Old Habits

My lack of due diligence ( had to use that, all the politicians do) cost me today.The family came over to help get ready for the spring clean up and I let my common sense rest for the day. I had 4 pieces of Hawaiian Pineapple Pizza. I rationalized that chewing real slow would make it ok. Gees, I was wrong. I am paying dearly tonight and not a happy camper. It truly does take a lot of thinking to overcome old habits and start fresh. My mind tells me one thing but my hunger overrules. Totally, misery of my own making. I am sure some of you have been there. At least I hope I am not alone in the war.

We have a 1968 Mustang that has been sitting idle for just under 10 yrs. Today, at the prompting of our 8 yr old grandson we cleared off the leaves and merely put in a new battery. VROOM! It started on the first try. Andrew is now on Cloud 9 with excitement. We were all surprised. Built Ford Tough was just a commercial until today.

I realized my doctor had never sent me a copy of the swallow studies for my files so I stopped by and picked it up. Imagine my surprise when the first line read, "Initial imaging demonstrates multilevel degenerative changes of the cervical spine."  I just thought I had a creaky neck that was a little more difficult to turn and look behind my left and right side. The right stops early and I can't look back. I crackle like gravel some days but never gave it thought. Now, I accidentally discover my cervical spine is degenerating. Beats me why neither the swallow technician or my primary care doctor thought to tell me of that little tidbit as I've since learned that caution should be exercised to avoid neurological damage or paralysis.  I will ponder this some other day. This is not the day.

I learned today that my daughter, her husband and 2 children will be moving in with us sometime this summer or early fall. They live on a horribly dangerous street. This way they can also save some money to put down on a larger home as their's was quite small. It will be a test of patience for everyone. We love each other more than I could say but quarters will be tight. The basement has 2 bedrooms, one with a bath and tub/shower. The other just a small closet but a toilet in the small laundry room. Then they'll have a long space for a gas stove, sink and some shelves and drawers. The other half will be a frontroom with the couch, chairs and tv. Their own private entrance into their living quarters. I want them to feel it is "their" place. It will help them financially and help me as I get so lonely and have missed having them here since they moved out in about 2005 or 2006. Melanie worries about my health and being alone so often. God will help us. The home will be filled with love.

Peace and Joy..

Friends

True friends, friends, friendships and acquaintances. They are each different in many ways, important ways, but in this high tech, hurry-up, me first world we don't pay it much attention until we get smacked in the forehead. Pow. Something said or done suddenly stops you in your tracks. Literally stops you, makes you think hard. Up becomes down. You collect your thoughts and realize that your definition was not the same. Someone you thought was a true friend, was not. Or an acquaintance says things to imply more of a friendship than you are comfortable with... you see what I mean? We are so rushed to abbreviate our words and our time that we are actually abbreviating our feelings as well.

I finally felt the smack in the forehead. I now have to adjust my feelings about it so I can let it go.  In a few months time I have transitioned from having what I felt was a true friend, to a friend. Now, it's time to accept that the friend is a friendship and be content with that. The world has been tumbling, in need of repair and as troubles confound us we have stronger needs to reach out to someone. Never stop reaching out, there's always someone there but not always to the depth you want them.  A professor lectured at the Univ.of Utah many years ago that if you can count how many "true" friends you have on more than "one" hand, you need to reanalyze what a "true" friend is.

Mirrors

I have had it up to here with mirrors today. Dreadful. I don't ask for the truth when I look, I just want to see. I want to put the make-up on, comb the hair, confirm the attire is in place. I don't want to see a wrinkle that showed up overnight, a cowlick or snug pants.

However, just days ago someone thought I was my daughter's sister. You see? You can find the right balance to a negative thought. It just took me a little extra time tonight.

A Figure 8 Day

Today has been a Figure 8 day, lots of left and rights and no straight aways. First, this Vita Mix juicer may put me over the edge. The Channel Flipper, my husband, finally got it out of the box and began to experiment without a lot of help from the recipe book. He threw in some red onion... just because he could. That was this morning. I don't know what he did but late tonight the house still smells like red onion. 

Work went well with only a couple of miscues. I walked up and typed in my team member number without even thinking (got on the bike) and began ringing up the lunch crowd. Several actually asked me where I had been but I spared them the details (peddling). Then came the lady who always starts to eat her lunch in line; remember I am starving to spare my stomach til I get home. Her choice today was sushi and the smell of the fish was as strong as the fish farm in Park City; she had a piece of something in the corner of her mouth and stuck out her tongue to whip it back in.. (crashed). I didn't barf. I don't know why because there was never a better justification... but I persevered. (No blood trail.) I call that success.   That was the only hiccup and I am not at all worried about Thursday.

Went to Barry's viewing tonight but said goodbye a room away. For many years and many reasons but for a few exceptions, I say goodbye a room away. I believe that the deceased soul is in the room and understands. Even when my mom died just before my 18th birthday I did not look in the casket. Oh, some people were aggravated with me, called me disrespectful, but I knew where mom was and it wasn't in there. But she was in the room.  There's nothing wrong with saying goodbye a room away.

Back To Work Jitters

To say I am nervous about going back to work tomorrow after 3 months medical leave is an understatement. I know it's like falling off a bike, but I was never very good on a bicycle. In fact, my last time riding a bike was my senior year in high school. I still have the 2" scar on my ankle. I left a trail of blood on the street, up the driveway and to the back door that looked right out of a movie.

Back to the job. My stomach is still awful so I can't eat before work.I am thinking Gatorade at the check stand and some Teddy Grahams in my pocket.There's going to be a new team leader that I've never worked with before and I just learned they forgot to brief her on my medical leave, hand injury and need for the Express Lane only.Wow, it sounds like I am quite the pickle, but I am a good hard worker and worth the effort. I just paid myself a compliment, that rarely happens so I won't delete it.
I have self-esteem issues; I think everyone has, whether they have too much or too little.

It "Was" A Beautiful Day

It is hard to appreciate the blue of the sky when emotional clouds come your way.

This morning I learned a  high school classmate, Barry, had suddenly passed away. He was involved in a serious motorcycle accident in the middle of last year and was poked full of rods and screws. A member of the band and acting class in school he was one of the few to actually fulfill his dream of being on stage and participated in many big, State productions, including "The Phantom of the Opera".
Just weeks ago he reported his improvements and mobility; of course, anxious to get back on his motorcycle.  Just 5 days ago he was accepting friends on Face book. Then he suffered a freak fall and died. Like that, a sudden end to what was a beginning. Just a close of the eyes and I see him like yesterday standing on the stage we shared our Senior Year...He played my father and I was Alice Sycamore in "You Can't Take It With You".  His final curtain call too soon.

15 minutes ago my grandson called. "Grandma, I have something to tell you." "What is that, honey?" "Slurpee is dead." Slurpee was their pet guinea pig, but ownership belonged to my granddaughter. 
"I am so sorry, what happened? "I don't think he got enough Vitamin C. and Abby is crying. I wanted you to know.I have to go help take care of business." Aged 8 and 10, this is their first close taste of loss of a loved one.

 

Friday the 13th

I am amazed I let Friday, the 13th go by without a mention. I married my Channel Flipper on Friday the 13th  in Tokyo, Japan while he was in the Navy during the Vietnam War. As we walked into the US Embassy we both commented that we were glad it was Saturday the 14th. Hah! Neither of us had done the Time Zone equations.We wouldn't have waited anyway.. it took almost a year to save enough money to fly and meet him, he was in port for only a short time and love was raging. We opened the door and the largest calender I'd ever seen said FRI, MAR 13th. We just looked at each other and started to laugh. It has been our lucky number ever since and yes, we always use 13 on lottery tickets..winning once in a while ($8.00) power ball. Very once in a while.

Tonight I watched my daughter sing in a double quartet singing The Star Spangled Banner acapella at a church function . It was great. The simple things in life. No cameras, producers, re-takes and commercial breaks; just real people giving what they have to you.

It's Name Is Ledge

Since it sounds ridiculous and isn't easy to spell, let alone the looks I get when I say "epiglottis" I will from here on refer to it as "the ledge". That's what I always thought it was, how I referred to whatever it was that was causing me to choke, cough and sometimes aspirate (that is scary). 
Tonight I must say farewell to my favorite Busch's Baked Beans. No matter how well you chew they have such a fine skin that can easily attach to your ledge like it did mine.Frightening moment grabbing water and trying to gulp but couldn't.. remember, gulping can cause you to aspirate and I was already doing that.  Yes, definitely noted in the diet journal.

Today was not the stormy day they forecast, it decided to splinter around the state and pass by sometime tonight. It was beautiful, warm enough to leave the sweater home but cool enough to put a swing in your step. I got fascinated in a parking lot watching this large machine with a hammer drill on the end, poke holes and knock chunks out of the recently vacated FYI Music Store. (Now where am I going to sell my used CD's?) There is something about watching destruction. Things going up are not nearly as interesting as things being knocked down.

Wouldn't you know it?

Wouldn't you know it? First thing I got up this morning I learned that Utah (Southern) had an earthquake as well.. a 4.3. I thought things only happened in three's.


It is another Pepto Bismol day today. Thank goodness for my Butter Flavored Puffs; no matter how my stomach feels I can have some to stem the cramps or nausea. I have no idea why but they work for me. Dehydration is starting again; before I got sick I loved water and now I don't even think to drink it. I will carry it around in the car and not take the lid off. I used to drink 2-3 bottles a day of Strawberry Kiwi Crystal Light until I learned the ingredients, The other flavored waters I've tried just don't have the taste I seem to need. I am wondering if  a watered down Kool Aid would work? Not overly sweet but more flavor than the waters?  Thinking, thinking. I may just try it.


I wish life were simpler, that just one thing was wrong and just one diet would fix it, but I also wish someone would send me a million dollars. I try not to waste too much time on wishes but rather on  achievements; getting myself from here to there.

Can't Sleep

Sorry, I am having trouble getting to sleep tonight. The mind just won't  mellow out for me.


Within the past 24 hrs there has been an 8.6 earthquake in Indonesia, a 6.5 in Mexico and a 5.9 off the coast of Oregon. I am terrified of earthquakes. I didn't give them much thought until I lived in Japan for a year during the Vietnam War from Feb 1970 to March 1971. Japan averages 3 quakes a day, I know I felt on an average of 1-2 a day. Your life, during those times, was to run under a doorway, a desk or to an open area if you had the time. I know what they sound like in the ocean, under your feet and being knocked back and forth in my small home. In Utah I live very near a fault; that fact is never lost on me and one of the first things we bought was earthquake insurance.
When Japan had their horrific quake and tsunami my heart broke and it took little to imagine their terror and running and ducking and praying.

A Great Day.

It has been a great day today. I woke up late, with ambition yet and ran several errands without needing assistance. IT took me 2 hrs to do 1 hrs worth of shopping but I kept it slow to not overtire and it worked. Usually, I am exhausted by mid afternoon.  I accomplished a lot today.

I was extra cautious with food and avoided trouble there. Things are looking up. I am due soon to see how my triglycerides. cholesterol, diabetes and liver is doing. I began new cholesterol pills I was unsure about and my blood sugar won't come below 175-225. Once I get those results I can better keep supplied in the right foods. I used to love eating.. Hamburgers, fries, chili, crab,,,, oh I am making myself hungry.

I was asked how I always keep so happy. It is because I love being alive. If I can't always actively participate, I share the joy of others. My family loves me h ow I am, how could I ever complain when so loved.

The Bridge Down The Line

If I seem distracted I am typing this while listening to local talk radio and crazy people are distracting, especially when you can hear they are medicated in one form or another. Late night radio does that. I should know.. my radio show was always late night. You gotta love them but patience is a must.

The dentist wants to wait at least another two weeks to put in the bridge, even then if there is the tiniest discomfort he will postpone it again. After what he considers is extra reasonable time and there is still the problem we have to discuss an implant. I think, he thinks, that will be my cost. Hmmm, don't dare comment how I feel about that.He does everything for free (outside of the $2,000) I paid, am still paying for the original bridge. All revisits and temps and new temps are free.

Got stupid once again. I was starving and ate two very rich mini cupcakes. That was at 2 pm, it is now 11 pm  and I am still paying for it. Try to believe that I did not even give it a thought. before i ate them. When you always feel like you are starving and still creating your own diet, you screw up. I screwed up.

I Wish I Was In Wendover

Did you see Bubba Watson in Augusta yesterday? Wow.Never mind the forest his golf ball was in.

My dentist called me twice today. He will not put in the bridge tomorrow but wants to "sit down" with me and figure out our next move. Ohhhh I hated the sound of that. It doesn't type well either. I just know he is going to pull what was a perfectly normal tooth until he prepped it to anchor the bridge.Then what?
I wish I was in Wendover, Utah playing the penny slots right now. You can't think with all the noise and color and movement. Concentration comes later.

Beautiful Easter Morning

Ir's an incredibly beautiful Easter Morning here in Utah. In a couple of hours we will be going over to my daughter's in-laws for the annual dinner and Easter Egg Hunt. I am taking my new camera to continue the bonding. Her in-laws kind of adopted Dan and I after we lost his parents, my dad and both my lifelong foster parents all within 4 years. We now go to their house for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. At my daughter's house we have a barbecue in the summer. It's special how they've just taken us in..all the youngest those years ago treat us exactly as family they grew up with. We are so lucky.

I will have to be cautious what I eat and continue logging things down. The last few days my stomach has been better than a very long time since I'm being  careful.

However, the retreat of the root canal for the bridge is not going so well. There is still discomfort with a minor bite down. Tuesday is my appointment to again get the bridge but I have a feeling it won't happen.They called me Friday. The dentist is nervous that there may be a hairline fracture that may have occurred when he prepared the tooth to anchor the bridge.   I will hope for the best.
You should never run out of a supply of Hope. 

It's Official - I'm On The Schedule

I was tickled to see today that I am finally back on Target's schedule. Even before the medical leave I can only work 3 hr. shifts due to an on the job injury I incurred over a year ago in a freak accident between me and a large bottle of olive oil. It got knocked over and popped the base of my right thumb and destroyed the joint. I've been getting by, so far, on cortisone shots ...which I need soon since feeling better I am doing more and using the thumb which is once again screaming with pain. IF the shot works it lasts several months. Target is paying everything and the upcoming surgery when I tell them it is time and no more shots. Also, from a bad broadside and younger injury I have permanent spinal pinching and bulging discs. I live with that ok, just can't stand in one spot over 3 hrs or the leg goes numb and buckles - not too entertaining for the customers... (at Target, we refer to them as "guests", not customers.)
I cannot give up my Saltines (Premium is the top of the list for me). No dry foods. But, ahah! Don't shudder. Every morning I have a cup of Starbuck's Ice Coffee and dunk a Saltine in until it is softened and eat it. I have never choked on one and it doesn't hurt my stomach. It goes on my list of what I can eat without trouble. Oh, this journal is going to be unique indeed.
Another lesson, I will need to purchase a bag of straws. Even at home I am more often than not choking or getting water stopped midway down my throat. A straw eliminates the problem for me.
Might go the a restaurant supply house and get them real cheap. Getting sick put us in the red real fast.

A Journal

Happy Birthday, Gregory Peck. He was an incredibly handsome, talented actor. Most renowned for his portrayal of Atticus Finch in "To Kill A Mockingbird" in 1962. One of the best books ever written was by Harper Lee. When asked why she didn't write another novel, she replied that there was no way to top what she had written. She knew its worth and mark it had made on everyone who read it.
Reading her book you could smell the dust kicking up in the street, hear the wind howl and take a breath of fear of "Boo". I could not recommend it stronger.
I've begun a journal of what I eat and if it does or does not cause me to choke or to get sick and how long after eating it takes. Hopefully, after a few weeks I can take this to my primary care doctor and see if there is enough nutrition to follow my own amateur diet.  Ha, it is interesting so far. I have learned that butter & sour cream on a baked potato isn't good. Fat, I suspect. Today I learned to even one small leaf of lettuce on a bland cheese sandwich with mustard is quick to react. I think if I'd just had a mustard sandwich I'd have been ok. So all these things I am writing down.
I still have a sense of well being. I still choke easy. I learned you need to do a "chin tuck" when you swallow as it help the epiglottis close your airway. Use a straw, don't tilt your head back when drinking. See!  I am on the path!!

A New Day

How is this for a day? I saw 3 separate accidents within seconds of their occurring. Fortunately none of the three were too serious but all involved totalled cars. Things come in threes right? I should be good for a few more days.
I was so careful on what and how i ate. Until the doctor advices me on one specific one to not injure any of the other maladies I will be set. Shopping!!
It's been a hard go and long time coming to resolution. I have faith that with the right diet and following the swallowing instructions I will be back to a better, healthier self. Darn right.
I am anxious to try the camera again. I mostly write to pictures or photos that inspire a story. It is going to be a fun adventure.
This was a good day.

Patient, Heal Thyself.

Ok, I don't have the money or insurance to do all this stuff. I have hospital insurance only and that costs me over $700 a month. Now, they want to send me to an Ear, Nose & Throat Doctor. No. Plain and simple.
I spent the past few days, eyes burning, searching the Internet for answers and I got more through on-line than anyone else has given me. I can do this now. The colonoscopy literally saved my life..the endoscopy showed my stomach muscles don't work as well as they should so I need to alter my diet to accommodate this, the swallow study showed the epiglottis working at half staff so I need also to change my diet, how I eat and tilt my head when chewing, etc. Combine those with the other dietary needs of the diabetes, triglycerides, Crohn's Disease and irritable bowel and I will come up with what works for me and my body. Onward! I am armed with information.
The trip today was so fun. I actually charged my camera, pointed and clicked and got a few good pictures. I am in the early stages of camera bonding. This is the most relaxed I have been at the end of the day in a long time and it feels good.

Just Shaking My Head

I can't wrap my words around all of this frustration. I always try to keep it simple even when it's not.I was told I had a lazy epiglottis, right? Today the nurse calls to tell me that I'd already be consulted on what to do. What? She had the report; it said I was told about the condition and that I was to eat a bite and then drink, eat a bite and then drink. (I drank Barium, I wasn't drunk..those words were never spoken.) I should eat lubricated foods.What? The nurse didn't even know what that meant. It was pure Twilight Zone. Never again will I be the first patient in the morning..over half the report was fiction. Now we are back to, well, the doctor isn't in again today but we'll call you tomorrow and straighten this all out.
I have diabetes, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, Crohn's disease, gastroparesis and an epiglottis that doesn't like to work. Each requires a special diet and most conflict with the other ailments. Help.
So, tomorrow is another day, another piece of this crazy puzzle. If we can just connect all the dots I will be smiling like a fool.
My daughter, grandkids and I are running away for a few hours tomorrow. There is a store about an hour away that has a huge candy selection at old time prices for the kids and renowned odds and end of every kind for us. It will be fun and a nice change. Smith and Edwards is the store.
Peace and Joy.