... blah blah.
Today the dr says the neck degeneration is not worrisome.... yet, learn to deal with it. Ok.  When I told him the delayed stomach emptying (gastroparesis) diet called for almost entirely carbs which I can't eat with Diabetes and Cholesterol he pondered. I broke the silence and told him of my suspicions of injecting too high doses of insulin and this was what he told me in a nutshell.  I made a good point and it was entirely possible, BUT, he wants me to go on a strict LOW CARB diet, try to eat a protein now and then and STARVE for a YEAR. During that time I could mess with my insulin and try decreasing the dose to check my theory and see if it helps lower my sugar readings. He said you will probably hate me for the year you are starving but losing some pounds and lowering your insulin will make you live longer in the end. WHAT? 
Did he forget I told him months ago I was STARVING??  The only few foods I could tolerate were carbs? Damn! I had so much to talk with him about in 10 min. time. I was so dumbfounded I took it all in and nodded and promised to STARVE.
So, with a swollen face from the tooth extraction that feels as sore as the first day, a stomach ache from starving all day and a headache from the stress of it all, I will bid you adieu tonight. I bet you are as confused as I am. He had a way of saying it that just messed with my brain until I was on the drive home and it all hit me. Somewhere he simply missed that starving was my issue. Oh, I can't think about this anymore tonight. My poor body and brain is so confused.

Page Views

I wasn't going to post to day; I am so frustrated in hearing that most of my page views are from spammers who want me to click on them to get my info. I finally thought I had a fair share of people who cared and read my blogs. Now, I just don't know.  Google IS aware of this but seems to do nothing to stop these sites they KNOW are doing this.   Grrr.........Rant!!   If no one is here, why continue?  Once again, PLEASE if you enjoy my blogs take a second and become a member...it just takes your email. I am feeling like an idiot posting to no one.

At 9:40 am I see my primary care to find out about the neck and advice on eating.  I think, seriously, my insulin injections are way too high... they don't seem to come down no matter how high or low I inject. It might also be part of the problem.

I will save myself if it kills me.