Hummingbird

Saw our first hummingbird...shimmering green with a white throat outlined in black. The season has begun. We love every morning and evening watching them come in to feed and fend off intruders. It delights us more every year.I want to see if National Geographic has a book after their documentary about the Hummingbirds. It was fantastic! They said many of the birds are no longer just staying in the same places.. some are migrating to other parts of the US and the world at large. It still amazes me that their eggs are the size of a Tic Tac.

It may be hard to understand but when I was on radio I was my completely true self. I would come to work with a horrible cold, sinuses or pneumonia a couple of times but the moment I turned the mike on I was mostly healthy. If the listeners heard a sniffle I would get calls for remedies. If I said I got sunburned they called in with cures. I was not afraid of anyone, even though in talking politics the conversations could get very heated. I felt safe, in control and sure of myself.  But then, the show would end and by the drive home I was my same old insecure, scared of the dark, strangers and bogeymen. I can't explain the protection that mike gave me. There are stories out there of what some hosts go through with unstable listeners - from being stalked, threatening letters and obsessive behavior to get your attention.  I do want to try doing it from home but still have people to meet with and see if a podcast is reasonable and inexpensive.

This N That

Today at work was a big reminder of why I fear people.Let me premise that because of a freak injury to my right hand thumb joint which was destroyed by a falling large, glass bottle of Olive Oil, I am delegated to the Express Lane: Can't work over 3 hrs tops. Can't lift anything over 5 lbs but I have to a few times a shift. First 2 hrs most sales are for lunch or quick  first aid, hair color or a Wedding Gift, etc.Very few heavy things come through.. but inevitably some do and I make do how I can.  If I were in a regular lane there'd be carts chuck full of cans, large and small, too many things I can't lift. My joint rubs bone against bone and (hurts badly) but I've learned little tricks to using the left hand or guiding things across the palm of my hand and saving the thumb whenever possible.

I was told by 2 cashier team leaders that I am one of the quickest cashiers on the Express Lane so I consider that I huge accomplishment since most of the time is painful and I am able to keep that away from the guests. I make it a goal to make it almost impossible to know I am hurting.  Sometime this fall, I hope the company will allow the surgery. Right now, I may need a cortisone shot to get me thru the summer rush. Want to be healing by Christmas rush.  Have I said how wonderful Target has been to me? I will say it again. They never make me feel like an imposition and go out of their way to keep up my morale. I know sometimes they see I need to squeeze my joint and shake the pain out but I try to hide it.

Sorry, a bit chatty tonight. Lots and lots on my mind. My son in law has to have major surgery on a hernia they missed after surgery for diverticulitis that is on the verge of strangulating... and are performing exploratory to make certain they didn't miss more. We are lucky he is alive. Everything burst during the surgery but their quick thinking and fast action saved his life.

So work of them moving in has slowed a bit as the surgery is next week and we don't want him making things worse before them. He has all summer and needs to slow down. He doesn't take uppers or have ADD, he just is always anxious and like to keep moving and working. It is a chose trying to get him to slow down. Love him. Melanie married well as he is such a gentleman and respectful to us for over 10 yrs now. All in good time. Slow down, get well and all will happen in it's own time.

Well, everything I just wrote went poof! into another dimension. Sorry. Took a while to write, too.

It was just a diatribe about the continued extreme pain from the extraction... Tylenol may as well be plain drinking water. BUT, I am on my way to getting better, being able to chew real good and not always afraid to choke, even though I keep choking.  I t does make life interesting.  ;)

It Was A Tender Mending

It was tender mending. The tooth had been so beat up the past few months that it will take a little longer to heal. The bad news... isn't there always something?  is I need a root canal next Wednesday. They took xrays today and found things they need to take care of. We've spent a year on one extraction that went bad and ended up taking a 2nd tooth so they haven't really checked the rest of me out. One additional root canal may happen in a month, That is ok. By the time they are finally done I may be able to chew steak. Soooo grateful these are far back teeth.

My swallowing and eating is being cruel tonight. I am starving. But I guess that is what the doctor wants. Hah! We definitely need to revisit that issue. I need to buy some protein powder to add to the drinks my husband is making but all I see are flavors. Vanilla, chocolate... is there a "no taste"?  The drinks may be my safest bet in getting some sort of nutrition.  The challenge continues. Anyone with some advice, please leave a comment. I am all ears.. and could use some help.

DARK MOOD

I don't like the mood I am in tonight, it is foreign, oppressive and I need to bid it adieu. For all of the life I can remember, and believe me, the childhood is best forgotten but not, I see the light at the end, bruise with the bumps in the road and adjust my path to unpleasant forks in the road.  It is something I am quietly proud of and try to share with others when they are despairing in some way. You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Every pain or fall allows you to appreciate feeling well and achieving. It is you who decides your spiritual aura, your center of comfort.

Tonight, I didn't listen to the small voice and made poor choices. It seemed to open up bad thoughts and I found myself beginning  to falter and weep for myself when I should be rejoicing. Keep the doors in your mind closed that hold fears and temptations, pity and helplessness. If they open, it is up to you to shut and lock them. Perhaps one day, you will want to visit them, but only when you need to weep or share the fears. It is astounding how powerfully strong bad feelings can be. It takes an even stronger spirit, soul to cause them to retreat to a place away; far from your joy.
Sharing this tonight has already calmed my troubled mood.

Tender Mendings

I've been too tired the past couple of days to put my thoughts  onto the blog.


Tomorrow is the return visit to the dentist for a follow up on the extraction. I followed all the rules but they think I have a dry socket. Lovely. But, I am holding out for just a very tender mending.  It's not such a bad thing, holding our for tender mendings....

Cat Worry

Spring Clean-up trucks are coming by early in the morning so yesterday was a long yard work day..getting ready for the kids to move in made for a lot in the house to go as well. Perfect day for it though..mid 50's and nice breeze.  Today was on the lower 60's. We spent nearly all our energy yesterday and moved like snails but still got things done.

I am now at a stalemate over books. There is a pile to box & store, one to donate and one to keep. I have moved books from pile to pile, causing the donate pile to shrink. You have to know when to stop and go on to something different while that part of your overworked brain recuperates.

If you went back far enough I am pretty sure I told you about Bella. She is a gorgeous, sleek, black Bombay cat with gold eyes. I got her from the pound over a year ago when she was about 7-8 weeks old. After a couple of weeks my allergies went off the chart and by good fortune my daughter adopted her. So she is still in the family. However, the hunter in her came out, the love of outdoors and stalking prey.She brought in 3 birds, 2 snakes and a mouse and almost never uses her cat box because she is outside most of the time. DILEMMA: She is coming back to live here and we don't have a doggie door (yet, anyway)and I am more afraid of her getting hit or attacked by a couple of wild cats that come around.  I am not worried about the allergies so much because as a kitten she would jump on me, scratch and try to lay on my neck or shoulders... now, she is queen of her castle and only schmoozes at bedtime or when hungry. So why am I worrying over this? I don't know either. Everyone else is certain she will be just fine and make herself right at home. Ok, then. But I still feel the need to worry.

Starve for a Year

Argh! Bear with me, if you are new to this blog. Ok. I saw my primary care dr. today. I will try to not con volute the whole thing or draw it out. A few months ago I saw him due to stomach pain, inablility to keep food in, starving (the operative word today) and an intestinal bacterial infection. It all lead to lots of tests that found and corrected some problems (the life saving removal of 4 polyps is just one) weak stomach muscles, semi working epiglottis and newly found degenerative cervical spine ( very stiff, snap, crackle and popping neck)... blah blah.
Today the dr says the neck degeneration is not worrisome.... yet, learn to deal with it. Ok.  When I told him the delayed stomach emptying (gastroparesis) diet called for almost entirely carbs which I can't eat with Diabetes and Cholesterol he pondered. I broke the silence and told him of my suspicions of injecting too high doses of insulin and this was what he told me in a nutshell.  I made a good point and it was entirely possible, BUT, he wants me to go on a strict LOW CARB diet, try to eat a protein now and then and STARVE for a YEAR. During that time I could mess with my insulin and try decreasing the dose to check my theory and see if it helps lower my sugar readings. He said you will probably hate me for the year you are starving but losing some pounds and lowering your insulin will make you live longer in the end. WHAT? 
Did he forget I told him months ago I was STARVING??  The only few foods I could tolerate were carbs? Damn! I had so much to talk with him about in 10 min. time. I was so dumbfounded I took it all in and nodded and promised to STARVE.
So, with a swollen face from the tooth extraction that feels as sore as the first day, a stomach ache from starving all day and a headache from the stress of it all, I will bid you adieu tonight. I bet you are as confused as I am. He had a way of saying it that just messed with my brain until I was on the drive home and it all hit me. Somewhere he simply missed that starving was my issue. Oh, I can't think about this anymore tonight. My poor body and brain is so confused.

Page Views

I wasn't going to post to day; I am so frustrated in hearing that most of my page views are from spammers who want me to click on them to get my info. I finally thought I had a fair share of people who cared and read my blogs. Now, I just don't know.  Google IS aware of this but seems to do nothing to stop these sites they KNOW are doing this.   Grrr.........Rant!!   If no one is here, why continue?  Once again, PLEASE if you enjoy my blogs take a second and become a member...it just takes your email. I am feeling like an idiot posting to no one.

At 9:40 am I see my primary care to find out about the neck and advice on eating.  I think, seriously, my insulin injections are way too high... they don't seem to come down no matter how high or low I inject. It might also be part of the problem.

I will save myself if it kills me.

Ouch

Ouch is just not the word for tooth pain. It is good for stubbing toes, hitting your crazy bone, pulling out the sliver, etc. But the throbbing that goes up your face, into your eye and out the top of your head is just indescribable. So there you have it. That is me at the moment. Anchor tooth became history. Since he sutured this one I can only pray there are no leftover shards of bone like last time.  He would only say we're doing an implant; but not if we'll then retry the bridge or go for another implant which he said someone else would have to do cause it's right at my sinuses. Ok, I am not going there in my mind. One day, tooth at a time. I made him let me pick out a toy from the children's toy box. I have earned it this year.

It will be time for another pain pill when I record Ghost Hunters in the front room, Survivor in the bedroom and American Idol in the office. They all come on at the same time so I record and watch GH, then lend the tape to my daughter. The rest of the evening I spend watching the other two. Wednesday's are my remote and tv night. Channel Flipper usually makes plans so I am on my own to enjoy.

Simplifying

I am enjoying simplifying my life. I started just over 10 years ago when we converted the basement into an apartment for our daughter (our only child, my miracle girl). I simplified again in 2002 when she moved to Oregon for 6 months and I lived out of a suitcase. There was so much joy in being with her and helping that I hadn't time to miss anything material.

Now, I am downsizing again and doing so with much relief. As much as I have given away, I still have more "stuff" than I will ever read or use. It's been fun sitting up and going through the books; some to box up for a couple years, some to give away and some to keep on the shelf.

Tomorrow is another dreaded trip to the dentist. I can pretty well guarantee you that he is going to pull the anchor tooth that won't get better, in fact the past 3-4 days it has become more painful.  I think he will replace it with an implant and then my poor bridge in the drawer. I have this brand new Water Pik flosser just waiting for my new bridge. It's going to be outdated before I get to use it. 

It is Official...

Nothing was as it was supposed to be today. Dan had a large job today but suddenly showed up home a couple hours later and went straight to bed. 3 hours later he came out drinking everything he could and put on a wet shirt. Apparently he had quite a time with heat exhaustion, was vomiting and disoriented. He made it home until he could get his strength. Scared me. He is my rock. Like the trooper he is, he went back to work and got it done.

It is official. Daughter, son-in-law, 2 grand kids are coming back home and living in the basement for a couple of years until they can get caught up on the credit card bills and save enough for a down payment on a larger home on a quiet street, not like the race course they live on. It will take patience on every one of us but we love and respect each other so much, it will simply be an adventure.

Old Habits

My lack of due diligence ( had to use that, all the politicians do) cost me today.The family came over to help get ready for the spring clean up and I let my common sense rest for the day. I had 4 pieces of Hawaiian Pineapple Pizza. I rationalized that chewing real slow would make it ok. Gees, I was wrong. I am paying dearly tonight and not a happy camper. It truly does take a lot of thinking to overcome old habits and start fresh. My mind tells me one thing but my hunger overrules. Totally, misery of my own making. I am sure some of you have been there. At least I hope I am not alone in the war.

We have a 1968 Mustang that has been sitting idle for just under 10 yrs. Today, at the prompting of our 8 yr old grandson we cleared off the leaves and merely put in a new battery. VROOM! It started on the first try. Andrew is now on Cloud 9 with excitement. We were all surprised. Built Ford Tough was just a commercial until today.

I realized my doctor had never sent me a copy of the swallow studies for my files so I stopped by and picked it up. Imagine my surprise when the first line read, "Initial imaging demonstrates multilevel degenerative changes of the cervical spine."  I just thought I had a creaky neck that was a little more difficult to turn and look behind my left and right side. The right stops early and I can't look back. I crackle like gravel some days but never gave it thought. Now, I accidentally discover my cervical spine is degenerating. Beats me why neither the swallow technician or my primary care doctor thought to tell me of that little tidbit as I've since learned that caution should be exercised to avoid neurological damage or paralysis.  I will ponder this some other day. This is not the day.

I learned today that my daughter, her husband and 2 children will be moving in with us sometime this summer or early fall. They live on a horribly dangerous street. This way they can also save some money to put down on a larger home as their's was quite small. It will be a test of patience for everyone. We love each other more than I could say but quarters will be tight. The basement has 2 bedrooms, one with a bath and tub/shower. The other just a small closet but a toilet in the small laundry room. Then they'll have a long space for a gas stove, sink and some shelves and drawers. The other half will be a frontroom with the couch, chairs and tv. Their own private entrance into their living quarters. I want them to feel it is "their" place. It will help them financially and help me as I get so lonely and have missed having them here since they moved out in about 2005 or 2006. Melanie worries about my health and being alone so often. God will help us. The home will be filled with love.

Peace and Joy..

Friends

True friends, friends, friendships and acquaintances. They are each different in many ways, important ways, but in this high tech, hurry-up, me first world we don't pay it much attention until we get smacked in the forehead. Pow. Something said or done suddenly stops you in your tracks. Literally stops you, makes you think hard. Up becomes down. You collect your thoughts and realize that your definition was not the same. Someone you thought was a true friend, was not. Or an acquaintance says things to imply more of a friendship than you are comfortable with... you see what I mean? We are so rushed to abbreviate our words and our time that we are actually abbreviating our feelings as well.

I finally felt the smack in the forehead. I now have to adjust my feelings about it so I can let it go.  In a few months time I have transitioned from having what I felt was a true friend, to a friend. Now, it's time to accept that the friend is a friendship and be content with that. The world has been tumbling, in need of repair and as troubles confound us we have stronger needs to reach out to someone. Never stop reaching out, there's always someone there but not always to the depth you want them.  A professor lectured at the Univ.of Utah many years ago that if you can count how many "true" friends you have on more than "one" hand, you need to reanalyze what a "true" friend is.

Mirrors

I have had it up to here with mirrors today. Dreadful. I don't ask for the truth when I look, I just want to see. I want to put the make-up on, comb the hair, confirm the attire is in place. I don't want to see a wrinkle that showed up overnight, a cowlick or snug pants.

However, just days ago someone thought I was my daughter's sister. You see? You can find the right balance to a negative thought. It just took me a little extra time tonight.

A Figure 8 Day

Today has been a Figure 8 day, lots of left and rights and no straight aways. First, this Vita Mix juicer may put me over the edge. The Channel Flipper, my husband, finally got it out of the box and began to experiment without a lot of help from the recipe book. He threw in some red onion... just because he could. That was this morning. I don't know what he did but late tonight the house still smells like red onion. 

Work went well with only a couple of miscues. I walked up and typed in my team member number without even thinking (got on the bike) and began ringing up the lunch crowd. Several actually asked me where I had been but I spared them the details (peddling). Then came the lady who always starts to eat her lunch in line; remember I am starving to spare my stomach til I get home. Her choice today was sushi and the smell of the fish was as strong as the fish farm in Park City; she had a piece of something in the corner of her mouth and stuck out her tongue to whip it back in.. (crashed). I didn't barf. I don't know why because there was never a better justification... but I persevered. (No blood trail.) I call that success.   That was the only hiccup and I am not at all worried about Thursday.

Went to Barry's viewing tonight but said goodbye a room away. For many years and many reasons but for a few exceptions, I say goodbye a room away. I believe that the deceased soul is in the room and understands. Even when my mom died just before my 18th birthday I did not look in the casket. Oh, some people were aggravated with me, called me disrespectful, but I knew where mom was and it wasn't in there. But she was in the room.  There's nothing wrong with saying goodbye a room away.

Back To Work Jitters

To say I am nervous about going back to work tomorrow after 3 months medical leave is an understatement. I know it's like falling off a bike, but I was never very good on a bicycle. In fact, my last time riding a bike was my senior year in high school. I still have the 2" scar on my ankle. I left a trail of blood on the street, up the driveway and to the back door that looked right out of a movie.

Back to the job. My stomach is still awful so I can't eat before work.I am thinking Gatorade at the check stand and some Teddy Grahams in my pocket.There's going to be a new team leader that I've never worked with before and I just learned they forgot to brief her on my medical leave, hand injury and need for the Express Lane only.Wow, it sounds like I am quite the pickle, but I am a good hard worker and worth the effort. I just paid myself a compliment, that rarely happens so I won't delete it.
I have self-esteem issues; I think everyone has, whether they have too much or too little.

It "Was" A Beautiful Day

It is hard to appreciate the blue of the sky when emotional clouds come your way.

This morning I learned a  high school classmate, Barry, had suddenly passed away. He was involved in a serious motorcycle accident in the middle of last year and was poked full of rods and screws. A member of the band and acting class in school he was one of the few to actually fulfill his dream of being on stage and participated in many big, State productions, including "The Phantom of the Opera".
Just weeks ago he reported his improvements and mobility; of course, anxious to get back on his motorcycle.  Just 5 days ago he was accepting friends on Face book. Then he suffered a freak fall and died. Like that, a sudden end to what was a beginning. Just a close of the eyes and I see him like yesterday standing on the stage we shared our Senior Year...He played my father and I was Alice Sycamore in "You Can't Take It With You".  His final curtain call too soon.

15 minutes ago my grandson called. "Grandma, I have something to tell you." "What is that, honey?" "Slurpee is dead." Slurpee was their pet guinea pig, but ownership belonged to my granddaughter. 
"I am so sorry, what happened? "I don't think he got enough Vitamin C. and Abby is crying. I wanted you to know.I have to go help take care of business." Aged 8 and 10, this is their first close taste of loss of a loved one.

 

Friday the 13th

I am amazed I let Friday, the 13th go by without a mention. I married my Channel Flipper on Friday the 13th  in Tokyo, Japan while he was in the Navy during the Vietnam War. As we walked into the US Embassy we both commented that we were glad it was Saturday the 14th. Hah! Neither of us had done the Time Zone equations.We wouldn't have waited anyway.. it took almost a year to save enough money to fly and meet him, he was in port for only a short time and love was raging. We opened the door and the largest calender I'd ever seen said FRI, MAR 13th. We just looked at each other and started to laugh. It has been our lucky number ever since and yes, we always use 13 on lottery tickets..winning once in a while ($8.00) power ball. Very once in a while.

Tonight I watched my daughter sing in a double quartet singing The Star Spangled Banner acapella at a church function . It was great. The simple things in life. No cameras, producers, re-takes and commercial breaks; just real people giving what they have to you.