A Journal

Happy Birthday, Gregory Peck. He was an incredibly handsome, talented actor. Most renowned for his portrayal of Atticus Finch in "To Kill A Mockingbird" in 1962. One of the best books ever written was by Harper Lee. When asked why she didn't write another novel, she replied that there was no way to top what she had written. She knew its worth and mark it had made on everyone who read it.
Reading her book you could smell the dust kicking up in the street, hear the wind howl and take a breath of fear of "Boo". I could not recommend it stronger.
I've begun a journal of what I eat and if it does or does not cause me to choke or to get sick and how long after eating it takes. Hopefully, after a few weeks I can take this to my primary care doctor and see if there is enough nutrition to follow my own amateur diet.  Ha, it is interesting so far. I have learned that butter & sour cream on a baked potato isn't good. Fat, I suspect. Today I learned to even one small leaf of lettuce on a bland cheese sandwich with mustard is quick to react. I think if I'd just had a mustard sandwich I'd have been ok. So all these things I am writing down.
I still have a sense of well being. I still choke easy. I learned you need to do a "chin tuck" when you swallow as it help the epiglottis close your airway. Use a straw, don't tilt your head back when drinking. See!  I am on the path!!

A New Day

How is this for a day? I saw 3 separate accidents within seconds of their occurring. Fortunately none of the three were too serious but all involved totalled cars. Things come in threes right? I should be good for a few more days.
I was so careful on what and how i ate. Until the doctor advices me on one specific one to not injure any of the other maladies I will be set. Shopping!!
It's been a hard go and long time coming to resolution. I have faith that with the right diet and following the swallowing instructions I will be back to a better, healthier self. Darn right.
I am anxious to try the camera again. I mostly write to pictures or photos that inspire a story. It is going to be a fun adventure.
This was a good day.

Patient, Heal Thyself.

Ok, I don't have the money or insurance to do all this stuff. I have hospital insurance only and that costs me over $700 a month. Now, they want to send me to an Ear, Nose & Throat Doctor. No. Plain and simple.
I spent the past few days, eyes burning, searching the Internet for answers and I got more through on-line than anyone else has given me. I can do this now. The colonoscopy literally saved my life..the endoscopy showed my stomach muscles don't work as well as they should so I need to alter my diet to accommodate this, the swallow study showed the epiglottis working at half staff so I need also to change my diet, how I eat and tilt my head when chewing, etc. Combine those with the other dietary needs of the diabetes, triglycerides, Crohn's Disease and irritable bowel and I will come up with what works for me and my body. Onward! I am armed with information.
The trip today was so fun. I actually charged my camera, pointed and clicked and got a few good pictures. I am in the early stages of camera bonding. This is the most relaxed I have been at the end of the day in a long time and it feels good.

Just Shaking My Head

I can't wrap my words around all of this frustration. I always try to keep it simple even when it's not.I was told I had a lazy epiglottis, right? Today the nurse calls to tell me that I'd already be consulted on what to do. What? She had the report; it said I was told about the condition and that I was to eat a bite and then drink, eat a bite and then drink. (I drank Barium, I wasn't drunk..those words were never spoken.) I should eat lubricated foods.What? The nurse didn't even know what that meant. It was pure Twilight Zone. Never again will I be the first patient in the morning..over half the report was fiction. Now we are back to, well, the doctor isn't in again today but we'll call you tomorrow and straighten this all out.
I have diabetes, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, Crohn's disease, gastroparesis and an epiglottis that doesn't like to work. Each requires a special diet and most conflict with the other ailments. Help.
So, tomorrow is another day, another piece of this crazy puzzle. If we can just connect all the dots I will be smiling like a fool.
My daughter, grandkids and I are running away for a few hours tomorrow. There is a store about an hour away that has a huge candy selection at old time prices for the kids and renowned odds and end of every kind for us. It will be fun and a nice change. Smith and Edwards is the store.
Peace and Joy.

Epiglottis..

Epiglottis..funny word I always laughed at. It happens to  be a source  of some of my troubles. I did xrays of my swallowing yesterday and had difficulties getting down 3 various barium drinks and a type of thick graham cookie. All the technician would say was that I had a "lazy epiglottis". It's basically like a tiny bridge that opens when you eat to protect your airway and lungs. Mine doesn't like to open and is slow about it which explains why I've been aspirating, choking pieces of food, can't breathe at night...a lot of things. I have to wait until Monday for the doctors to read the entire results and what they say can or can't be done. I've read you can see a speech therapist to try and strengthen the muscles and get it working better again. I've read a lot of things since yesterday morning. Some of it scares me. Some of it leaves me thinking we have a chance to improve a lot of things.

Parkinson's Disease is in the family and has shadowed me with fear since I was an early teen. This is a symptom but as far as I could tell I have none of the other symptoms. I am relieved they finally found a solid reason for my swallowing issues as 2 separate doctors failed to see it or take me serious. If I had not pushed the issue last week, the specialist was going to settle with nothing "physically" wrong with me that would affect the airway and choking. Guess what?  She was dead wrong. That part makes me so angry..if you saw the patronizing way she looked at me after giving me the results of the endoscopy and colonoscopy when I said there is something else, something missed that is causing me this trouble. She insinuated it could be psychological. I am eager to speak with her directly. This, unchecked, could turn into something very serious if it isn't treated correctly. Stand your ground.

Bridge in the Drawer for Now

Well, my new bridge is in their drawer. They decided to retreat the root canal under the anchor tooth which meant 2 1/2 hrs of drilling, adjusting posts, 6 xrays, 6 bouts of hydrochloride into the root to kill any germ or bacteria. You know the smell of Clorox? That is the taste of the hydrochloride. Nasty! Dr. said there has to be a reason that after a root canal I am still tender to touch and chew so they looked and poked and looked and drilled. Now, we wait. If the pain goes away - Hooray! I get my bridge. If it does not, he said there is no alternative to seeing an oral surgeon to approach my root from the bottom down. I simply cannot afford then and refuse to think about it right now. Thinking happy thoughts and a good outcome. There is no room for any more negativity.

Getting some people wanting me back on talk radio. I do miss it horribly. I've been thinking about looking into doing a pod cast from the house a couple nights a week. If it is not too expensive or hard to do that may be the way to go. I know I could get a few advertisers. I am looking into it. Being on radio was the best job I ever had.. I still get on every couple of weeks for about an hour. Love it.. it is in the blood.

The bridge to nowhere. Got a call this morning just as I was heading out the door that my bridge wasn't ready and rescheduled for tomorrow morning. This afternoon I got a call from them that they are concerned that I still have pain in the anchor tooth.They did a root canal on it last August so after all this time they're afraid something is going on.. like an extra root? Anyway, tomorrow, instead of my fancy bridge, Novocaine and pain .But if they can take away the throb when I chew, great. Just a little delay.
Listen to me. I sound like some moaning, groaning mutant. I am a happy person. I take things in stride and make the best of bad situations. People like to be around me in real life. A lot of things have come together at the same time. I am sorry. There are always brighter days and I loved every one of them, even the bad days have a learning experience. Sometimes you just have to look for them.

Not sure what is going on but so exhausted today I spent most of the day in bed, not sleeping but keeping my eyes closed, listening to television and feeling yucky from head to toe. No fever.Maybe it all caught up to me. Not 10 minutes sleep all day but hours of rest.
Tomorrow, or I guess today, I get the new bridge in my mouth. Wow, 12 months later. I won't know what to do being able to chew on my right side. If it goes well, I may summon the courage to look for cavities and get everything done asap. In a couple of nights it will be fun for my facebook friends but I don't know about me. I had an old water pik for flossing but every single time I used it water sprayed everywhere including my eyes. So I went out and bought a better new one without a dangly cord to trip me up. In a couple of days I will give it a try.
Hoping to hear VERY soon from the doctor with a schedule for my swallowing test. It's been far too long too keep me unwell, malnourished and stressed. I am sure it won't be long now. Second week of April and I will work 2 days at Target to test my stamina and increase as I get better.
Take care. Peace and Joy.

I walked in my space today, sat on the couch and spent a good deal of time trying to make sense of this Gastroparesis Diet. It's best to wait til Monday when they contact the Dr. and find out once and for all did I also have GERD because if so, half the diet will go out the window and if not, I've been taking meds for several years that I didn't need to.
Don't let all this worry you. The point is, question everything. If it doesn't make sense to you, ask your doctor to simplify it until you do. If it still doesn't, don't hesitate, get a 2nd opinion. I only know of one perfect being on this earth and it was Jesus Christ. All are capable of mistakes. I have saved my own life at least twice by not trusting the feeling I had and got a 2nd opinion.
Still say, Pepto Bismol is king.

It has been a crazy day. Everything planned fell through and small emergencies took over. I was able to get in at the last minute to get "light box" for my rare lymphomatic skin cancer (have I ever mentioned that? I better look back) and as I walked back to my car, my daughter called in despair. A one hour dentist visit turned into over 3 hours with a cavity under her crown deep into the bone. So for once I was the one helping out, running for meds and comfort goodies. I bought her a small basket and filled it with puzzles, candy, lip gloss and,,, Drum Roll, Please....Cadbury Cream Eggs.
Still a little out of it, I drove my grand angels to their Karate Class and home via 7-11 for slurpees, cream cheese taquitos and chips.
Lymphomatoid Papulosis. My diagnosis in 1997, It is very rare, no known cause and no cure but various treatments. Many doctors still have not heard of it. It was named in the mid 1970's. The disease alone will not kill me, but it increases my chances of Non Hodgkins by 30%.  Blood tests every 3 months and 6 methotrexate pills a week, plus the narrow band rays in a light box have helped me keep in in a lower grade. That is for another day. Some have it worse than others, there's different ways of manifestation on the skin.
Dan is still limping and wore another patch tonight but it looks to be decreasing in swelling.
Sorry, if I was all over the map tonight. Still jittery from an active day.

Dan's discomfort is easing a titch. (spell check will love that) but his knee has doubled in size. Last night we wrapped a Tylenol Heat Patch on it and he said that made the night easier to get through. He wants to try again tonight. Since the injury occurred while he was on a job I have begun filling out a worker's comp application should he need xrays or further treatment. Getting him to a doctor is unbelievably difficult. We are talking about a guy who stitches his own wounds. Yeah.

I feel some progress has been made meeting with the Dr. today but alas, I need to have another couple of tests to check out my esophagus and swallowing functions. Also the stomach muscles may not be moving at the normal pace which slows down digestion. I heard much about the importance of water and being hydrated. Eat 6 times a day, have a glass of water with each meal. I was surprised to learn that immediately I must stop milk, cheese, red meat and high fructose corn syrup (which promotes constipation) and a host of other things. She gave me a sample dietary plan. I will share more with you. Not consuming milk also includes cream soups which are my favorite. Ah, well, at least we are finally moving forward.

Oh, yes, 3 of those polyps were pre-cancerous for sure. She said I don't know what made you decide to have your colonoscopy, but it was good you did. The scariest part of the whole issue is that my own proctologist from 2001 told me last year I didn't need another one for a few more years, instead of the recommended every 10 years.  My intestinal infection saved my life.

Just a check in to say hello and sorry that I am quite tired tonight. Dan fell down a flight of stairs yesterday and the pain is shooting through his right side..from the shoulder, hip, knee and ankle. He is refusing so far to see a doctor thinking a couple days of rest will work but I doubt it. I hate to see him suffer like that.
Tomorrow is my day at the doctors. I am nervous. I want answers that will help me, not more of tests and let;s try this and that. I've been there. I need to eat and get strong. Target is wonderful but I need money desperately. Desperately. Let's cross our fingers.

Stick with me, please.  I've had a strong inspiration i know will help all of us.
After I meet with the specialist and learn my limitations and dietary requirements I will share them with all of you. I know there are thousand across the world with stomach and digestion issues, many who can't afford to see the dietitian or learn what to do.  I hope to help.
Afterwards, I will open another blog dedicated to those of us who could learn from each other. I will visit local eateries and list foods that are beneficial and those to avoid. Place that can cater to those with tender tummies, etc. I think it will be fun and educational and help us lighten the burden of living with this discomfort.  We can do it. I only hope you will be with me. When I finally get my new camera out of the bag and memory cards installed and charged it will be fun to include pictures of the foods at the different locations. I have a very good feeling about it.
This blog will remain for my craziness, updates and confidences to you just as before.  I will let you know. This could be the start of a great relationship.

I am trying so hard not to be sad or negative but it is hard when you are starving all day long and what few items you can eat are now making you sick. Thank Goodness, I learned today that I meet with the specialist this Thursday @12:40 pm. My daughter will come with me to help me absorb it all and remember the most important things. Why did they make me wait 5 weeks? That can't be normal, can it?
My brain is getting slower and foggy. I often have to think a sentence through before I can answer.My body is screaming, "feed me". I am trying, dear body, do not give out on me as we are so close to finding the answers and fixing the problem.
Most of my facebook friends have no idea how serious things have been the past few months. I want to rant and cry and state my frustrations but we all have troubles. Some like to share them, others like to keep everything below the surface. You can't blame them.
I need my hummingbirds to entertain and enthrall me. Hope the hurry soon. You can see I am sad tonight, I am sorry. I like to keep those things secret.

We got the device hooked up and now have Netflix on the front room television. I've been paying the monthly fee for 2 years so the kids could watch movies on my computer whenever they came over. It will be fun having such a great selection of things to watch.  Now, my dilemma. I am bundled with Century Link for my phone, internet & Direct TV. I have to call to see what harm it is going to do me to drop satellite. I am sure they will raise my monthly phone rate but was locked into a plan for the internet for 5 years so...  wish me luck. The whole point is to save money where we can but it won't help much if we are heavily penalized for messing with the bundle.
Haven't checked yet, but am hoping for the tv series, "Magnum P.I.". Tom Selleck is my man.

Love Sunday evenings... The Amazing Race and The Good Wife. Wow. I love that the Race takes me around the world, though sometimes some of those racing have few endearing qualities. The Good Wife has a very good cast, made better by incredible writing that hasn't failed an episode yet. Believable dialogue with a well thought out story is everything.

Well. I've sat here for 10 minutes thinking about what to type. It has been such a gray day. The wind is still blowing and expected to increase to 50-60 mph gusts after midnight tonight as a storm front moves in. Partly cloudy skies mixed with dust, dirty cars ( mine is so splotched), ornery people and still being stomach- miserable has made for just an "iffy" day. Pepto Bismol is my best friend at the moment. In the past years I've tried Mylanta and store brands but always went back to Pepto.TMI? It shouldn't be because we all have stomachs and troubles now and then. We focus so much on the exterior that we can't talk about the interior... and that's why people get sicker than they need to be. Embarrassment or awkwardness is no excuse not to seek help when necessary because if you don't you are risking greater health drama or death. I have lost friends because they put things off til they were critical.

Trying hard not to get too concerned but all day I have been quite sick again...go back a couple of months when I couldn't eat without pain and stomach distress. I've been extra careful what I do eat to let my throat heal and see the dr. But today, things went into a nose dive and cramping and severe abdominal pain are back. Will call the doctor for a liquid diet sheet. I am in way pain, using all the creams I can but it feel like I have kerosene in me. Wouldn't wish it on an enemy.
If you have suggestions, I would be ever so grateful to hear them. It's been to long to be like this.
So, understandably it is uncomfortable to sit long tonight so keeping it short.
Thank you for being there. I have given some of you faces.

Sometimes you have a bad day and just as you are about to despair you find out that others had such a worse day. I am glad my bad day wasn't so bad.

Today is my 42nd Wedding Anniversary. Who'd have thought it? We got married in Tokyo, Japan. As we were getting out of the taxi and walking into the Embassy I told my soon to be  husband I was glad it was Saturday the 14th instead of Friday the 13th. Hah, never calculated the time zones but it wouldn't have mattered. Friday the 13th has since been our favorite day and lucky number.

The wind has been relentless today. I normally enjoy blustery days but this has kicked up some dust that won't quit. The air is brown and you can taste it by this afternoon.

Today I bought 2 Sony units and cables to hook up the tv to Netflix. Great sale at Target and my employee's discount made it affordable to our cinched budget. Direct TV costs are killing us and so much of it is now repeats and moving shows to different channels to fill the space. I have loved it and don't know yet how I can watch all of NASCAR. The adjustments will be worth the savings. I haven't cancelled yet, but am having early withdrawal.

Ouch. The swelling is almost down but the pain in my mouth is still high. For some reason the dentist did a little more drilling on what I thought was a ready anchor tooth. The temporary bridge is now in again for 3 weeks before the real one takes over. It will be nearly one year to the day since we first started to fix my tooth. Drama, drama. Ora Base works miracles on sore gums..Anbesol is good but the samples of the Ora Base was better, I think.
Hey, I forgot all about my other issues for the day. Now, that is a good thing. Like reading Entertainment Weekly (my most favorite magazine) always take my mind away.I love movies, tv, music, books and knowing the behind the scene little details.Maybe that is why I write. My life has been an ongoing adventure since I was 7 yrs old that I can remember. I keep hearing I MUST write a book about my life. I think of doing it often. It definitely would not be dull.

First time ever I forgot to set the clocks forward last night. I thought tv was bewonkers until it dawned on me. I am one of those opposed to Daylight Savings but for merely selfish reasons. I don't like it light at 10 pm. The whole thing messes with your body clock. More people are getting put off by it and every year various legislatures try to get rid of it.
It has been a year since my dentist pulled a tooth I thought was just a cracked crown. Long story short. It was fractured roots. He pulled the tooth and left bone in. After convincing him 2 weeks later that something was still there he pulled out a bone the size of a shark's tooth. You got it.. 2 more weeks later I went back and he pulled out more bone tho smaller. 4 weeks later he put in a bridge. 2 months later after much relentless pain, he pulled out the bridge. Oh, he hadn't waited long enough for the gums to heal after 3 retractions and I was hamburger. Now HE is paranoid; first time in 30 years that's happened he said, so he's made me wait since Nov. 2011 to make certain the gum is healed. Tomorrow is the day. I don't know how he is going to do it, the anchor teeth are obviously ready but hey, I want to be able to chew again. One more mistake and I want my $2,000 that I couldn't afford, back. Wish me luck. Haha, these past two months have not exactly been a cakewalk. "I get knocked down, but I get up again." Love the song.

Way to go Real Salt Lake! They won their soccer game against Beckham and the LA Galaxy tonight in L.A. Now, truthfully, I don't like soccer. Played it in junior high and got beat to a pulp. I never watched or played it even when all these years later a gorgeous, huge soccer stadium was built here in Sandy, Utah. What would happen overseas at soccer games scared me.. the violence and tragedy at GAMES for crying out loud. Never was I going to be remotely close to a game.
The came Connor, a nephew of my daughter through marriage. He was one of his high school stars and they were having a Utah State Playoff here at the Real Stadium. Would I like to come?
Crap! Had to support the family so begrudgingly went along barely daring to look at first. At first. I screamed, I jumped, I yelled. But I also heard the grunts and groans, the broken hand, the smashing of unprotected bodies colliding. All in all? I had a blast! But on the way out, I knew I would not attend another game. I don't have the make-up to be in that audience. Don't get me wrong, I totally respect the game and the players, I simply cannot watch them.
Then tonight, instead of news it was the last 30 min or so of the televised game and I almost broke my couch as Real scored 3 consecutive goals. It was great. No, I still will not attend a game in person, but surely did enjoy tonight. Note, I did not use the word never.

Sorry this will be short tonight. Lack of food is catching up and I am too weak to sit at the keyboard and don't want to talk foolish ramblings.
Please, if you have read me more than once, I'd so appreciate a comment just to let me know you are real. Gotta lay down for a while. I love all of you out there.

I didn't get up until 330 am to look outside for some solar displays. I didn't see anything but a black cat that tore past me so fast I almost fell into the front door. That was enough for me.
I am getting anxious to get back to work. I am on an experimental diet of mellow foods for now.The doc needs to determine if its fiber, dairy, meds, whatever is causing my duodenum to inflame and digestion worsen. Aw, it's such a miserable topic. I banish it. When I can eat and get my strength back I'll be happy. Legs are back, but light headedness and starving is still bad.
Moving on, tonight is the last of Utah's Legislature and once again they are scrambling like bumpkin mice to pass the final bills. Once again, some are resorting to shenanigans of closed door meetings and political bribery that has slowed things down, hence the mad dash. They never learn. Each time someone is elected they make promises and denounce the practices of those who've gone before and BAM! they want to write a bill with their name on it and renew the process of power gone awry. Everyone wants to write and pass a bill.

I love hummingbirds and was like a kid in a candy store tonight watching a documentary on the PBS Channel. I am an armchair traveler and have much respect and gratitude to those who bring the world and its' wonders to my home. The photography of these tiny souls was breathtaking. Did you know the size of their eggs is comparable to a Tic Tac? They literally hibernate at night to conserve energy. It was a fascinating fundraiser for PBS so I am hoping it will be repeated this week. Perhaps Netflix would have it or PBS.com. You would enjoy it.
Tonight is a full moon, a "worm moon" to be more exact having to do with earthworms. Don't ask, that's all I know via KSL TV's meteorologist Kevin Eubank.
I am crazy but planning to set me alarm for 245 am MDT. That is 15 minutes before they are expecting the solar explosion to first affect the east coast of the U.S. Power grids could be affected, airplane communications, Northern Lights enhanced. I probably won't see anything but want to say I tried. Not that I want anything weird and Hollywood Cosmic to happen. My life is plenty full right now, thank you.

I'm sure some of you will identify with the frustrations of packaging. You need tools just to open something. It took me an hour to get my camera and all the accessories out of the toughest plastic I've ever had to deal with. Scissors, a pen, a pocket knife, scrapes on my knuckles and plenty of bad words went into it. But, I did it. This bonding got off to a rocky start. I can laugh about it now but I was near tears a few times. What cruel mind decided to seriously embed the product? One with a perverted sense of humor.

It was over 60 degrees yesterday here in Utah, tonight it is 30 and snowing. Just 10 miles west of me they have 50+ mph winds and 7 inches of snow in the past few hours; here I have an inch at most and breezy. Yesterday, my husband saw a large, yellow butterfly, today just wind and dust before the storm. I love this place. All the seasons, all the colors and mountains as high as the sky.

I bought a camera, a Cool Pix . In the early 70's I was really into photography, self taught at developing. Before I was a police dispatcher I began taking accident /fire photos for the local paper.It was all going well until a horrible day. It was Mother's Day. I think 1976.Anyone who worked in any Sandy Dept. that day remembers the Mother's Day Electrocutions.There were so many calls it overwhelmed the 911 system. 2 friends were attempting to put up an antenna for a CB in their apartment. There were wires overhead and they made contact. Both men were electrocuted and literally impaled by the pole into the ground. It was beyond horrific..the wives and children were there and being on a main street people were grabbing their CB's as well as phones and calling 911. No one was able to disconnect the men from the voltage. I didn't have my pager so someone else took the pictures but that night, for hours, I helped another officer develop them up at the fire dept. All these years later, it takes but a second to remember every detail. Shortly after, I told the departments I would not be taking pictures anymore. The whole feel of photography buried itself inside me.
But recently my need to write is growing stronger. Two things help me. One is music and the other is pictures...from magazines, calenders, old photos, book covers, etc. I was just beginning to take my own pictures for inspiration when this happened. I gave away my camera.
Well, I have a new one I must bond with. My last camera was ancient. I hope to start again and write along with it. This is a big step for me. Thanks for letting me share this part of my life.

A girlfriend from high school took me out for some soup today and it was great. Zupa's Soup Restaurant.. they are from Utah and now have 11 restaurants. They were so good... lots of variety of soups, salads and sandwiches. I had Wisconsin Cauliflower.
And yes, I got sick an hour later. But the more I can absorb the better. I can't keep being afraid or I won't get any nutrients.
We bought a Vita Mix a few days ago. My husband thinks it will save my life and help his. It is supposed to puree all types of smoothies, soups,dressings, salsas, etc. pulp and all. I will be happier when I am able to eat those things. I'll have to tell you how it works out.
Take care,my friends, I am very tired tonight. Thanks for being there where ever you are.

It's been a grueling day so forgive me for being brief.My primary care did put me onto a bad medicine that has made all my before and after "scopes" much worse. That is what caused all this intensifying pain and inability to get food down. I am now back on my Prilosec.
I was supposed, on the day of my endoscopy, to have been put on medication and a very strict diet as they found edema in my duodenum which is inflammation and tissue damage.I learned this today because I called angry wondering why no one contacted me. 6 hours later the nurse finally did. She assumed her doctor gave me meds and assumed her doctor informed me of the inflammation and need to be on a very strict diet as it takes 6-10 weeks to heal from something like this. They have yet to figure what caused it... meds, bacteria, disease, foods? I pray the doctor can see me soon
The new med my primary put me on, Dexilant greatly made things worse...burned the inflammation. So to be honest, my pain is the same as 6 weeks ago. But at least we know the colon polyps are clear. I am angry, sad, frustrated. One doctor made me worse, the other forgot me. That is why I feel of no significance. This happens too much in my life. I am a human being, why do so many not see me? Am I invisible?

I think it is tomorrow by a minute, it feels like a day since this afternoon. I am getting sicker. Again and just a little despairing. It's been a long time since I've been well and was seriously planning on telling Target to put me on the schedule in 2 weeks but how quickly things can change. I tried the nurse 2 more times with no luck, tomorrow I will insist we speak or I'll drive up there as it is so close.
My body is back almost to the end of January. Stomach pain is more severe, I choke on liquids if I swallow too fast and it looks like the intestinal infection is beginning again. What have I learned? I don't have colon cancer and all 4 polyps are gone. Great! I know little about the endoscopy other than I had an edema and the tissue right there was clear of H pylori. I went in asking them to look for Celiac, ulcers, tumors... inflammation..what is causing all my pain and inability to eat more and more foods. They never mentioned any of that and I am worrying myself that they never did all the exams as ordered. None of those issues were addressed in the test results to my primary care. I need to treat what is wrong..this can't be good for me. The doctor, 5 weeks ago, ordered me to take a new acid reflux drug called Dexilant and I have had heartburn ever since..is that part of it?
Sorry. I really am sorry. I want to tell you all this great news but I am in pain and sad and very bewildered tonight. BUT, tomorrow is another day and hopefully I can learn more and SOMEONE will tell me what I am supposed to do.
I am glad I came here tonight. Talking to you makes it easier.

Trying to get ahold of someone to explain things. Phone tag. They found an edema in the duodenum, no H pylori. No more explanations. Eating is still difficult and very tender inside the stomach, like acid. Oh, blgh! I must stop listening to other people's guesses. They mean well but it doesn't help. The doctor needs to talk to me; she scheduled me for a consult for Mar.21.Are you kidding me? I can't live on Frito's Butter Puffs, Smucker's P&J and cheese forever. That is what I mostly eat...I want other foods but soon after I try something my stomach hurts. There, I have whined enough. Oh, and pistachios.

I succumbed to self pity yesterday worrying about the results of the polyps. I finally got the call tonight from the doctor who told me this: The 3 polyps in the upper left intestines were benign but pre-cancerous meaning every 3 yrs I will have the colonoscopy. The 4th anomaly was a very inflamed tubular ana(something) that was double checked and found to be clear! YES!!!!

Now, it will take a day or two longer to find the results of my 3 stomach biopsies to see if I have Celiac Disease, Ulcers, tumors, etc. Also, apparently, the back of my throat is not working as it should in starting the swallowing process and may be why I keep having large pieces of food slip back and fall down my throat sometimes causing me to choke or cough up solid food.
Can you imagine how much better my life can be if they can find these things and have ways to fix me so I can eat more normal foods (lol, or not if I have Celiac which I CAN live with.)
To eat without fear of choking...
AND, fingers crossed, it may also show soft tissue damage that causes the back of my throat to close when I fall asleep and either stops my breathing or startles me awake with a choking feeling. My Goodness!! My life could improve to much!!! Yes, I am excited. I don't care if Celiac is difficult, it could give me a life back. Whatever they say, I will be GRATEFUL.
My only fear and I can't shake it yet, is that they will say they found nothing and don't know what to do next. I force myself not to think of it but for a quick moment. The power of positive thinking has been proven time and again to be a marvelous healing aid.

We've had a constant wind here today gusting to 64 mph, rattling the windows and sending my bird feeder on wild rides. Lots of storms on the way this week but most are to be weak here in the valleys with most snow in the mountains. That's how I like it.
The flowers and trees are confused because it has been such a mild winter. The crocus, tulips and a variety of trees are already budding. I hope they'll make it through this craziness.

My husband is feeling guilty today. I woke up sneezing & coughing. "Honey, you did use the sanitizer those first 2 days you were sick, right? You were careful so I wouldn't catch it." "Oh, $#$$!"he says,"I forgot. I only touched the cupboards, the frig and everything. " And proceeded to Clorox it all. That was 2 days ago. We are now both sneezing, moaning and laughing. We made lemonade out of this week's lemons.

Today was one of my strongest days. I went for a nice drive cranking out the 1960's tunes and alternately listening to Sean Hannity. Topped it off with a buffet dinner with my husband who ate 3 plate fulls while I stuck to mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, popcorn shrimp and a bowl of broccoli cheese soup drowned in soup crackers.
Strength is coming back faster now.
Only side note..the doc called. They found 4 polyps not 3 and took 3 biopsies of my stomach so in a week or so I'll let you know the news. I expect it to be news I can "live" with. :)
The Utah Jazz are falling apart as they do every year since Stockton and Hornacek quit..oh, and Malone. I swear it is something in their uniforms. They start out strong and we all get hopeful and it's at that moment the bottom falls out. Why? Is Corbin too much like Sloan? I love Sloan but he couldn't control his team in the end. They are undisciplined. But I love them. Something has to drastically change. Corbin,. is it you? I just don't know. Go, Jazz. Win!

Great to have the scopes over with. It went well and was a piece of cake. It is true that the worst part is the colon cleansing the night before. It is not painful or embarrassing. My first one was 10 yrs ago. What a difference a decade makes! You go to sleep so quickly that it almost feels like you just nodded off. Of course they want you to recommend the procedure to all you can to save many that did not have to die from colon cancer. My niece died last year from it.
Highlighting it all is this; the doctor found 3 polyps that were removed and are being biopsied. I am praying for the best.
Very soon I hope to be through with this darn medical stuff. I don't like to bother other people and keep a lot to myself.. haha, so I blog it. That doesn't make sense but it does help. I think. Sometimes I think I am nuts to be doing this.

Good news/bad news.I got a call this morning and the dr. had a cancellation so tommorow afternoon (I guess it is tomorrow my time already) I go in the the scopes. I've been drinking nasty meds all night to they can clearly see the colon. More tomorrow morning. I am so anxious...here I've been so hungry for weeks only eating bizarre foods and now nothing for 2 days.
However, I've been told the test is so fast and simple and after the mild sedation wears off you can actually go out to eat. Man, I'd like burnt toast right now. OH, the hunger pangs!!
Just think I would have had to wait until Mar. 28th for this. 5 weeks more. This is a blessing. Please think happy thoughts that they won't find anything..or if they do, something I can be cured of. Prayers do work miracles.

I realized today March Madness will soon be upon us. It does become a wild and crazy time but exciting to watch. Are any of you overseas who cannot keep track? If so, just ask and I will do my best to help you when it begins.
There's no place like home when these events occur.
Dan is pretty sick tonight, he hasn't had a cold in a couple of years and this hit out of the blue.Wow, when he sneezes I jump nearly every time. Hope it clears quickly as he has a couple of jobs in the cold which wont' help.
Take care my friends. If you come back once in a while, please leave a comment. Feeling a little lonely here at times.

I have done next to nothing today. It was a day of channel flipping, trying to nibble a little now and then and staying in the jammies.
Oh, I did get some good news: the liver and pancreas blood tests came back within normal limits.It looks like those fun "scopes" will be the greatest source of info.
Time to write some notes.

What a great NASCAR shootout tonight! Large wrecks, drama as the teams learn the new rules and driving the altered cars. Kyle Busch is not one of my favorites but he certainly deserved the win tonight. It was fun to watch.
As soon as I get back on par I am going to be making some changes on the blog. It is old fashioned, doesn't have the music up right and I want it where it can get out more and get some comments in return. It's lonely having a blog all by yourself.
I will keep you informed how it goes. I feel good about it.
It's supposed to snow tomorrow pretty good. It will be the first time we have had to use the snow blower this year. Just hope people remember how to drive in snow, they forget as soon as the road gets covered.

Do you believe in ghosts or spirits? I suppose if I said I do, half of you (if there are any) would exit the post now. Life is a risk. Yes, I do but that is for another day. I will tell you of the two times I saw 2 distinct apparitions in my home about 15 years apart...such vivid dress and detail it's emblazoned in my mind.
Of all the things to be crazy about I must say I can barely tolerate the GEICO squealing pig commercials. I can't change the channel soon enough; that is not a good indicator of making a wise choice in selecting that to represent your company no matter how silly they like to be.
The Energizer Bunny ads weren't half as irritating. Which irritated you the most of the two?
On that happy note, goodnight.

It is 12:44 am, Utah time but I had to get back on briefly. Someone asked me tonight if I had listed my Bucket List. To those unaware, it is a list that some people create of things they want to do before they die. Now, first of all, what kind of person would ask me that? They are already assuming I am going to die from this and giving me no chance to take the tests and go for a cure. Bucket list? IF I were ever to feel the need, it would be more of a post-it-note list. I have lived through much, seen much in Japan during the Vietnam War...have little money but am without price when it comes to the worth of my husband, daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. I do not intend on receiving a death sentence with my ill health but even if I did I would have no list. I would want to spend all of my time with laughter, love and association with what brings me great joy.. my family. I don't care to climb mountains, be in airplanes, kayak down rapids or walk the ancient ruins. I thank the Lord for giving us people with the ambition,nerve and desire to go to the Amazon, the Nile, the Greek Ruins, the Galapagos Islands, the volcanoes, etc. I love watching their experiences and am grateful for them. Think... God has given us tens of thousands of people whose love is to film and share the wonders of the world with those who will never have the opportunity to see them. Thank you. I am content to live through your eyes.

They drew blood today to check the pancreas and liver. I now am scheduled for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy at the end of March. I am on the cancellation list to try and get it done sooner. The doctor that will do it has a great reputation. I've heard the medicine you have to drink is the worst part so I am not so afraid. Hah! Of course I say that now but how will I feel then?

I am getting anxious for NASCAR to start. I wish someone else in the family enjoyed watching it as much as I do. I record it when I can't watch it live, avoid the news then watch it later in the evening. I have a few favorite drivers and a couple I don't like but for the most part I enjoy all of them. I seldom watch the Indy races because it makes me so nervous. After seeing the crash and horrific death of Dan Whedon last year just reinforced it; even though the decision to race on that track should never have been made. Tragic.

Peace and Joy to the world.

Well, it is official. I am on a medical leave of absence from Target.Now it is time to get more work done and deal with what I have to do. I am certain I have to schedule an endoscopy and possibly a colonoscopy. Feeling sorry for me yet? (sigh) If you do...don't. There are always so many things that are worse. Tragedies are everywhere and I am grateful for to be where I am in life but could sure use a lottery win. This economy is harder on us than my health.
Today it snowed, rained and was sunny. You've got to love Utah.

Well, I see the doc Thurs but heard from 2 parties today it would be best to take a health leave of absence until I am thoroughly diagnosed and treated. They think there's other serious issues going on and specialized tests are needed. I need to decide within 2 days. Drats. I was wishing for much better news. Oh well, I will do what is best as I have a lot of living to do.
I am dying for NASCAR racing to begin. Funny, how I never watched it until 2001. I was very ill (wouldn't you know it) and couldn't get off the couch. It was the day Dale Earnhardt was killed in the crash and I watched it all for hours. I was hooked. I've barely missed a race; if I have to work I record it and watch it when I get home. It's amazing how fit and strong the drivers are, among the best of athletes.
I get frustrated with people who say who wants to watch cars go in left hand turns. They have no idea what goes into racing... and the dangers, the strategy... I love it.
I have a secret fear that these upcoming tests may show cancer. Please pray for good outcomes. I will, of course, keep you posted. You are the ones I tell... most is my secret from everyone.
The best is to keep focusing on tomorrow.

This is just a side note/request to feed my paranoia and fear of being alone. You don't have to make a comment or criticize, but if you think of it when it comes to comment, would you mind once in a while just posting a hello, or a I am here or a Hey. If not, that's okay. Loneliness is a ground I often step on.. minimal words would give me a more stable foundation. Love you.

I was unable to go to work but tonight went to my granddaughter's 5th grade school play which I wouldn't have missed for the world. She loves being on stage and that thrills me. I was on stage all through Jr and High School, my mom sang in local night clubs and my maternal grandmother sang on the Utah Stage. I was told my great grandmother also was a performer who knew the legend of those days, "Maud Adams". I wrote a play 10 years ago that was performed for the ward and then the stake (LDS). I want to submit it for roadshows.
Tomorrow is tax day and my already sick stomach is doing flip flops. I hate tax day. A few disasters in the past have made me totally paranoid every year. We've been so poor and had such a hard year, I fear for what they may want us to pay. Gees, I need a pill now, just to chill and try to sleep.

Today I was able to go to my daughter's performance at her church in a quartet singing, "Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing". It was great; I am biased but truthful. Very proud.
She just turned 40 and isn't happy about it; she looks 30.
Wish I could say more tonight, but things aren't feeling well so I am going to retreat early and simply rest. I am supposed to go to work tomorrow for the first time in a while... please wish me well.

Doing better, ate a Smucker's peanut butter and strawberry frozen sandwich, one ice coffee, 8 saltine crackers, and about 15 butter puffs by Cheetos. Yeehah, that is progress!
I slept for 5 hours straight last night.
Today was the Powell children's funeral. I was glad to hear they were buried together in the same casket, an eternal bond. I pray so hard they will still be able to find their mom, Susan. The Cox's deserve to have their family closure and yet, have the peace of heart knowing they are all united in Heaven. God bless the police and all agencies trying to bring her home.
RIP Whitney Houston who passed away this afternoon at the young age of 48. Still no known cause released but I can't imagine her years of drug addiction didn't somehow come to play. Does no one learn through the tragedy of others? Always so heartbreaking. So much talent silenced far too soon.
Do they know how much their lives touch so many or has drugs removed that ability from them?

Our warm winter in Utah this year is nice but confusing for the birds and trees. Yesterday, out my front room window I saw robins, finches, woodpeckers, starlings and 2 yellow chickadees. We have trees and a bird bath which they all wanted part of at the same time. I walked into the back yard and it was like Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". There had to have been 25-30 large black birds in one tree, making "caw caw" sounds that were eerie.
Tomorrow night on our local KSL television they are replaying the opening ceremony of the Utah 2002 Winter Olympics for the 10 yr anniversary. I wonder if you can stream it off KSL.com.Please check it out if you can. It will begin at 10:35 pm Mountain Time. It was pure magic and I am anxious to see it again.
Yes, still sick. Infection should be cleared by now but the stomach won't let me eat without cramping and pain. That is the 2nd half of fixing me up. Looks like I will have to have an endoscopy so they can look down the throat and into the abdomen to check for tumors, anything that can be causing this as I am sorely lacking in nutrients. I am sure it won't be long and I will get back to writing for my Kathy-Simply Me blog and getting out in the sun
I want to get back to my part time work at Target but too weak from weeks down. It will take a bit, but I am slowly getting upright without tipping over.
Love you. Peace and Joy to your life.

I wish this was a post of what a wonderful Super Bowl Sunday I had yesterday. I was able to spend hours with the grand kids and family. It was great to be out of the house and with them, their constant busy, cherished fun moments.
Then it happened, the breaking news across our screen that Josh Powell had perished in a house explosion and the bodies of 2 young boys were recovered. No! There was no way it was going to be his 2 boys, they weren't in his custody. But, you know the story by now, it is everywhere.
I have been praying for their mom, Susan Powell, to be found dead or alive and be brought home since she disappeared Dec. 2009.
I have a million words in my head, but a broken heart that can't express them all. It is all so overwhelming when it is so close to home.
It is mind boggling that they died in the explosion and fire but just an hour ago we learned that he attacked both boys with a hatchet before the carbon monoxide killed them. Josh appeared to have no trauma. His trauma will be eternal.

Still hanging in there but it is looking like I won't make the full 10 days of Cipro. That is one powerful drug.
RIP Helena W. We lost a long time plumbing customer yesterday. She was a character, in her 80's and outspoken. I just learned she was on the stage in her early years and was quite the activist in many state and local issues..long before women really did that in Utah.
Sorry this is so short but just not up to par tonight.

Re:WalMart. I called today & they said I still owed and there was no record of payment. I sent the 2nd check off today but was told I will be charged a late fee. If I say the name "Calvin" they will probably (grr) waive the fee. They said the mgr at the store could not have called the right number as they are open 24/7 and not one dept. says it is now closed. Let's hope I get it waived. Man, a $39 fee for a $27 bill that was paid on time but technology went wonkers.

Also, the doctor called today. They found white blood cells which is bad news. I have a bad intestinal bacterial infection and had to immediately start "Cipro" which is a strong antibiotic.All the warning material scared the heck out of me. Funny, bad stomach get treated with pills that give you a bad stomach and can GIVE you an intestinal bacterial infection! I cried and cried. The pharmacist said the risk of the side affects were worth it to kill the bacteria which could lead to even more serious disease. Wow, that cheered me up. So, please think happy thoughts for me.

If no one said they loved you today that stops now. I love you and don't even know if you are there.

I had to make a quick trip to WalMart today, which I usually avoid as much as possible for a myriad of reasons but my payment was due today..being sick I've screwed my bill pile up and paying for it. They take my check, the machine endorses it, I sign that it was for the correct amount and hit "Ok."The clerk then pulls out a small paper that has printed that my transaction has been denied. 2 clerks later and no one working in their billion dollar offices on a Sunday..I still don't know what happened nor do they.. yet. Did they take my money & my bill is paid since they endorsed it or did the denial of accepting it cancel it out and will they then try to charge me $39.00 late fee? I can hardly wait to call and be put on hold forever tomorrow and find out. Sigh.

I know life is full of bumps in the road; sometimes it's the small, sharp rock that gets you.

I had a great day today. I was able to meet my daughter and granddaughter to help pick out school clothes. Thank you medicine for helping me through it, I enjoyed it so much. We went to Target and Shopko where Abby found some really cute outfits and at 10 yrs of age she knows the importance of a "deal" and got 2 for 1 twice. She is tall and still growing.. heads and shoulders above most classmates. Volleyball is suiting her well.
Almost every time I see Mitt Romney I remember the 2002 Winter Olympics here in SLC. It was an exhilarating but terrifying time after 9/11. There were blackhawk helicopters flying all over all the time. My police scanner picked up most of the security. Everything went so smooth..without major incidents and I fully credit Romney for it's tremendous success. He is an incredible business man, leader and unifier. People don't see the real deal. Just hoping for the best.
Peace and joy... to anyone out there.

Yes, sick has interferred again but that's ok. Saw the doctor today and they're running new tests and I may end up needing a colonoscopy (had one in 2001) and endoscopy to see what is making it so hard to eat and stomach pain. I guess my intense back pain is from dehydration and the muscles retracting or something like that. At least we're working on getting fixed.

Last night's debate was one of the best. Romney seemed on more solid ground and Gingrich had moments of discomfort.They needed to confront each other better. Rick has flashes and Ron is incredible. He will never be president because of his foreign policy but I admire him so much. He is so "off the cuff" and reasonable. Wow, did I say reasonable about someone running for office?

I did not want Obama early in the primaries but ONLY because I had seen he had so little actual experience and no foreign policy and especially because as a senator he only voted "present" on many issues that came up - he NEVER voted on any of a number of issues. You can't just look good and read good and suddenly be a good president, he needed more years. BUT, he was elected and I am a darn proud American. The Dems on TV are wrong to keep asserting that Republicans are racist if they don't like Obama. OH!, I am neither. I am uncommitted. I vote for the PERSON and the ISSUE. No party line will dictate to me how I vote. I think for myself. I wish more would do that and rid us of the electoral college whose voice counts, not ours.

Well, I worked 2 out of 3 hrs.Yikes, they could see I was still wobbly and let me off an hour early which I appreciated. I love Target.
So, 24 hrs of GOP Debate and State of the Union. I am "blah blah blahed" out...that is the result of too many debates.Wordings don't change, voice inflection does.
I'd like to seem a fist slam on the podium, faces to go red and DETAILS of how they are going to resolve their issues... Not, I will... I can.. HOW will you?
Politicians are not running on a full charge.

Little time tonight, crazy day..just getting strength back and backlogged errands to run. Tomorrow I got back to work after over 3 wks sick and am nervous. I have rounded up all my positive thoughts to wrap myself in. If I don't eat and keep drinking Gatorade, maybe a munch of a Vanilla Wafer I might make it.
The Utah Legislature began today and my mind is over flowing with frustration after just Day One but I am weary.I refer to their first day as "Puffery Peacock Pontificating".

Still sick but really enjoyed today and the 2 playoff football games. I don't have one team that is a favorite; I just love the game.When I watch one I will cheer them all on..but by the end of the 3rd quarter I usually lean one way for that particular game. I wanted the Ravens today. Alas. I was torn on the 49ers and Giants and would have been happy for either. The Cowboys is the only team I like the least and the owner has lots to do with it. His arrogance in his demeanor and the Babel's Tower of a Stadium just make you step back and wonder what he's thinking. How can their team play with all that bling shining in their eyes? Arrogance is not an attribute, it is a handicap.
I was on the radio twice this week; sometimes I miss it so much I ache. But with it comes all the trappings and craziness I've been away from. If I could get well enough, I want to have a podcast twice a week. Happy plans for the future makes today more exciting.

Money is getting so tight now I think shortly we will have to give up our Direct TV and go with Netflix. I hear the box you need is about $100 and cost of streaming tv and movies is about $9.00 per month.Right now we are paying about $80 and the choices are dwindling. Direct TV is now playing tv shows, repeats, on satellite and choice are declining. It isn't what it was. I hate this economy and what it has done and continues to do to innocent people while the real criminals who caused it and those who knew and stood by are hardly touched and not severely punished. Those who KNEW they were deceiving their people should serve jail time AND lose most of their possessions to repay those they've destroyed.
Still sick..guess I am just frustrated and scared... like so many others. YOU are not alone.

Always listen to that still, small voice. Tonight, tho sick, I decided to shower and let the warm water ease the aching. I was getting light headed so quickly turned the shower off..something felt wrong and that voice made me look. I'd turned the valve onto its hottest setting by mistake. With no time to spare I was able to twist and shut if off before being scalded.
My husband, a plumber, told me later that it was because I was in the shower... it takes 2-3 sec for the hot to reach the shower head. Had it been in the tub, the heat would have been almost instant.
If we added up all our close calls, we would have a greater appreciation for our lives. We tend to forget them and move on.Never forget the extra time a close call gave you.

Wow, this getting better is harder than I thought. Still can't work. No strength at all and can't eat much. The methotrexate butchers your immune system and makes getting better more difficult.But, the mtx has helped me keep my low grade Lymphoma low for about 10 years now so I dare not complain.
It's been so long since Salt Lake has had a good winter storm that the local media is going a bit nuts over the series of storms finally headed our way.You'd think it was an ice storm or something apocalyptic. Kind of cute, tho, as they've been getting bored reporting no weather for weeks. :)
The power flickered a half hour ago so the flashlight is right here beside me. Last month we were out twice in a week for over 6 hours each time...ended up it was some bad connection. This is pure weather.
Take care, peace and joy. Wish me well..good thoughts work wonders.

We're finally getting some snow. Once again, the minute it snows, all driving knowledge goes out the window and people slide off or roll down embankments. Fortunately no serious injuries...this time.Last year an above average number of State Highway Patrolmen were injured investigating car accidents.
More storms are coming with most of the snow going in the mountains and rain down here; that is how I prefer.Water supply is happy, driving isn't so frightening.
I love living in Utah and having such beautiful 4 seasons.

Spent the whole day watching NFL football with the Channel Flipper. It was fun; we did nothing but munch and stayed in jammies all day. This week will be very busy for him and Tuesday is my first day back at Target after missing 9 work days. Lots of fluid, I know.

Today, I got out of the house for a little shopping.It felt great, another couple days and things should be back to my irregular normal.
The haze is building up again in the Salt Lake Valley. When it gets real bad you can taste it. I get so frustrated because one of the largest contributors to the pollution is a company called Mag Corp. or Magnesium Corp, just west of the Great Salt Lake. They're using a 100 yr old stack for burning and it releases chlorine into the air. They change their name every 7-10 yrs after paying fines but not one Governor has seriously enforced their constant breaches. Someone named "Ira B." who is a multi-multi millionaire and doesn't live here has never been accountable. One day.
One day someone who fess up, heads will roll, the stack will come down and a new , safer one will replace it. But for now, the politicians are somehow afraid of this man. Can you hear the sound of money?

Today was bizarre. I've missed 6 days of work now with the stomach flu and lower back spasms. Going to try work today but the constant side movement while cashiering may kill. Wish me luck, I make a low wage but every penny counts.
Tonight,groggy from little sleep all week and starving, I put the salt in the frig and the macaroni salad in the cupboard right after checking the tv log for Thursday instead of Wed. Funny how when you've been sedate for days your brain freezes. Sorry, I sort of fibbed. I can't blame it all on being sedate. Both hubby, daughter and now grandkids know that grandma is lots of fun but sometimes she just gets befuddled..so before you make a judgement here - I've been like this for many years. They laugh, thank goodness. I am their source of entertainment sometimes.
Health is iffy today and breathing doesn't come easy; when someone removes the piano on my chest things will improve. I love you who ever and whereever you are. It is so nice to have someone to talk to.

Since I wrote in 2009 my daughter was able to adopt dear Bella and keep her as their own cat.It's perfect, I can still see her often without the effects of the allergies.I still wish, somehow I could get a cat or well trained short hair puppy but doctor's say no while I am on methotrexate..as the minute I come off the pills my allergies will be full blown awful. i should not complain as I was once blessed with an incredible dog for 17 yrs, and I must stop this now before I burst into tears.It has been7 yrs since we were forced to put him down and the pain runs deep.
It took my approx 1 1/2 yrs but I finally got hired by Target that is only 7 min away. I could only work parttime due to health and they agreed to work on hours. Fun, great team to work with.At Wal Mart, here anyway, their employees are always annoyed, ditch you or you hear them bashing fellow employees and the store itself. I was so desperate for work I applied there online 2 days before Target hired me.
Quickly, for tonight,4 months into working a freak accident.It could have happened to anyone.I had just reached out a receipt to a customer and was bringing my hand back down to ring up the next one when the conveyor belt started with a jolt and knocked over a large, glass jar of Olive Oil.It tipped and fell dead on onto the right thumb joint at the base of my thumb and cause irreperable damage. It took several doctors, x-rays, Nerve and muscle tests for them to see I'd totally blown the joint and minor arthritis just beginning was sent from painfree hand at 60 to the hand of a 75 yr old. They admitted the 24/7 pain was work related and paid for a few cortizone shots & special made brace to wear at night. Soon I'll be forced into surgery where they put in an aritficial ball joint and clip the nerves. Knock on wood. I've heard they will be up to 75% of lost wages while I heal and rehab.
Phew! Bear with me...this whole year of working with the pain, I had to compensate by overusing the left hand and twisting awkwardly.Just between us, about the time of the surgery recoup, my left hand will be suffering the same but it will be on my head to pay. I have no money. Life happens.
I have so overburdened you but this has become a part of everyday life for some time and it affects much..needed to catch that up.
Target keeps me on the Express Lane so I avoid most heavy items and carts full of lost of cans and boxes.I'm limited to 5 lbs which is hard to due but they never complain and do all they can do make it a little easier for me. It is a wonderful company to work for.I am blessed.

It has been just over 2 years. Is it shame on me? No, because life took turns I could never have foreseen. I found friends, I lost friends. I became so lost in "their" here and now that I lost where and who I was again. I don't mind being lost in others except for the trial of finding my way back to me. Me. I am here.
I need to update you , you who is always there, you don't pack up and take your life to someone elsewhere, you stay and your loyalty even if you aren't there is appreciated by me who prefers to believe you are there.
Facebook is a come and go world. Kathy's Korner is the one constant. It took be 2 years to figure this out, always looking for solid space for who I am.
This is my step.

Wow, I am behind on blogging. This getting out of the shell and moving forward is all good and fine until it gets to be too much. I need to pace what I am doing and where. My other blog site, Kathy-SimplyMe, is new and mostly poetry and short stories from life. I am having thoughts of someway to combine them.
This blog is a way for me to speak my mind and talk about things happening that I don't really tell other people, just you.
See, just talking to you I have made up my mind to keep this one just for these moments..
Thanks for being there.

I'm removing the duct tape that has wrapped my thoughts, my words, my adventures. What a genius, this inventor of duct tape. How could he have ever imagined the heights to which it would be taken? And it seems, everyday more ways to use it come forth. Today, after many, many years I choose to gingerly remove them and toss them into the bin of no return.Time to share..(gulp).
Since 7th grade when I began to rapidly grow tall I also developed the unique and uncontrollable episodes of clumsiness, trips, missteps, drops and breaks, gullibility and the start of my life's misadventures.
Though life has been difficult at times and you know a little of my health and distractions it is time to tell you of the real Kathy in her myriad of adventures and one day, God grant me the time and ability, to write what I've learned; and lived through so much it would be selfish not to share the ups and downs but so much laughter and joy and how so often I've landed on my feet..and my butt; but I always got up.
As you can see I am slowly getting braver on the blog and finding the who and why and how of me .
Read what you will...into it or from it.. but know this, It Is All True! I hope you will enjoy sharing my life of today and memories of yesterday...I Love Lucy had nothing on me. That's the truth!

Holy Crap! I can't believe how long it has been and all that has happened. Here's an abbreviation... I did not go to the reunion as I said BUT......the night before that I met with some of my high school friends at a local restaurant called HOPPER'S and we ate dinner and had a wonderful time...the next day after the reunion my husband and I met up with them at a bar called DAVID'S. Get this, THEN, the next afternoon we all met up Big Cottonwood Canyon and ate lunch at The Silver Fork Lodge and chatted up a storm. We all enjoyed it so much that we plan to get together more often and keep fresh the new bond we all formed. I have no regrets in passing up the reunion. I am so happy to have this. It was a dream weekend and will always be a happy memory.
The very next morning I had my gallbladder removed and made a speedy recovery. I am having some infections but nothing too serious. Two weeks ago my son in law Bob had to have a troubling hernia removed that they missed when they did the last colon surgery but he is mending well. We are certainly having our share this year. Abby has been stricken with her 2nd bout of Strep in 2 wks and 3rd sore throat in 3 wks. We are pretty certain her tonsils are going to have to come out..so far it hasn't triggered an asthma attack.
I am trying to hide my great fear of the H1N1 virus... not for me because I am in the safer range but for my family.. my 2 grandchildren had the rsv virus at 6 months and get sick quite easily. They've already had their flu shots but gosh, this scares me. The public will once again become alarmed when the cases start to shoot upwards. They've become complacent since the initial fears eased up.
Hopefully going to lunch again at HOPPERS this coming Wed with the high school gang. With Crohn's Disease you have no idea in advance if you can go anywhere or not but I am planning on it.
Have decided that I must give up my kitten, Bella. I don't know if it is because she is a Bombay or what but her wildness is difficult. She's beautiful and loving but gets pretty aggressive at times. I love her but it will be easier to give her up now than wait til I am too attached. Losing Pepper about did me in but that was different. Bella is such a beauty. This is such a hard decision..really, hard.

I went sailing.. I went sailing on The Great Salt Lake with my good friends from high school, Dave and Janet. Dave owns the boat, Wind Poet and I have not had such fun in a long time. I have never sailed and have never been out on the Great Salt Lake. The weather and waves were perfect. We talked forever about life 40 years ago and life today. In fact, some of us will be getting together again. But, I am still not going to the reunion. That would be too hard. I now know for certain I have to have gall bladder surgery on 8/24 and even tho the reunion is the 22nd my health isn't up to a day of food I can't eat, being in pain, tension and there are several people I want to live the rest of my life without seeing again. Mostly, as things are, I get sick on a dime and don't want to be a bother. I wish so badly I felt better..the timing just sucks. On a happier note, I hear a lot that having this will help me feel much better and I can get back to living more actively. That I'm excited for.

My daughter has eye surgery coming up soon. She has had lazy eyes since she was about 3 and she learned to control them but the muscles never fully strengthened. Now, as she is getting older her eyes get more tired from the work and stray so they are going to clip and tighten the muscles. It will take some time for her to get used to seeing without forcing her eyes to stay inward. Her dr. says she'll be off kilter a bit and we are joking each other about different things that could happen.
Bob, now also needs more surgery.. after the diverticulitis, he now has a hernia right there that the dr. missed on the initial xray. Boy, we are really having a bumpy patch, but on our way out. :)

What a week. Andrew turned 6 on Thurs and had his Transformer Birthday party on Saturday. He's been counting the days for 3 months. Being 6 is a real big deal for him. He's a sweetheart.
I am so excited! Tomorrow afternoon I get to go sailing on The Great Salt Lake for the first time in my life. An old high school friend has a sailboat and has offered myself and another classmate to join him tomorrow. I am scared, nervous, happy, on-air. We haven't seen each other in 40 yrs so it will be quite the adventure.
It is now or never for me I fear. But I want to build good memories. Mark (Dave) was such a good friend in school and it will be great to reminisce.
Wed. morning I go to the hospital early for the nuclear xray (Hide A Scan) to learn whether the gall bladder is working at the proper capacity and determine if the polyp and/or gallbladder needs to come out. Our fear is that with the cancer and chemo pills my immune system is so low that the chance of infection is of concern. Let's pray for the best. If it is any less, then we will face it with the same smile and optimism. Humor and joy, always the answer.

Recuperating from 2 mini-vacations. Took my daughter and grandkids for a drive Thursday. We drove up Parleys Canyon to Park City and walked along Main St. Then across the meadows and east to Heber City for a park lunch and down Provo Canyon to home. The kids have never been up the canyon and couldn't see enough. Boy, if they only knew what it was like just 15 yrs ago. Where meadows and farmlands, fishing streams and pioneer trails were are now subdivisions, homes on tops of every mtn around, roadside ads. Society is encroaching everywhere. It used to be impossible to get permits to build in these protected areas but sadly, money and power can get you what you want.
Anyway, yesterday was a ball. We decided on another road trip and drove over to the Oquirrh Mts and up the mountain to the Kennecott Copper Mine. I'm terrified of heights but once acclimated to the depth of the pit I gradually was able to walk to the fence and look over...TIGHTLY clinging to the safety bars. I can't remember if it's the largest or 2nd largest open pit copper mine in the world. Until you see it up close you just cant comprehend the massive expanse of it! It is a must see if you live here...and the tourists yesterday seemed from all over the world. The kids looked
to enjoy it so much we are going again real soon with PB&J sandwiches so we can take our time.
It is easy to overlook the wonderful sites we have here when they are so close. We are planning to take more mini excursions as my health is allowing. Everyday is a blessing, with family around me.
Here's to mini-excursions! :)

Good late evening! I am going thru many blood tests and ultrasounds. My doctor since 1975 has promised to get me well or managed to a point I can get back so much I've been missing. I believe it best to trust him. So as the results come in.. you lucky devils will be the first to know.
It's been a trying 2 weeks for my husband and I. First he found that his very best friend has inoperable stomach cancer and a few months to live, then last week one of my dearest friends from my radio station called from a local hospital. She snapped a bone in her hip & when they xrayed her at the ER they saw an abnormality. She has bone cancer through-out her body that has spread to her lungs. They gave her 6 months. 5 days ago we had a good conversation and we pray for a miracle. Tonight I called her and she could barely speak, because of her lungs and pain. Her life expectancy has lessened. It is happening so fast I can't wrap my brain around it. This year's garden was her best, she has so many plans. We lost 4 plumbing customers and 1 friend. All in 2 weeks. Our hearts are heavy and I will truly be lost with out my dear Rhonda Leigh. She is the one I call crying, pouring my heart out, I call laughing about nonsense, talking radio and making fun of hosts, sharing secrets. Selfishly, I will be lost without her. Not an ounce of shyness with her. Praying for miracles my friend. I love you.

As my old high school friends have been meeting up on Face book life has become more fun for me. I don't feel as isolated and shy. Mostly my friends were neighbors or a few ward members and I had little at all to say. Now my best lost friend Dave (Mark) from high school found me on Classmates a few weeks ago and my life is changing for the better." If you could read my mind now, what a tale my thoughts could tell. Just like a paperback novel, the kinds the drugstores sell"~Jim Croce. Other friends are joining up and like a jigsaw puzzle we are coming together around this Face book Table slowly chatting, sharing and becoming those characters we lived and loved in spite of the grownup characters we have become.
Of course with high school there are those who treated you unkindly, cut you out of their "clicks" and some who would not even look you in the face between classes.They judged your status or station without even trying to learn who you were. Some of these have now shown up and will on yours, Just remember to hold your head high and enjoy the true friendships you had and now found again.
Let yourself enjoy these simple pleasures.

Hi.Not enough time in the day today. Had to run errands for my granddaughter's birthday party and baptism family get-together later tomorrow. In the middle I had to stop and have my narrow-band light therapy. Unfortunately the new girl punched in the wrong length of time and I burned pretty good all 360 degrees of me. Yes, a tad uncomfortable in clothes tonight. As usual when this happens I will suffer a lot tomorrow but kazam! the pain dies after about 24-36 hrs.



Thinking about politics again. There is a gentleman who is our state Attorney General ( he adores the spotlight and photo-ops of his own making) and he recently decided to run for State Senate against our quite old Bob Bennett. I used to talk to Bob when I was on radio. He is so tall and skinny I always imagined a long walking-stick as he pulled himself out of the chair. Until recently I felt he had been in too long,, still do but I am having some uncomfortable doubts about the AG Mark Shurtleff. I watch him closely and he has already begun a somewhat braggart campaign on Twitter and Facebook. His persona is changing, his arrogance that was once a little complimentary is becoming distracting.
At this moment, I would vote for Jason Chaffetz over Mark...Heaven forbid, maybe even for Bob over Mark. I want to feel I can trust whomever it is. Utah is in dire need to have fresh, KNOWLEDGEABLE, honest and constituent-obligated people in Washington DC.I do my own thinking & don't need a party to tell me what to do. I vote for the person and the issue. Only people who can't think for themselves vote straight party line. It breeds hate with no room for compromise.
Anyway, I have a big decision coming up shortly that could cause me pain or great joy. It could cause a blow to my self-esteem or it could give me memories and laughter . School reunion...the dreaded occasion of seeing those who teased or ignored you amongst those you loved and have never forgotten. Trying to work things out with my dearest of old friends that won't be so difficult. Praying a lot for the right thing. Afraid I am already frustrating my friends. But if I meet them I want it fun, perfect and something to always remember with joy.

The results are finally in... no cirhossis or malignancy in the liver but there is inflammation. My doctor for the Lyp says it is not severe enough to interfere with the methotrexate and to keep taking them. As much as I fear the toxins in the drug I know how much they have helped me since I was first diagnosed with this disease. It makes you a hermit, fearful of stares and cruel words. The light treatments every week and the pills have cured the outside of me to where I'm not as afraid to go out. I used to have pale light skin, then pale skin that started to get small sores and rashes, then tanned skin with lots of freckles and far less noticeable spots. It took 10 years to get to this point and the thought of it all coming back put me into a very dark place. There is no cure, I will die with it, hopefully not from it.It is an extremely rare skin cancer that is a form of Lymphoma... not Melanoma. Only 1 in 1.9 million people get this. At anytime it could turn into full blown Lymphoma but then anyone at anytime could get full blown Lymphoma.
Now, my internist needs to find out what's causing the inflammation internally, its not just the liver but I have far less fear of this. The fact I can now finally give myself Insulin for Diabetes is a huge feat for me. Other issues become just a part of life that you accept and thank God that things are not worse and pray for those whose life is. We all have challenges at one time or another. It is how we choose to deal with them that is important. This was my hardest post so far.

I am down to 5 marigolds. Neighbors have 3 new gopher holes..we think that makes 18 now. The constant rain has diminished the other 15 but they are there. I've spent too much money; let Sandy Ordinance come out and issue them yet another advisory to keep up their yard. They have 2 wks & then the City does it and charges them. Yet they always wait for 13 days and use a weed whacker to chop the 3 ft weeds on their lawn they never water and wait til they get summoned again. It makes me sad. I work so hard for my yard and since they moved in I cant keep up with t he dandelions, gophers and ugly site. Those plastic fences are great but expensive. OH well, will just keep working on it.
My last foster mother I called Aunt Alberta kept me from the age of 12 1/2 until I married at 20 and we remained as close as a mother and daughter. She passed away in 2004 at 93 and sharp as ever. She was from New Ulm, Minn, German heritage and a good cook. I've decided to start typing
her recipes every few days or so. Some are German, some are just darn good. Some have those famous Mormon recipes that are fabulous comfort food as well as good for sharing with your neighbors or families on get-togethers.
See, I am taking positive steps to get out of my shell. I will have a link for my writing blog soon also. I am doing the dream, if only for me.

I had such a good birthday. My daughter and granddaughter took me out to garage sales most of the day, finding gadgets and trinkets..mostly, we thoroughly enjoyed the pleasure of our company. Husband was in Idaho so the kids took me out to dinner..and I came home to 3 balloons , a bag of candy and a bar of Lilac soap. The day ended with Facebook, Twitter and mellow reflections.



Today is just a quiet day. After watching NASCAR I have spent time puttering at various chores in a futile attempt to ward off the worry of tomorrows biopsy results. My heart has been broken enough times that trusting it doesn't come easy and yet it is telling me I will be okay. There I go again... whoosh.. negative thoughts be gone!

Oh my. Things have been nuts but that is my life. June 23rd I had a liver biopsy and am still waiting for the results. The radiologist said it was dense but that was all he could say. It could be from fatty tissue, diabetes or fibers. We don't want it to be fibers as that would mean I may need a new liver down the road.. but I won't let my brain wrap around that.

The marigold mystery is on. I was told marigolds distract aphids and gophers so I got a flat of them and planted them between my property and nextdoor neighbors who don't do yardwork at all and had 15 gopher holes last fall. We have lost 3/4 of the flowers to the gophers now so we are trying everything we can.

I really need to commit to another blog where I write what I have written. Actually a lot depends on the results of that darn biopsy. I am on hold in bizarro world.

I have been slacking again.. but only because a busy life has interfered. My new kitten, Bella, is a Bombay they tell me. She has short sleek, non shedding hair with gold (seriously) eyes. She was bottle fed so is very affectionate and finds my shoulder and under my neck her favorite places to snooze. So far she is my miracle kitten.
My dr. decided to decrease my methotrexate to see what happens. It has been two weeks now and I am having more breakouts, allergy attacks, so I have to call him. They still haven't scheduled the livery biopsy so I have to call in the am. If it is ok, hopefully I can resume my normal dosage. .
Have you heard of the card game "Screw Your Neighbor"? It is so fun. The weird things is my 8 yr old granddaughter has been wooping us 3 out of 4 games. It's a real fun game and if any of you are interested just ask as it is super simple to learn.
Sorry this is short. It is late at night. Life has been mild lately.

I have my granddaughter sleeping over tonight. She'll turn 8 in July. When I see her lately and all the changes I keep thinking of the Mike Douglas song (aging myself here) "Turn Around" " Where are you going, my little one, little one, where are you going my baby my own. Turn around and you're one, turn around and you're grown, turn around and you're a young girl going out on your own.".. I must find that song to download. Used to have the 45 record (aging again, lol). I just remembered another song I miss that I played over and over: "Dreams of the Everyday Housewife" sung by Glen Campbell. Ha, misty-eyed I am. There are certain things that have no place staying in the past...things that made you smile, feel safe, laugh outloud, your heart race and take your breath away are but a few. Your present is greatly a result of what your past was, your temperment or lack of, your tolerance or lack of, your fears or lack of fear, the words you heard or did not hear..So many parents still don't get it. They are so self-absorbed and waste the grand opportunity they have to help create a better world.

Didn't mean for so much time to go by. It is not that I haven't had anything to say but that I have had too much going on to say it. Now that made no sense. Oh well, such is who I am. Bob is doing well and soon back to work. Tomorrow I have to schedule a liver biopsy for how long I have been taking Methotrexate as it is a toxin and harmful to the liver. Blood tests can only tell you so much; only a biopsy can show if you have no fibers or disease. Fun, huh? It's been 10 yrs on the stuff so doctors say it is time.
I have agoraphobia (thank you early foster homes) and it can be limiting but gratefully I don't have it severe. Now, if you put me (sole adult) in a room with more than 2 children at a time I can guarantee you I will have a panic attack and back into the corner. I go long ways around in a grocery store to avoid aisles that have more than 2 carts on them and can't wait in the middle of a line. Well, I can but my heart races and I get shakey. Some people cannot even go out to shop. Unless you have it or know someone who does it is difficult to be empathetic. Anyway, that is one of my phobias. Enough revelation for now. :)
I am looking into doing some podcasts. I really miss doing my radio talk show... will keep you updated on that. Thanks Roscoe for your advise.

Bob is doing better today but lots of pain. Hopefully he can come home Thursday. Since there were complications they want to be certain there are no infections.
Moment of terror today. I was sitting first car at a red light when I looked up to see a large car pull into my lane of traffic heading directly at me. I had nowhere to go. As the car got deadly close I started to throw myself onto the seat to lessen my injuries when he swerved, skidded and tore up the street adjacent to me. That was as close to a head-on as one can get without being in one and I never, ever want to be that close and helpless again. It has been hours but my stomach is still in knots and my GRATITUDE is overwhelming. Divine Intervention. Totally.

Busy day today. Hoping marigolds will keep the next door neighbors gophers away. It took us all year last year to get them out of our yard and they are marching back ,the little buggars.

It has been too long since I have posted but too many things have had to come first. Yesterday my son-in-law, 47, was operated on for severe diverticulitis. They had to remove 18" of intestines and his gall bladder. There were some complications but at the moment he is allright. Watched the 2 grandkids today, Abby and Andrew and again tomorrow. Hope he recovers well. It was an intense surgery and he will learn he is not Superman and it will take time to heal. I love him.
I am integrating Twitter with my blogs. You know how much I want to get more back into my writing and I think this is finally it. It will take a few days and attempts to iron out the kinks so one can lead to the other.
Writing is my passion and I can't wait to share some of it with you. I need to learn how I can separate my blogs with segments of my writing. I am reading other blogs to learn a technique that is a right fit for me.
I heard I can link my Facebook also. Here I go thinking out loud again.

It is another sad story, I am afraid. We went and got the sweet puppy and drove it home bonding and loving. That night my husband instantly fell for the puppy. However by early evening I was beginning to have itchy eyes, welts on my chest where his head was. Needless to say it got worse all night long. I could not sleep at all as eyes were horribly swollen, painful itching, nose running and sneezing. By 8 am I called and we made the long return trip to take the puppy back. Boy I am still amazed how much I cried. It was the cutest thing and I had happiness and comfort in my heart that all would be well.
I heard poodles are the best. My son-in-law is having major surgury for diverticulitis on the 13th of May so life is going to be very hectic for a while. May be when he is healed and back to work I can try this again, I don't know. I wish I had enough money to afford the shots so I could have any type of dog or cat but...wishing doesn't cut it for now.
SOrry this is short, I know no one reads this but I felt obligated to finish the story.
Goodnight all.

Well, I cannot have a cat. Feeling sorry for myself until I learned of certain breeds of dogs that are allergy friendly. Called some friends and learned a lot. In Utah we have a web site www.ksl.com and under classified, under dogs they have tons of listing that sell like hotcakes. After several hits and misses this magical ad appears... 4 male miniature schnauzers. allergy friendly, cuddly, loyal, comforting, great for kids and older people. dont dig, easy learners, don't shed. I fell in love with two of them.
My daughter and I are making the 2 hr drive in the morning to pick one and bring it home. I feel like a schoolgirl I am so nervous.. I know it will be a good thing. When I am alone I will be able to focus on someone besides me and since putting Chewey down several years ago, then Pepper 2 months ago I have been pretty depressed. My doc said pets are a real asset to sick people and urged me months ago to replace Chewey.
Wish me luck. No one will replace Chewey but maybe they can fill the empty space.