Unfortunately I have to amend my last post. I was so excited to think I had all 4 years of the taxes that I misread the most recent. I actually received two bills for 2011. One due on Oct. 24, when they were shutdown and the other 1 week later with additional fees and penalties. So I made the call for 2011 and learned there is some unknown "trouble" they call it with the 2010 return. How much trouble can it be? I can't pay it anyway. Oh well, it will be interesting, if they choose to tell me what it was.
My daughter is starting night school this Monday and I am thrilled for her. She is going to Salt Lake Community College and taking classes for medical coding. I never had the opportunity and am proud to see her doing this.If I ever did anything right in my life, it was having her and loving her so much every minute since her birth that she has a natural loving nature. She is kind and respectful to people, always threads her words with please and thank yous. On the darkest of nights or times all I have to do is think of her and now the grand kids and there is light.
Fragments of my life as it is blended ...a little of the past, the present and the future...sporadic, always sincere.
Friday, November 01, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
10-26-2013
Today I received the final bill from the IRS for Gary. The year 2011.All total, including what Utah got it comes to around $12,000. I have left about $1,000 and still need to take care of his 2013 taxes at the first of the year. Now, I have to make the call again and wait forever while they study the records, send me to someone who will interview me on any assets or other monies of which there is only the $1,000. If they believe me, they may request a small amount of what I have or close the books on all 4 years. Like they also have said, not a dime should come out of my pocket. I just want it over so I can release that feeling of someone looking over my shoulder; dreading the mail.
Dan went back to the Veteran's Hosp. to watch a video and receive a CPAC machine to help him breathe better at night. He swore he just tossed and turned from sore hips but he did a sleep study and confirmed he has sleep apnea. Oh, and the weirded thing yet.
I don't know and haven't looked back, if I've told you of all the pulmonary tests he's had done because he does wheeze a bit and coughs a lot. One test showed only 54% airway. Scared the hell out of us; that night they brought out all this oxygen and we were baffled. He takes in air just fine. So a few weeks later they redid the test and he passed much better. It seems he will need an inhaler and oxygen at night but nothing like the first test. Such a relief.
They ordered MRI's and a nuclear test of his chest and checked his heart. My ears heard he had a small valve issue but Dan says my ears were confused. A month and a half went by and they called us to meet with a pulmonary doctor. Ok.
He was a character; a Japanese doctor who also served in the Vietnam War and wanted to continue to serve his fellow mates from the Armed Services. Told lots of jokes and got us feeling comfortable. Then he turns on the light behind Dan's chest x-ray. I felt my heart drop. Where there would have shown the 2 large, healthy signs of lungs , there were only 1 1/2. Of course I am terrified I am looking at a large tumor in the whole bottom half. Here, finally, is the weird part.
The large mass is literally his stomach pushed somehow clear up into his lung.They have no idea how it happened but there it was...possibly a huge reason for his being short of breath when even just watching tv. And yet, he can inhale and exhale quite deeply. So, for now, he is to lose at least 20 but preferably 30 pounds and see if his stomach will settle back down and let his lower lung expand to a better capacity. It's the oddest thing. He is trying to lose weight his way and as you know I am trying but my illnesses acting up have seriously hindered the proper foods.
Well, that is the current story of us. There is still more adventure that always surrounds my life but it is late. There is always another day.
Dan went back to the Veteran's Hosp. to watch a video and receive a CPAC machine to help him breathe better at night. He swore he just tossed and turned from sore hips but he did a sleep study and confirmed he has sleep apnea. Oh, and the weirded thing yet.
I don't know and haven't looked back, if I've told you of all the pulmonary tests he's had done because he does wheeze a bit and coughs a lot. One test showed only 54% airway. Scared the hell out of us; that night they brought out all this oxygen and we were baffled. He takes in air just fine. So a few weeks later they redid the test and he passed much better. It seems he will need an inhaler and oxygen at night but nothing like the first test. Such a relief.
They ordered MRI's and a nuclear test of his chest and checked his heart. My ears heard he had a small valve issue but Dan says my ears were confused. A month and a half went by and they called us to meet with a pulmonary doctor. Ok.
He was a character; a Japanese doctor who also served in the Vietnam War and wanted to continue to serve his fellow mates from the Armed Services. Told lots of jokes and got us feeling comfortable. Then he turns on the light behind Dan's chest x-ray. I felt my heart drop. Where there would have shown the 2 large, healthy signs of lungs , there were only 1 1/2. Of course I am terrified I am looking at a large tumor in the whole bottom half. Here, finally, is the weird part.
The large mass is literally his stomach pushed somehow clear up into his lung.They have no idea how it happened but there it was...possibly a huge reason for his being short of breath when even just watching tv. And yet, he can inhale and exhale quite deeply. So, for now, he is to lose at least 20 but preferably 30 pounds and see if his stomach will settle back down and let his lower lung expand to a better capacity. It's the oddest thing. He is trying to lose weight his way and as you know I am trying but my illnesses acting up have seriously hindered the proper foods.
Well, that is the current story of us. There is still more adventure that always surrounds my life but it is late. There is always another day.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
The Cricket
Due to constant preventative spraying indoors and out, I haven't had a live cricket in the house for quite some time and for that I am grateful. Crickets and grasshoppers scare me more than spiders and spiders make me panic and holler for a spider killer. A cricket in the house sends me into a panic that mice can't compare to.
A few years ago I was the only one home one evening. Danny was out of town when I suddenly heard the creature chirping at the front door landing. The evil thing had given me no warning by coming up from the basement, he invited himself through a crack on the side of the front room door. He was not small and feisty, he was as fat and long as my thumb and determined to force his will upon me.
My can of poison was close to empty, so I emptied it on him. That really made him mad so up two stairs he came in the time it took me to grab my favorite Dove Extra Hold Hairspray. (It should be noted that this entire time I was screaming with random obscenities and prayers for help.) He made it up another step. Two to go and he'd have access to more places than I cared to think. As he began his march up the stairs I jumped back and dropped the hairspray. Prayers are answered. The can , in an uncanny slow-motion act, landed directly on the cricket. Not enough to kill him, but to inflict a concussion of sorts that gave me time to charge to the paper towels and unroll a hefty amount.
So there he still lay, twitching and gaining his senses.As he got his bearing I took my super wad and slammed it over him. I couldn't move; frozen in fear. If I lifted my hand he would surely jump right on me so I waited and waited. I sat on my butt at the top of the stairs and a vice-like grip on the paper towels suffocating the miserable, evil thing. After an eternity (you now, everything feels like an eternity when fear is involved) I moved my hands, swooped him up and ran to the bathroom.
Not taking a chance, I flushed first to make sure that when I dropped him in, it would suck him down the drain with no chance of swimming to shore. Victory. I marveled at his size as he plopped and was sucked down the drain. Down to the land of crocodiles and turtles, the abyss.
An hour or so later I calmed down enough to get ready for bed. I went in to the bathroom and as I was halfway to sitting down I heard an odd sound and looked to see the cricket. He had somehow resurfaced and was trying to climb out the sides of the toilet bowl!! I screamed, tripped on my pajama bottoms and fell into the towel rack. Scurrying to my knees I grabbed the toilet bowl brush and started whacking til he was stuck on the bristles, hanging on for his life. Eventually he fell back in and I flushed and flushed and flushed more than I can remember. He never came back.
The irony is that every evening I go to bed, I turn on my soft sounds for the night to Evening Crickets. In some inexplicable way, the sound of the crickets at a distance is soothing. Knowing I had fought the Mammoth and won, or knowing they are only in the machine. I don't know. But, the bugs that scare me most, give me comfort when I turn out the light. Go figure.
A few years ago I was the only one home one evening. Danny was out of town when I suddenly heard the creature chirping at the front door landing. The evil thing had given me no warning by coming up from the basement, he invited himself through a crack on the side of the front room door. He was not small and feisty, he was as fat and long as my thumb and determined to force his will upon me.
My can of poison was close to empty, so I emptied it on him. That really made him mad so up two stairs he came in the time it took me to grab my favorite Dove Extra Hold Hairspray. (It should be noted that this entire time I was screaming with random obscenities and prayers for help.) He made it up another step. Two to go and he'd have access to more places than I cared to think. As he began his march up the stairs I jumped back and dropped the hairspray. Prayers are answered. The can , in an uncanny slow-motion act, landed directly on the cricket. Not enough to kill him, but to inflict a concussion of sorts that gave me time to charge to the paper towels and unroll a hefty amount.
So there he still lay, twitching and gaining his senses.As he got his bearing I took my super wad and slammed it over him. I couldn't move; frozen in fear. If I lifted my hand he would surely jump right on me so I waited and waited. I sat on my butt at the top of the stairs and a vice-like grip on the paper towels suffocating the miserable, evil thing. After an eternity (you now, everything feels like an eternity when fear is involved) I moved my hands, swooped him up and ran to the bathroom.
Not taking a chance, I flushed first to make sure that when I dropped him in, it would suck him down the drain with no chance of swimming to shore. Victory. I marveled at his size as he plopped and was sucked down the drain. Down to the land of crocodiles and turtles, the abyss.
An hour or so later I calmed down enough to get ready for bed. I went in to the bathroom and as I was halfway to sitting down I heard an odd sound and looked to see the cricket. He had somehow resurfaced and was trying to climb out the sides of the toilet bowl!! I screamed, tripped on my pajama bottoms and fell into the towel rack. Scurrying to my knees I grabbed the toilet bowl brush and started whacking til he was stuck on the bristles, hanging on for his life. Eventually he fell back in and I flushed and flushed and flushed more than I can remember. He never came back.
The irony is that every evening I go to bed, I turn on my soft sounds for the night to Evening Crickets. In some inexplicable way, the sound of the crickets at a distance is soothing. Knowing I had fought the Mammoth and won, or knowing they are only in the machine. I don't know. But, the bugs that scare me most, give me comfort when I turn out the light. Go figure.
Friday, October 11, 2013
A Smack On The Head
You know the entire IRS story is so difficult and confusing that I won't burden you with much more. As I read my last post I didn't realize how much had changed. I just received a bill a couple of days before the Gov't Shutdown for $4,200+ dollars for 2011. Oct. 14th is the deadline for it to be paid... but there is no one home at the government offices and no one answering the phones to tell me what to do. I am not as worried as I have been. I just heard on the news, a reminder that people who filed for extensions are now due to have filed their taxes and that penalties will occur. I am so glad I got those 4 yrs done when I did. The IRS is most likely going to be very backlogged. Yikes!
The Utah State Tax Commission just mailed me an order to lien if I didn't pay $155.+ The good news is per my phone call they have finally stamped the filed as finished. She said I will receive a Certified Letter of Notice to Lien that had just been mailed,but to not open it and hold on to it or let it sit at the post office. After a certain amount of time their system will make note of no response, check the file, see the disposition and end it. So, Utah is done. Finis.
Gary's headstone should be done and placed any day now. That will be another relief. I hope I've served him well. I will probably smack him upside the head when I see him one day. He could have warned me at any time in the year before his death that he quit paying taxes and opened only 1/4 of all his mail for 4 yrs and stuffed them in drawers. Yes, Gary, a smack on the head. But, I truly know you are happier now than life here would allow you.
The Utah State Tax Commission just mailed me an order to lien if I didn't pay $155.+ The good news is per my phone call they have finally stamped the filed as finished. She said I will receive a Certified Letter of Notice to Lien that had just been mailed,but to not open it and hold on to it or let it sit at the post office. After a certain amount of time their system will make note of no response, check the file, see the disposition and end it. So, Utah is done. Finis.
Gary's headstone should be done and placed any day now. That will be another relief. I hope I've served him well. I will probably smack him upside the head when I see him one day. He could have warned me at any time in the year before his death that he quit paying taxes and opened only 1/4 of all his mail for 4 yrs and stuffed them in drawers. Yes, Gary, a smack on the head. But, I truly know you are happier now than life here would allow you.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Update on Gary's Taxes
I got my first bill from the Utah Tax Comm which turned out to be a $79.00 refund. Good. Then I got forms for 2010 and 2012 saying each year had a $450.00 refund but was being applied to 2011. Still waiting that outcome.
.
I finally heard back from the IRS regarding the year 2012. He owed over $600 plus $100 for not paying on time plus penalties and interest. As his money has seriously dwindled with all the expenses and more to come I felt compelled to call them and try to get some understanding as to what else was coming and informing them I have not enough to pay the remaining 3 years let alone be able to do his 2013 taxes.
After exactly 92 minutes and 47 seconds I got this far. Thankfully, I was helped after 54 minutes on hold. The woman was pleasant and as I spoke I could tell she understood fully my situation. We eventually ended up with this: She was able to completely close 2009 and 2012 taxes that were due. So the $600 plus is no longer due. They did run into unknown complications with 2010 which delayed 2011. It will take another 9 weeks before I get bills for those years.
The good news is that she feels certain that when I call again after receiving both, they will also be closed. BUT, if he owed over $5,000, which I sorely doubt, I'd be transferred to recovery people who will question me at length to be certain he had no assets they could seize. But again, she said if I told them what I told her, she is certain they will close the years and all I have in my future is to file the first 2 months of 2013 in January.
Maybe then Gary will be able to rest in peace and not feel the need to linger here.
Next major projects include getting my declining health on track. I've had no time to implement what I need to but have been given a nurse, Pam. whose job is to take all of my ailments, and work out a way I can eat without always getting sick or messing with the diabetes while keeping in mind the high cholesterol and very seriously high triglycerides. Let's not forget I have gastroparisis which means a number of the muscles in my stomach are paralyzed and cannot help digest food and Crohn's Disease, so that diet should be fun. I am thinking, soups and drinks mostly.
But that, my friends, is for another day.
.
I finally heard back from the IRS regarding the year 2012. He owed over $600 plus $100 for not paying on time plus penalties and interest. As his money has seriously dwindled with all the expenses and more to come I felt compelled to call them and try to get some understanding as to what else was coming and informing them I have not enough to pay the remaining 3 years let alone be able to do his 2013 taxes.
After exactly 92 minutes and 47 seconds I got this far. Thankfully, I was helped after 54 minutes on hold. The woman was pleasant and as I spoke I could tell she understood fully my situation. We eventually ended up with this: She was able to completely close 2009 and 2012 taxes that were due. So the $600 plus is no longer due. They did run into unknown complications with 2010 which delayed 2011. It will take another 9 weeks before I get bills for those years.
The good news is that she feels certain that when I call again after receiving both, they will also be closed. BUT, if he owed over $5,000, which I sorely doubt, I'd be transferred to recovery people who will question me at length to be certain he had no assets they could seize. But again, she said if I told them what I told her, she is certain they will close the years and all I have in my future is to file the first 2 months of 2013 in January.
Maybe then Gary will be able to rest in peace and not feel the need to linger here.
Next major projects include getting my declining health on track. I've had no time to implement what I need to but have been given a nurse, Pam. whose job is to take all of my ailments, and work out a way I can eat without always getting sick or messing with the diabetes while keeping in mind the high cholesterol and very seriously high triglycerides. Let's not forget I have gastroparisis which means a number of the muscles in my stomach are paralyzed and cannot help digest food and Crohn's Disease, so that diet should be fun. I am thinking, soups and drinks mostly.
But that, my friends, is for another day.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I've Learned Much
Life has continued at a rapid pace since I last wrote in May. In between Gary and working I've had health setbacks needing off my feet healing and the deaths of two long time friends.
I finally became so overwhelmed trying to do Gary's taxes on my own that I melted down and called a highly recommended and reasonable tax man. It was fortunate that when I became the fiduciary for Gary I asked them for every form they had that I may need but also informed them he had little to no money in his estate. But, by law they must be filed whether or not they can be paid.
The tax man was great, especially when he discovered I had all the necessary papers to complete the forms. All the receipts I had so carefully added and stapled were not needed after all. Within 2 hours I left with everything done except for my signing them all and sending them off. That was the last week of July and I am still waiting to hear what happens next as there is almost no money for the $5900 he owes them.
I am so out of order, hah!, my life is so out of order. Bear with me. I was able to finally bury Gary and his daughter, Becky Mae together in the same plot as my father on June 24th. It was on overcast blustery day and as per Gary's firm wishes there was no graveside service. His other daughter, Cyndi was there with Becky's ashes and my daughter Melanie. It was peaceful and what he wanted.
Last week I was able to go to a local family owned monument company and select a headstone. Dad's is a little smaller but it was only for one soul. As Gary's had two I chose a larger, but not obtrusive,
headstone that could respectfully list Gary (father) and Becky (daughter). I chose a pretty rose to be beside Becky's name and on the opposite side, a fish as Gary took his kids fishing whenever he could. I hope his family will approve. The most important thing is the feeling of accomplishment and peace that Gary must have given me when I made the final decision and paperwork. It was odd, the sense of his spirit around at certain times that are almost tangible. I think he's overseeing it all. Soon, he can rest. By the first week of October the headstone will be placed.
I've learned much from all of this and am in the process of further making me and my husband's wishes legally known and papers in safe keeping.
I finally became so overwhelmed trying to do Gary's taxes on my own that I melted down and called a highly recommended and reasonable tax man. It was fortunate that when I became the fiduciary for Gary I asked them for every form they had that I may need but also informed them he had little to no money in his estate. But, by law they must be filed whether or not they can be paid.
The tax man was great, especially when he discovered I had all the necessary papers to complete the forms. All the receipts I had so carefully added and stapled were not needed after all. Within 2 hours I left with everything done except for my signing them all and sending them off. That was the last week of July and I am still waiting to hear what happens next as there is almost no money for the $5900 he owes them.
I am so out of order, hah!, my life is so out of order. Bear with me. I was able to finally bury Gary and his daughter, Becky Mae together in the same plot as my father on June 24th. It was on overcast blustery day and as per Gary's firm wishes there was no graveside service. His other daughter, Cyndi was there with Becky's ashes and my daughter Melanie. It was peaceful and what he wanted.
Last week I was able to go to a local family owned monument company and select a headstone. Dad's is a little smaller but it was only for one soul. As Gary's had two I chose a larger, but not obtrusive,
headstone that could respectfully list Gary (father) and Becky (daughter). I chose a pretty rose to be beside Becky's name and on the opposite side, a fish as Gary took his kids fishing whenever he could. I hope his family will approve. The most important thing is the feeling of accomplishment and peace that Gary must have given me when I made the final decision and paperwork. It was odd, the sense of his spirit around at certain times that are almost tangible. I think he's overseeing it all. Soon, he can rest. By the first week of October the headstone will be placed.
I've learned much from all of this and am in the process of further making me and my husband's wishes legally known and papers in safe keeping.
Friday, May 24, 2013
It Is 2:43 In The Morning..
It is 2:43 in the morning. I had such a busy, physical day I was sure I would sleep like a baby. Hah! Not so lucky tonight. My mind is refusing to shut down for a while. Some nights when sleep is hard to come by I think of one of my favorite songs (as music is my passion) and listen to it over and over until I fall asleep; sometimes I remember walking the streets of Japan or sitting with a fishing pole in my hand, lying on my back on the grass watching the clouds drift by. Quiet moment memories.
Nothing is working tonight. Somehow I got this post-it note on the inside of my brain listing all the things I have to do in a short period of time. Lists are for putting on the refrigerator door, in your journal or the table right by your keys. They are not for the brain. But this one slipped in.
I've taken a couple of weeks off since Gary died to regather myself and find where I left part of me when he died the end of February. I got complacent. He sits in my hall closet patiently waiting for me to get his family on the same page so I can get him buried. I wanted it to happen in June but today changed everything.
Being executor of what little he had I thought I had plenty of time to finish his papers, shredding and making a file for 2012 so I could do his taxes this fall. Not so fast. Today, the IRS finally made me his fiduciary which means I have access to his past and current taxes; it took 2 months and paperwork to get this far. I was told he never filed since 2009. Aw, gees, I wanted to cry. It was much effort to get all his drawers of papers together into years. In my optimistic mind, surely those years were done so I put them all in large envelopes and drawers without separating them into deductions and bank statements.I thought I would just be able to shred them once I talked to the IRS.
Well, heck, I can shred 2007-2008. That is better than nothing. The hard part is they said I need to have those 4 years of taxes done by July 15th. 6 weeks; 4 years of paperwork. No wonder I can't sleep tonight!!! Gary, what were you thinking? But wait,
At the end of 2009 his health was beginning to have issues and by early 2010 he had a heart attack and a 4 way by-pass. By the latter part of that year he went to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain and sudden weight loss. Hours later they determined he had late stage leukemia and lesions in his stomach. They later retested and found it was not leukemia, it was full blow stage 4 lymphoma. Through out 2011 he had almost constant bouts of chemo and tests and more chemo.
By 2012 in Feb, he called to meet with me to help him write his will and power of attorney. He then underwent a stem cell transplant that took 6 weeks in isolation in the hospital and 6 weeks recovery at home.
He then went back to driving bus, certain he had made it. His tests came back normal, he felt like himself. Then a couple of months later he noticed a lump and sudden nausea. The beast had returned.
They removed the lump and his cells were being quirky but no alarm. Until December of 2012.
Deja vu, he said. He knew something was wrong.
In January they took blood , CT scans and an MRI. Full blown stage 4 and it was in his bones and organs and he was dying. They gave him 2 options. With no chemo, he had 2-3 months to live but with chemo, he had 5-6 months. Gary was so afraid to die.
The third week in February he made up his mind to fight with all he had and decided to start a new regimen of chemo. He wanted those extra months. The morning of Feb. 26 he went in for his first round. They injected Benadryl because he had a hard time with earlier sessions the previous year; then they injected the chemo. Within moments he went into cardiac arrest. They all worked valiantly to bring him back to a pulse. Finally located, I raced to the hospital to tell them to stop. He did not want this. And just a few short minutes later, he died.
When could he have done his taxes? He was giving all he could just to live through those years. It's okay, Gary. I finally get it. I will get them done and on time. I now have a better understanding of it all. You know, I almost feel you standing here at this moment. I have folded the list for the night. It is time to go to bed.
Nothing is working tonight. Somehow I got this post-it note on the inside of my brain listing all the things I have to do in a short period of time. Lists are for putting on the refrigerator door, in your journal or the table right by your keys. They are not for the brain. But this one slipped in.
I've taken a couple of weeks off since Gary died to regather myself and find where I left part of me when he died the end of February. I got complacent. He sits in my hall closet patiently waiting for me to get his family on the same page so I can get him buried. I wanted it to happen in June but today changed everything.
Being executor of what little he had I thought I had plenty of time to finish his papers, shredding and making a file for 2012 so I could do his taxes this fall. Not so fast. Today, the IRS finally made me his fiduciary which means I have access to his past and current taxes; it took 2 months and paperwork to get this far. I was told he never filed since 2009. Aw, gees, I wanted to cry. It was much effort to get all his drawers of papers together into years. In my optimistic mind, surely those years were done so I put them all in large envelopes and drawers without separating them into deductions and bank statements.I thought I would just be able to shred them once I talked to the IRS.
Well, heck, I can shred 2007-2008. That is better than nothing. The hard part is they said I need to have those 4 years of taxes done by July 15th. 6 weeks; 4 years of paperwork. No wonder I can't sleep tonight!!! Gary, what were you thinking? But wait,
At the end of 2009 his health was beginning to have issues and by early 2010 he had a heart attack and a 4 way by-pass. By the latter part of that year he went to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain and sudden weight loss. Hours later they determined he had late stage leukemia and lesions in his stomach. They later retested and found it was not leukemia, it was full blow stage 4 lymphoma. Through out 2011 he had almost constant bouts of chemo and tests and more chemo.
By 2012 in Feb, he called to meet with me to help him write his will and power of attorney. He then underwent a stem cell transplant that took 6 weeks in isolation in the hospital and 6 weeks recovery at home.
He then went back to driving bus, certain he had made it. His tests came back normal, he felt like himself. Then a couple of months later he noticed a lump and sudden nausea. The beast had returned.
They removed the lump and his cells were being quirky but no alarm. Until December of 2012.
Deja vu, he said. He knew something was wrong.
In January they took blood , CT scans and an MRI. Full blown stage 4 and it was in his bones and organs and he was dying. They gave him 2 options. With no chemo, he had 2-3 months to live but with chemo, he had 5-6 months. Gary was so afraid to die.
The third week in February he made up his mind to fight with all he had and decided to start a new regimen of chemo. He wanted those extra months. The morning of Feb. 26 he went in for his first round. They injected Benadryl because he had a hard time with earlier sessions the previous year; then they injected the chemo. Within moments he went into cardiac arrest. They all worked valiantly to bring him back to a pulse. Finally located, I raced to the hospital to tell them to stop. He did not want this. And just a few short minutes later, he died.
When could he have done his taxes? He was giving all he could just to live through those years. It's okay, Gary. I finally get it. I will get them done and on time. I now have a better understanding of it all. You know, I almost feel you standing here at this moment. I have folded the list for the night. It is time to go to bed.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Bank Robbery Bucket List?
I don't have much time tonight. Gosh, life has been going by faster than I ever imagined. Still catching up with and dealing with my brother's affairs. Wow, what they put you through.
The day after the bank robbery there was another one just a couple of miles away. In this one there were three robbers all wearing face masks, hoodies and guns. They yelled at everyone to lay down on the floor and proceeded to jump over the counters and load their bags. They were verbally abusive and threatening.
That is why I mean we were lucky. Ours was scared to death and in an awful hurry or he would have seen us with our purses and my wallet... he just took what he could grab and ran and of course, our due diligence got him caught a couple of hours later.
However the fear lingers. I thought it was just me, but it is Melanie as well. We don't do well going inside the banks and do most of it through the drive-up window. At the time we weren't scared. We were two cool cucumbers. But later that night.... we both melted down a bit and unexpectedly found that walking into our own lovely credit union caused us fear and discomfort. Surely, it will go away but for now we don't like being in small places with one way in and out. But, hey, we figure as close as we are, we were glad to have been together to buoy each other up.
The Bank Officer said to us at the end as we were finally permitted to leave, "Well, you can't check this off your Bucket List." Are you kidding me? Seriously? Who puts on their Bucket List, "I want to be in a bank robbery."?
The day after the bank robbery there was another one just a couple of miles away. In this one there were three robbers all wearing face masks, hoodies and guns. They yelled at everyone to lay down on the floor and proceeded to jump over the counters and load their bags. They were verbally abusive and threatening.
That is why I mean we were lucky. Ours was scared to death and in an awful hurry or he would have seen us with our purses and my wallet... he just took what he could grab and ran and of course, our due diligence got him caught a couple of hours later.
However the fear lingers. I thought it was just me, but it is Melanie as well. We don't do well going inside the banks and do most of it through the drive-up window. At the time we weren't scared. We were two cool cucumbers. But later that night.... we both melted down a bit and unexpectedly found that walking into our own lovely credit union caused us fear and discomfort. Surely, it will go away but for now we don't like being in small places with one way in and out. But, hey, we figure as close as we are, we were glad to have been together to buoy each other up.
The Bank Officer said to us at the end as we were finally permitted to leave, "Well, you can't check this off your Bucket List." Are you kidding me? Seriously? Who puts on their Bucket List, "I want to be in a bank robbery."?
Friday, March 29, 2013
The Devil Is In The Details
Today, no, it is now yesterday. It was yesterday. You see, I am not altogether together tonight. I am still reliving this afternoon, yesterday afternoon, to make certain it truly happened because I have been surrounded by this atmosphere of surrealism for hours. And I know my daughter, Melanie is having the same issue. There is so much to lead up to this but let's just go to the "robbery".
I have your attention now. Robbery.
I needed to go to the bank, but first we needed to take her dog to the groomer's. Before we headed to the bank we both felt the "urge" to stop at a popular candy store..See's Chocolates,for some self indulgence & an Easter gift.
When we got to the bank, we got inside & had to wait a couple of minutes at most before a female banker came over and asked us to sit down at her desk. After just a couple of minutes of information exchange and ID, she left us to make copies of the paperwork. Then..
I heard Melanie mumble something as she looked up and behind me.... I only heard the words, "...we are being robbed." I followed her eyes and knew I could not turn around in my chair to look - it would draw attention to me. Her hands then went to her cell phone slowly and I whispered for her to be careful. Then I looked and saw my wallet sitting so plain upon the desk.
At that same moment I heard his voice, quiet, but plain, asking for the money telling the teller that it was not a joke, that she was too slow, to hurry, faster, faster he said. I expected him to come over to us. I remember thinking, I will tell him to just take the whole wallet. But he didn't come to us, he just ran out the door. Melanie had called 911 and got an answering machine asking her to hold.. Unbelievable... She was the first to notify 911... as she had them on the phone I had to scold and get the women to shut up and help identify the robber. Benefits of being a police dispatcher years ago kicked in to ask for details of his appearance from head to toe and his direction of travel which was on foot.
One by one, each began to recall details. He was shaved baldwhich was seen from behind but was wearing a straw hat with a black band. He had an obvious bad curly and long phony beard and sunglasses... he wore an over sized track,running suit with double white stripes and shoes with green and yellow around the heels. He was white. Funny what you can remember when pressed and calmed.
It took another 2 hours of statements, lock down, detectives, videos, etc before we were finally escorted to our car with our paperwork finally in hand. Neither of us were ever shaking and I wonder why. What kept us so calm? To us, so much that afternoon happened at first, without rhyme or reason until we reflected later.. happened to put us there and then. How the story is told we won't know, but we do know that between her quick call and my interrogating the women to put the information out... the bad guy WAS caught in a near by theater having discarded his disguise.
Was it the wrong place at the wrong time? Or the right place at the right time? No one will ever know for certain. But, I will forever consider it one of my luckiest days ever. Not because we were in a bank robbery, but because when we were in one, the robber was scared, rushed and not violent towards anyone... unlike many others that result in death, injury or mental terrorism.
I
I have your attention now. Robbery.
I needed to go to the bank, but first we needed to take her dog to the groomer's. Before we headed to the bank we both felt the "urge" to stop at a popular candy store..See's Chocolates,for some self indulgence & an Easter gift.
When we got to the bank, we got inside & had to wait a couple of minutes at most before a female banker came over and asked us to sit down at her desk. After just a couple of minutes of information exchange and ID, she left us to make copies of the paperwork. Then..
I heard Melanie mumble something as she looked up and behind me.... I only heard the words, "...we are being robbed." I followed her eyes and knew I could not turn around in my chair to look - it would draw attention to me. Her hands then went to her cell phone slowly and I whispered for her to be careful. Then I looked and saw my wallet sitting so plain upon the desk.
At that same moment I heard his voice, quiet, but plain, asking for the money telling the teller that it was not a joke, that she was too slow, to hurry, faster, faster he said. I expected him to come over to us. I remember thinking, I will tell him to just take the whole wallet. But he didn't come to us, he just ran out the door. Melanie had called 911 and got an answering machine asking her to hold.. Unbelievable... She was the first to notify 911... as she had them on the phone I had to scold and get the women to shut up and help identify the robber. Benefits of being a police dispatcher years ago kicked in to ask for details of his appearance from head to toe and his direction of travel which was on foot.
One by one, each began to recall details. He was shaved baldwhich was seen from behind but was wearing a straw hat with a black band. He had an obvious bad curly and long phony beard and sunglasses... he wore an over sized track,running suit with double white stripes and shoes with green and yellow around the heels. He was white. Funny what you can remember when pressed and calmed.
It took another 2 hours of statements, lock down, detectives, videos, etc before we were finally escorted to our car with our paperwork finally in hand. Neither of us were ever shaking and I wonder why. What kept us so calm? To us, so much that afternoon happened at first, without rhyme or reason until we reflected later.. happened to put us there and then. How the story is told we won't know, but we do know that between her quick call and my interrogating the women to put the information out... the bad guy WAS caught in a near by theater having discarded his disguise.
Was it the wrong place at the wrong time? Or the right place at the right time? No one will ever know for certain. But, I will forever consider it one of my luckiest days ever. Not because we were in a bank robbery, but because when we were in one, the robber was scared, rushed and not violent towards anyone... unlike many others that result in death, injury or mental terrorism.
I
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The Final Farewell
For weeks I have had Gary in my life, since his death. In my dreams, when I walk into a room or glance at a hallway. There he is. Not interfering or frightening. He is as plain as this monitor, void of emotion but there and watching.
Since we began clearing out his apt. I kept telling my daughter that something was missing. It was stressing me out terribly. We looked under tables, the bed, under the couch and cushions. On the last day we cleared everything out I had to start from go and look above and below every single thing to find that nagging feeling I was missing something important.
Eventually we cleared it all out and as we shut the door for the final thing I finally burst out crying but not for long. I had to be brave for my daughter but in truth, I wanted to sit there longer and sob until there were no tears.
Later that night I finally broke down and told me daughter of the constant sightings of my brother. He was everywhere and it felt like he was waiting. But for what Maybe I was right, something truly was missing. I cried a lot that night.
About 3:00-3:00 am the following morning I found myself out on the porch looking at some of his things and one of his 3 ring binders caught my eye. Selfishly I like it and thought it would be good to keep some of my writing in there. As I looked for things left in every crevice I found less than a dollars change, a stamp and an eye doctors release so he could drive. As I closed it, that strong inner voice told me to look further. I had checked every pocket. But one pocket was deep, so once again I put my fingers down, but deeper and there it was.. As I pulled the two pages out from deep in the pocket I knew immediately this was it.
There were some websites with his name and passwords and then there were names and numbers not meant for any family member to see. This was it! He knew his kids could never have understood or been at ease with it. Yes, it is incredibly private. But it was what he waited for me to find... not only the few business contacts but the 2 pages of names that would bring his family nothing but pain they need never know. I almost instantly felt relief, knowing this was what was missing. These papers of his indiscretions that needed to be destroyed and unseen by his family.
That night, in prayer, I told Gary I knew I had found what was keeping him here. I asked him to trust me, that no one would ever see it and I would destroy it. I told him it was time for him to east back and go to his family and let me finish his business. I asked him to please stop being everywhere; I needed to move onward and so did he. That was the very first night he was not in my dreams.
'
He didn't follow me the next day and I felt a huge sense of relief for myself and a sense of completion for Gary. All was removed and his secret taken care of. Now, I truly have to think hard to conjure up his face and he no longer stands behind me.
I hope all is well, Gary. That you can now walk forward and embrace your new found peace.
I love you.
Since we began clearing out his apt. I kept telling my daughter that something was missing. It was stressing me out terribly. We looked under tables, the bed, under the couch and cushions. On the last day we cleared everything out I had to start from go and look above and below every single thing to find that nagging feeling I was missing something important.
Eventually we cleared it all out and as we shut the door for the final thing I finally burst out crying but not for long. I had to be brave for my daughter but in truth, I wanted to sit there longer and sob until there were no tears.
Later that night I finally broke down and told me daughter of the constant sightings of my brother. He was everywhere and it felt like he was waiting. But for what Maybe I was right, something truly was missing. I cried a lot that night.
About 3:00-3:00 am the following morning I found myself out on the porch looking at some of his things and one of his 3 ring binders caught my eye. Selfishly I like it and thought it would be good to keep some of my writing in there. As I looked for things left in every crevice I found less than a dollars change, a stamp and an eye doctors release so he could drive. As I closed it, that strong inner voice told me to look further. I had checked every pocket. But one pocket was deep, so once again I put my fingers down, but deeper and there it was.. As I pulled the two pages out from deep in the pocket I knew immediately this was it.
There were some websites with his name and passwords and then there were names and numbers not meant for any family member to see. This was it! He knew his kids could never have understood or been at ease with it. Yes, it is incredibly private. But it was what he waited for me to find... not only the few business contacts but the 2 pages of names that would bring his family nothing but pain they need never know. I almost instantly felt relief, knowing this was what was missing. These papers of his indiscretions that needed to be destroyed and unseen by his family.
That night, in prayer, I told Gary I knew I had found what was keeping him here. I asked him to trust me, that no one would ever see it and I would destroy it. I told him it was time for him to east back and go to his family and let me finish his business. I asked him to please stop being everywhere; I needed to move onward and so did he. That was the very first night he was not in my dreams.
'
He didn't follow me the next day and I felt a huge sense of relief for myself and a sense of completion for Gary. All was removed and his secret taken care of. Now, I truly have to think hard to conjure up his face and he no longer stands behind me.
I hope all is well, Gary. That you can now walk forward and embrace your new found peace.
I love you.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Crazy Things That Come Up
It is astounding all the crazy things that come up when you are dealing with death. There are so many people and companies to notify which pains your heart each time as you have to keep announcing out loud that your brother suddenly passed away. Over and over again; mostly met with kindness and words of condolence, you disconnect his services. You take away that parts of his life that were his life. You disconnect the phone he called you on, the tv and cable he enjoyed, his car insurance, renter's insurance, dry cleaners and oh, so much more. I watched him die on that hospital bed but in my heart he is still here. Do I lose a little more of him with each disconnect? Or do I give him more peace that his life is being taken care of respectfully and cautiously?
And after some calls, I receive his mail informing him that he has been disconnected due to death; or one stated we have refunded the month as he is now a decedent. We went through it all on the phone but they have to put it in writing for some sort of confirmation from them, I guess. The most difficult company to accept his death and stop billing is shockingly Pay Pal. A mere $8.65 per month they won't accept all the personal info I have like other businesses have. I have to mail the Death Certificate, my copy of the will stating my power of executor, both sides of my drivers license and only then will they consider my request. Pay Pal, are you kidding me? After 45 min waiting for someone to answer, these hoops I must jump through? Even the IRS is making a few requests but I'd expect it from them... Pay Pal, you and I will never, ever do business when this is ended. Compassion plays a huge role in customer relations. If you do not have it, I do not visit you again.
Tomorrow will be a quick trip to his apartment as I have to work. I always feel he is going to suddenly walk around the corner there or I will turn and he will be laying on the couch. Please, I hope, let this be the last week there. We should have every item out and home with me to continue to take care of and share or donate. The paperwork will be many weeks in completing.
I love you Gary.
And after some calls, I receive his mail informing him that he has been disconnected due to death; or one stated we have refunded the month as he is now a decedent. We went through it all on the phone but they have to put it in writing for some sort of confirmation from them, I guess. The most difficult company to accept his death and stop billing is shockingly Pay Pal. A mere $8.65 per month they won't accept all the personal info I have like other businesses have. I have to mail the Death Certificate, my copy of the will stating my power of executor, both sides of my drivers license and only then will they consider my request. Pay Pal, are you kidding me? After 45 min waiting for someone to answer, these hoops I must jump through? Even the IRS is making a few requests but I'd expect it from them... Pay Pal, you and I will never, ever do business when this is ended. Compassion plays a huge role in customer relations. If you do not have it, I do not visit you again.
Tomorrow will be a quick trip to his apartment as I have to work. I always feel he is going to suddenly walk around the corner there or I will turn and he will be laying on the couch. Please, I hope, let this be the last week there. We should have every item out and home with me to continue to take care of and share or donate. The paperwork will be many weeks in completing.
I love you Gary.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother
I have my brother's cremations now, they sit on a special shelf in my closet as I mix and mash so many decisions on burial. He lost his daughter in 2010, Becky age 33, to colon cancer and it was long and hard and sad beyond words. For private reasons, my brother couldn't let go, he couldn't release her ashes to anyone or decide on a burial site. He just didn't want to let go. For many years in her life he wasn't there and bad things happened. Now, he had her safe with him.
I contacted the family and offered to bury her with her dad... who in turn wants to be buried with his dad. The gracious cemetery said we could bury daughter and father with my brother and my father. I felt the universe came together without disruption or angst regarding the issue. so soon I will have Becky with her Dad here at home until we can come together with a time for those who want to come and respectfully observe the opening of my father's grave and the placement of Gary and his daughter, Becky in the burial plot. As per Gary's wishes there will be no graveside services but I am hoping the Spirit to help move me to write a prose to speak briefly before we are to leave the site.
I am beyond exhausted tonight. Each day my eyes get redder, a little more swollen and even I can see the sadness placed firmly in them. In 2 weeks and 1 night I have not had a full night's sleep and not one night without dreams of Gary. Always he seems to be standing by the side of my dream, showing me he is there. Other nights he is watching me go over the papers in my dreams, worrying if I am doing it right. I turn and he is there. Not judgemental or sad or happy, but watching, observing his kid sister. Is it all in my mind? I thought so the first 3 nights but it has been 14 nights now. Every single night he is there. I have no fear of it and feel that after such a dramatic, traumatic and darn hard life, he is making sure he ends in peace and favor. Gary, you know I am doing my best and have found much that speaks so well of how you took a hard, difficult life and in the past decade turned your life around and made good on your mistakes. You took hold of your life and moved forward with positive goals and achievements. You reached them, my brother. You cleared your name and your history and ended your life a wonderful, respectful human being. And you did it on your own. God Bless You. God Will Bless You.
You had no family as a child to guide you; our foster homes were horrific but you escaped them and began life on your own at 17. Bumps, chuckholes, forks in the road made you stumble. Our Dad helped at times but never taught you how to live and plan in the world on your own. But, in time, you did it. On your own!!! You hit bottom hard but instead of wallowing in despair, you pulled yourself up and fought the fight for over 20 years to clear your record, your debts and finally be able to stand proud and tall. I am the only living relative who knows your history completely and I say to you I could be no prouder. I love you my brother.
Hopefully, I can reach the point where you can feel peace and the Lord. our mom loved you so much and is beside you now. You need to step back and let me continue your business. I need to find my rest and peace. Hopefully soon, you will grant me that.
I contacted the family and offered to bury her with her dad... who in turn wants to be buried with his dad. The gracious cemetery said we could bury daughter and father with my brother and my father. I felt the universe came together without disruption or angst regarding the issue. so soon I will have Becky with her Dad here at home until we can come together with a time for those who want to come and respectfully observe the opening of my father's grave and the placement of Gary and his daughter, Becky in the burial plot. As per Gary's wishes there will be no graveside services but I am hoping the Spirit to help move me to write a prose to speak briefly before we are to leave the site.
I am beyond exhausted tonight. Each day my eyes get redder, a little more swollen and even I can see the sadness placed firmly in them. In 2 weeks and 1 night I have not had a full night's sleep and not one night without dreams of Gary. Always he seems to be standing by the side of my dream, showing me he is there. Other nights he is watching me go over the papers in my dreams, worrying if I am doing it right. I turn and he is there. Not judgemental or sad or happy, but watching, observing his kid sister. Is it all in my mind? I thought so the first 3 nights but it has been 14 nights now. Every single night he is there. I have no fear of it and feel that after such a dramatic, traumatic and darn hard life, he is making sure he ends in peace and favor. Gary, you know I am doing my best and have found much that speaks so well of how you took a hard, difficult life and in the past decade turned your life around and made good on your mistakes. You took hold of your life and moved forward with positive goals and achievements. You reached them, my brother. You cleared your name and your history and ended your life a wonderful, respectful human being. And you did it on your own. God Bless You. God Will Bless You.
You had no family as a child to guide you; our foster homes were horrific but you escaped them and began life on your own at 17. Bumps, chuckholes, forks in the road made you stumble. Our Dad helped at times but never taught you how to live and plan in the world on your own. But, in time, you did it. On your own!!! You hit bottom hard but instead of wallowing in despair, you pulled yourself up and fought the fight for over 20 years to clear your record, your debts and finally be able to stand proud and tall. I am the only living relative who knows your history completely and I say to you I could be no prouder. I love you my brother.
Hopefully, I can reach the point where you can feel peace and the Lord. our mom loved you so much and is beside you now. You need to step back and let me continue your business. I need to find my rest and peace. Hopefully soon, you will grant me that.
Saturday, March 09, 2013
My Burden Is Heavy
You have never left my mind, any of you, but life came charging with a vengeance that left a path of destruction and despair like I have never known. I am still weary, teary, confused and exhausted to write of it all. But for certain I will when I can type without sore fingertips, arms and my poor thumb joints. When I can sit without the sciatic nerve forcing me out of the chair within minutes. But above it all, when I can type without tears that blind and stop me before I can finish a sentence.
My brother called me a few weeks ago with terrible news. The cancer he fought so hard against thru experimental surgery and weeks of anxiety and recuperation came back with more than a vengeance. He called me crying and scared on the 21st of Feb. With chemo he would have 6 months, and without he had 2-3 months. He wanted to live and was so terrified of death.
We talked and talked. He decided to go with chemo to fill those extra weeks with life. He went in on Feb. 26th, to begin. He was optimistic. They gave him benadryl because in the past he had severe reactions to the chemo. Then, they administered the chemo and within moments he coded. They tried, at the Cancer Center to save him. Then the ambulance and short drive to the St. Mark's Hospital where they worked for over 20 min. before returning a pulse.
I was called and told to hurry as I was his power of attorney. I gave the order to not resuscitate or engage in any valiant efforts to save his life as were his wishes. He died within 7 minutes of shutting off the medicines. He died expecting to go home with Round 1 complete.
Within 30 min. they asked who the executor of his will was. It was me. Then began and continues the most difficult moments of my life. The irony? He died on the same day as our mother we loved so much.
So please be patient. I am buried in obligations of respectfully closing and finalizing his life.
My brother called me a few weeks ago with terrible news. The cancer he fought so hard against thru experimental surgery and weeks of anxiety and recuperation came back with more than a vengeance. He called me crying and scared on the 21st of Feb. With chemo he would have 6 months, and without he had 2-3 months. He wanted to live and was so terrified of death.
We talked and talked. He decided to go with chemo to fill those extra weeks with life. He went in on Feb. 26th, to begin. He was optimistic. They gave him benadryl because in the past he had severe reactions to the chemo. Then, they administered the chemo and within moments he coded. They tried, at the Cancer Center to save him. Then the ambulance and short drive to the St. Mark's Hospital where they worked for over 20 min. before returning a pulse.
I was called and told to hurry as I was his power of attorney. I gave the order to not resuscitate or engage in any valiant efforts to save his life as were his wishes. He died within 7 minutes of shutting off the medicines. He died expecting to go home with Round 1 complete.
Within 30 min. they asked who the executor of his will was. It was me. Then began and continues the most difficult moments of my life. The irony? He died on the same day as our mother we loved so much.
So please be patient. I am buried in obligations of respectfully closing and finalizing his life.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Back to Go..
It isn't easy being a patient, is it? That hard part for me is that I am finding more and more that I have to double check everything for myself. If you have any questions that don't get answered or what the doctor tells you does not makes sense to you or you feel your issues weren't all addressed. I suggest you get a second opinion or verbally tell your doctor you are unsure about your appointment and what him/her to explain carefully and in layman's terms what he feels is wrong. It can save your life or just give you more comfort and understanding.
I've been uncomfortable with how quickly my doctor felt the cholesterol drugs were destroying my legs. He based it entirely on the fact that my severe pain seemed to subside a bit after I got off those pills. So, he ASSUMED they were the cause.
Since then, I've talked to a couple seasoned pharmacists who say they have never heard of someone having the muscular issues so very long after first taking them. Generally, if you are going to have this happen it will be right away, not 12 years later. He suggests I talk again the the doctor asap as I need to be back on at least the Pravachol due to my serious cholesterol/Tri-glyceride issues. The next step would be to find out if it is the Sciatic Nerve causing all this pain and if so, possibly a neuro-type medication could alleve a good deal of the pinching and severe pain.
So that is the latest. Pain is worse everyday and limping today no matter how hard I tried not to.
Again, is this good news or bad news? Will the doctor be offended I went over his head or will he be willing to get me back on those meds and move forward.
I've been uncomfortable with how quickly my doctor felt the cholesterol drugs were destroying my legs. He based it entirely on the fact that my severe pain seemed to subside a bit after I got off those pills. So, he ASSUMED they were the cause.
Since then, I've talked to a couple seasoned pharmacists who say they have never heard of someone having the muscular issues so very long after first taking them. Generally, if you are going to have this happen it will be right away, not 12 years later. He suggests I talk again the the doctor asap as I need to be back on at least the Pravachol due to my serious cholesterol/Tri-glyceride issues. The next step would be to find out if it is the Sciatic Nerve causing all this pain and if so, possibly a neuro-type medication could alleve a good deal of the pinching and severe pain.
So that is the latest. Pain is worse everyday and limping today no matter how hard I tried not to.
Again, is this good news or bad news? Will the doctor be offended I went over his head or will he be willing to get me back on those meds and move forward.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Documentary Assault on Waco, My View/Critique
I wrote this last night, 02-11-2013 on my facebook page. It is something I feel deep in my heart. If you've read my profile you will recall I was a talk radio show host for a number of years. It was during the time of Randy Weaver, Waco and the Atlanta Bombing. But Waco was the story I was pulled into with an anonymous tip and the rest was listener history. It was a horror story because of the story, a horror story because of the lies and endless attempts to cover the truth up, a horror story because it never needed to happen. I happened upon this last night and was grateful I did. It was on the Military Channel and called "Assault on Waco".
******
Watching the "Assault on Waco" on the Military Channel. This was my baby when on the radio. I covered it extensively. So far, the first hour has only 2 major falsehoods. Memories are flooding back; I interviewed Koresh's mom. After it is over I will post if I recommend it. No one should ever forget what happened in 1993 in Waco, Texas.. especially since the media lied and lied for the first few years after. Some agents finally came clean. Oh, commercial is over..
******
On the day 51, the govt order ambulances and fire trucks to come out but ordered them to stay quite a distance away. During the insertion of the gas thru the doors, windows and roofs of the compound, no ambulances were allowed. When the fire broke out and turned quickly to an inferno, no fire trucks were allowed. The 21 children and moms were a bunker that the govt was aware of. Somehow, a tank was parked over their exit. There is just so much more. If any good came out? BBC filmed it all while ours did not. This impatient group just have up and decided to gas them out using a gas that was declared TOO DANGEROUS AND DEADLY to even use in WAR!! WACO haunts me. If you don't know the story, this was close to the truth with some major deletions, of course, so their atrosities over and over don't come out. ASSAULT ON WACO. I plan to see if it is available from the Military Channel for purchase. So many don't know that our govt planned and carried out mass murder on it's own citizens less than 20 years ago.
******
A Mr. Schroeder was killed outside the compound early on, his body riddled with bullets and stuck upon the fence he was crawling over. After several days and in the site of the compound, a helicopter used a large grappling hook to dislodge him and take him away. The children were denied milk for days and sanitation was denied. The poor mothers used buckets to lower sewage from the windows in an attempt to keep clean and as sanitary as possible.
The Feds feared Koresh would committ suicide in the beginning, a fear that Koresh continually told them was not true and is all on record. Agent Jamar, the Death Man with no patience, advised Janet Reno he felt that Koresh would do this and take everyone with him.. so she foolishly authorized the assault on Day 51 with the use of tear gas. As prepared as the Davidians were, their small number of gas masks were no match for the CF4 Gas, the most deadly & tortuous. Long before they were burned alive, they suffered great pain. There was NO reason to not wait a few more days. Conditions were being met... There is so much more but this, I know, is much for you who are new to this. I interviewed Koresh's mother just before the attack. No one, believed they would storm the families.
******
The Montana Militia forced a stand off a couple of months later, but this time they learned and waited them out and no one died.
******
Watching the "Assault on Waco" on the Military Channel. This was my baby when on the radio. I covered it extensively. So far, the first hour has only 2 major falsehoods. Memories are flooding back; I interviewed Koresh's mom. After it is over I will post if I recommend it. No one should ever forget what happened in 1993 in Waco, Texas.. especially since the media lied and lied for the first few years after. Some agents finally came clean. Oh, commercial is over..
******
On the day 51, the govt order ambulances and fire trucks to come out but ordered them to stay quite a distance away. During the insertion of the gas thru the doors, windows and roofs of the compound, no ambulances were allowed. When the fire broke out and turned quickly to an inferno, no fire trucks were allowed. The 21 children and moms were a bunker that the govt was aware of. Somehow, a tank was parked over their exit. There is just so much more. If any good came out? BBC filmed it all while ours did not. This impatient group just have up and decided to gas them out using a gas that was declared TOO DANGEROUS AND DEADLY to even use in WAR!! WACO haunts me. If you don't know the story, this was close to the truth with some major deletions, of course, so their atrosities over and over don't come out. ASSAULT ON WACO. I plan to see if it is available from the Military Channel for purchase. So many don't know that our govt planned and carried out mass murder on it's own citizens less than 20 years ago.
******
A Mr. Schroeder was killed outside the compound early on, his body riddled with bullets and stuck upon the fence he was crawling over. After several days and in the site of the compound, a helicopter used a large grappling hook to dislodge him and take him away. The children were denied milk for days and sanitation was denied. The poor mothers used buckets to lower sewage from the windows in an attempt to keep clean and as sanitary as possible.
The Feds feared Koresh would committ suicide in the beginning, a fear that Koresh continually told them was not true and is all on record. Agent Jamar, the Death Man with no patience, advised Janet Reno he felt that Koresh would do this and take everyone with him.. so she foolishly authorized the assault on Day 51 with the use of tear gas. As prepared as the Davidians were, their small number of gas masks were no match for the CF4 Gas, the most deadly & tortuous. Long before they were burned alive, they suffered great pain. There was NO reason to not wait a few more days. Conditions were being met... There is so much more but this, I know, is much for you who are new to this. I interviewed Koresh's mother just before the attack. No one, believed they would storm the families.
******
The Montana Militia forced a stand off a couple of months later, but this time they learned and waited them out and no one died.
The Pain Is Coming Back.
I don't write of my crazy afflictions in any way to pull in some sympathy. Just the opposite happens to me.. you say how sorry you feel or how worried you are about me and I pull in your sorrow and concerns and wrap it up into a dose of optimism. I grow from your support, not your sadness. It is not I don't appreciate your humble words of condolence or sorrow for me but knowing you are there with me, always, is literally like taking a pill. An upper, an energy booster. You send me from feeling alone here in this blogasphere or on facebook to a higher degree. My worries and pain has a support system. I just try to leave out my occasional bursts of utter sorrow and fear. Now, tears are the best medicine of all.
Tears let the dam break; allow the tension and fears to burst open and flow freely, relieving the pressure that has been building and building. Tension and fear, literally, tightens your muscles. Soon you not only have stress and worry, your muscles begin to ache and tense and you are a mess. Cry.
In front of your family, in your bathroom or under covers. God gave us tears and emotions for a reason. It can be refreshing, like a sauna, hot tub, pedicure or haircut.
Just days after my doctor felt my legs were strictly a sign of the Zetia and Pravachol, the pain is coming back. It is almost as if the tendons behind my knees and around my ankles are stretched to a breaking point. I am back to waking every 30 min or so to sit up and lift my leg up and wrap the blanket to keep it from touching the other leg. My ankles are getting so painful I have to sit up in bed and lift them, place them and moan as I try to position them.
Was it the medicine? It is not the Sciatic Pinch I deal with.. it is once again getting to a point where my mobility is in peril. Could the damage have been done and this is it? Or is it more? Am I missing fluid in my joints and bone to bone?
I ask little more than good thoughts and positive attitudes. Maybe it isn't the meds I took and stopped? Or maybe the damage is permanent. Or ???? Time to go back to work on it before I begin to be unable to walk. I don't plan on letting that happen, The calf pain is coming back...pray for me.
Tears let the dam break; allow the tension and fears to burst open and flow freely, relieving the pressure that has been building and building. Tension and fear, literally, tightens your muscles. Soon you not only have stress and worry, your muscles begin to ache and tense and you are a mess. Cry.
In front of your family, in your bathroom or under covers. God gave us tears and emotions for a reason. It can be refreshing, like a sauna, hot tub, pedicure or haircut.
Just days after my doctor felt my legs were strictly a sign of the Zetia and Pravachol, the pain is coming back. It is almost as if the tendons behind my knees and around my ankles are stretched to a breaking point. I am back to waking every 30 min or so to sit up and lift my leg up and wrap the blanket to keep it from touching the other leg. My ankles are getting so painful I have to sit up in bed and lift them, place them and moan as I try to position them.
Was it the medicine? It is not the Sciatic Pinch I deal with.. it is once again getting to a point where my mobility is in peril. Could the damage have been done and this is it? Or is it more? Am I missing fluid in my joints and bone to bone?
I ask little more than good thoughts and positive attitudes. Maybe it isn't the meds I took and stopped? Or maybe the damage is permanent. Or ???? Time to go back to work on it before I begin to be unable to walk. I don't plan on letting that happen, The calf pain is coming back...pray for me.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Life Expectancy Just Dropped.
A brief update. I saw the doctor today and he confirms the damage to the calves more than likely did come from the Zetia and Pravachol. There is no other drug to take their place. Calmly he turned and told me that my chances of stroke or heart attack were now increased by 2/3. Nice. Just nice.
To have been on the drugs for over 10 years and they are only now causing damage and severe pain is incredible rare. Well, hello!!! How long has every doctor who has diagnosed me said that what I had was very rare. God must think me very special. I like him, too. I take none of these challenges with anger or revenge but intend to grow mentally and physically from them. And be a better person than I am at this very moment.
A couple of my friends think this is all made up and hypochondria.. you know those... they seldom see the doctor, have an emergency and take no to few pills. For some reason, these selfish morons. think that everyone is just like them and if you are not... you have a "mental" problem. I'd like to give them a mental problem, a slap to the head. It wastes my love and determination to deal with those who have and degrade the have-nots. One day, God will flip them in the side of the head and wonder what they were thinking.
I was told to get a blood test soon and see him in 3 months. IF my blood has shoot over the moon we will again try the Pravachol. If not, the diet and excercise is helping. Meanwhile, of course, I worry over every sharp pain in the chest or head. I now God has a reason for me. I will do my bestl A little luck coming from you would surely help.
To have been on the drugs for over 10 years and they are only now causing damage and severe pain is incredible rare. Well, hello!!! How long has every doctor who has diagnosed me said that what I had was very rare. God must think me very special. I like him, too. I take none of these challenges with anger or revenge but intend to grow mentally and physically from them. And be a better person than I am at this very moment.
A couple of my friends think this is all made up and hypochondria.. you know those... they seldom see the doctor, have an emergency and take no to few pills. For some reason, these selfish morons. think that everyone is just like them and if you are not... you have a "mental" problem. I'd like to give them a mental problem, a slap to the head. It wastes my love and determination to deal with those who have and degrade the have-nots. One day, God will flip them in the side of the head and wonder what they were thinking.
I was told to get a blood test soon and see him in 3 months. IF my blood has shoot over the moon we will again try the Pravachol. If not, the diet and excercise is helping. Meanwhile, of course, I worry over every sharp pain in the chest or head. I now God has a reason for me. I will do my bestl A little luck coming from you would surely help.
Sunday, February 03, 2013
I Choose To Feel Special
I can't believe it is February. I have been here, life has been moving along and yet somehow, I got neutral and fogged in my duties to blog. It is actually a good thing because things have been quite normal. We are again sharing coughs, sneezes and sore throats. Which I am blaming a lot on the very bad air quality we've had for weeks. One day, Salt Lake was rated No. 1 for having the worst air quality in the country. That's nice. That's not something we want to be No. 1 for.
An update on my legs and my Christmas Miracle. Remember I told you I still had some discomfort but nothing like the crippling, excruciating pain of Nov and Dec? The past 2 weeks I noticed that the pain and tightening in my calves and upper thighs was returning more day by day.Around Jan.26 I arose and noticed the pain was rapidly increasing and by last Tuesday I could barely get up or lift my legs. (However,very painful... NOT the overwhelming pain of before). My neighbor is a recently retired nurse who saw me get out of my car and wince to the door. We talked and the phone and she convinced me to call the doctor immediately. So, the current story is I am now also off my cholesterol medicine which for 11 yrs was Lipitor and the last 6 months, Pravachol. Apparently, between the Zetia and Pravachol, Lipitor, all statins... my muscles were straining to a point of rupturing.
I meet with the doctor this Wednesday to see where to go next for my high cholesterol and triglycerides. Not only that, I can no longer afford my insulin. Obamacare has scared the drug companies into cutting back on samples for doctors. The insulin would cost me $228 about every 4 weeks and I do not have the money. I am scared. Serious dieting must happen... but what will he suggest when I have Diabetes, Crohn's Disease, Gastroparesis, High Cholesterol and the diets contradict each other?
I am praying the Lord will bless the doctor with wisdom and help for me. Without my chol. meds I fear every day of stroke or heart attack. It is so much to think about and I could easily fall into a mental blob of pity and severe anxiety or anger wondering why.
I choose to feel special, to feel that God had a better purpose for me on this earth and perhaps I had to see these challenges to reach the stage I can be of a greater service to Him. God is not cruel or vengeful and surely I must have been a good candidate in the pre-existence and I hope to not let Him down.
Anytime I spend looking back and feeling sad, distracts and takes away time I need now to move forward in taking the next steps.
An update on my legs and my Christmas Miracle. Remember I told you I still had some discomfort but nothing like the crippling, excruciating pain of Nov and Dec? The past 2 weeks I noticed that the pain and tightening in my calves and upper thighs was returning more day by day.Around Jan.26 I arose and noticed the pain was rapidly increasing and by last Tuesday I could barely get up or lift my legs. (However,very painful... NOT the overwhelming pain of before). My neighbor is a recently retired nurse who saw me get out of my car and wince to the door. We talked and the phone and she convinced me to call the doctor immediately. So, the current story is I am now also off my cholesterol medicine which for 11 yrs was Lipitor and the last 6 months, Pravachol. Apparently, between the Zetia and Pravachol, Lipitor, all statins... my muscles were straining to a point of rupturing.
I meet with the doctor this Wednesday to see where to go next for my high cholesterol and triglycerides. Not only that, I can no longer afford my insulin. Obamacare has scared the drug companies into cutting back on samples for doctors. The insulin would cost me $228 about every 4 weeks and I do not have the money. I am scared. Serious dieting must happen... but what will he suggest when I have Diabetes, Crohn's Disease, Gastroparesis, High Cholesterol and the diets contradict each other?
I am praying the Lord will bless the doctor with wisdom and help for me. Without my chol. meds I fear every day of stroke or heart attack. It is so much to think about and I could easily fall into a mental blob of pity and severe anxiety or anger wondering why.
I choose to feel special, to feel that God had a better purpose for me on this earth and perhaps I had to see these challenges to reach the stage I can be of a greater service to Him. God is not cruel or vengeful and surely I must have been a good candidate in the pre-existence and I hope to not let Him down.
Anytime I spend looking back and feeling sad, distracts and takes away time I need now to move forward in taking the next steps.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Blessed.
It has been a rather usual period of time that has passed. I kept typing "unusual" instead because that is how things generally are but it seriously has been business as usual. That puts me on edge. I think this is the longest I've gone in some time now without an adventure or unlikely experience. Don't think for a moment I am taking it for granted but I am savoring it. How long can normality exist around here? Ha, we shall see.
My husband says I worry far too much what others will think but that is just who I am and when I have tried to brush things off I dwell on them more. Some people are sympathetic, or apathetic but I am top to bottom empathetic. I feel every one's pain, sorrow and laughter. It was first brought to my attention when I was in junior high school. Aunt Alberta, my foster mom, noticed that kids from school would call me at home and ask advice, mostly about social situations or the pangs of falling in love. We talked about it when I was older and we just couldn't pin in down. I cannot presume to know what it is that tells a person that I am someone they can trust to hear their story. In the beginning it was disarming because I was still wary of everyone after coming out of a nightmare foster home. When I began realizing it was sincere and they weren't trying to set me up or anything sinister I found peace with it.
The phone rang often. On a couple of occasions it was a "dreamy" boy from school who was looking to ask out a certain "someone" and did I know what "she" liked or how to ask "her". Then it sometimes turned to calls needing reassurance because of a break up. I helped to advise several young men that I had my own eyes on. One married the girl and they now have 5 kids.
In the next 40 years it has been simply a way of life for me.Whether it is family life, community friends, people I've worked with or strangers I met at a garage sale, I have been blessed with hearing many stories and seeing many things that I hope have helped some one's life feel a little better than it was before. I would like to thank God for trusting this in me. I know that I could not see what I've seen, know what I know without Angels. Tonight, I am feeling so blessed.
My husband says I worry far too much what others will think but that is just who I am and when I have tried to brush things off I dwell on them more. Some people are sympathetic, or apathetic but I am top to bottom empathetic. I feel every one's pain, sorrow and laughter. It was first brought to my attention when I was in junior high school. Aunt Alberta, my foster mom, noticed that kids from school would call me at home and ask advice, mostly about social situations or the pangs of falling in love. We talked about it when I was older and we just couldn't pin in down. I cannot presume to know what it is that tells a person that I am someone they can trust to hear their story. In the beginning it was disarming because I was still wary of everyone after coming out of a nightmare foster home. When I began realizing it was sincere and they weren't trying to set me up or anything sinister I found peace with it.
The phone rang often. On a couple of occasions it was a "dreamy" boy from school who was looking to ask out a certain "someone" and did I know what "she" liked or how to ask "her". Then it sometimes turned to calls needing reassurance because of a break up. I helped to advise several young men that I had my own eyes on. One married the girl and they now have 5 kids.
In the next 40 years it has been simply a way of life for me.Whether it is family life, community friends, people I've worked with or strangers I met at a garage sale, I have been blessed with hearing many stories and seeing many things that I hope have helped some one's life feel a little better than it was before. I would like to thank God for trusting this in me. I know that I could not see what I've seen, know what I know without Angels. Tonight, I am feeling so blessed.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
A Quick Mix Pkg
Bill seems to have made a final decision. No more operations concerning the defibrillator and pacemaker. The doctors and Bill have decided to keep him on antibiotics the rest of his life and hope that will be sufficient. He is feeling better than a long time but his weakness is still there. Family is going to try and keep him active, keep his spirits and make his life more eventful. He tends to let his frustration and fears a priority instead of his blessings and his family. But, I think that is normal considering all that he has gone through for some time.
Next week I have to sit with my doctor and explain to him the Zetia episode and how no others will ever have to go through what I did. I still have pain in my calves that on occasion will buckle my knee but they are now few and far between. I am aware this may never go away, but the crippling pain that kept me in tears and writhing in agony seem to be over. Andrew left a fairly large toy in my hallway. 4 weeks ago I would have had to ask someone to move it or try to slide my foot enough to move it a bit away as I could not get my foot the 4" off the ground to walk over it.
Sometimes, people should take the time to weigh the good things in their life against the bad. It truly puts things in perspective. Sure, I have quite a few afflictions, most will never ease or be cured, however I know of many who have just 1 or 2 afflictions that will end their lives in a few months or year or two, some who can no longer walk or care for themselves and a dear, sweet friend who has troubles remembering the simplest of things. An artist friend, so crippled with arthritis she can no longer even sign her name.
I still have the issues with all my digestion from the semi working epiglottis that at times has caused me to choke to near unconsciousness just by swallowing wrong while talking, or swallowing with my head straight up instead of leaning forward. The wrong foods, and wow, there are so many now that can make me ill for several days. The Crohn's disease that calls for one diet, Diabetes call for another, Gastroparesis calls for another and the cholesterol calls for yet another. My doctor has said we can only log it and go by trial and error. I fear I may never lose the 20-25# I need to when most I can eat are high in carbs and calories. Soon, the sciatic nerve will be in remission and I can get on my dear
exercise bike and slowly work up to a good length of work out.
Well, I have truly rambled thru much tonight but with the grandkids wanting computer time, by the time I get it at night, I am too tired.
Tale care. Be Happy and find Peace and Joy in something each day.
Next week I have to sit with my doctor and explain to him the Zetia episode and how no others will ever have to go through what I did. I still have pain in my calves that on occasion will buckle my knee but they are now few and far between. I am aware this may never go away, but the crippling pain that kept me in tears and writhing in agony seem to be over. Andrew left a fairly large toy in my hallway. 4 weeks ago I would have had to ask someone to move it or try to slide my foot enough to move it a bit away as I could not get my foot the 4" off the ground to walk over it.
Sometimes, people should take the time to weigh the good things in their life against the bad. It truly puts things in perspective. Sure, I have quite a few afflictions, most will never ease or be cured, however I know of many who have just 1 or 2 afflictions that will end their lives in a few months or year or two, some who can no longer walk or care for themselves and a dear, sweet friend who has troubles remembering the simplest of things. An artist friend, so crippled with arthritis she can no longer even sign her name.
I still have the issues with all my digestion from the semi working epiglottis that at times has caused me to choke to near unconsciousness just by swallowing wrong while talking, or swallowing with my head straight up instead of leaning forward. The wrong foods, and wow, there are so many now that can make me ill for several days. The Crohn's disease that calls for one diet, Diabetes call for another, Gastroparesis calls for another and the cholesterol calls for yet another. My doctor has said we can only log it and go by trial and error. I fear I may never lose the 20-25# I need to when most I can eat are high in carbs and calories. Soon, the sciatic nerve will be in remission and I can get on my dear
exercise bike and slowly work up to a good length of work out.
Well, I have truly rambled thru much tonight but with the grandkids wanting computer time, by the time I get it at night, I am too tired.
Tale care. Be Happy and find Peace and Joy in something each day.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Bill Came Home Today
A good surprise, Bill was able to come home this morning. His family is thrilled, but Bill is in the clouds loving every little thing at home, that he had taken for granted before this.
There is still some minor infection but it should clear up soon.
Then he has to make the serious decision to have defib replaced with a pacemaker. He's been warned that the operation itself could be very difficult on him, no guarantees he would survive the surgery but if he did he would have a noticeably greater and longer life ahead.
So he and his wife and kids are helping weigh the risks but ultimately it is for Bill to decide. He knows we will all support him no matter what he chooses.
There is still some minor infection but it should clear up soon.
Then he has to make the serious decision to have defib replaced with a pacemaker. He's been warned that the operation itself could be very difficult on him, no guarantees he would survive the surgery but if he did he would have a noticeably greater and longer life ahead.
So he and his wife and kids are helping weigh the risks but ultimately it is for Bill to decide. He knows we will all support him no matter what he chooses.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Bill's Update
Tomorrow, Bill is supposed to be driven from the rehab center to the hospital and get checked to see if these weeks of antibiotics have cleared up from around his heart. We are all hopeful. When he is declared all clear then the doctors will prepare to remove his bad defibrillator and replace it with a pacemaker, We know that operation will be difficult for him, his background and age.
Lots of anxiety in the family quelled with the feeling all will work out well. I will continue to keep you posted. That family truly needs their Patriarch.
Lots of anxiety in the family quelled with the feeling all will work out well. I will continue to keep you posted. That family truly needs their Patriarch.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
My Christmas Miracle
I survived the Holidays. I got the presents bought and wrapped in time without a panic attack. I was surrounded with the light of the grand kids, watching my daughter sing a beautiful Christmas Duet from the pulpit in church and lost my depression somewhere in between the good things.
It's New Year's Day and I live it full of promise and hope. After all, I had a Christmas Miracle.
My legs had been getting much worse, the pain at times was as close to unbearable as I ever want to be. I did much hidden crying and moaning, writhing in awful pain all night long. By then, my calves on each leg were worsening rapidly. I can only give this description: Imagine keeping your legs stiff and holding onto something firmly. Then imagine someone with a 2" galvanized pipe slamming it into your calves full force or the worse charlie horse you've ever had but it never eases. I got to where I could barely lift my left foot much over an inch or so off the ground. I shuffled from room to room trying not to moan out loud with each step. My days were filled with constant sitting, stirring, lying. tossing, dragging my feet.... I wish I could say I am exaggerating but I am not. There aren't enough words to fully describe it. All this was in addition to the pinched sciatic nerve which was slowly beginning to heal from the inflammation.
Then the Miracle began. It certainly didn't seem to be a Miracle but a tragedy for me. For 12 yrs I have been taking a drug called Zetia to help me with dangerously high level of Triglycerides in my blood, so high, in fact, the doctor took a large blood sample and it was sent to several large clinics back East for study. They felt I should have had a stroke or heart attack at those levels... if you know what the highs are you will still be stunned to know mine were just over 2,000 and are now down to about 450 which is still high but great news for my situation. I digress, Sorry, I tend to do that.
Zetia was always given to me through samples left with the doctor as they knew I could never afford the expensive drug and my case was so unusual. I think only once did I pay and it was apprx. $200 for a 30 day supply. Suddenly 3 weeks ago I called for my samples and heard there were none. They also said that due to the upcoming Obamacare, the Pharmaceutical Reps were no longer giving out as many samples and stopping some. Just like that. No Zetia. My natural drama had my mind racing that I would have a stroke and soon. Never miss a pill I was told all these years. I was terrified and now I can say this was a big part of my sudden depression. There is no generic or similar medication.
So the days went by, my fear continued. I looked on the Internet about Zetia. I learned you are NOT supposed to be on it for long periods of time and you are NOT supposed to suddenly stop. Great!!
12 years and a sudden stop. I felt doomed and desolate.
Two days before Christmas I heard a noise out front the house early in the morning and hopped out of bed and hurried to the window. It wasn't important. There was the newspaper waiting for me and....
and "what the heck?" I had literally "hopped" out of bed and hurried with both legs lifting and knees bending to the window. I could walk. I giggled quietly and took steps to the left, turned and walked forward and backwards like a drunk I was. Giddy. The pain was in my knee but different; this time I could turn with my knee and not pivoting on my foot. My feet lifted a foot or more,,,,
Dan walked in then. I grabbed his hand. Look. Watch this. I walked with pride from the kitchen to the window and back. He didn't say a word. I raised my legs and touched my calves which before I could not let anything touch them. What happened, he asked? It's My Miracle. It is.still My Miracle. I can rest at night; I can sit longer periods, I shop at the store without a riding cart.
I later learned on several Web sites for people with horrific pain in the calf DUE TO ZETIA. There were so many describing their pain and I cried as I read them. Someone else knew how tortuous it is and was. They all related their trials to Zetia and the relief that eventually came after weeks without it. I've also heard there may be permanent damage to my calves but to feel this much better after over 2 1/2 months of pure agony... I will settle for that.
Thanks for seeing this blog through, I know it is long. But I wanted to share My Christmas Miracle.
It's New Year's Day and I live it full of promise and hope. After all, I had a Christmas Miracle.
My legs had been getting much worse, the pain at times was as close to unbearable as I ever want to be. I did much hidden crying and moaning, writhing in awful pain all night long. By then, my calves on each leg were worsening rapidly. I can only give this description: Imagine keeping your legs stiff and holding onto something firmly. Then imagine someone with a 2" galvanized pipe slamming it into your calves full force or the worse charlie horse you've ever had but it never eases. I got to where I could barely lift my left foot much over an inch or so off the ground. I shuffled from room to room trying not to moan out loud with each step. My days were filled with constant sitting, stirring, lying. tossing, dragging my feet.... I wish I could say I am exaggerating but I am not. There aren't enough words to fully describe it. All this was in addition to the pinched sciatic nerve which was slowly beginning to heal from the inflammation.
Then the Miracle began. It certainly didn't seem to be a Miracle but a tragedy for me. For 12 yrs I have been taking a drug called Zetia to help me with dangerously high level of Triglycerides in my blood, so high, in fact, the doctor took a large blood sample and it was sent to several large clinics back East for study. They felt I should have had a stroke or heart attack at those levels... if you know what the highs are you will still be stunned to know mine were just over 2,000 and are now down to about 450 which is still high but great news for my situation. I digress, Sorry, I tend to do that.
Zetia was always given to me through samples left with the doctor as they knew I could never afford the expensive drug and my case was so unusual. I think only once did I pay and it was apprx. $200 for a 30 day supply. Suddenly 3 weeks ago I called for my samples and heard there were none. They also said that due to the upcoming Obamacare, the Pharmaceutical Reps were no longer giving out as many samples and stopping some. Just like that. No Zetia. My natural drama had my mind racing that I would have a stroke and soon. Never miss a pill I was told all these years. I was terrified and now I can say this was a big part of my sudden depression. There is no generic or similar medication.
So the days went by, my fear continued. I looked on the Internet about Zetia. I learned you are NOT supposed to be on it for long periods of time and you are NOT supposed to suddenly stop. Great!!
12 years and a sudden stop. I felt doomed and desolate.
Two days before Christmas I heard a noise out front the house early in the morning and hopped out of bed and hurried to the window. It wasn't important. There was the newspaper waiting for me and....
and "what the heck?" I had literally "hopped" out of bed and hurried with both legs lifting and knees bending to the window. I could walk. I giggled quietly and took steps to the left, turned and walked forward and backwards like a drunk I was. Giddy. The pain was in my knee but different; this time I could turn with my knee and not pivoting on my foot. My feet lifted a foot or more,,,,
Dan walked in then. I grabbed his hand. Look. Watch this. I walked with pride from the kitchen to the window and back. He didn't say a word. I raised my legs and touched my calves which before I could not let anything touch them. What happened, he asked? It's My Miracle. It is.still My Miracle. I can rest at night; I can sit longer periods, I shop at the store without a riding cart.
I later learned on several Web sites for people with horrific pain in the calf DUE TO ZETIA. There were so many describing their pain and I cried as I read them. Someone else knew how tortuous it is and was. They all related their trials to Zetia and the relief that eventually came after weeks without it. I've also heard there may be permanent damage to my calves but to feel this much better after over 2 1/2 months of pure agony... I will settle for that.
Thanks for seeing this blog through, I know it is long. But I wanted to share My Christmas Miracle.